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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The doctors' convention

It's 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Minkofsky's house. "It's Dr. Gold," says his wife, passing him the phone, "I do hope it's not another emergency."
Dr. Minkofsky takes the phone and says, "Hi, what's up?"
"Don't worry, everything's OK," replies Dr. Gold. "It's just that I'm at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We're having a little game of poker and we're short of one hand so we thought you might like to come over and join us?"
"Sure... . yes, of course," replies Dr. Minkofsky, putting on a serious voice, "I'm leaving right now." And he puts down the phone.
"What's happened?" his wife asks, with a worried look.
"It's very serious," Dr. Minkofsky replies. "They've already called three doctors."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)


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The loan

Issy walks into a central London bank and says he's going to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns to the bank and repays the £5,000 plus interest of £9.41
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow £5,000?"
"Where else in central London could I park my car for two weeks for £9.41

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Socrates once said 'To be is to

Socrates once said 'To be is to do.'
Descartes once said 'To do is to be.'
Louis Armstrong once said 'Do be do be do be.'

Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)


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A robber was robbing a house when

A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching
you!" "who's
there?" The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and
he heard it two
more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber
asked. "Cocodora"
said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora"
said the robber.
"The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)


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Just a line...

Just a line to say that I am living,
that I'm not among the dead;
though I'm getting more forgetful
and mixed up in my head.

I got wed to my arthritis
to my dentures I'm resigned;
I can manage with my bifocals
but, God, I miss my mind!

For sometimes I can't remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs;
If I must go up for something
or have I just come down from there?

And before the fridge so often
my poor mind is filled with doubt;
Have I just put food away, or
have I just come to take some out?

And there is time when it is dark
with my nightcap on my head;
I don't know if I'm retiring
or just getting out of bed.

So, if it's my turn to write you,
there is no need for getting sore;
I may think that I have written
and don't want to be a bore.

So, remember that I love you
and wish that you were near;
but now it's nearly mail time,
must say goodbye, my dear.

Here I stand beside the mailbox
with a face so very red;
instead of mailing your letter
I have opened it instead!

Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)


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Y'All cut back now...

(to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone-
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his Dong with the swipe of a knife.

PENIS, That Is. Clean Cut. Missed His Nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend.

CURVE, That is Tossed the Nub. In the Shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there!"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

FOUND, That Is By a Fence. Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a Dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that dong."
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.

WHIZZED, That Is Even Seam, Straight Stream

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

VIDEO, That Is Unexposed. Case Closed.

Ya'll Sleep on Your Stomachs Now, Ya Hear.........

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)


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A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Mahon replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

"I can't print that," said the reporter, "Is there another event that made you really happy?" Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."

Read all jokes from:America US (+264)


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Three old ladies are walking down the

Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.

One: "Whew, it's windy today!"

Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"

Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar!

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)


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Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
The area around the Jordan--the banks were always overflowing.

Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)


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Younger Looking

My wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to me and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" I nodded my head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, honey, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!" she happily exclaimed.

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

Read all jokes from:Women (+406)


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Taking your troubles to bed

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)


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WOOF-WOOF

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.

The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef.

He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)


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The hospital visitor Moishe was in hospital

The hospital visitor
Moishe was in hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room.
She said she was there to cheer up the sick.
They started talking and she soon asked about his life. Moishe talks about his wife, Freda and his 11 children.
"Well, well" the nun says, "11 children, a good and proper Catholic family. I'm sure that G-d is very, very proud of you."
"I'm sorry", says Moishe, "I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!", she screams, "You're a sex maniac."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)


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A man walked into a bar with

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Read all jokes from:Law (+1199)


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The Loving Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787), Medical (+1844)


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How to Build a Web Page in 25 Steps

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software ~ 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page ~ 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it ~ 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site ~ 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like ~ 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again ~ 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do ~ 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there ~ 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ~ 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images ~ 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone ~ 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP ~ 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10" ~ 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ~ 8 hours.

