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A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
"That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."
"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love?"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198), Sex (+4815)
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
At our Local Learning Center for Adults
Sign Up By March 25th
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.
Topic 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Topic 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? -- Round Table Discussion.
Topic 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls/Nearby Bathtub? -- Group Practice.
Topic 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures/Explanatory Graphics.
Topic 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink? -- Examples on Video
Topic 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. -- Help Line Support and Support Groups
Topic 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with Looking in the Right Places Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While screaming. Open Forum.
Topic 8: Health Watch - Bringing her Flowers is Not Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Topic 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials.
Topic 10: Is it Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly While she Parallel Parks? -- Driving Simulations
Topic 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and Role-playing.
Topic 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Topic 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Topic 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used. Live demonstration.
** Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
This guy went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm having problems with my sex life!"
Doctor: "What do you mean?"
Guy: "Well, I'm just not getting any."
Doctor: "Look out the window then."
Guy: "Oh yeah, I see that convent. Good idea Doctor!"
Doctor: "Yes, but see that patch of mushrooms in front of it?"
The guy looks across and sees a beautiful young nun picking mushrooms.
The doctor then says, "Well, if you go place yourself underneath the mushrooms with only your dick sticking out, you certainly won't regret it."
The next morning, the guy is lying underneath the patch of mushrooms, with his dick sticking out, as the doctor had said, and the most beautiful young nun walks along with a basket.
She starts picking mushrooms, while singing a little song: "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., four..."
The guy cannot believe it; he is enjoying this so much.
That night while down at the pub, he is telling his story to his mates and one of them (who is very drunk) decides to go and try this out for himself.
So, that night he goes down to the convent, and places himself underneath the patch of mushrooms, and leaves his dick sticking out. In the morning, the fattest, most repulsive and butch nun comes along with her basket.
She starts to pick mushrooms, while singing the same song: "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., FOUR little mushrooms for my basket, five little mushrooms for my basket..."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.
Read all jokes from:Sales (+103)
16. Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully
reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
15. Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
14. Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of
Poland.
13. When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of
the Tri- Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing
with yarn.
12. Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets,
and nine suicide bombs.
11. What you thought was "heat" is actually a four- legged goose
step.
10. Well, "somebody" subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
9. Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo"
to be blueprint of the UN Building.
8. Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
7. Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out "Drop the car keys
and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head."
6. Then - dead mice in the kitchen. Now - dead third world
dictators in the basement.
5. Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some
kind of "land mine" technology.
4. Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
3. Has recently been acting somewhat... aloof.
2. What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes
up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Plotting World Domination...
1. Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Feline of Fortune" magazine.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695), Lists (+730)
Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'
During the week, the village pitch is always covered in grazing sheep.
Last week, the groundsman was marking out the boundary when he heard one sheep say to another, 'Well, I've eaten all the grass at extra-cover. I think I'll try over at third man!'
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1015)
Here are some of women's favorite bumper stickers:
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
AND YOUR POINT IS...?
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY... I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE!
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains. "I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick". "You swindler!" shouted the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size!"
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad."
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+693)
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up... you're next!"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664), Men vs. Women (+5688)
Q. How did the Alabama student die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+692)
There are two brunettes and three blondes. They're all drunk.
The brunettes are in the front seat and the blondes are in the back of the truck. Suddenly the truck goes of into the water below the bridge.
The two brunettes quickly open the doors and jump out of the truck. About a minute later the three blondes come up out of the water gasping for air.
One of the two brunettes asked the blondes what took them so long to come up?
And one of the three blondes answer back, "We couldn't get the tailgate open!"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president
had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of
his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his
wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says ' how did things go for you back on earth?' David says, 'not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another 100,000 from the insurance.' 'Great', says St Peter, 'what was it you did while you were alive?' ' Oh I was in Real estate.' 'Good oh, come on in' says the St.
Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. 'yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car's paid for and they should be OK with things. Good oh , come on in.
Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. 'yes well I left my 4th wife, most of my gears in the Cash Converters, cars rooted, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been.' 'Oh well', says St P. 'and which band was it that you played with?'
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
* How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
* Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.
* Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery.
* Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week.
* Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
* Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.
* The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
* I don't have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve.
* Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve.
Read all jokes from:Family (+438)
1. During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts, he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 p.m."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled
and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)
A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662)
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787)
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street, Bernie sees what's happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns it to Rabbi Levine.
"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
Bernie thinks, "I've just been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes into a betting shop and sees in the first race a horse named 'Top Hat' at 20 to 1. He bets
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)
Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test.
First the teacher asks, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Johnny replies, "Legs."
So the teacher asks, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"
"Pockets," Johnny replies.
Finally the teacher asks, "And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
"Rome," is his answer.
With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks, "Well, shall we pass him?"
"Better not ask me," the principal says, "I got the first two wrong!"
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
Five positive reasons to celebrate Passover
* You will get to drink a lot of alcohol: You'll have everyone's total permission to drink four glasses of wine and there could even be 5th glass for you if Elijah doesn't turn up.
* You can save money: I'm almost certain that you haven't given thought to eating last year's unused matzo. But if you do, you can save money by using it. And it won't even taste any different!
* You can get to sing with a loud and clear voice: Did you know that marror is a far better treatment for blocked sinuses than any medicine you can buy in the chemist. So enjoy the marror and later on you can sing Chad Gadya with a voice like an angel!
* You can earn extra money: The extra cash you can get from selling your chometz will comes in handy after the Spring bank holiday.
* You will save on toilet paper: Just think of all the toilet paper you will be able to save by eating matzo for a whole week!
marror: bitter herb, usually grated horseradish
chad gadya: a Passover song
chometz: bread to be removed from the house prior to Passover
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. So she can moan with the other.
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
One day a man and his dog walk into a bar. The owner of the dog says to the bartender "I bet 10 dollars my dog can talk".
The bartender, naturally, accepts.
All of the sudden the dog starts reciting the Gettysburg adress.
So the bartender layes down ten dollars and the dog grabbs it and runs out the door. The owner runs after the dog.
He finds him in a back ally kissing a french poodle.
The owner says to his dog "What are you doing? You've never done that before."
The dog responds: "I've never had ten dollars before."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637), Dog (+335)
Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.
Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)
Benny is nearly 80 years old and goes to his doctor for his yearly medical checkup. His wife Becky comes along with him.
As soon as they enter the doctor's office, the doctor says to Benny, "I need a urine sample and a stool sample."
Benny's hearing was not as good as it used to be, so he looks at Becky and shouts, "What did the doctor say he wanted?"
Becky shouts back, "He wants your underwear."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
You refer to your child as Deduction 214.
You deduct Exlax as "Moving Expenses."
At the movie "Indecent Proposal" you did a NPV calculation.
You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the doubleunderline "=================".
If you have no idea that "GAP" is also a clothing store.
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
A saucer descends upon a shack in a remote southern town. They immediately proceed to corral the already stupefied family and begin to herd them on to an awaiting ship.
The dad, seated in the back can be seen furiously spraying himself with a can labeled "Alien Abduction Protection Spray."
Amused, the two aliens move back toward the man and observe his frantic exercise. After he completely empties the can onto himself, the aliens grab each of his arms and start to escort him to the door.
He starts yelling out, "Hey, you can't abduct me, I'm protected by that there "Abduction repellent!"
The two aliens look at each other and one of them says, "The only thing in that can is deodorant."
They continue to drag him out the door.
"Ha!" says the man. "Ma friend Bubba said that he sprays this on himself every night and he's never been abducted his whole life."
"Well your friend Bubba forgot to tell you to spray BEFORE we find you. You don't think we used our EYES to find rednecks in the middle of the woods at 3 a.m., did you?"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"
Read all jokes from:America US (+264), Dog (+334), Russian (+2)
Moshe went to Edgware cemetery to visit his friend Daniel's grave. When he got there, he was shocked to see that Daniel's new headstone was leaning forward by some 45 degrees and could topple over. So Moshe took some wire from his car, tied one end around the headstone and fastened the other end onto a nearby telephone pole. Then he left.
