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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
These three underage girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) walk into a bar.
A cop walks in and recongizes them and knows they were all underage. As he approached the girls, they all bolted.
They ran into an alley where there were three trash bags. With the cop coming, they quickly hid in the bags. The officer comes looking and kicks the first bag (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a stupid cat".
Then he kicks the next bag (where the redhead girl was) and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a stupid alley dog".
Then he kicks the last bag (where the blonde is hiding) and she says "potato's potato's."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you." A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."
Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)
Moshe and Rebecca make a vow that whoever dies first would come back and inform the other of the after-life. Their fear is that there is no after-life.
Many, many years later, Moshe dies and true to his word, he makes contact.
"Rebecca... . Rebecca," he says, "can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.
"Yes, Becky," he replies, "Ive come back, just as we agreed."
"So whats it like, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.
"Well Becky, it's like this," replies Moshe. "Every morning, I get up and have sex. I have breakfast and then off to the golf course where I have sex. I sunbathe and then have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex all afternoon. After dinner, it's the golf course again, then I have sex until late. It likes this every day."
"Oh Moshe," says Rebecca, "you really must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, Becky," says Moshe, "Im a rabbit on the Hampstead Garden Suburb golf course."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon!"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Yorn uh goood O'l Boy ifin yah tink tha follin:
* LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
* LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
* MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
* RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
* HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
* PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
* WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
* SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
* BYTE: Whut them flys do.
* CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
* MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
* MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
* DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
* LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
* KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the keys.
* SOFTWARE: Them plastic forks and knifs.
* MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
* MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
* PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
* ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
* RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
* MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
What do Winnie the Pooh and Rupert the Bear have in common?
Their middle names.
Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Read all jokes from:Stories (+318)
Bassoon: a bedpost with a bad case of gas.
Beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments.
Concert: a place where people go to cough and sneeze.
Conductor: Someone who is able to follow many people at once.
Counterpoint: a favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established.
Cut time: when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
Drummer: someone who hangs around with musicians.
Fermata: a brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.
Half step: two piccolos playing in unison.
Male quartet: three men and a tenor.
Oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
Octave: an interval having eight diatonic steps or twelve chromatic steps (fifteen when sung by a tenor).
Phrase: What teaching music does to your nerves.
Pitch: a tossing motion frequently used by band students to hand in music.
Trombone: A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur!
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!
Read all jokes from:Bear (+405)
A farmer in Northern Arizona plowed his fields using only one hourse. Yet as he plowed, he yelled to the horse, "Giddyup, Jack!" "Giddyup, Mick!" "Giddyup, Casey!"
A stranger passing by stopped the farmer. "I couldn't help overhearing you shout to your horse," he said, "and I'm curious. How many names does your horse have?"
The farmer laughed good-naturedly and replied, "Oh, his name is Jack."
Then the farmer's voice dropped to a conspirational whisper. "But he doesn't know his own strength. So I put blinders on him and yell all those other names. This way he thinks he has other horses helping him.
Read all jokes from:Arizona (+117)
One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
" Yeah, except today is the last night.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime s/he wants.
2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime s/he wants.
3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain, and effects, against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime s/he wants.
4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty, and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE s/he wants.
5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments, and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as they're cute.
6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes. (And I can sleep on your face...)
7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission.
8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at any time or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping in a drawer.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695)
Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies. "'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter askes. "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast.
And when their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops." Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs.
She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?"
He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2426)
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.
"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.
"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.
"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.
"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.
"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.
Read all jokes from:HR (+462), Office (+195)
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
Read all jokes from:Music (+2466)
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)
Boys fall in love with me at first sight.
Yes but at the second sight they realise they can't stand you!
Read all jokes from:Women (+407)
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. Then ... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U. and sometimes Y.
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who has fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)
Lionel, Benny, Max and Hyman are out fishing early one Sunday morning. After an hour of fishing, Lionel suddenly breaks the silence and says, "You three have no idea what I had to do before I could come out fishing today. I had to promise my Rivkah that I would decorate our bedroom next Sunday."
