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Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like
forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing.
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking
so long to make this shot?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make
this shot a good one," said Bob.
"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from
here."
Read all jokes from:Golf (+379)
Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house.
When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"
Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)
Solly took his King Charles spaniel dog to the vet. "Doctor Cohen," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
Dr Cohen stepped back in shock, "Solly, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Oy vey, my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
Read all jokes from:In-law (+105), Jewish (+6996)
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "But I don't know her well enough."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Jon takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.
"Whose dog is tied up out front?"
Jon responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop.
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed."
"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
Becky runs into the house and yells to her husband. "Izzy, pack your bags! I won the lottery!"
"Should I pack for warm weather or cold?" asks Izzy excitedly! "Whatever," yells Becky. "Just so you're out of the house by noon!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger."
Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard."
Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said,
"Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
Going without underwear is NOT an option. (from Redneck Ferret)
Dab a little perfume here and there. (from Tweetheart86chic)
Once every month take the kids out to the back yard so pa can hose them down. (from Tweetheart86chic)
Both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark. (from OrlandotheAxe98)
Remeber, the cleanest kid goes in the tub first. (from TSimonreid)
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)
Pamela Anderson buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses". A day later, she calls the laundry detergent company and says" I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."
"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.
"Gold of course," says the proud man.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver - it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)
David's wife is mad at him because he forgot her birthday. Quick-witted, David says, "Sweetheart, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787)
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2426)
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "Boy, I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down and gave a little monkey yell.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down and made his noises..
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," the monkey nodded.
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned a sexual act.
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait a minute. You're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked?"
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
On the first day of creation, God created the cat...
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat...
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as
potential food for the cat...
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor
for the good of the cat...
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might
or might not play with it...
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat
healthy and the man broke...
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox...
Yes, it's a cat's world after all. Amen!
Read all jokes from:Cat (+694)
Rifka is a simple young housewife who enjoys many simple things in life. One day, as she is walking through the John Lewis department store, Rifka notices a pair of X-ray glasses on special sale. She is not convinced that such a thing can really work but the store assistant convinces her that they are indeed X-ray glasses. So she buys a pair.
As soon as she leaves the store, Rifka opens the package, puts on her new X-ray glasses and immediately sees everyone around her naked. She removes them and everyone has their clothes on. She puts them on and everyone is naked again.
"How cool," she thinks, "I can't wait to get home to show them to Gary."
So she decides to cut her shopping and finish it the next day. She makes her way home and when she arrives, she finds Gary and the young lady from next door in bed together. She puts on the glasses and they are naked. She takes off the glasses and the two are still naked. She puts them back on and they are still naked.
Rifka then says, "Bother, I just paid fifty pounds for these glasses and they've broken already!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
Read all jokes from:College (+413)
Nu? How did the guys from Chelm cross the road? Dey followed da chicken...
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
"Are you an organ donor?"
"No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?
A: "Oooo! I LOVE these things! Crunchy on the outside - with a nice chewy center!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
Two Scientists were working late discussing ideas about behavior modification studies. "We've started something new at my lab," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers".
"Lawyers?" asks the second scientist. "Why aren't you using rats?"
"Well you know how it is," the first scientist replies. "You can get attached to rats."
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
"Squawks" are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots in their post-flight reports, and left for the maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Each post-flight report problem must have a response from the maintenance crew. Here are some actual excerpts from those post-flight reports logged by the Air Force pilots, and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except "Autoland" very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude-hold-mode produces a 200ft/min descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Read all jokes from:Military (+607)
- You go to family reunions to meet guys.
- You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that ain't.
- You wear combat boots with a minidress.
- You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger than your fist.
- You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack, a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame, and a Confederate flag on the tailgate, next to the bumper sticker that says "I sell Avon Skin-So-Soft."
- You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.
- You braid the hair that sticks through your fishnet stockings.
- Wear a black John Deere baseball cap with pearls.
- You use glitter to highlight your mustache.
- You wear tube tops with your mini, because it shows off your Harley-Davidson tattoo.
- Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.
- You keep spare ammo in your bra.
- You get a run in your stockings while changing a tire on your motorhome.
- Your purse is a toolbox.
- You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle nosed pliers.
- You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.
- You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.
- You call your vanity "your work bench."
- You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and eye liners.