Some days later, two more of Daniel's friends, Abe and Issy came to visit him. Abe took one look at the grave and said to Issy, "That's just like Daniel. He's only been here a short while and already he's got his own phone."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
THE SHIPWRECKED DOC
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000. and another $500,000. to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000. to each. Last year business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives, and I know they're going to find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)
Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662)
The classically-minded among us may have noted a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen, while the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which translates to: "When the accursed have been confounded, And given over to the bitter flames." Which basically means: "When the accursed have been damned, and sent to Hell."
Go Microsoft!
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
Two Americans, Bob and Jeff, decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village.
Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.
Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him.
The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"
Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a pinata?"
Read all jokes from:Mexican (+6)
One day, Benny the psychiatrist was coming home from work on the underground when he saw an elderly gentleman talking to himself and then laughing aloud. Every so often, the man would put up his hand, stop talking then start all over again. Benny had to find out more.
"Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me asking, but is there anything I can do to help?"
"Thank you but no. To keep me awake, I tell myself jokes when I'm travelling."
"But why do you keep raising your hand?" asked Benny.
"Oh, that's to stop me telling a joke I've heard before."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
* Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
* You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.
* Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Al Gore.
* Teeth and claw marks all over your now- empty bottles of Prozac.
* No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...
* Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.
* Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
* Rides in your car with its head out the window.
* She's a dues- paid, card- carrying member of the Reform Party.
* You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N- E- E- D T- H- E- R- A- P- Y.
* Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.
* Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
* After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto- Puss.
* Sullen and overweight, your sunglasses- wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
* Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
* Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695), Lists (+730)
Rabbi Bloom ran a Talmud class at Yeshiva. He was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up from his books. Often, when he called up a student for translation and explanation, without realizing it, he chose the same student day after day. But out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him.
Hymie had already been called up on three consecutive days when the Rabbi once again said "Hymie Himmelfarb, come up here and translate and explain."
Hymie replied, "Himmelfarb is absent today, Rabbi."
"OK," said the Rabbi, "why don't you come up here and translate and explain instead."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
A man called Moshe is on his deathbed, his three sons are around him.
suddenly he speaks.
"Shimon, are you here?"
Shimon replies, "yes father, i'm by your side"
"and you, Daniel?"
"Yes father, have no fear, i'm here with you" says daniel
"and Avraham, have you come as well"
"yes father, i was always here and always will be."
soothes Avraham
"THEN WHO'S WATCHING THE SHOP?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2426)
A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during
intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.
She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.
After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."
Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours?"
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
Two blondes walk into a building...
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a person must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port- a- potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:
Know that although the cat has the advantages of quickness and utter disregard for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding- glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three- ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high- top construction boots, a pair of steel- mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long- sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles.
Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi- permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
Do *NOT* try to use a blow dryer. You might as well use a vacuum cleaner.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho- ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+694)
In the city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662)
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, "That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has. "Ten boys," she says proudly. "And their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy." The case worker is incredulous. "They're all named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?" "That way, when I want them all to come in from the yard, I just yell 'LEROY!',and when I want them all to come to dinner, I just yell 'LEROY!'" He considers that for a moment, then asks, "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?" "Then I call him by his last name."
Read all jokes from:Arkansas (+102)
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Crap!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were...
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.
Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.
About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!'
The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.
She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
A man walks into a bar.
Bartender asks what'll have.
Man replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.
All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he's talking about.
The man says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".
The man says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"..
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
In each of these examples, the actual name of the college is written first. Then, after each, spoofs are written about each college name.
Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.
Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.
King's College.
Queen's College.
Jack's College (formerly Knave's College).
Ten's College.
Ace's College.
Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.
Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.
University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.
Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.
Argonne National Labs.
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.
Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.
University of Wisconsin - Madison.