"Thats nothing," says Benny, "I had to promise my Leah that I would build her a new terrace by the swimming pool."
"Well," says Max, "you both had it easy. I had to promise my Sharon that I would completely refit our kitchen with new mahogany cupboards and the latest state of the art equipment."
But Hyman has not said a word so they ask him what he did to come out fishing. Hyman replies, "I just set my alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I gave my Faye a firm nudge and said, 'Fishing or Sex?' She replied, "Don't forget your sweater."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
1. "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."
2. "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."
3. "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."
4. "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."
5. There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
6. "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"
7. "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange"
8. "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
9. "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
10. "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
- "The more we sweat in training, the less we bleed on the streets."
- "Your life is not my fault."
- "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
- "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
- "Remember, when you gotta cuff 'em, nobody is your friend."
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "That says POLICE, not taxi!"
- "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"
- "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "You can't outrun a radio."
- "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
- "Someone, somewhere is practicing. If you're not, and someday, if you should meet, you will lose."
- "Every dog has it's day. Good dogs have two."
- "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- "I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don't have."
- "If its worth stopping, its worth writing."
- "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
- "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
- "Listen with your ears, not with your mouth."
- "Some people are meant to be cops, and some people are meant to call the cops."
- "God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."
- "God must love stupid people, 'cause he sure made a lot of them."
- "Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
- "Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds, solely because, dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in their behalf."
- "In God we trust, all others we run NCIC."
- "Just how big were those two beers?"
- "Uh ... yes, Chief, it only appeared as if I wasn't paying attention to your speech. Actually, you inspired me to meditate on the mission statement and envision a new paradigm."
- "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
- "I know, I know! Your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center."
- "I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
- "You might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride."
- "We don't hire cops in this department, we hire common sense and make cops from it."
- "Shoot them until they think they're dead."
- "I don't believe they should use the electric chair, they need to use electric bleachers."
- "Handcuffs aren't designed for comfort."
- "Your arrest. You catch 'em, you clean 'em."
- "No, Chief, I swear ... it was my day off."
- "There are no dress rehearsals and this is the big time."
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"
The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.
Read all jokes from:Student (+358)
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this
inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not
getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the
bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve
the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
(To the Tune of "the Christmas Song")
Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!
Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company's goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?
He knows the world is in his sway,
We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee.
And so we're offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George. "George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam. "OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.
"Sure" says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.
The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way?"
Read all jokes from:College (+414)
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200), Family (+438), Kids (+2426)
* Bicycle handle grips.
* French tickler animals.
* Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
* Put one on a lightbulb for mood lighting.
* Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
* Get 1000 and make a submarine.
* Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
* Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
* Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
* Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
* Water wings for those non-swimmers.
* Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!" on your house.
* Jello molds.
* Finger puppets.
* A wind sock.
* Use as a bobber when fishing.
* Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.
* Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
* Suspenders.
* Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)
* Small animal muzzle.
* Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.
* Put them on your toes to make swimfins.
* Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.
* Automatic door closing devices.
* Have 'water' balloon fights.
* Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.
* Freeze them for an all-natural popsicle.
* Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.
* Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you.
* Ear/nose plugs.
* Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".
* Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.
* Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.
* Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.
* "I challenge you to a duel!"
* Drain plugs.
* Put them in with your tax return.
* Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.
* Punching bags.
* Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.
* Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.
* Novelty key rings.
* Hang them all around your windshield like dingle balls.
* Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.
* Break out your paints and make wax fruit.
* Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.
* Make a patch work "water" bed.
* Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!
* Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
She Was So Blonde That She:
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
Read all jokes from:Limericks (+567)
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
Eva Langoria, Britney Spears and a Carmen Electra were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. Carmen went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then Eva Langoria went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!' And off she went. Britney started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
There once was an old man named Fletcher,
Well known as a terrible lecher.
A kiss he would steal,
And he'd cop a good feel,
From a woman if he could just catch her.
Read all jokes from:Limericks (+566)
The pope wanted to kick the Jews out of Italy. They got Reb Moshe to debate with him. Since Reb Moshe didn't know any Italian and the pope didn't know any Yiddish, they did a silent debate.