- "Doing your nails" means sorting the ten-pennies from the sixteen-pennies.
- Your favorite leather skirt was made from the moose you shot last Fall.
- Your new sandals are made from truck tire re-treads your found on the road.
- You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.
- You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.
- Your best silver necklace is made from beer can pull-tabs.
- Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.
-. You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.
- Your moisturizer says "non-detergent SAE 10W30" on the container.
- You remove your leg hair with duct tape.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive
called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you
know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.
"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody
knocks on the door."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
Finally everyone had gotten off the tour bus except for the singer's aged mother walking with a cane. Stopping next to the driver she said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," Replied the driver. "What is it?"
"Did we arrive, or were we shot down?"
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
During late spring one year, Paris Hilton was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+966)
I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
A hyena is drinking at a watering hole one day when he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle, making it fly the better part of a mile.
The hyena asks, "What did you do that for?"
"Well," answers the elephant, "About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB and paid him back."
"Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember what that turtle looked like after that many years?"
The elephant replied, "I have turtle recall."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5197)
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer signed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't, but you know what a liar he is."
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Bloom's kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn't come down. He tried everything. He pleaded with it - "Here kitty kitty," he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of milk by the tree and then placed his pet's basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So the Rabbi thought about the problem for a while and came up with a solution.
He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check, he found he still couldn't reach his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
Rabbi Bloom immediately went looking for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they'd seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it had gone, it had become good company.
Some days later, he met Freda in the Deli and was surprised to see some cat food in her basket - he knew she hated cats.
" Freda, why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked.
"You won't believe me, Rabbi," she replied. "My daughter Sarah had been begging me for weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, Sarah nagged me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Rabbi, I know you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the empty sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of Sarah. And that's why I'm buying cat food!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
After living out their retirement years in Miami Beach, Sam Goldberg passes away. His wife, distraught over the passing of her husband of 65 years, goes to the newspaper to discuss Sam's obituary.
The obituary editor says to Ruth, "tell me about your late husband." Ruth proceeds to tearfully extol Sam's virtues to the heavens... his incredibly charitable nature, his unsurpassed philanthropy, his impeccable business ethics, his excellence and loving nature as a husband, father, brother, son.
After 20 minutes of praise, the editor interrupts Ruth, saying, "Unfortunately, Mrs. Goldberg, due to the preponderance of elderly people in Miami Beach, this newspaper, unlike in the past, can no longer to afford to print lengthy obituaries at no cost, irrespective of how wonderful your late husband was. Our current policy is to offer you the first five words for free, and each additional word will cost you ten cents."
Ruth ponders this for a while, and then says to the editor, "okay, then, please print this... "
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Two men were walking along the street when they came
upon a dog licking his dick.
One man said, "I sure wish I could do that."
The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going
to have to pet him first."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5197)
A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along very
well, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartment
for a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, he
asked if he could give her an old fashioned kiss. Her reply was "At a
time like this you want me to change positions?"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
Solomon is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, Solomon runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and manages to hide in a cave. But he is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave and now Solomon is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed--also praying in Hebrew. Solomon thinks to himself "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear in the area! We're mishpocheh--I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "... HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA'ARETZ."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course. But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.
So the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reached the house they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They found an old man sitting in his rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.
He said, "I am a genie and I would like to thank you for letting me free from this bottle, and I would like to grant you 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine."
So the husband says "I want a private aircraft for myself." The wife said she would like a house in every single country.
The genie says, "for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady."
The husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.
Then he asks the lady "How old is your husband?"
she replies "47"
and the genie says "And he still believes in genies?"
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb, and one of them calls 911...
Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."
Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Operator: "The power in the house in on?"
Blonde: "Of course."
Operator: "And the switch is on?"
Blonde: "Yes, yes."
Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"
Blonde: "No, it's working fine."
Operator: "Then what's the problem?"
Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)
Maurice was 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.
"Mr Levy, what about urination? Do you have any problems?"
Maurice replies, "No doctor, it's very regular, every morning at precisely 7am."
"And what about your bowel movements?"
Maurice replies, "They're fine also doctor, every morning at precisely 8am."
The doctor asks, "So then why did you come to see me, Mr Levy?"
Maurice replies, "Oy, doctor, I don't wake up before 10am."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough(they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5... . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)
Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed.
They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.
After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."