16. Fine - tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP ~ 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page ~ 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page ~ 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server ~ 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software ~ 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again ~ 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server ~ 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web ~ 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps ~ eternity.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)


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A dog walks into this bar, jumps

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)


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Pressing F1 for Help

A friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon when he noticed a blonde sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She snapped, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)


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In a cartoon showing two people fighting

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

Read all jokes from:Law (+1198)


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Accident Reports

The following are reported to be taken from actual insurance claims:
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

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Admit that you did that

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

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The 3 sons

Issy leaves school and decides to open a small grocery store in Hendon. He's good to his customers and the store does well. Soon he meets a beautiful girl and within months they are married. A year later a boy arrives. Issy calls Dr Myers, a mohel, who performs the Bris and charges Issy $50.
Over the next 12 months, his business begins to take off and Issy opens a large supermarket in Hampstead. It too does well and they buy a nice house near their business. Then a second boy arrives and once again Issy calls Dr Myers who performs the Bris and who this time charges him $250.
Over the next two years, Issy opens more supermarkets and even moves into the catering business. They move home again, this time to a large 8-bedroom house in Knightsbridge. Then, once again, his wife presents him with a son and once again Issy requests the services of Dr Myers who performs the Bris. This time, Dr Myers charges Issy $1,000.
As Issy hands over the cheque, he says to Dr Myers, "Over the time we've been using you, your charges have increased by far more than inflation. Why should this be so? Is it because I'm wealthy?"
Dr Myers replies, "No, absolutely not. My $50 charge was for a Bris, my $250 charge was for a ritual circumcision and my $1,000 charge was for an extra special shmuckelotomy."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)


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Back from the Dead

An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.

Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So, of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)


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Cat Commandments

* Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

* Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

* Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

* Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.

* Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

* Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

* Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

* Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

* Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

* Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

* Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.

* Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

* Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

* Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

* Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

* Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

* Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

* Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

Read all jokes from:Cat (+695)


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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" to which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)


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What do you get if you have

What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
Saturday Night Fever.

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)


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An IBM customer had trouble installing software

An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in ...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)


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Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: He was dead.

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)


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"The reason that every major university maintains

"The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people."

Read all jokes from:Student (+358)


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Q: What's the the definition of a vagina?

Q: What's the the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)


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Cat Goes to Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a Moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)


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Q: What's white, furry, and throws snowballs?

Q: What's white, furry, and throws snowballs?
A: A bowler bear!

Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)


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The Engineer had just returned from a

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His
boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as
he looked absolutely terrible. "Well... " said the Engineer, "I met
this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and
wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we
ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why
are your eyes so red ?"

"Well... " said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had
a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking
about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How
come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well... " said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5
times a day for four days and not look like this."

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)


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A young Jewish boy...

A young Jewish boy asks his father:
"Dad, can you give me 10 pounds...?"
The father says:
"8 pounds?... why do you need 6 pounds..?"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)


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Yiddish parrot

Shlomo wants to buy a parrot and goes to a pet shop to see what they have.
The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special - it can speak most languages. So Shlomo decides to test this out.
"Do you speak English?" asks Shlomo.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"Hablas Espanol?" asks Shlomo.
"Si," replied the parrot.
"Parlez vouz Francais?" asks Shlomo.
"Oui," replied the parrot.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Shlomo.
"Ja," replied the parrot.
Shlomo pauses for a while, then
asks the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"
The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, "Nu? Vis a nose like dis,
vot you tink?"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)


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China blames America

China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!

Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,' Fully responsible" for today's mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane.

Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.

A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed "Panda Rash", told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet.

"I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight." said the pilot "He could not shake the American foreign-devil" The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.

Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp " Fully responsible for the incident" repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident.

China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.

Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.

"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant" Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying.

Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.

Read all jokes from:Military (+607)


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1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out

1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish

2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.

3. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

4. BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

5. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 400 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.

6. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

7. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

8. KISHKA n. Smooching at a Bar Mitzvah and getting the telltale smell of Stuffed Derma.

9. MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."

10. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

11 RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from New Jersey to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

12. ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

13. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

14. DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and
Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

15. KINDERSCHLEP n. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

16. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

17. OYVAYSMEAR What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.

18. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)


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A man and his wife go to

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple
reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the
husband, "When you
first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your
mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out,
and suck your tits
dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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The Inland Revenue.

Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!"

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Hacker Tarot Cards

The Fool - a manager using a SPARCStation 413,1432 to run a screensaver.

The Magician - a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a Cray on the table in front of him - - - all running the same program with the same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head.

The High Priestess - a woman holding the Documentation, closed and concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her.

The Emperor - Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical disk vertically in his hand.

