If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Part II?
Read all jokes from:Science (+105)
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Words to live by: Do not argue
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787)
Computerized Toasters
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."
"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel Pentium with 16MB of memory, a 160MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."
The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)
The four questions
The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
What's the diff
What is the differance between an orthodox, reform and a conservative jewish wedding?
at an orthodox wedding the mother of the bride is pregnant.
at a conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
and at a reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Who has enemies?
One shabbas morning, Rabbi Landau is giving a sermon on 'the mitzvah of forgiving your enemies'. He talks at length on the subject for nearly 15 minutes and then asks his congregation, "Please raise your hand if you are willing to forgive your enemies."
About 50% raise their hand.
This upsets Rabbi Landau so he decides to lecture for another ten minutes. He then repeats his question.
This time about 80% raise their hand.
But the Rabbi is still not satisfied, lectures a bit longer and repeats his question.
This time everybody raises their hand, except an old lady at the back of the shul.
Rabbi Landau asks, "Mrs Levy, aren't you willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any enemies," she replies.
"That's very unusual Mrs Levy. How old are you?"
"I'm 98, Rabbi."
"Please, Mrs Levy, come to the front and tell us how you have lived to 98 and don't have an enemy in the world."
Mrs Levy hobbles down the aisle, faces the congregation and says, with a smile, "I outlived the momzers, that's how."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Spinoffs on the I Love You Virus
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:
* The "I Love You, Too" virus: Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.
* The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
* The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
* The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
* The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
* The "I'm looking for more of a commitment" virus - Receives the "I love you" virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called "hold for my sweetie" for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called "Golf with the guys" or "Night out with the Girls." It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your 'ex', and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.
* The "One Night Stand" virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
* The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
* The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
* The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer's data.
* The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
* The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
* The "Little Virus Of The Evening" virus will do anything to your computer - if you're willing to pay the right price.
* The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
* The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
* The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
* The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com. - This message is done on 100% recycled electrons.
* The "Let's just be friends" virus - Immediately deletes the "I love you" virus, sends a "Let's Just be friends" response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.
* The "Unsafe Sex" virus - Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.
* The "Safe Sex" virus - Wraps the "I Love You letter" in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.
* The "Sexual Harassment Lawsuit" virus - Forwards a copy of the "I Love You" virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer emails over $100k.
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)
Q: What the Hell is a sno-go?
Q: What the Hell is a sno-go?
A: Something that goes on the snow. A snowmachine, stupid.
Read all jokes from:America US (+264)
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5197)
Problem Skirt
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
How do you make a trombone sound
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
Q. What did Helen Keller do when
Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
Now that's chutzpah
Ethel, a little old lady with a lovely smile, makes a living selling roses on the corner of Middlesex Street for $1 a rose. Maurice, on the other hand, works for a bank in Middlesex Street and is doing very well for himself.
Maurice has always felt sorry for Ethel and whenever he leaves his office for lunch and passes Ethel, he always gives her $1. But Maurice never takes a rose from her and although this has been going on for 2 years, the two of them have never spoken to each other.
One day, as Maurice passes Ethel and leaves his usual $1, Ethel speaks to him for the first time. "I appreciate your business, sir. You really are my best customer, but I must point out to you that the price of a rose has now gone up to $1.50."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Q: Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
Q: Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
A: Because he's always spotted.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5197)
The boy came skipping into the house
The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get that?" his mother asked. "I bought it with the nickel you gave me." - "The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School." - "I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
An economist is someone who doesn't know
An economist is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel it's your fault.
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
How to Tell the Weather
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
* If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
* If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
* If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The CAT
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
You know no one loves you if...
- The pet cat got better food than you did.
- Your parents told you about strange men giving away sweets and to go and find as many of them as possible.
- You play "hide & seek" with your Mother and she hides in another town.
- Your parents take you to an orphanage and tell you to mingle.