The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
Read all jokes from:Chicken (+17)
The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:
1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: BOWLING
2. Sport of choice for front line workers: FOOTBALL
3. Sport of choice for supervisors: BASEBALL
4. Sport of choice for middle management: TENNIS
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: GOLF
CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1015)
Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so.
"Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have picked it up!"
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
Shlomo walks into 'Harry Kosher Butchers', goes over to Harry and says, "So, Harry, I hear that you're something of a betting man."
"Yes," replies Harry.
"Well," says Shlomo, "You're a tall man, so I bet you $50 that you cant reach those pieces of meat hanging on those hooks up on that wall."
"Im not taking your bet," says Harry.
"Why not?" says Shlomo, "I thought you were a betting man."
"I am," says Harry, "but the steaks are too high!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5197)
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,
"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass.
The first cow said "Moo."
And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."
Read all jokes from:Cow (+23)
If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.
An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and
says he'll give her a ride home.
On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking old
broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass".
She says "What???!!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn't due
for 5 more days, so she agrees.
They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and he
says to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would have
offered you $20.00!"
She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I would
have taken off my pantyhose!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.
We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise
(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passerby who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5197)
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup and Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. Reply to Box 13
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is
using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he
finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the
line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the
racquet out of your mouth."
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1014)
Manny and his wife Ethel go to the Farnborough Air Display every year. Every year, Manny says, "Ethel, I'd like to take a ride in a plane," and every year she replies, "I know, but a ride in a plane is expensive."
At this year's Air Display, as Manny and Ethel are walking past the plane ride, Manny says, "Ethel, I'm getting old. If I don't go up in that plane today, I'll never get another chance."
Ethel replies, "But Manny, that ride costs $35 and $35 is $35 you know."
The pilot hears their conversation, "Hey you two, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take you both up for a ride and if you can both stay absolutely silent for the entire trip, I won't charge you a thing. But if I hear just one sound, I'll charge you $35."
Manny and Ethel talk it over and agree to the offer. So up they go.
The pilot tries very hard to get them to shout out in fear - he puts the plane in a series of dives; he twists and turns the plane at speed; he even rolls the plane on its back, but he doesn't hear a sound from his elderly passengers.
When they land, the pilot turns to Manny and says, "You're very brave, I tried everything to make you shout out aloud, but you didn't utter a word."
Manny replies, "Thanks, but to be honest, I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but $35 is $35 you know."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
When they say good morning back, it's Freshmen.
When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores.
When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors.
When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors.
When they write it down, it's graduate students.
Read all jokes from:College (+414)
Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".
Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.
The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up. An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."
One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up. In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said,
"Don't worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.
Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was pissed. He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee.
Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!
Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose
and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things."
"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls."
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
Three 12 year olds, Benjy, Sidney and Oliver, are sitting on the balcony of Benjy's 6th floor flat discussing the jobs they'd like to do when they grow up.
"I want to be an actuary," Sidney says.
"Why do you want to be that?" the other two ask.
"Well," replies Sidney, "do you see that silver car down there? Well that's a Lexus IS250 and all actuaries drive Lexus cars."
"Well," says Oliver, "I want to be a footballer."
"Why do you want to be that?" the other two ask.
Oliver points to the car next to the Lexus and says, "that car's a Bentley and all good footballers drive Bentley cars."
Benjy says, "When I grow up I want to be a koorveh."
"Why do you want to be that?" the other two ask.
"Because my dad says my older sister is a koorveh and that Lexus and that Bentley are both hers."
(koorveh: a trollop, a prostitute, a woman who trades on her sexuality for money, gifts or position)
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Abraham, an old Jewish immigrant, is a cloth merchant. He lives in London next door to Craig, the biggest Anti-Semite in town. One day Craig calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew. I want to buy a piece of orange cloth. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says "OK."
The next morning Craig is awoken at 7am by the sound of lorries. He runs outside to see dozens of lorries dumping load after load of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon the front of his house is a sea of orange cloth 5 feet deep. Abe then presents Craig with a bill for £12,000.
Craig starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "Jew, what are you doing to me? I asked you for a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Abe replies, "The tip of my penis is in Poland."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought it was worth trying.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.
"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth rub throat of cat to encourage swallowing.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get wife to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get wife to lie on cat with its head just visible from below wife's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to wife's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's garden shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a glass of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get wife to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for session with Psychiatrist for even daring to think about giving your cat a pill!