The pope held up 3 fingers and Reb Moshe held up 1 finger. The pope waved his hand around his head and Reb Moshe pointed down. The pope took out some wines and Reb Moshe took out an apple. The pope said, "you won, I give up" and left.
The pope went back to his church. They asked him, "How did you lose? What did he do?" He answered, "First I held up 3 fingers for our 3 parts of god. He held up 1 finger for his 1 G-d. I waved my hand around my head to say that He is everywhere and he pointed down to say that He is also right here with us. I took out the wine for the sins we can be forgiven for, and he took out an apple for the first sin that we can't be forgiven for."
Meanwhile, Reb Moshe went back to his shul. They asked him, "How did you win?" He said, "He held up 3 fingers to say that we had 3 days to get out, and I gave him the finger. He waved his arm around his head to say that we had to go away and I pointed down to say that we are staying right here." "And then what happened?" they asked him. "Well," he answered, "I'm not sure. He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)
A Toronto man was recently called for jury duty. During the selection process it was discovered that he was, in fact, the defendant.
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.
Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl
could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed
replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
Hymie, a wealthy American, retires to England and buys a fabulous English country home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished Hymie is delighted but soon after realises that he's forgotten something. There are no mezuzahs on the doors.
He immediately goes out and buys 50 kosher mezuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except on the bathrooms. He's worried that the decorator won't put them up correctly.
However, the job is carried out entirely to his satisfaction and so he gives the workman an extra bonus. As the decorator is walking out of the door he says "Glad you're happy with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in those little boxes and left them on the table for you."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
Three very elderly men are sitting in the gerontologist's waiting room. One turns to anothers and inquires, "So! Vot's your problem?" The other old guy replies, "I can't pish! Whenever I go only 2 drops come out! What about you?" He answers, "I can't crap! I take Ex-Lax and wash it down with prune juice and still I sit on the toilet for hours and nothing happens!" They then turn to the third old guy sitting next to them reading a newspaper. "How about you, mister," one inquires. "You pish alright?" "Yeah," he answers, "Every morning 7:30 like clockwork I pish like Niagra Falls!" "Really," says the other. "How about craping?" "Every morning like clockwork I crap like bombs over Dresden" he answers. "Wow! So how come you're here to see the Doctor?" "Because," he laments, "I don't wake up until 8:30!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
Read all jokes from:Family (+437)
Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's kitchen.
One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice. Abe went to see the manager to ask why.
The manager replied, "You're enjoying my food, so you should pay for it."
Abe refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.
They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it."
The judge then asked Abe, "And what do you have to say about that?"
Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What's the meaning of that?"
Abe replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glas bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea", he said, gesturing toward the bowl, " I wonder if you would tell me about this"
"Oh, yes", she replied, " Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Read all jokes from:Religious (+826)
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doin?"
His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648), Sex (+4815)
A blonde is tired of all the dumb blonde jokes, so she dyes her hair black. Then one day she drives past a farm and sees a farmer with his flock of sheep.
She stops and says to the farmer, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you let me have one?"
The farmer says, "Sure."
She says, "112."
The farmer says, "That's incredible. You're exactly right."
As the girl is putting her prize in her backseat, the farmer says, "Hey...if I can guess what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.
"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof."
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' .... So I stabbed him."
Read all jokes from:Law (+1199)
A couple goes to a masquerade party dressed as a cow. He's in front, she's in back. The party gets a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for a little walk. As they're going across a pasture, they hear, "Snort! Snort!"
The wife says, "Bobby! There's a bull over there, and I think he's gonna charge! What are we gonna do?"
The husband says, "Well, I'm gonna eat some grass - you'd better brace yourself."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
Anally - occurring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel - letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Congenital - friendly
DC - where Washington is
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - non-Jewish
G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - damn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662), Medical (+1844)
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here."
You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
You have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".
Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)
A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled "New York Football Player Brains" , $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles.
The clerk replies, "Well, we've got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Alabama football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce."
The man says, "Why the big difference in price?"
The clerk answers,"Do you know how many Alabama football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!"
Read all jokes from:Alabama (+375)
Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.
He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.
The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away.