- Your parents told you about the magic money box in the cupboard where you can hide your pocket money, and - you've since found out it was the coin-op electric meter.
- You had to share your sandbox with the cat.
- You always got your weekly allowance in Traveler's Checks.
- Your folks threw a "going-into-the-Army" party when you were only three years old.
- You run away, and the family can't give the Police an accurate description.
- You kept getting left beside the monkey enclosure at the zoo.
- You were always stood-up at the Father-Son banquet held at the local Church.
- Kidnappers send back a piece of your ear and your parents demand more proof before they pay any ransom.
- When you were born, your Father gave out old cigar butts.
- Your parents encourage you to fish in shark infested waters.
- As a baby, your Father threw you in the air and walked away.
- You find out your Mother is nursing another baby on the side.
- Your tub toys included a toaster shaped like a rubber duck.
Read all jokes from:Family (+438)
No excuse Sunday
To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'
1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof will cave in if I ever came to church."
3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, "The pastor speaks too softly," and cotton for those who say, "He preaches too loudly."
5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.
7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.
8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.
Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)
Heaven and Earth
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the Earth."
Read all jokes from:Golf (+379)
The technical geek test
Are you a tehcnical geek?
Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.
You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .
When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
Read all jokes from:Student (+358)
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A. Neil walked the moon, Michael Jackson... fucked little boys.
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+966)
Q. How do you know when its
Q. How do you know when its time to wash the dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants - if you've got a putz, its not time.
Putz: a penis
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Jones had taken his wife to a
Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored. In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground. 'Thank goodness they got rid of it,' she sighed. 'Now we can all go home.'
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)
A husband and wife were out playing
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes
to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and
takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but
in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf
bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the
way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand
the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically
ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Read all jokes from:Golf (+378)
One day a man and his dog
One day a man and his dog walk into a bar. The owner of the dog says to the bartender "I bet 10 dollars my dog can talk".
The bartender, naturally, accepts.
All of the sudden the dog starts reciting the Gettysburg adress.
So the bartender layes down ten dollars and the dog grabbs it and runs out the door. The owner runs after the dog.
He finds him in a back ally kissing a french poodle.
The owner says to his dog "What are you doing? You've never done that before."
The dog responds: "I've never had ten dollars before."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638), Dog (+334)
The Cruel Professor
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"
Read all jokes from:Student (+357)
Why did the Italian staple his nuts
Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?
"If you can't lick 'em, join 'em"
Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)
No Man Will Succeed!
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
Read all jokes from:Genie (+60), Men vs. Women (+5691)
Madame Freda
For months, Leah had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlour of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril, for only £30 you can talk to your zaida who you miss so much."
Cyril could not resist and at the next seance, there was Cyril sitting under the coloured light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril's zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the other world?"
"Cyril, I am in bliss. I'm with your bubba. We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon the shining face of the Lord."
Cyril asks his zaida many questions and his zaida answers each, until -
"So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zaida," sighed Cyril, "when did you learn to speak English?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Training Your Human
Training your human is a thankless task.
"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.
Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.
Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.
Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.
Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
as she's headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...
When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.
Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle's begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.
Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695)
A salesman rang the door bell and
A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said," Well, can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "No."
The salesman asked why. "Well," Johnny said, "When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some super glue!"
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
The Most Beautiful Girl
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside.
"Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said, 'Yes!' We're getting married in June!"
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.
"Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
In the Soviet Union, Stalin asked the
In the Soviet Union, Stalin asked the Minister of Finance to give him an advice as to the establishment of the ruble convertibility. The minister produced a thick document, arguing in favor of establishment the rate 1 dollar = 14 rubles. Stalin looked at it and did not like that ruble is so undervalued. He took his red pencil and eliminated "1". The exchange rate was established at 1 dollar = 4 rubles.