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
University of Wisconsin - Stout.
University of Wisconsin - Porter.
University of Wisconsin - Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin - Night Train.
University of Wisconsin - Everclear.
Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.
Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.
George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.
McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.
Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
UnState University.
Out of State University.
McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.
McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.
Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.
Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University.
South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.
BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.
Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.
Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.
Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.
Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.
Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.
Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.
Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.
Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.
Universite' de Montre'al.
Universite' Laval.
Universite' Trudeau.
Universite' Mulroney.
University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.
Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.
Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.
Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.
Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.
Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.
College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.
Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.
Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.
Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.
Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.
Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.
Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.
Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.
Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.
Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.
Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.
Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.
IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.
Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.
Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.
Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.
Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.
Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.
Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.
College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.
Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.
Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.
Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.
Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.
Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.
Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.
Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.
Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.
Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.
Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.
Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.
Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.
Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.
Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs University.
Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.
Read all jokes from:Student (+358)
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4661)
There's 4 people on a plane and one is the smartest man in the world, one's a hippie, ones the president and one is britney spears. the plane is about to crash and there's only three parachutes so the president says, " I think i deserve a parachute, afterall, i am the president." So he takes the parachute and jumps out of the plane. Next Britney Spears says, " I think i should use the next parachute afterall, i am britney spears." so she jumped out of the plane. then there was only the hippie and the smartest man. They were debating who should use the next parachute and the hippie said, "i dont think we have to worry about anything like that, britney spears just jumped out with my backpack. and they jumped out of the plane.
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand.
"Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean?"
The little girl replies, "I love you."
The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class.
The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean.
A little white boy raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special."
"Thank you sweetheart", the teacher says.
The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means.
A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, From Us Colored Kids!".
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2426), School (+377)
Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the Pooh!
Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed ... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Read all jokes from:Golf (+379)
Hymie is in Brent Cross shopping centre when he sees someone he knows. It's Estelle, a rather attractive widow, and she's sitting all alone on a bench. So, being both a widower and a bit of a playboy, he walks over to the bench and quietly sits down next to her. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. Then he looks up at her again and then glances down at his watch.
Estelle turns round and sees it's Hymie. "Oh hello Hymie," she says, "is anything the matter? Are you waiting for someone, because you keep on looking at your watch, then at me?"
"Oh no," replies Hymie, "I've just bought one of the world's most advanced watches and I'm testing it out."
Estelle is intrigued. "An advanced watch?" she says. "So whats so special about it, Hymie? Why is it any different to mine?"
"OK, I'll tell you why," replies Hymie. "It's special because it uses Bluetooth waves to talk to me telepathically."
"OK then," says Estelle, "so whats it telling you right now?"
"It's telling me loud and clear," replies Hymie, looking very serious, "that youre not wearing any panties."
"Well it must be broken then," Estelle says, giggling, "because I'm definitely wearing panties!"
At that, Hymie starts to tap on the face of his watch and says, "Oy veh, the watch must be an hour fast."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
- Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.
- Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, MariBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
- Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
- Southern women don't fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies.
- Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than an ACC or SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every week.
- Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot.
- Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit bitching, spend your money and go home.
- No, the state symbol of North Carolina is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is pissing us off too.
- Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
- Don't try to talk with a Southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe.
- Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry ass back home!
- We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
- If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
- Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
- If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
- Do not buy food at the movie store.
- If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
- People walk slower here.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
- The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
- Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
When the air raid siren went off in Tel Aviv, Hannah rushed down the stairs toward the basement of their apartment block. Isaac was much slower so she stopped and shouted back up the stairs, "Come on, Isaac, get moving will you?"
Isaac shouted down to her, "Wait a minute, Hannah. I'm looking for my teeth."
"Never mind your silly teeth, Isaac," Hannah shouted back, "what do you think they'll drop on us – smoked salmon bagels?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk, with assorted things on your head - lampshades, fruit baskets, underwear...
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex- lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time- space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4661)
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber."
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!"
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!"
Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"
The parrot said, "It's the plumber."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
This man had always wanted a horse, so one day he went into the country and found a rancher who sold horses. The rancher, having only one horse to sell, said, "This horse is very different because it grew up in a religous place and to get it to go, you have to say 'Praise the Lord' and to get it to stop, you have to say 'Amen'" So the man said he'd take it.
As he was riding home, he came to a 200- foot drop. In panic, he yelled "Whoa!" but the horse did not stop.
Then he remebered what the rancher told him. "Amen!" he yelled. Thankfully, the horse stopped immediately.
The greatly relieved man, realizing how close he had come to falling over the edge of the drop, looked up at the sky and exclaimed "Praise the Lord!"
Read all jokes from:Horse (+16)
The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline
1. The engine's being held on by duct tape.
2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
3. In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
4. Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
6. As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"
7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
10. You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
For the ultra-rich, I suppose there *is* a down-side to buying things for your pets ...
Paris Hilton went into the most upscale, trendy pet supply store,wanting to buy a red sweater for her dog, Tinkerbell. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.
"I can't do that!" said Paris Hilton. "The sweater is a surprise!"
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+966)
A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem
of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were
planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I
could not help interrupting.
"Why not?" said I. "Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor of
Jewish girls marrying Gentile boys."
"Why?" chorused the women.
And I said, "Because why should the Jewish boys have all the bad
luck?"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
One day, Benny the psychiatrist was coming home from work on the underground when he saw an elderly gentleman talking to himself and then laughing aloud. Every so often, the man would put up his hand, stop talking then start all over again. Benny had to find out more.
"Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me asking, but is there anything I can do to help?"
"Thank you but no. To keep me awake, I tell myself jokes when I'm travelling."
"But why do you keep raising your hand?" asked Benny.
"Oh, that's to stop me telling a joke I've heard before."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go
to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to
him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love
almost every night, we - "
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost
every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love
Tuesday... "
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)
Four elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast in a small cafe in northern Arizona. They were talking about everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good ol' days."
Eventually, the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow sitting next to him and said, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy said.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th anniversary, I'll go down there and get her."
Read all jokes from:Arizona (+117)
Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three
years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.
Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that
I have a lot of trouble swallowing.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
The ball had been knocked out of the stadium into the lane and everybody was out looking for it.
One of the players came across an old tramp, lying in the shade.
'Excuse me' said the Baseballer, 'but have you seen a baseball?'
'No, I haven't,' replied the tramp. 'But I've brought one from home I could sell you!'
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)
A nice young Post Office worker was sorting through her regular mail when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD, c/o Heaven.
Upon opening the envelope, the enclosed letter told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and passed the hat among her work mates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read,
"Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those jerks at the post office!"
Read all jokes from:Family (+438)
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
Read all jokes from:Ohio (+3)
A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice.
So, when construction was complete... the eye doctor's door had a peep hole, the orthopedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door was painted all kinds of crazy colors, and the gynecologist's door was left open... just a crack.
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "Can you name our nation's capital?"
The reply was, "Washington D.C."
When asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"
"That's no ring! That's my wristwatch."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
Rivkah, an elderly lady travelling to London by train, is sitting next to a very distinguished young man reading the Financial Times.
"Excuse me," she says, "can I ask you something personal? Are you Jewish?"
"No, I'm not," replies the man.
A few minutes later, Rivkah asks him, "Please, are you sure you're not Jewish?"
The man replies, "No, I've told you I'm not," and continues to read his paper.
A few minutes later, "Excuse me, are you absolutely sure you're not Jewish?"
At that, the man gets quite frustrated and replies, "All right, yes, if you must know. I am Jewish. Now will you leave me alone?"
Rivkah looks at him and says, "Funny, you don't look Jewish."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
Read all jokes from:Family (+437)
Two old ladies sitting on the porch at the old folks home? One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?
The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.
He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
Q: What do you call a big mean polar bear?
A: Don't call it anything - just RUN!
Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)
The Pope and a stockbroker are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them. When they arrive, they pick the stockbroker up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The Pope is deeply saddened. St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We get Popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a stockbroker!"