A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license.
He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427), Men vs. Women (+5690), Sex (+4815)
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a
sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to
congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
Read all jokes from:Farm (+52)
* Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
* Switch the sheets on your beds with the next door neighbors.
* Twitch a lot.
* Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
* Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
* Walk and talk backwards.
* Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all.
* Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
* Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
* Smile. All the time.
* Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
* Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that she/he reimburse you.
* Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
* Shoot rubber bands at your mate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
* Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
* Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up and announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
* Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
* Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with, "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
* Always flush the toilet three times.
* Buy a copy of Weird Al Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
* Listen to radio static.
* Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom.
* Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your mate's bed.
* Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.
* Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.
* Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2426)
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
Q: What's a Jewish Princess's favourite position?
A: lnside Brent Cross Shopping Centre.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
Read all jokes from:Law (+1198)
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+647), School (+377)
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets. On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her.
He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."
She nodded and smiled sympathetically said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"
Read all jokes from:Golf (+379)
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787)
A wealthy labor economist had an urge to have grandchildren. He had two daughters and two sons and none of them had gratified his desire for a grandchild. At the annual family gathering on Thanksgiving Day, he chided them gently to bless his old age with their progeny. "But I haven't given up hope," he said, "Yesterday I went to the bank and set up a one hundred thousand dollar trust fund to be given to the first grandchild that I have. Now we will all bow our heads while I say a prayer of thanks." When he looked up, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
* Although I am too proud to beg, and may appear to be a very independent creature, I ask for your loving care and attention.
Translation: I'm the boss, serve me.
* I rely on you for my well being much more than you may realise.
Translation: Go out and earn money to keep me in the style to which I intend to become accustomed.
* This I promise you, my benefactor, that I will not be a burden on you nor will I demand more of you than you care to give.
Translation: The more attention I get, the more I want. You may have to hire another slave for me (by the way, I lie!).
* I will be a quiet peaceful island of serenity for you to gaze upon; a soft soothing body to caress, and I shall purr with pleasure to rest your weary ears.
Translation: I will tear round the house smashing ornaments at 3 a.m., infest the house with fleas, and bite your mother when she comes to visit (did I mention that I lie?).
* Since I am a gourmet who appreciates different taste sensations, I pray you will give me a variety of nutritious foods and fresh water daily.
Translation: I need Evian water, changed at least six times per day, chilled but not too cold. Any food offerings that you make, no matter how expensive, will be turned down if I think there is a chance that I can scrounge the three day old bread that next door put out for the birds.
* You know dear friend, how I love to sleep. Allow me, I pray, a warm sheltered place where I can rest peacefully and feel secure.
Translation: Don't you dare wake me, I know where you sleep, and will get revenge - claw type bloody revenge!
* If I am wounded in battle or suffering from disease, please tend me gently, and see that I am treated by loving and competent hands.
Translation: I reserve the right to mangle the most expensive hands you hire to treat me.
* Please protect me from the inhuman humans who would hurt and torture me for their own amusement. I am accustomed to your gentle touch and am not always suspicious nor swift enough to avoid such malicious acts.
Translation: If you ever find out that it was me who bit your mother's thumb and gave her tetanus, I'll have to claim that she woke me up when I was having a bad dream.
* In my later years when my senses fail me and my infirmities become to great to bear, allow me the comfort and dignity that I desire for my closing days and help me gently in my pain or passing.
Translation: When I've had enough of being pampered, please send me to my next reincarnation, where I look forward to being satisfactorily served once more.
* Hear this prayer, my dear friend, my fate depends on you.
Translation: I might just accept you as slave, if you behave yourself.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695)
Once upon a time, there lived a women who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but, unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, she putt-putted. And, upon arriving home, she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a Pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewell signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap, and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold.
There were twelve dinner guest seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday.
Read all jokes from:Women (+407)
Patient: 'Doctor, I want to stop pulling funny faces.'
Doctor: 'Why?'
Patient: 'Because the ugly people don't like it when I pull their faces.'
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Moisha and Esther Rabinowitz move into a highly Orthodox community in Monsey, and want to join a local shul. They seem appropriate for the community, and the Rabbi comes to their house to make certain that everything in the house
meets requirements.