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1217)
Hooters
Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly," Sally said. "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)
A papa polar bear, a mama polar
A papa polar bear, a mama polar bear, and a baby polar bear got stranded on an ice-floe and drifted out to sea. They decided to tell stories to pass the time. Papa told his favorite story about the time he outwitted a hunter. Mama told a story about the time she tricked a seal into coming for lunch. Then Papa turned to the baby bear. "What's your story, son?" he asked. The baby bear shivered. "My tail's told!" he replied.
Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)
The phone call to God
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
Eternal Jewish Truths of Your Grandmother's Talmud
o The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
o If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
o If it tastes good, it's probably not Kosher.
o No one looks good in a yarmulke.
o Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
o WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.
o Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
o Israel is the land of milk and honey; North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.
o Never pay retail.
o Its always a bad hair day if you're bald.
o No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
o The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
o So what's so wrong with dry turkey?
o Always whisper the names of diseases.
o One Mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
o If you don't eat, it will kill me.
o Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
o Where there's smoke, there may be smoke salmon.
o Never take a front row seat at a bris.
o Next year in Jerusalem, the year after that, how about a nice cruise?
o Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
o A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
o A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
o Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
o Before you read the menu, read the prices.
o There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around 45.
o According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
o Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
o If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone to hear
o What business is a yenta in? Yours.
o If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
o But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Doesn't It Annoy You When...
1. ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
2. ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
3. ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
4. ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
5. ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
6. ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
7. ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
8. ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
9. ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
10. ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
11. ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
12. ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
13. ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
14. ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
15. ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
16. ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
What's wrong with me?
Esther makes an emergency appointment to see her doctor.
"Doctor," says Esther, "just look at the mess I'm in. When I awoke this morning, I looked in the mirror and was shocked to see my hair all wiry, my skin wrinkled and blotchy, my eyes bloodshot and bulging out of their sockets and my face so white that I looked like a corpse. What on earth is wrong with me, doctor?"
The doctor looks at her and calmly says, "Well, for a start, there's certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight... "
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Late one night, little Johnny woke up
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.
"I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+647), Sex (+4817)
Kredyt hipoteczny bez bik-zdolność kredytowa hipoteczny
Kredyt hipoteczny to często jedyne wyjście dla osoby chcącej posiadać swój dom. Nic w tym złego, że zmierzamy do posiadania lokalu. Setki złotych za lokal to kwota dla większości tak zawrotna, iż nie zdołają sobie jej nawet zobaczyć w wyobraźni, a co dopiero ją posiadać. Zatem decydujemy się na kredyt hipoteczny.
Niemniej trzeba wiedzieć że jak podejmujesz kredyt hipoteczny, to tak jak byś brał ślub z bankiem. To nie zobowiązanie na lodówkę, jaki spłacisz po paru miesiącach. Kredyt hipoteczny spłacisz nie prędzej jak będziesz na emeryturze. Pomyśl o tym nim powiążesz się z kredytodawcą.
Wiedz również, iż Instytucja bankowa może w praktyce wykorzystać wszelką klauzulę z umowy bankowej, bo ma do tego prawo. Instytucja bankowa może w każdej chwili zażądać natychmiastowej spłaty całego długu.
Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32497)
The jigsaw puzzle
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
An optometrist was instructing a new employee
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75...' If he doesn't blink, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be an additional $50...' If he still doesn't blink, you add '...Each.'"
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
The voice
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
How To Give Your Cat a Pill
- Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
- Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
- Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
- Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
- Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle- feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
- Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
- If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
- Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
- This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
- Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
- Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
- Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
- Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
- Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman.
- Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
- Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
- Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
- Take two aspirins and lie down.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200), Cat (+694), Lists (+729)
The start of it all
A Rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins.
The priest says: "In our religion, life begins at conception."
The Minister says: "We disagree. We believe that life begins when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb."
The Rabbi responds: "You both are wrong. In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog dies."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
A poor little girl was begging in
A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix."
The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?"
"I'm eight, sir."
"Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?"