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette".
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427), Little Johnny (+648)
* Both take up too much space on the bed.
* Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.
* Both are threatened by their own kind.
* Both mark their territory.
* Both are suspicious of the postman.
* Both are bad at asking you questions.
* Both pass gas shamelessly.
* Both like dominance games.
* Both tend to smell riper with age.
* Neither of them tells you what's bothering them.
* Neither of them does dishes.
* Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
* Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
* Neither understands what you see in cats.
* The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
* Freezer Foods:
o Ice Cream
+ If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
o Frozen Foods
+ Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
* In the Fridge:
o Eggs
+ When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
o Dairy Products
+ Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!
o Meat
+ If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
o Unmarked Items
+ You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
o General Rule of Thumb
+ Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
* On the Shelf:
o Canned Goods
+ Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of... Very carefully.
o Potatoes
+ Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
o The Gag Test
+ Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
o Bread
+ Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
o Cereal
+ It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
o Flour
+ Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
o Pretzels
+ Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
o Raisins
+ Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
o Salt
+ It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
o Spices
+ Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
o Vinegar
+ If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
* Expiration Dates:
o This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
A Priest and a Rabbi were talking one day.
And the conversation eventually turned as it always did, to the Rabbi's Piety.
The Priest kept on urging him,"Come on Rabbi, this is the 21st century. Why don't you lighten up? When are you going to break down and have a ham sandwich?"
The Rabbi looked at him at length and replied,"At your wedding, Father. At your wedding!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
* If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
* Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
* The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
* Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
* A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
* If you want a nice man go for a bald one - they try harder.
* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
* A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
* Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
* Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
* Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
* Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
* There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you can still use them.
* Men are like animals - messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
* Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells per man.
* There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).
* Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.
* If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
* All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
* If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
* Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card. She
asks the clerk if they have any new and different cards - something
unusual. The clerk points her to a new card just in that day - "Happy
Birthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry."
The blonde replied, "How cool! I'll take the whole box!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was
to be direct about
it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and
said,"Hey, honey,
whaddaya say to a little fuck?"
She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The attorney stated "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice "What would you like it to be?"
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband replies, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you dong?" she says.
The husband replies, "I'm still hungry so I was going to order room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"NO! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1015)
One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decide to go out for breakfast. The waitress at 'The Walnut Tree' tells them that the special that morning is two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for $3.99.
"That sounds good," says Sadie, "but I dont want any eggs."
"OK," says the waitress, but I will then have to charge you $4.50."
"Why," asks Shlomo, "it doesn't make sense."
"Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replies.
"Do you mean Ill have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sadie asks.
"Yes," replies the waitress.
"OK then, Ill take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replies.
At the end of the meal, Sadie takes the two eggs home.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!
HOW TO WASH THE CAT
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both
lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
(You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will
self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from
your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will
be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power "Wash"
and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where
he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
...you've signed so many recall petitions that you can't remember the name of the current gubernatorial incumbent.
...you notice that your car is overheating --- and you haven't started it yet.
...you can say Hohokam and no one thinks you're making it up.
...you no longer associate rivers or bridges with water.
...you see more water flowing down the street than is in the Salt River.
...you know that a "swamp cooler" is not a happy hour drink.
...you can contemplate a high temperature of 120 degrees as "not all that bad, after all it's a dry heat."
...you can go from the dead of winter to summer in a 4 hour drive.
...you go to a fake beach to ride fake waves and call it surfing without cracking a smile.
...you have learned to expertly maneuver your vehicle under any traffic conditions using only two fingers; a skill usually learned initially in July.
...you know that you can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in your microwave.
...you have to run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so that you can use your fireplace.
...you notice that your idea of the "best" parking place is determined more by shade than by distance.
...you know that Valley Fever is not a disco dance.
...the water coming from the "cold" tap is hotter than that from the "hot" tap.
...you can correctly pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier del Bac", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and "Tlaquepacque".
...it's noon on a weekday in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one single person is moving on the streets.
...you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
...sunscreen is sold year 'round, is kept at the front of the checkout counter. A formula less than SPF 30 is a source of humor amongst shoppers waiting in line, and you apply it just to go to Circle K.
...you think that Circle K signs are the state tree.
...it does not seem unusual to you that someone would develop and market a personal misting system for joggers --- or that joggers would actually buy them.