The Empress - A secretary with a NeXT Machine.

The Heirophant - Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him, their faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop computer on his head.

The Lovers - a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as an angel bathed in glory regards them.

The Chariot - A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve, drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white).

Strength - A woman holding the entire design and implementation of Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An infinity sign is over her head.

The Hermit - An old hacker, white - bearded, burns the midnight oil; its Star - of - David flame illuminates his keyboard.

The Wheel of Fortune - A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++ is sitting on top. Four winged beings - - a mouse, a turtle, a dog - cow, and a human - - look on.

Justice - A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a delete - key in the other.

The Hanged Man - A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct. His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at dawn. His monitor is reverse - video. He programs on, flawlessly, oblivious to his circumstances.

Death - A skeleton weilding a scythe surveys a field, on which are scattered PDP - 11s, Apple ]['s, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and many other machines.

Temperance - An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor blinks from her chest.

The Devil - The goat - headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans, male and female, are in chains at his feet.

The Tower - An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two robed figures, denied tenure, are hurled to the ground.

The Star - A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient fragile moment of peace.

The Moon - A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's. A crayfish crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove deadly. The moon shines through a window.

The Sun - A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs clever applications on a high - quality workstation.

Judgement - An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages arise, to be rated Cool or not.

The World - A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered, in a ring of clouds, a 3 - d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings from the Wheel of Fortune surround her.

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You Might Be A Redneck If... (31)

You've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
You've ever had to move a car seat to make love.
You've ever had to put on a pair of boots to go to the bathroom.
You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call... "
You've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
You've ever heckled during a eulogy.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You've ever hitchhiked naked,
You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playin' on that sheet metal."
You've ever invited friends over to show off what's left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.
You've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
You've ever made love on a tire swing.
You've ever named a child for a good dog.
You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
You've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
You've ever participated in a burp-off.
You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
You've ever picked up your girlfriend in a John Deere.
You've ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it
You've ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a swimming pool.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
You've ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
You've ever returned bottles so you could buy beer with the deposit money.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
You've ever shoplifted Spam.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
You've ever shot a mouse inside your home.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
You've ever slow danced at a Waffle House.
You've ever sold your car for gas money.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
You've ever stolen a bulldozer.

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Physical examination

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.

The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

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Q: What do you call little bugs that live on the moon?

Q: What do you call little bugs that live on the moon?
A: Luna-ticks.

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A spicy story

A woman was riding on a plane next to another man in first class. The man sneezed very hard, pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman couldn't believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn't believe that such a rude person existed.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the tip off.

The woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replied, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then said, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looked at her, grinned and said, "Pepper, of course."

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The good samaritan

A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"

"Yep!"

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"

"Yep."

Then the Good Samaritan got to think that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.

However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep."

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, Then went back downstairs.

To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over toward him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, save me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

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A blonde woman was speeding down the

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

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A Talking Frog

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. "Kiss me and I will turn into a princess." The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.
The frog starts shouting, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours." The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated. "I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask."
The guy says, "Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls... But a talking frog is cool!"

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The Bar

The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."
No one moved.
The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and! in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was
bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets... "

... and then they all had tea.

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Monday, August 29, 2011

Teacher: Tim, you missed school yesterday, didn't

Teacher: Tim, you missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Tim: Not a bit!

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Q: How many IATSE members does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many IATSE members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight... you got a problem with that!?!

Q: What's the difference between a soundman and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a soundman.

Q. What is the difference between Kenny G and a Gatling Gun?
A. A Gatling Gun stops repeating itself after 1,000 rounds.

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Do you know who I am?

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

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Barn Insurance

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

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In the back woods of Arkansas

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in themiddle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in thedelivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lanternand said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world." Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put thelantern down...
I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass." No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,lad...
It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Doye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

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The bar pick-up

Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

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A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

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How can you make a trombone sound

How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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One day a man was walking in

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was
famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,
killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of
park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and
arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him
claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would
have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I
would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well,
it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a
spotted owl."

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Waterbed sex

Chad went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Chad agreed.

When they got to the bedroom, Chad exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed. I've never had sex on a waterbed before."

Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"

"Good idea," he responded and got up. Chad walked out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver.

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Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?

Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...