"Since I was raped, sir, when I was four."
"RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?"
"I don't remember, I was drunk."
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
Salty story
Aaron is out shopping in Golders Green when he remembers that he has guests coming over for tea and needs to buy some tea bags. He goes into 'Moshe the Grocer' and starts looking for tea bags. As he walks down the first aisle, he can't help but notice that all the shelves are packed with bags of salt. Shelf after shelf, in aisle after aisle, all packed with bags of salt. So he calls for the manager.
"Can I help you?" says Moshe.
"Yes you can," replies Aaron, "I've come in here to buy some tea bags and all I can find is salt. What kind of grocer do you call yourself? It's a bit pointless, isn't it, just selling salt? I just don't believe you can sell all this salt."
"I couldn't agree with you more," says Moshe, "I personally can't sell much salt, but oy veh, the sales rep who sold me the salt - can he sell salt!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
The woman applying for a job in
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
The Bush
George W. Bush Jr was in an airport lobby and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George Bush approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling.
George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
An old man and his wife were
An old man and his wife were listening to their favorite radio evangelist, who promised, "With God's incredible powers behind me, I can heal anything! Place one hand on the radio and the other on that which you want healed, and IT SHALL BE HEALED!"
The old woman put one hand on the radio and the other on her heart. The old man put one hand on the radio and the other on his pants.
The woman said, "Uh, honey, he said he could HEAL, not BRING BACK FROM THE DEAD!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
The Plan
In the beginning was the plan and then came the assumptions and the assumptions were without form and the plan was completely without substance and darkness was on the face of the workers and they spoke amongst themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh" and the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof" and the supervisors went unto the managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide it" and the managers went unto their directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength" and the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong" and the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful" and the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, and these areas in particular" and the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy,
This is "how shit happens."
Read all jokes from:HR (+462)
The obituary
Mandelbaum died and his wife, Sarah, phoned the Jewish Chronicle to place an obituary.
Sarah said to them, "This is what I want you to print:... Bernie is dead."
The JC man said, "But for £25, you are allowed to print six words."
Sarah answered, "Okay, then print:... Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
Q: How does an Israeli man commit suicide?
Q: How does an Israeli man commit suicide?
A: He jumps from his ego to his IQ.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
Drink fault-finding guide
A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Things You'll Never Hear an Alaskan Fisherman Say
1. Would you unhook that fish for me please? I don't want my hands to get all icky.
2. Why do I need a boat? I'm perfectly happy fishing from the shore.
3. I already have a dozen lures, I don't need any more.
4. It sure is lonely at this lake, I hope some other fishermen show up.
5. Do you guys want to trade places with me? You're not catching anything over there, and they're really biting over here.
6. Don't bother taking a picture of my 98-pound chinook before I release it, I'm sure everybody will believe that I caught one.
7. Thanks for the offer to go fishing with you, but I'd rather stay home and mow the lawn today.
8. I really don't like catching silvers, they put up too much of a fight.
9. No thanks, no more beer for me.
Read all jokes from:America US (+264)
The bride, upon her engagement, went to
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Read all jokes from:Women (+407)
Men & Women Revisited
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
Top Ten Things A Cat Thinks About...
1. I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmmm... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey - no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss !
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+647), School (+377)
Emotionally Tuned - Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then Jennifer stops and says, " I don' t feel like it. I just
want you to hold me." Ben says " WHAT'" Jennifer explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day Ben takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells her,
We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond
earrings. Jennifer is so excited (she thinks he has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis bracelet. Ben says
" but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ' Jennifer is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is
going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " Ben says, " no -- no -- no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.
" Jennifer's face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the Ben says " You must not be
in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!!!!!
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
Diggin' a grave
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."