All of the mezuzahs are in place and have been certified. Good.
The kitchen has two stoves, two refrigerators, two dishwashers, two prep areas, two sinks, but has five sets of dishes and five sets of flatware.
The Rabbi says, "Four I can understand, Pesach meat and dairy, Non-Pesach meat and dairy. So, what do you need the fifth set for?"
Esher answers, "For Traif."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)
Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son Isaac's bar mitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a safari.
So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.
"I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my son to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion."
"OK," said the guide, "no problem."
The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest. But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, "There will now be a delay of 2 hours."
Moshe was angry at this. "Why the delay?" he asked his guide.
"There's nothing I can do," said the guide, "there's another two bar mitzvah safaris ahead of us."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
* Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
* You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.
* Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.
* Teeth and claw marks all over your now- empty bottles of Prozac.
* No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...
* Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.
* Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
* Rides in your car with its head out the window.
* She's a dues- paid, card- carrying member of the Reform Party.
* You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N- E- E- D T- H- E- R- A- P- Y.
* Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.
* Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
* After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto- Puss.
* Sullen and overweight, your sunglass- wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
* Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
* Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+694)
There was a sheriff looking for a deputy, so a Redneck went in to apply for the job.
"OK," the sheriff said, "What is 1+1?"
"11," the Redneck replied.
"What two days of the week start with the letter T?"
"Today and tomorrow."
"Now the last one. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The Redneck thought really hard and finally said, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that," the sheriff told him.
So the Redneck went home and his wife asked him how it went, and the Redneck replied, "Great! He already put me on a murder case!"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
Hannah comes home from her afternoon out with her boyfriend Arnold looking very unhappy.
"What's the matter, Hannah?" asks her mother.
"Arnold has asked me to marry him," she replies.
"Mazeltov! But why are you looking so sad?" her mother asks.
"Because he also told me that he was an atheist. Oh mum, he doesn't even believe in Hell."
Her mother then says, "That's all right Hannah, it really isn't a problem. I suggest you marry him and between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in
time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly
coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my
wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I
replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we
needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered,
"Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three
times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted,
cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more
times and then started giggling."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
Did you hear about the hooker that had her appendix taken out?
Now she does business on the side!
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
An ugly, but well dressed guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool next to a beautiful woman. After a couple of minutes pass he turns to her and asks, "Would you be willing to go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
She hesitates for a few seconds and then says, "Yes for a million dollars, I sure would."
The man then asks, "Would you go to bed with me for a quarter?"
The woman gets angry and says, "Just what do you think I am?"
"Well," the man says, "we have established that. All we are doing now is haggling over the price."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)
You've been playing the saxophone for too long if ... you can name the different types of saxophones all 18 of them in ascending order of size you start calling it your baby you start giving it a name and a last name and a middle name and a baptismal name you know its birthday as well as the time it was "born" and celebrate that with a countdown and party you can actually breath in and out at the same time your favourite artistes are Kenny G, Lisa Simpson, that Muppets dude and the Pink Panther
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius. Confronted with the same problem the Russians used a pencil.
Read all jokes from:America US (+264)
Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
He got 16 months.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
A Rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a guy dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses.
Gabriel addresses this guy, "I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Moishe Levy, taxi driver, of London."
Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, "OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the Rabbi's turn. He stands upright and says, "I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I had been Rabbi of Neasden for forty years."
Gabriel looks at his list and says to the Rabbi, "OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Hold on a minute," says Rabbi Himmelfarb, "that man before me was a taxi driver - why did he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Up here, we only work by results," says Gabriel. "While you preached, people slept - but while he drove, people prayed."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
Read all jokes from:Student (+358)
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2466)
Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Luv, from yor romeo
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
The following are actual stories told by travelers from Mendocino County, California to travel agents in the UK...
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.
A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
Read all jokes from:America US (+263), Travel (+295)
Q. How do you keep an Auburn football player out of your yard?
A. Put a goal post in it.
Read all jokes from:Alabama (+375)
I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with.
I dyed my hair!
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
Q: Why do bears have fur coats ?
A:Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
One day, Moshe is walking past the wooden fence at the side of the local Mental Care Home for Jewish People when he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Moshe is quite a curious kind of man and wonders, "Is there a barmitzvah or batmitzvah going on inside?" So he searches for a suitable hole in the fence and then he looks in. Immediately, someone inside the fence pokes him in the eye with their finger.
Then the chanting begins again, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
A wedding is a magical event, but planning one can be loaded with potential pitfalls. Here are some helpful tips to make sure that special day is perfect in every way.
* Avoid seating guests next to fellow family members who may have molested them in early childhood.
* If possible, hold your wedding in a beautiful outdoor location so that adorable woodland fawns and garland-toting bluebirds may also attend.
* It is customary for the bride to wear a special white gown, complete with lacy veil, long train and pregnancy-hiding girdle.
* Do not rely on overprotective dad Steve Martin. He's got the wedding jitters!
* Make sure to choose a bridesmaid-dress color that does not occur in nature.
* Consider hiring a professional DJ for your reception. Professional DJs are the only people specially licensed to play "The Chicken Dance."
* Be sure all the Hooters girls fit comfortably inside the cake.
* When looking at churches, give extra points to the one with the most tortured and bloody Christ display.
* It is a good idea to buy the seven-piece S&M leather-restraint set with gift money received at the wedding, rather than putting it on the registry.
* Choose a reception hall that is large enough to meet your needs, but small enough to be adequately hosed down after Uncle Dennis vomits up his 14 brandy Old-Fashions.
* When considering seating arrangements, it is best not to seat neo-Nazis next to blacks or Jews.
* If you're thinking about hiring a band, The Spin Doctors is available for weddings, as well as bar mitzvahs and children's birthday parties. For more information, contact Jennifer Katz at Epic Records.
* Instead of spending thousands on floral arrangements that wilt and die after a few days, consider decorating the tables with attractive, long-lasting cinderblock.
* When choosing a caterer, take care to select an amusing immigrant caricature. The resulting language barrier is sure to guarantee comical hijinks for all.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am," he says, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Read all jokes from:School (+377)
Monty is out on one of his favourite walks - the one through Hampstead Heath, when all of a sudden he gets a strong pain in his stomach and has a desperate need to go to the toilet. As he can't wait, he goes deep into some thick bushes so no one can see him, lowers his trousers and pants and squats down. Naturally, Monty has not brought any toilet paper with him, so (you should excuse him) he wipes himself with some leaves from a nearby bush, gets dressed and continues on his walk.
But after 5 minutes, his toches starts to itch and after 10 minutes, the itch is almost unbearable. Monty cuts short his walk and goes straight to his doctor. After a brief examination, doctor Myers says, "Monty, I believe you've wiped yourself with some poison ivy."
"Oy veh," cries Monty, "what can I do? The itching is driving me crazy."
"Dont worry," replies doctor Myers, "here's some powder developed just for this purpose. Go home right away, put one teaspoon of powder in a gallon of warm water and soak your toches in it for 20-30 minutes. If you repeat this every three hours, it will take away the itching."
So Monty goes home, puts a teaspoon of the powder into a large pot he finds in the bottom kitchen cupboard, fills it with warm water, puts the pot down in the middle of the kitchen floor, takes off all his clothes and sits in the pot. What bliss!
But then his Sarah comes home. She enters the kitchen, sees him sitting naked in her new pot in the middle of her kitchen floor and shouts out, "Monty, bist meshugga?"
Monty replies, "Vos tist du?" and tries to tell her about his walk in the woods, his need to go to the toilet, the poison ivy, the doctor and the powder.
But Sarah screams, "Nem aroyse dien flayshedika toches fun der milchedika tepple."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Five years old Benny comes home from Hebrew school one day and says to his parents, "I learned something interesting at school today."
"That's nice, Benny," says his father, "What did you learn today?"
Benny thinks for a moment, then replies, "Daddy, have all the men in our family had their willies criticised?"
His mother laughs out loud. "Oh Benny, darling, the word is circumcised, not criticised, but either way the answer is still 'YES'."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Q: Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)
Q: What do Saami reindeer herders say to reindeer who complain?