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
At a social club fellowship-cum-meeting in India, a band was invited to play. During the meeting the president announced: "Now there will be a collection for charity. Those who volunteer to donate Rs. 50/- please stand." Not a single one responded, so the president called on the band to play the National Anthem. Everybody stood up & the total collection was Rs. 6000/-.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
A man and wife entered a dentist's office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I
don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in
a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as
quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now,
show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open
your mouth and show the dentist which tooth
it is, dear."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
His dick lay in peaceful quiescence,
He longed though for youthful tumescence.
An electric connection,
Sparked a brilliant erection,
That shines with an awesome florescence!
Read all jokes from:Limericks (+567)
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her
delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was
fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
"Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's
Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong
up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was
giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my
Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough,
nine months later, out popped... Baby Ruth!
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a local trooper.
He saunters up, taps on the window with nightstick, and the driver rolls it down. Suddenly, the copper wacks the driver on the head...
The driver squeals, "In the name of God, why'd you do that???"
The trooper says, "Well, you're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
The Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
Trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and sure enough he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper cracks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "For crimminies sake, what was that for???"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger asks, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that 2 miles down the road you're gonna say: 'I wish that jerk would've tried that stuff with me!'"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change
2. Drink a cup of coffee
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle
Money Spent:
$20.00 for oil change,
$1.00 for coffee
Total: $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly's auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly recycle. Dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up mess.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16. Beer
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from Step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30. Drink beer.
31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer
39. Beer
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty little to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail; Get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50.00 Parts,
$25.00 beer,
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands (hey the colors have to match!!!),
$1,000.00 Bail,
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
TOTAL: $1350.00
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
An ugly, but well dressed guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool next to a beautiful woman. After a couple of minutes pass he turns to her and asks, "Would you be willing to go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
She hesitates for a few seconds and then says, "Yes for a million dollars, I sure would."
The man then asks, "Would you go to bed with me for a quarter?"
The woman gets angry and says, "Just what do you think I am?"
"Well," the man says, "we have established that. All we are doing now is haggling over the price."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle- like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step- by- step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that Moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known!
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695)
Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you
like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way
out?"
"No," says Carlos.
Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang
almost to her knees?"
"No," says Carlos.
"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so
mucho grande?"
"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied.
"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing
my wife?"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4812)
A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up but says nothing.
"How old are you?"
"Six," Johnny says.
"Six? When did you start smoking?"
"Right after the first time I got laid."
"Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
A couple of hunters from Prague are out hunting, and an emormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters.
Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly.
The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.
Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear that's closest to them.
"No, not that one," shouts the surviving hunter, "That's the female."
"The Czech is in the male."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
1. A Gentleman Cat always has an immaculate shirtfront and paws at all times.
2. A Gentleman Cat allows no constraint of his person, even loving restraint.
3. A Gentleman Cat does not mew except in extremity. He makes his wishes known and waits.
4. When addressed, a Gentleman Cat does not move a muscle. He looks as if he hadn't heard.
5. When frightened, a Gentleman Cat looks bored.
6. A Gentleman Cat takes no interest in other people's affairs, unless he is directly concerned.
7. A Gentleman Cat approaches food slowly, however hungry he may be, and decides at least three feet away whether it is Good, Fair, Passable, or Unworthy. If Unworthy, he pretends to scratch earth over it.
8. A Gentleman Cat gives thanks for a Worthy meal by licking the plate so clean that a person might think it had been washed.
9. A Gentleman Cat is never hasty when choosing a housekeeper.
10. There is no tenth Commandment.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+694)
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up... you're next!"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
He didn't like my pudding
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard.
Not like his mother used to bake.
I didn't perk the coffee
And I didn't make the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
Like his mother used to do.
As I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
So, I turned around and boxed his ears,
Like his Mother used to do.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she
replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the
difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant! (to be sung).
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!".
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!
Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.
Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (Noddy is children's storybook character)
Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.
Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatologist.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)