Read all jokes from:Military (+607)
The GET
After a judge signs the final divorce papoers of a Jewish couple, the woman says, "Thank you, Your Honor, now I have to arrange for a GET" The judge asks, "What's a Get" The woman explains, " A GET is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith." The Judge asks, "A religious ceremony like a bris?" "Yes, she replies, "very similar only in this case you get rid of the whole schmuck!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
One day a little boy over heard
One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,
"You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Whell your dick is to small bastard!"
The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and
asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of
the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each
other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boy
shrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was
watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut
himself. The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly
replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using." So the boy wandered
into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that
evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and
blurted out "Fuck". Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated
mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! The
company is already here!" So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his
new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts
and dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on
his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
Police and a Blonde
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"...What's a license...?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;
"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
The janitor Bernard is not the brightest
The janitor
Bernard is not the brightest of men and is finding it very difficult to find a job. But one day, he applies for and gets a job as a janitor at the local Catholic Church. They decide to give Bernard a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work in a church. Bernard works very hard indeed.
After a week, he is called into the office. "Bernard, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind." One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
The car crash
Aaron and Renee are driving back from a short holiday when their car is involved in a minor accident. Aaron wasn't concentrating and he hits a parked car. Fortunately, no one is hurt. Within minutes a police officer arrives at the scene.
"So what happened?" the officer asks Aaron, smiling. "How did you manage to hit that car? It couldn't have been easy."
Aaron immediately replies, "It was mine Renee's fault."
"Why do you say that?" asks the officer, making notes.
"Because," replies Aaron, "she fell asleep in the back seat."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Tip the pizza delivery boy
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
Read all jokes from:Student (+358)
Christmas
"Christmas is almost on us," said the teacher, and tomorrow I want all of you boys and girls to bring something to illustrate
what Christmas is all about.
Next day, each pupil had brought something along.
Little Sally was first. "I've brought a toy reindeer," she said, "because Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer."
Then came George, who had brought a piece of the deodar tree from his garden."This is what Christmas trees are made of," he explained.
Little Bruce had brought some wrapping paper, and Marcie brought a picture of a turkey. All of which the teacher praised, but
expressed the wish that someone had used a bit more initiative, and also concentrated more on the spiritual aspects of Christmas.
Inevitably, Little Johnnie at the back of the class had had his hand up all the while, snapping his fingers, and hissing "Miss, Miss."
And as a last desperate resort she calls on him.
"Okay, Little Johnnie," says teacher. "What have you brought."
Proudly, Little Johnnie produces a set of ladies panties, which he twirls around his finger, high above his head, for all of the
class to see.
"What are THOSE?" demands Teacher, as if she didn't know.
"They're girls' panties, Miss."
"I can see that, Johnnie. But what have they got to do with Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+647)
10 Glasses
This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry? The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
Clergyman Jokes
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real tyrant. Tell me where I can find him, and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)
You know you're from Arizona when...
...you've signed so many recall petitions that you can't remember the name of the current gubernatorial incumbent.
...you notice that your car is overheating --- and you haven't started it yet.
...you can say Hohokam and no one thinks you're making it up.
...you no longer associate rivers or bridges with water.
...you see more water flowing down the street than is in the Salt River.
...you know that a "swamp cooler" is not a happy hour drink.
...you can contemplate a high temperature of 120 degrees as "not all that bad, after all it's a dry heat."
...you can go from the dead of winter to summer in a 4 hour drive.
...you go to a fake beach to ride fake waves and call it surfing without cracking a smile.
...you have learned to expertly maneuver your vehicle under any traffic conditions using only two fingers; a skill usually learned initially in July.
...you know that you can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in your microwave.
...you have to run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so that you can use your fireplace.
...you notice that your idea of the "best" parking place is determined more by shade than by distance.
...you know that Valley Fever is not a disco dance.
...the water coming from the "cold" tap is hotter than that from the "hot" tap.
...you can correctly pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier del Bac", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and "Tlaquepacque".
...it's noon on a weekday in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one single person is moving on the streets.