...hot air balloons can't fly because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
...having your car reupholstered in vinyl is legal basis for conducting a sanity hearing.
...you can understand the reason for a town being named "Why".
...upon entering a bar, there is a gun check
Read all jokes from:Arizona (+117)
Heaven is ...
Where the police are British,
The cooks are Italian,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is ...
Where the police are German,
The cooks are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.
Read all jokes from:Travel (+295)
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
My one neighbor Van is a true sport fisherman. He said once he caught a Great White Shark. Never having seen it on display in his home, I asked what happened to it. He sighed and replied, "Well, it was too small to keep, so me and three other guys threw it back in."
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1014)
In North Carolina, it is against the law to use elephants to plow cotton fields.
In New York City, one is forbidden from shooting rabbits from the back end of a Third Avenue streetcar when it is moving.
In Kansas, people cannot shoot rabbits while in a motorboat.
In Statesville, North Carolina, it is against the law to race rabbits in the streets.
In Tuscumbia, Alabama, no more than eight rabbits can reside on the same block.
A law in Detroit, Michigan, prohibits crocodiles from being tied to a fire hydrant.
Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, New York.
In Baltimore, Maryland, it is necessary to document any services performed by a jackass.
In Ohio, it is against the law to set a fire under your mule if it balks.
In Arkansas, if your 2- year- old mule runs wild and is unclaimed within 2 days, anyone may castrate the animal.
In Marshalltown, Iowa, a horse will be breaking the law if it eats a fire hydrant.
People can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog in Oklahoma.
Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, dogs are prohibited from going on private property unless the owner gives his consent first.
In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
Dogs are strictly forbidden from riding in ambulances in Westport, Massachusetts.
Wallace, Idaho, decreed it is unlawful for anyone to sleep in a dog kennel.
In Clawson, Michigan, a law specifically makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. But the animals may not be in the house after sunup or during the day.
Florida has a law prohibiting the transporting of livestock on school buses.
If you live in Franklin, Kentucky, you can't legally trade horses after dark.
In Alabama, no mules can be traded after supper when the sun has already gone below the horizon. And in Idaho, you can't buy or sell chickens after sundown without the sheriff's permission.
It is illegal to lasso a catfish in Tennessee and the state of Washington.
In Seattle, goldfish can ride the city buses in bowls only if they keep still.
You cannot shoot fish with a bow and arrow in Louisville, Kentucky. And you cannot shoot fish with a gun in the state of Washington or in Hazelhurst, Mississippi.
It's against the law to get a fish drunk in Oklahoma.
In Kansas, you cannot fish with your bare hands, while in the state of Washington, you can't catch a fish by throwing a rock at it.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
Q: What does a guitar player and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.
The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans . . ."
The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"
The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."
"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."
Read all jokes from:Football (+145)
How do Italians teach their children to correctly put on underwear?
Yellow to the front, Brown to the back!
Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)
Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.
After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?"
Bob explained and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze your ass off."
Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.
Then his wife got an idea. "Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way."
Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.
Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?"
Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"
"You are crazy. Come on in."
"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, " 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)
Harry wakes up one morning to find a gorilla up in the tree in his front yard. Not knowing quite what to do, he looks in the yellow pages under "Gorilla Removal Service" and sure enough finds a listing- Fred's Ape Removal.
So he calls up Fred and about an hour later Fred shows up with all the tools of his trade, a pick- up truck, a pair of handcuffs, a ferociously- trained pit bull and a shotgun.
Fred then proceeds to explain the removal procedure to Harry because he will need help: "Now, I'm going to climb up in this tree and shake the tree until the gorilla falls out of the tree. The very instant the gorilla hits the ground, this pit bull is trained to rush up and bite his balls off. This will temporarily immobilize the gorilla allowing you to safely walk up and place the handcuffs on him. I'll then get him into the truck while he's still in a daze".
Fred then begins to climb the tree and Harry asks, "Hey what's the shotgun for?"
"Oh, yes," says Fred, "occasionally when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes back, and if I fall, shoot the damn dog!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787), Mouse (+30), Sex (+4815)
Pamela Anderson went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color,
new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, Pamela exclaimed "How do you know
I'm a blonde'" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
Q: Why did Angus Young get paid only $2.00 for changing a childs diaper, picking up after his kids, taking out the garbage and washing his dog?
A: Because dirty deeds are done dirt cheap!