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A very successful businessman had a meeting

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50/50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

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Ach nasze pieniÄ…dze


Na Fuerteventurze wśród turystów od lat przeważają Niemcy. I to do tego stopnia, że praktycznie do każdego przejezdnego tubylcy od razu zwracają się po niemiecku. Polacy pewnie jeszcze długo nie będą tu przyjeżdżać na tak masową skalę jak nasi zachodni sąsiedzi, jednak w tym sezonie po raz pierwszy wśród kilku czołowych polskich biur podróży pojawił się ten kierunek.

Polska obsługa jest jednak skromna. Oprócz naszych rezydentów można wprawdzie spotkać barmanów, kelnerów, animatorów i recepcjonistów, ale to raczej pojedyncze przypadki.

Szansę na pracę na Kanarach dają właśnie polskie biura podróży. I nie chodzi tutaj tylko o rezydentów, ale również o animatorów rozrywki czy recepcjonistów. Na początku tego roku m.in. Itaka organizowała szkolenie na Fuerteventurze dla animatorów. Biura podróży wprawdzie najwięcej pracowników szukają przed rozpoczęciem sezonu, jednak później również pojawiają się oferty. Tym bardziej, że na wyspie dzięki łagodnemu klimatowi (zimą też jest ciepło, choć zdarzają się opady i noce są chłodniejsze) sezon trwa cały rok.

Praca przez polskie biuro ma swoje zalety. Oznacza bowiem opiekę polskiego koordynatora, pełne ubezpieczenie itp. Minusem może być natomiast to, że naszym pracodawcą jest polska firma, więc stawki też są nasze. Rezydent zarabia około 3000 zł netto, animator trochę mniej.

Bardziej doświadczeni lub odważniejsi mogą skorzystać bezpośrednio z ofert hiszpańskich lub innych zagranicznych firm. Np. Acttiv Leisure Projects S.L. (www.animajobs.com) oferuje pracę i szkolenia dla animatorów różnej specjalności na całych Kanarach. Proponowane zarobki wynoszą 700-1100 euro miesięcznie.



Oferty pracy na Wyspach Kanaryjskich często trafiają do sieci Eures. Warto zatem przeglądać bazy wojewódzkich urzędów pracy, do których są one przekazywane. Prywatne agencje pracy również czasami dysponują ofertami pracy na Kanarach. Jeszcze innym sposobem na znalezienie zatrudnienia, zwłaszcza jeżeli chodzi o kelnerów, barmanów, recepcjonistów, będzie szukanie bezpośrednio w hotelach. Warto przeglądać strony internetowe sieci hotelowych, na których zamieszczane są oferty pracy. Można również porozsyłać zapytania i CV do hoteli. Choć nie brakuje sceptyków tego ostatniego rozwiązania, którzy twierdzą, że na takie zapytania rzadko kiedy jest odzew. Trudno się jednak temu dziwić, nic nie zastąpi bowiem bezpośredniego kontaktu. Jeśli zatem masz trochę grosza na przetrwanie kilku tygodni, może warto wyjechać i poszukać zatrudnienia na miejscu.

Wyspy Kanaryjskie jeszcze w latach 60-tych ubiegłego wieku były mało rozwinięte cywilizacyjnie. Dopiero po śmierci generała Franco w 1975 r. na mocy hiszpańskiej konstytucji Kanary stały się jednym z 17 hiszpańskich regionów autonomicznych. W ślad za tym nastąpił silny rozwój turystyki. To najprężniej działająca dziedzina tutejszej gospodarki, a zatem pracę można znaleźć przede wszystkim w tym sektorze.

Ale dobrze prosperują również branże z turystyką powiązane. Wciąż buduje się tu bowiem nowe hotele i apartamenty, więc budowlańcy również mają szansę na pracę. Poszukiwani są także kierowcy do rozwożenia towarów, a także do prowadzenia przewożących po wyspie turystów autobusów. Na Kanarach istnieje również zapotrzebowanie na usługi. Otwiera się prywatne przychodnie lekarskie, gabinety kosmetyczne, sklepy. Może warto zatem pomyśleć o własnym biznesie.