...you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
...sunscreen is sold year 'round, is kept at the front of the checkout counter. A formula less than SPF 30 is a source of humor amongst shoppers waiting in line, and you apply it just to go to Circle K.
...you think that Circle K signs are the state tree.
...it does not seem unusual to you that someone would develop and market a personal misting system for joggers --- or that joggers would actually buy them.
...hot air balloons can't fly because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
...having your car reupholstered in vinyl is legal basis for conducting a sanity hearing.
...you can understand the reason for a town being named "Why".
...upon entering a bar, there is a gun check
Read all jokes from:America US (+263)
SEXUAL HARASSMENT CONSENT FORM
NAME:__________________________________
SOCIAL SECURITY No:_____________________
ADDRESS:_______________________________
CITY:___________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_________________________
HOME PHONE No.:_________________________
MALE:_____________ FEMALE:______________
OFFICE PHONE No.:________________________
SEXUAL PREFERENCE:
Male - Female
Female - Female
Male - Male
All of the Above
None of the Above - Please Specify:_____________________
I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT:
Salutatory Greeting: ____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ____________________
Eye-to-Bust Contact: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
Ear: __________________________
Other: ________________________
Hands on body: ________________________
Shoulder: ______________________
Waist: ________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
Other: __________________________
Feelies: __________________________________
Gropies: __________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ___________________
Other: ___________________________________
All of the Above: ___________________________
MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL_____I WILL NOT_____
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products, appliances, etc. to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of sustaining apparatus.
3. Clean up.
I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone: _________________________________
Anyone But: ______________________________
Only: ___________________________________
SIGNATURE: ____________________________
DATE:____________________
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to performance rating and evaluation.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
Rabbit
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
Read all jokes from:School (+376)
Love is relative.
"No" said Abe to Golda, "I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
If Computers were Jewish
1. Your PC would shut down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
2. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
3. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -You're killing me! -You vant I should try it again?- I didn't hear that!"
4. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove from your PC's tuchis the cable."
5. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
6. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, a little byte of that."
7. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
8. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!"
9. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
10. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schluffen."
11. Computer viruses could now be cured with chicken soup.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Two blondes were facing each other with
Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde, "Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim. Please tell me how you did this!"
The second blonde then says, " But you ARE on the otherside!"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
Reconciliation
Abe was very fussy with his money and always, regular as clockwork, went through his wife Sadie's chequebook each month to see where their money was going. He always wanted to see everything balance to the exact penny. This month, as in previous months, Sadie's figures are hard to reconcile and tired of having to spend so much time on her inaccuracies, Abe makes her agree to spend some time putting her figures into shape before he devotes any more time on them.
After spending hours poring over her paperwork, Sadie looks up and says, "Well, Abe, you should be proud of me. Ive done it - I've made it balance."
So Abe goes over to take a look. "OK, lets see what you've done."
On her worksheet he sees a long list of items starting with Mortgage $1,550.00; Electricity $70.50; Gas $150.75; Telephones $350.22; Private Medical Insurance $5,900.50; Kosher butcher $350.99; and ending with ESP $109.01. Puzzled by the last entry, Abe says, "What on earth is ESP, Sadie?"
"That's easy," replies Sadie, "It stands for, Error Some Place!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
A synagogue visit
Abe and Sadie make a rare appearance in synagogue. It's probably true to say that they are not the most religious of Jews. In fact they only go to shul two or three times every year - and this is one of those days.
At the end of the service, Abe shakes Rabbi Rose's hand and says, "Sadie and I both thoroughly enjoyed your service today, Rabbi."
Rabbi Rose replies, "It's nice of you to say so, Abe, so why don't you and Sadie come here more often?"
"It's difficult," replies Abe, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"Thats really good to hear," says Rabbi Rose.