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,"No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, And again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to out last him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian."
Read all jokes from:Italian (+654)
A drunk Russian guy walks up to a Jewish guy and says to him,'why are all you dirty Jews so rich and yet so mean?'
To which the Jewish guy replies, 'I am not a rich man and none of my Jewish friends are rich either'
Feeling angered at the Russian guys question the Jewish guy then asks ' why are all Russian girls called Natasha and work as prostitutes?'
To which the Russian guy replies in shocked anger,'thats not fair to say that, my grand mother's name is Svetlana and she nolonger works as a prostitute!'
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.
They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.
After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999), Redneck (+1460)
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair.
Hannah looked at her mother and said, "Why have you got some white hairs, mummy?"
Her mother replied, "Well darling, every time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her mother's hairs turns white."
Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, "Mummy, so how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Q: What do Alaskans do when their boats are too leaky?
A: Use them for dog houses.
Read all jokes from:Alaska (+171)
Little grandson asked: "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?"
"I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep."
Read all jokes from:Military (+607)
A restaurant full of lawyers was held hostage. The bad guys threatened that until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Read all jokes from:Law (+1199)
A certain psychiatrist had fallen into the habit, each day after work, to stop in the local bar for a drink to relax. Being a man of strange tastes, his favorite drink was a chicory daiquiri.
Dick, the bartender, had only this one customer who requested this strange concoction, but because the doctor was a regular, he kept a supply of chicory, in the refrigerator. The doctor always stopped in at the same time every day, so Dick was able to prepare the drink ahead of time and have it ready and waiting for this regular customer.
One day, as Dick was preparing for the doctors arrival, he discovered he had run out of chicory. He was frantic to find a solution to his problem. Then he noticed a bottle of hickory flavoring on the shelf. In the hopes the doctor would not notice, he prepared the drink and slid it onto the bar just as his customer sat down.
After the Doctor took the first sip, he asked, " Is this a Chicory daiquiri Dick?"
"No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc!" was the reply.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash machine? When you take out some money, it says to you "Nu, what did you do with the last
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations; you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded.
The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. * No taxes. * No debt. * Plenty buffalo * Plenty beaver * Women did the work * Medicine man free * Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."
The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"
He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes."
Read all jokes from:Family (+438)
Hyman recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
Hyman was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 80, doctor?"
He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no", Hyman replied, "I've never done either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?"
Hyman replied, "No, I've heard that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" asked the doctor.
"No I don't," Hyman replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or mess with women?"
"No," said Hyman, "I've done none of those things."
The doctor looked at Hyman and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all your spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
THANKS, MUM!
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a
while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."
He says, "Why's that?"
She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen
minutes."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
Two Japanese businessmen were talking during their dip in the hot baths
at the geisha house.
"Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you."
Upset, Hirokosan asked for more information.
"More, she is dishonoring you with a foreigner who is of the Jewish faith."
Shocked, Hirokosan went home to confront his wife. "I am told you are
dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."
"That is a lie!" she replied, outraged. "Where did you hear such mishegass?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
You taught your children how to play "Pull My Finger."
You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Ares, the god of war.
You tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.
You tell your wife to squeal like a pig to start foreplay.
You thing "megabytes" means a good day fishing.
You think "Chablis" is the name of last month's Playboy centerfold.
You think "Country & Western" covers both types of music.
You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
You think "harass" are two words.
You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.
You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
You think "manual labor" is a Spanish ambassadar.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
You think "Old Yeller" refers to your brother's tooth.
You think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
You think "social consciousness" means how well you can hold your liquor.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
You think "trash TV" is something in your backyard.
You think "wind sprints" means running from a fart.
You think 2 Pac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.
You think 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size.
You think 7-11 is a grocery store.
You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.
You think a "cursor" is someone who swears a lot.
You think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You think a computer hacker carries an axe.
You think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.
You think a date is going out mooning people.
You think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You think a lava lamp is erotic.
You think a lavatory is a breed of dog.
You think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
You think a stock tip is advice on wormin' your hogs.
You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.
You think a TV dinner consists of a RC Cola and a moonpie.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.
You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
You think beef stroganoff is when the bull is playing with himself.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You think coming from a broken home means your trailer has a flat.
You think country and western are the two kinds of music.
You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
You think deer hunting should be an Olympic sport.