Praca za granicą - gdzie teraz opłaca się pojechać? Porozmawiaj na Furom

Jeśli chodzi natomiast o pracę w rolnictwie, tej nie ma za dużo. Uprawia się tu wprawdzie warzywa i owoce, ale nie na masową skalę, poza tym na skutek specyficznego klimatu, nie ma typowych sezonów na zbiory. W ogóle odradzamy szukanie pracy w tym sektorze, gdyż w praktyce jest zdominowany przez nielegalnych emigrantów z Afryki gotowych pracować za bardzo niskie stawki.

Kelnerzy, animatorzy, recepcjoniÅ›ci, sprzÄ…taczki - pomimo hiszpaÅ„skiego kryzysu jest w czym wybierać, jeÅ›li chodzi o wakacyjne oferty pracy w na Półwyspie Iberyjskim. Najlepiej, jeÅ›li przynajmniej w stopniu podstawowym znasz hiszpaÅ„ski i masz doÅ›wiadczenie w zawodzie. Niektóre ogÅ‚oszenia skierowane sÄ… wyÅ‚Ä…cznie do osób niepeÅ‚nosprawnych. JeÅ›li myÅ›lisz o pracy sezonowej, to nie ma na co czekać! wiÄ™cej »

Pracując w branży turystycznej praktycznie najważniejszy jest język. Przy czym hiszpański wystarczy na poziomie podstawowym, natomiast w większości przypadków konieczny jest również niemiecki lub angielski. Tak jak wspominaliśmy na początku, z uwagi na wzrastającą liczbę Polaków odwiedzających wyspę, atutem będzie również polski. Pozostałe wymagania zależą już od stanowiska. Na pewno wskazane będzie doświadczenie, a przede wszystkim otwartość i komunikatywność.

Jeśli chodzi o zatrudnienie w hotelach, zakwaterowanie i wyżywienie są najczęściej darmowe. To duży plus, zwłaszcza, że zarobki tutaj nie należą do najwyższych (przeciętnie wynoszą 700-800 euro miesięcznie). Z kolei koszt wynajęcia apartamentu lub niewielkiego domu to około 600-700 euro miesięcznie. Najbardziej opłaca się zatem wynajem w kilka osób, by obniżyć koszty.

I jeszcze mała ciekawostka. Osoba kończąca pracę w hotelu musi liczyć się z tym, że zostanie w pełnym ubraniu wrzucona przez współpracowników do basenu. To taki miejscowy, niewinny zwyczaj praktykowany przez rozrywkowych Kanaryjczyków...

Milena Waldowska




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Headaches

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and.." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?"

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I, myself, suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength, and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a single headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. Oh and, by the way, you have a lovely home."

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Cuckoo

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight ... promise!

Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled."

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Choices

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Q: What did the Jewish mother bank cashier say to her customer?

Q: What did the Jewish mother bank cashier say to her customer?
A: "You never write, you never call, you only visit when you need money."

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Overheard in shul

"You tell me Arnold that you have a relative staying with you over the holidays. Is this relative of yours a religious man?"
"Well let me tell you, Benny. My relative is so orthodox that when he plays chess with me, he doesn't use bishops, he uses rabbis."

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A guy is down on his luck

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino
and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.
I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for... Europe, the Carribean?"
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

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Cleansing power

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

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Farmer John had just walked into the

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman
sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you,
I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this...."

"I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I
sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up
with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work.
I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So
I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.
Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I
wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the
stall."
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally
get to milk her?"
"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll
BUY a tractor from ya..!"

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Did you hear about the blonde who

Did you hear about the blonde who asked for a price check at the Dollar Store?

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Hikers Two hikers are out hiking

Hikers

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second hiker says, "What are you doing?"

The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."

The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear?

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"

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You Might Be An Internet Addict If...

1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

8. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

9. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

10. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

11. Your dog has its own home page.

12. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

13. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

14. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

15. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

16. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

17. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months

18. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

19. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

20. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

21. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

22. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

23. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

24. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

25. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

26. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

27. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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Rectum

Little Johnny has been really excited during show and tell. Finally, the teacher calls on him.

Johnny runs up to the front of the class and begins to excitedly tell his story. "Last night my dog got off the leash and he ran out in the road and a car ran over his butt!"

Teacher said, "Johnny, 'butt' isn't a very nice word. You should say 'rectum'."

Johnny replied, "Rectum??!! Heck yes it rectum, it KILLED 'em!"