"Yes," says Abe proudly, "Sadie keeps 6 of them and I keep the other 4."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
Seminars for Women
In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered:
General Education
* GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
* GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
* GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
* GE104: How to Parallel Park
* GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
* GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
* GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera
Home Economics
* HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature
* HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
* HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
* HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
* HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")
* HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships
* IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
* IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby
* IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective
* IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
* IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings - PMS (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")
* IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")
Read all jokes from:Women (+407)
The beer prayer
Our lager, which art in barrels,
Hallowed by thy fame.
Thy will be drunk, i will be drunk,
At home, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the ale, the pilsner, and the lager,
Forever and ever.
- AMEN -
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2426), Religious (+826)
Sex limericks
There once was a fellow named Perkin
Who always was jerkin' his gherkin
His mother said, "Perkin,
Stop jerkin' your gherkin -
Your gherkin's for ferkin' not jerkin'."
Read all jokes from:Limericks (+567)
The anniversary wish
Sadie and Benny were both 65 years old and were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. When all the family and guests had left their house, a fairy appeared from nowhere and said to them, "Congratulations, you two. I'm here to grant you both one wish each."
Sadie said, "I want to travel around the world."
The fairy waved her magic wand and POW - Sadie had tickets in her hand for a round the world cruise on a Cunard liner.
Then the fairy asked Benny what he wanted.
Benny replied. "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and POW - Benny was 95 years old.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
It's all relative
A man went to see his Rabbi and said, "Rabbi, if I give up drinking, partying all night, chasing the opposite sex and start coming to Synagogue regularly instead, will I live longer?"
"No," the Rabbi replied, "It will just feel longer."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
Yiddish Rhyming Slang * Hansel &
Yiddish Rhyming Slang
* Hansel & Gretel -Shtetl
* Holiday brochure -Kosher
* Doris Day -Oi Vey
* Bottle of booze -Schmooze
* Monkey wrench -Mensch
* Betty Boop -Chicken Soup
* The Price Is Right -Gesundheit
* Jonny Depp -Schlepp
* Michael Winner -Shabbes Dinner
* Hammer House of Horror -Schnorrer
* The Real Deal -Shlemiel
* Foot Spa -Chutzpa
* Fancy Dress -Fress
* Guy The Gorilla -Megilla
* Soup ladel -Kneidel
* Fillet Of Fish -Nebbish
* London Zoo -Nu?
* Religious Cult -Oi Gevalt
* Poetry Recital -Sheitel
* Kenwood Mixer -Shiksa
* Stir Fried Noodles -Apple Strudels
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6993)
These two guys go to a whorehouse
These two guys go to a whorehouse.
The first guy goes in then comes out and says,
"My wife is better."
The second guy goes in then comes out and says,
"You know what? Your wife IS better."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
A fellow's wife was very worried about
A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. "Ooooooo!" she wailed, "I am the Devil!"
He sticks out his hand... "Put it there, pal," he says, "I am married to your sister."
Read all jokes from:Drunk (+137), Marriage (+787), Men (+300)
God, grant me the Senility To forget
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
Beer Facts
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the brides father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk"; means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon "Old Grog", after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.
The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy".
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Now you can appreciate the importance of BEER throughout history.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Fun Things to do on an Elevator
1) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
2) Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
3) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
4) Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
5) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
6) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
7) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
8) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic. They'll open up again."
9) Swat at flies that don't exist.
10) Tell people that you can see their aura.
11) Call out, "GROUP HUG!" and enforce it.
12) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up. All of you. JUST SHUT UP!!!"
13) Crack open your briefcase or purse, peer inside and say: "You guys got enough air in there?"
14) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall without getting off.
15) Stare at another passenger for a while, then ask in horror, "You're one of THEM, aren't you?" and back away slowly.
16) Wear a puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other passengers.
17) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
18) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
19) Ask if you can push the button for other people, and then push the wrong ones.
20) Smile at another passenger for a while, then announce "It's so rare that I meet anyone special on the elevator anymore."