You think dingle berries are a fruit.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think dressing up is putting on all your camo.
You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You think garabage pickin' is a hobbie.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You think golf is when you try to hit the ball up your neighbors hole
You think good china is China without any Chinese people.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
You think hocking loogies onto oncoming vehicles should be an Olympic sport.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You think Iraq is a high performance Camaro.
You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3-year o.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
You think NSYNC is where the dirty dishes are.
You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
You think people who have elictricty are uppity.
You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
You think ribs come from Europe.
You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
You think safe sex is having a pad in the headboard of your bed.
You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think suspenders are a type of shirt.
You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You think Tang is in the fruit group.
You think that "G.E.D." stands for "Good Enough Degree"
You think that "HANK" of "Huntin with Hank" is a real fine actor
You think that "loaden up the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
You think that "Winnie-the-Pooh" is something your Granny just left on the rug.
You think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think that duct tape works better than spot welding.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
You think that the apple com-pu-ter is the latest in new fangled tech-o-nol-o-gee.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do on the diving board.
You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.
You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
You think the first four words of the national anthem are, ""Gentlemen start your engines".
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You think the Internet is a new fishing tool.
You think the internet is something you use fishing.
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen start your engines."
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines" or "Play Ball... "
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball... "
You think the most popular pick-up line is "Nice tooth!"
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.
You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
You think the quarterhorse is the ride outside of Wal-Mart.
You think the Roman Empire has somthing to do with a cell phone.
You think the space program is fake and pro wrestling is real.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs, hens, or chickens!
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.
You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
You think the unibomber was a wrestler.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You think the winter Olympic sport of curling is part of the "Big Hair" competition.
You think the WWF is a romantic sport.
You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You think those yellow traffic signs that say "Slow children at play" means the kids in the area are not too bright.
You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
You think toilet water is exactly that.
You think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
You think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
You think W.W.J.D stands for, "What would Junior do?"
You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You think your sister is sexier than your wife.
You think, "recycle" means to ride your bike again.
You thought ER was ET's cousin.
You thought Texas A&M is a root beer made in Texas.
You thought the Sega Dreamcast was a new fishing rod.
You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
You thought the Y2K Bug was a new species of insect.
You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
You time your belches to achieve a personal best.
You tip the waiter with change.
You took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
You took your sister/brother to the prom.
You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.
You use a bed sheet as a sofa cover.
You use a gas can to fill up your pick up truck.
You use a NASCAR credit card.
You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
You use a weedeater in your living room.
You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.
You use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
You use bread twisters for ornament hooks on your Christmas tree.
You use channel locks for a nose hair trimmer.
You use coffee filters when you run out of toilet tissue.
You use dental floss to restring your banjo.
You use duct-tape as bikini wax.
You use lava soap more than three times a day.
You use mason jars to make lamps.
You use old auto parts as a boat anchor.
You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight in your new rifle.
You use the car that is broken down in the driveway as a tool shed.
You use the CD-ROM drive on your computer to hold your beer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
You use the shaving cream made for tough beards and so does your husband.
You use the term "over yonder' more than once a month.
You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.
You use the word "man" at least four times in each sentence you speak.
You use the word ain't a lot.
You use your belt buckle as identification
You use your boxers as a surrender flag.
You use your computer as a stereo.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
You use your front porch as a deerstand.
You use your great uncle's underpants for cleaning rags.
You use your native language, to cuss at your kids, to cover up the fact that you are a redneck in your native country.
You use your shoe as a tobacco can.
You use your shower curtain as your Prom dress.
You use your water gun as a shower sprayer.
You use your weed whacker as a toothpick.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
You videotape fishing shows.
You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
You wait all night to shoot one mouse with your grandma's BB gun.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
You walk the ends off your jeans instead of hemming them.
You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.
You wash your truck in a mud puddle.
You watch "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and have to find someone to explain it to you.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You watch Jerry Springer to see if any of your relatives are on the show today.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
You wax your eyebrows with duck tape.
You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.
You wear a tube top to a wedding.
You wear camouflage pants with a plaid flannel shirt and combat boots.
You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You wear flannel shirts no matter what season it is.
You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
You wear your Mom's dress that she wore at her funeral.
You wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 8-tracks.
You were allowed to drink beer and date the teacher all through high school.
You were born and raised in a pickup truck.
You were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
You were expelled from summer school.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)