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What do you call someone who hangs

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

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Sunday, August 28, 2011

This morning I went to the doctor

This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife's sinus trouble. Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me 'sign us' for this, 'sign us' for that.

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Economists are people who are too smart

Economists are people who are too smart for their own good and not smart enough for anyone else's.

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Sausage

Janey was walking down North Main Street in Danville. As she walked past the delicatessen, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."

Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.

"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."

So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"

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One Friday morning, a teacher came up

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour."

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "You may go home early."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!"

"Very good," says the teacher, "You may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Johnny was not a very good student and could always be depended upon to say something vulgar at a moment's notice. One day in class the teacher was talking about poetry, one of Johnny's favorite subjects.

The teacher had Mary stand up and recite a poem. She recited the poem, "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and Johnny muttered in the back of the room, "Ain't that a bunch of shit!"

The teacher decided to ignore Johnny in the hope that he would stop these mutterings. She then had Jimmy stand up and recite "Hey Diddle Diddle." Johnny muttered in the back again, "Ain't that a bunch of shit"!

After two more poems and two more mutterings, the teacher said, "Johnny! I want you to go out and stand in the hall. You will not be allowed back in the class room until you have made up a rhyme and recite it to the class. And there better not be any
swear words in it!"

Even Johnny didn't like standing idly in the hall so he came up with a rhyme and asked the teacher to allow him back in. "Okay, Johnny, let us hear your rhyme."

Johnny recited, "As I was standing in the hall, I saw a cockroach run up the wall."

The teacher says, "That was pretty good Johnny but, I want you to repeat it. This time, leave the 'cock' out."

Johnny thinks a minute, then says, "As I was standing in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall... with his cock out! Ain't that a bunch of SHIT!"

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I've sure gotten old. I've had 2

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

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Zachary syndrome

Mary is a middle aged woman, she is in the middle of her sexual prime and yet she still cannot get a date. For some reason men just do not want to go out with her. The only reason she can figure is it must be some hormonal imbalance or something.

So she talks to her friends about it and she tells her of a Chinese doctor named Dr. Wong. Mary takes her friends advice and does go to see Dr.Wong.

While in the office she tells Dr.Wong her problem and he tells her to strip and bend over grabbing her ankles. So Mary does.

Dr.Wong checks her over and tells her, "You have Zachary Syndrome!"

"Oh, my god, what does that mean doctor?"

"Your ass rook Zachary like you face!"

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Trainee Rabbi wanted

A young man replied to an advert for a Trainee Rabbi, being attracted by the rate of pay :

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Blind Mohel

What happened to the blind mohel?
He got the sack!

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John receives a phone call. "Hello," he

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice
on the ot other end says, "This is Susan. We met a party
about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took
me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You
told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

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I admitted to my friend that I

I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while.
My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex is
like riding a bicycle.
I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling...

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Morning activity

Bernie awakes and, as he's been doing now for over 35 years, he immediately goes into the bathroom to get ready to go to work. But 15 minutes later, he's still in the bathroom and it's no surprise that his wife Renee finally hammers on the door and shouts out, "What on earth are you doing in there, Bernie? Why are you taking so long?"
"It's simple, Renee," Bernie shouts back. "As I get balder and balder, it's taking me longer and longer to wash my face."

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Low self-esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

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Boyfriend advice

One day, Sadie and Rose are talking about men.
"I have a question for you," says Rose.
"So ask it already," says Sadie.
"OK," says Rose. "If I meet a stranger at a party and I think that he's attractive, do you think it's OK to ask him straight away whether hes married?"
"No, certainly not," replies Sadie, "you should wait until morning."

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The special banquet

A very distinguished orthodox rabbi dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives, he's greeted by an angel.
The angel says, "You'll be pleased to hear that in honour of your arrival, a special banquet has been prepared. You will be served only the finest meats, fish and pastries."
"Who prepared the banquet?" the rabbi asks.
"Why, none other than Moshe Rabeinu," answers the angel.
"And who is the mashgiach?" the rabbi asks.
"Why God himself," replies the angel.
"Thank you very much," says the Rabbi, "but I'll just have the fruit plate, if you don't mind."

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Quasimodo gets depressed

Quasimodo is sat in his study and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda. When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest man alive.

Esmerelda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your question once and for all"

About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug.

"Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who on earth is Iain Dowie?"

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Paris Hilton and Tinkerbell embarassed at lunch

You would think that there wouldn't be *much* that could embarrass Paris Hilton ....

Paris Hilton was having lunch in an open air Cafe in Central Park, while on a break from shooting. Her dog, Tinkerbell, was begging for scraps, but Paris was eating a salad and had nothing to give him, and didn't have time to order more for Tinkerbell before shooting resumed. When the man at the next table left, Paris noticed that he had left an entire pork chop on his plate. Paris Hilton seized opportunity and the pork chop at the same time, leaving Tinkerbell to eat to his heart's content. However, she was embarrassed when the man returned from the bathroom a few minutes later.

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This year's Auburn team is so sorry

This year's Auburn team is so sorry they have to buy a house just to get a yard.

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What do you get when you drop

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

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Students

A Yeshiva bocher and a seminary student met and started to compare notes about career paths.
The Yeshiva student asked, "So what happens after you graduate?" "Well" answered the seminary student, "I become a priest and if I do well I will promoted to be a Bishop" "Bishop, smishop" said the Yeshiva boy "what is so great about becoming a Bishop? " " Well, said the seminary student "if I do well as a Bishop I can be nominated to become a Cardinal ". The Yeshiva boy was still not satisfied "Cardinal, shmardinal, so you get to wear a little purple yarmulke, so what?" "You do not understand" the other one said "as a Cardinal I get sent to Rome and could even become the Pope!" "Pope, shmope" the young Jewish student said " it is not such a big deal, these days he is just a figure head anyway."
The seminary student lost his patience at that at and shouted back " Well, what do you expect me to become? Jesus Christ?"
The yeshiva boy answered back calmly, " Well, one of our boys made it "

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A gay man is in a bar

A gay man is in a bar, on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped.

A big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the ass!"

The gay man looks around and says, "I think you're bragging, but I'm game if you are."

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Redneck Valentine

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo

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Did you hear about the hooker that

Did you hear about the hooker that had her appendix taken out?
Now she does business on the side!

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Optimist: A college student who opens his

Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.

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Q: Why were the Mammoths thrown out of the swimming pool?

Q: Why were the Mammoths thrown out of the swimming pool?
A: Because they couldn't keep their trunks up!

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Saturday, August 27, 2011

How do you get a Tuba to

How do you get a Tuba to sound like a French horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.

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"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questionedn his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat - not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

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Engine Failure

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A blonde passenger, looking quite impatient, turned to the man in the next seat, sighed loudly and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

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Notice to Northerners moving South

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Seriously.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your life depends on it.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" Well, 'cause you ain't from here! We can tell!
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in 'big ol truck' or 'big ol boy'.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard Greens
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. The clothes you brought for December, your neighbors will be wearing in September. "Dang it, it sure is cold out, y'all!"
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do. Everyone will be there buying milk and bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread, preferably white as in Sunbeam.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, to get maximum access to stock car racing and fishing shows.
Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'!", is a valid defense. Especially when directed at Yankees, all y'all! Ack!

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A boy and girl octopus out on

A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in
arm in arm...

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A redneck party

Recently, my redneck neighbors invited me to a party. Here was our conversation:
"Hey dude! Where are you man? We're having a great party over here. Why don't you come on over and join us?"
I replied, "Man, I'm not feeling so good. I think I'm gonna stay right here."
"Well, hey. What'cha got?" they asked.
"I got a case of diarrhea," I responded.
"Well hell.. bring it along. These fools will drink anything!"

Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)


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Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?

Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

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IBM

In the beginning, there was chaos and the Universe was without form and void. The Lord looked upon His domain and decided to declare His presence. "I be" he said, then to correct his grammar added "am." If the Lord had decided to work on irregular verb conjugation first, this wouldn't have happened. God would later curse the English language for its part, but in that moment IBM came into being. The Lord looked out upon the IBM He had created and said "This is good." That's what He said, but He shook his head, wondered what the boys at the User Group would say, split the light from the dark and went to bed. Thus passed the Beginning and the end of the first day.
On the second day, the Lord summoned IBM unto His presence. "There is chaos out there, and the Universe is without form and void. I must correct this and I can use your help. Is there anything you can do for me?"
"I can take care of form," IBM replied. "Put me in charge of computers and I will take care of form for you."
The Lord thought that this was good and said "Let there be computers. Let IBM have my powers of creation that pertain to computers and form." Thus saying, the Lord went off to His second day's work while IBM created the 1401.
On the third day, while the Lord was out, IBM decided to subdivide the assgined task. "Let there be systems that make the computer work and let them be called Operating Systems. Let there also be systems that make use of the computer and let them be called Application Systems." Thus, there came into being both Operating Systems and Application Systems, but there were no programmers.
The next morning IBM had to give the Lord a status report.
"What did you do yesterday?" the Lord asked.
"I invented the operating system" IBM replied.
"You did?" the Lord shuddered. "Oh dear."
"Yes I did," IBM confirmed, "but I find I need something you alone can provide."
"And what is that?"
"I need programmers to use my computers, to operate my operating system and to apply my applications."
"That can't be done now," said the Lord. "This is only the fourth day and there won't be people until the sixth day."
"I need programmers and I need them now. If they can't be people they can't be people, but we have to work this out today."
"Give me some specifications and I'll see what I can do." IBM hastily worked up specs for programmers (are specs ever anything other than hasty) and the Lord reviewed them. The Lord knew the specs weren't sufficient but followed them anyway. He also made some programmers that did just what programmers were supposed to do, just to spite IBM. The programmers and IBM spent the rest of the day creating the Assembler and FORTRAN. On the morning of the fifth day, IBM reported to the Lord once again.
"The programmers you created for me have a problem. They want a programming language that is easy to use and similar to English. I told them you had cursed English, though I still don't know why. They wanted me to ask your indulgence on this."
The Lord had cursed English for good reason, but didn't want to explain this to IBM. He said "let there be COBOL" and that was that.
On the status report of the next day IBM announced that computers had gone forth and multiplied. Unfortunately, the computers still weren't big enough or fast enough to do what the programmers wanted. The Lord liked the idea of going forth multiplying, and used the line Himself later on that day. This sixth day being particularly busy, He declared "Let there be MVS" and there was MVS.
On the seventh day God had finished creation and computers had COBOL and MVS. The Lord and IBM took the day off to go fishing. IBM hung a sign on the door to help programmers in his absence.
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED,
TRY, TRY AGAIN -
AND HAVE THE FOLLOWING READY
BEFORE CALLING IBM.

On the start of the second week the programmers went over IBM's cathode ray tube directly to God. "We have a horrible problem," they complained. "Our users want systems that perform according to their expectations."
"USERS!" the Lord bellowed. "Who said that you should have users! Users are the difference between good and bad applications, a function I have reserved unto myself! Who authorized you to have users?"
"Well, IBM... "
"IBM!! You!! You did this to my programmers! You gave them the knowledge of good and evil. For that you shall suffer through eternity! Let there be competition. Let it be called Anacom, and Burroughs, and CDC." The Lord went through the alphabet several times. "With all this competition you shall still suffer the pain of antitrust legislation all the days of your existence."
This was the start of the second week, and it seems an appropriate place to conclude our report. In case you missed something, a summary of key points follows.

* Users and their needs are and always have been a subject of dispute.
* Nobody can learn English because it is cursed by God. IBM manuals are doubly cursed and therefore twice as hard to understand.
* Of the programming languages, only COBOL can claim divine origin.
* People are people, but programmers are something else.
* Computers may be a gift from heaven, but there's no divine help in getting them to work.
* Because of IBM's initial assignment, there are more forms than anyone knows what to do with.
* Finally, chaos was part of the original state of the Universe and not a product of the data processing industry.

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Appearances Can Be Deceiving

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

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It's a Jersey thing

A guy is getting desperate in a bar and walks up to a woman and says to her, "If I can name three parts of your body that resemble towns in New Jersey, you have to go home with me tonight."

She looks at him and says, "You're on!"

He points to her chest and says, "Point Pleasant."

She says, "Ok, but you'll never get two more."

He then pinches her rear end and says, "Ship Bottom."

She laughs and says, "Ok, that's two; you'll never get a third."

He then points in between her legs and says, "Cherry Hill."

She replies, "Well it used to be Cherry Hill, but now it's Eatontown."

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Nine things dogs don't understand

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it's my food...Oh alright then, just a small piece.

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