You taught your children how to play "Pull My Finger."
You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Ares, the god of war.
You tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.
You tell your wife to squeal like a pig to start foreplay.
You thing "megabytes" means a good day fishing.
You think "Chablis" is the name of last month's Playboy centerfold.
You think "Country & Western" covers both types of music.
You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
You think "harass" are two words.
You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.
You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
You think "manual labor" is a Spanish ambassadar.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
You think "Old Yeller" refers to your brother's tooth.
You think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
You think "social consciousness" means how well you can hold your liquor.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
You think "trash TV" is something in your backyard.
You think "wind sprints" means running from a fart.
You think 2 Pac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.
You think 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size.
You think 7-11 is a grocery store.
You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.
You think a "cursor" is someone who swears a lot.
You think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You think a computer hacker carries an axe.
You think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.
You think a date is going out mooning people.
You think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You think a lava lamp is erotic.
You think a lavatory is a breed of dog.
You think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
You think a stock tip is advice on wormin' your hogs.
You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.
You think a TV dinner consists of a RC Cola and a moonpie.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.
You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
You think beef stroganoff is when the bull is playing with himself.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You think coming from a broken home means your trailer has a flat.
You think country and western are the two kinds of music.
You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
You think deer hunting should be an Olympic sport.
You think dingle berries are a fruit.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think dressing up is putting on all your camo.
You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You think garabage pickin' is a hobbie.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You think golf is when you try to hit the ball up your neighbors hole
You think good china is China without any Chinese people.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
You think hocking loogies onto oncoming vehicles should be an Olympic sport.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You think Iraq is a high performance Camaro.
You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3-year o.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
You think NSYNC is where the dirty dishes are.
You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
You think people who have elictricty are uppity.
You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
You think ribs come from Europe.
You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
You think safe sex is having a pad in the headboard of your bed.
You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think suspenders are a type of shirt.
You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You think Tang is in the fruit group.
You think that "G.E.D." stands for "Good Enough Degree"
You think that "HANK" of "Huntin with Hank" is a real fine actor
You think that "loaden up the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
You think that "Winnie-the-Pooh" is something your Granny just left on the rug.
You think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think that duct tape works better than spot welding.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
You think that the apple com-pu-ter is the latest in new fangled tech-o-nol-o-gee.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do on the diving board.
You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.
You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
You think the first four words of the national anthem are, ""Gentlemen start your engines".
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You think the Internet is a new fishing tool.
You think the internet is something you use fishing.
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen start your engines."
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines" or "Play Ball... "
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball... "
You think the most popular pick-up line is "Nice tooth!"
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.
You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
You think the quarterhorse is the ride outside of Wal-Mart.
You think the Roman Empire has somthing to do with a cell phone.
You think the space program is fake and pro wrestling is real.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs, hens, or chickens!
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.
You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
You think the unibomber was a wrestler.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You think the winter Olympic sport of curling is part of the "Big Hair" competition.
You think the WWF is a romantic sport.
You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You think those yellow traffic signs that say "Slow children at play" means the kids in the area are not too bright.
You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
You think toilet water is exactly that.
You think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
You think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
You think W.W.J.D stands for, "What would Junior do?"
You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You think your sister is sexier than your wife.
You think, "recycle" means to ride your bike again.
You thought ER was ET's cousin.
You thought Texas A&M is a root beer made in Texas.
You thought the Sega Dreamcast was a new fishing rod.
You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
You thought the Y2K Bug was a new species of insect.
You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
You time your belches to achieve a personal best.
You tip the waiter with change.
You took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
You took your sister/brother to the prom.
You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.
You use a bed sheet as a sofa cover.
You use a gas can to fill up your pick up truck.
You use a NASCAR credit card.
You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
You use a weedeater in your living room.
You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.
You use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
You use bread twisters for ornament hooks on your Christmas tree.
You use channel locks for a nose hair trimmer.
You use coffee filters when you run out of toilet tissue.
You use dental floss to restring your banjo.
You use duct-tape as bikini wax.
You use lava soap more than three times a day.
You use mason jars to make lamps.
You use old auto parts as a boat anchor.
You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight in your new rifle.
You use the car that is broken down in the driveway as a tool shed.
You use the CD-ROM drive on your computer to hold your beer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
You use the shaving cream made for tough beards and so does your husband.
You use the term "over yonder' more than once a month.
You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.
You use the word "man" at least four times in each sentence you speak.
You use the word ain't a lot.
You use your belt buckle as identification
You use your boxers as a surrender flag.
You use your computer as a stereo.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
You use your front porch as a deerstand.
You use your great uncle's underpants for cleaning rags.
You use your native language, to cuss at your kids, to cover up the fact that you are a redneck in your native country.
You use your shoe as a tobacco can.
You use your shower curtain as your Prom dress.
You use your water gun as a shower sprayer.
You use your weed whacker as a toothpick.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
You videotape fishing shows.
You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
You wait all night to shoot one mouse with your grandma's BB gun.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
You walk the ends off your jeans instead of hemming them.
You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.
You wash your truck in a mud puddle.
You watch "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and have to find someone to explain it to you.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You watch Jerry Springer to see if any of your relatives are on the show today.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
You wax your eyebrows with duck tape.
You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.
You wear a tube top to a wedding.
You wear camouflage pants with a plaid flannel shirt and combat boots.
You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You wear flannel shirts no matter what season it is.
You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
You wear your Mom's dress that she wore at her funeral.
You wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 8-tracks.
You were allowed to drink beer and date the teacher all through high school.
You were born and raised in a pickup truck.
You were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
You were expelled from summer school.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