21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk, and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!!"
22) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him or her on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
23) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
24) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on. Indicate to the other passengers that they shouldn't give the answer away.
25) Hold the doors open, and say that you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been?"
26) Drop a pen, and when someone reaches to help pick it up, scream "Hey, that's MY pen!"
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
Why guitars are better than women
You can share your Guitar with your friends.
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
The Cat And the Milkman
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
Response from a junior (very junior) sonar watchstander
"Sonar - Conn, Report all contacts in preparation in coming to periscope depth"
"Conn - Sonar, I hold no contacts - how 'bout you..?"
"Sonar - Conn, Supervisor to the Conn"
Read all jokes from:Military (+607)
Chick Singer Offences
Singer's name __________________________________
Real name _______________________________
Date of offense(s) _____ /_____ / _______
Preparation / Equipment Offenses:
* * * * *
Doesn't know how to adjust mic stand-$15
Can't figure out how to connect cable to mic-$15
Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors-$50
Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors-$75
Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage-$15
Lays mic down facing kick drum-$20
Lays mic down facing guitar amp-$25
Lays mic down facing monitor-$50
Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song-$75
Straight arms mic when singing-$15
Drops mic-$10
Leaves lipstick all over mic-$100
Doesn't have set list-$10
Doesn't have keys on set list-$15
Doesn't have original songs charted-$20
Singing Offenses
* * * * *
Doesn't know key to songs-$10
Doesn't know when to come in-$15
Modulates without informing band-$20
Continues singing in old key after song modulates-$30
Forgets original singer of song-$10
Dances great but sings off key and out of time-$30
Gets off key singing acapella-$200
Stands onstage but doesn't sing harmonies-$30
Sings bad harmonies-$35
Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song-$40
Stops song halfway through and starts over-$25
Forgets to sing bridge-$20
Forgets words-$20
Sings verses out of order in song-$15
Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song-$100
Holds words to song while singing onstage-$20
Looks at pager while singing song-$10
Sings consistently flat-$25
Sings consistently sharp-$25
Sings too softly-$5
Just plain ol' CANNOT SING, but buys band a round of drinks - No Charge
Sings "Stand By Your Man" in the key of A-$30
Wants to sing "Crazy" by Patsy Cline more than once a night-$100
Thinks that "Poor Pitiful Me" is a new Terri Clark song rather than old
Warren Zevon song-$50
Thinks that "I Will Always Love You" is a new Whitney Houston song instead of
an old Dolly Parton song-$100
"Dolly who?"-$50
"Patsy who?"-$10
Stage Presence Offenses
* * * * *
Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20
Holds guitar, but doesn't play-$15
Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25
Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250
Plays tambourine-$10
Plays tambourine out of time-$50
Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer's secrets laying all over
stage-$25
Plays harmonica solo during song-$100
Tells jokes over mic-$5
Tells bad jokes over mic-$50
Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic-$500
Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend-$35
Argues with band members onstage-$150
Argues offstage with boyfriend musician-$175
Argues onstage with boyfriend musician-$200
Gripes at band onstage-$20
Gripes at band onstage over mic-$75
Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig-$15
Uses cell phone on stage during gig-$30
Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick on
stage-$15
Thousand dollar outfit, ten dollars worth of singing lessons-$60
Other Miscellaneous Offenses
* * * * *
Late for gig-$30
Dates a musician in the band-$50
Dates the drummer-$150
Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20
Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50
Uses fictitious last name-$50
Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, "Hey baby, I'll make you a
STAR"-$20
Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$10,000
Hates the phrase "chick singer"-$500
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
Gold Golf Clubs
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "That's a GREAT trade!"
Read all jokes from:Golf (+379)
Travel Expenses
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"
Read all jokes from:Business (+60)
Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer
Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of Viagra and told him to take no more than one a day.
Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.
"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and poured the rest into his well.
Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.
"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"
No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
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