A: "Venison!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.
He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.
"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.
"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie
style."
"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."
"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5197)
Why do blacks have white on their hands?
It's where they were hung to be spray painted.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5196)
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric
bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs
dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs
spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than
that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all
things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they
can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark
sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a white
wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the
solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of
heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is
also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets
slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to
the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The
immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect
the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it
may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this
problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in
the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not
to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,
they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly
open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but
since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the
closet.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.
Read all jokes from:Science (+105)
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her
company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun
to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large beautiful parrot.
She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking
and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says
pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad.
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5195)
David reaches 60 years of age and is now entitled to a Freedom Pass (for free travel on London buses and tubes). So he goes to the Post Office to pick up his pass. After queuing for nearly 20mins, he finally gets to the counter and says to the lady clerk, "Could I please have a Freedom Pass."
"OK," says the clerk, "but first I need to see either your passport or your drivers license so that I can verify your age."
After fumbling in his pockets for a while, David says to the clerk, "I'm very sorry, but I've left my documents at home. They're still sitting on my sideboard."
But before David can leave, the clerk says to him, "Don't go. Maybe I can check your age another way. Please open your shirt."
David does what he's asked and opens his shirt, revealing a large mass of silver curly hair.
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," says the clerk with a smile and promptly processes his application.
When David gets home, he can't wait to tell his wife Andrea about his experience with the lady clerk at the Post Office. Andrea listens to his story then says, "You should also have pulled down your trousers and pants. She would then have given you a disability pension as well."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
"Ladies, gentlemen and children. Sholem Aleichem to you all. This is your pilot, Captain Daniel Himmelfarb, speaking. On behalf of El Al airways, my crew and I welcome you on board this flight to Tel Aviv. We will do all we can, God willing, to make sure you have a great flight with us this afternoon. But if, God forbid, by some remote eventuality, we run into some trouble, please keep calm and don't panic. You'll find your life jacket under your seat and if you need to put it on, please wear it in the best of health. Thank you."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Jeremy has been dating Hannah for only two weeks but in that time he's fallen madly in love with her. And now he has a problem - it's Chanukah tomorrow and he doesn't know what to buy her. So he asks his big sister for some advice.
His sister tells him, "You've not been going out with her for very long, Jeremy, so I don't think you should buy her anything too personal or too romantic. Be patient - these types of gift can come later. For now, I think something like a nice pair of pretty leather gloves might be appropriate. What do you think?"
"Great idea," Jeremy replies. "I'm leaving right now for the John Lewis Department Store and I'm going to choose a real pretty pair. I'm seeing Hannah today and I'll give the present to her then."
Jeremy goes to John Lewis and after much discussion with the sales assistant, chooses a nice pair of pale grey gloves. He then goes to the payment desk, pays for the gloves and asks for them to be gift-wrapped. But by mistake, his package gets mixed up with the package belonging to the girl in front of him and without knowing, he ends up with some pink panties.
As soon as he gets home, Jeremy seals his package, writes a note, and drives to Hannah's house. As soon as he gets there, he says to Hannah, "I've bought you this present for Chanukah, but before you open it, I'd like you to read my note. This is what Hannah read: -
"Dear Hannah, I chose these because it's been cold over the last 2 weeks and I noticed you weren't wearing any when we went out last.
I was going to choose some long ones with buttons, but I bought these because they are easier and quicker to remove.
I thought at first that their pale colour would show the dirt but the girl who sold them to me showed me the pair she was wearing and they were hardly soiled at all.
She agreed to try on yours and she looked really nice even though yours were quite tight on her.
She said her pair helps to keep her ring clean and that since she started wearing them, she has hardly needed to wash it.
I'd like to put them on you now, for the first time, because I'm sure that many hands other than mine will be touching them later.
And when you take them off, blow into them before putting them away, because they will probably be a little damp from wearing them.
And Hannah, just think how many times my lips will kiss them, so I hope you will start wearing them for me when we next go out."
All my love
Jeremy
P.S. The sales girl told me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)