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Thursday, April 26, 2012

The rift

By chance, Esther meets her friend Becky in Brent Cross shopping centre. "Well fancy seeing you here," says Esther, "I haven't seen you for at least a year. How's everything?"
"Oh fine... . I suppose," replies Becky.
"What do you mean by 'I suppose'?" asks Esther.
"Well," replies Becky, "my sister Rachel is very ill and is in hospital. I've just come back from visiting her."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear it," says Esther. "Is Rachel the sister who's not been speaking to you for some time?"
"Yes," replies Becky, "she fell out with me some 2 years ago and she hasn't spoken a word to me since."
"So why did you visit her?" asks Esther.
"My sister Rachel is almost impossible to deal with," replies Becky. "When she's broyges, she stays broyges, no matter what. But she's very ill and my son Arnold begged me to go see her, and so I did."
"How did the visit go then?" asks Esther.
"As soon as I walked into her ward, she said to me, "Becky, don't think that coming here automatically changes anything between us. Nevertheless, I want you to know that if I die, youre forgiven for all youve done to me. But, if I get well, please God, then I'll stay broyges with you."

broyges: angry

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Titanic and two jews

There wore two jews on the Titanic. They were named Moshe and Jankele. Both of them survived. In the saving boat, Moshe cried and cried. To be friendly to him Jankele said:
"Why are you crying? The boat wasn't yours."

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The Jewish Olympics

If you read through the list of the events taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah Committee has made some changes. Some of the less-publicised events of particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, include: -
1. Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition. The vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
2. Synchronized Swimming: Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
3. Synchronized Tanning: Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
4. Team Handball: The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two litre bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition.
5. Triathlon: This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon.
6. Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.
7. Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper that balances the Chairman's wife's bank account in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.
8. Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
9. Rings: No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three C's," colour, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three S's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.

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A lawyer is standing in a long

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around and yells at the person behind him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The man behind him says, "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." To that the lawyer replies, "Well, I'm a lawyer, and you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me, do you?"

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The lunch

Abbe Cohen goes to a restaurant every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. Abbe replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."
The next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".
Next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".
The manager is now obsessed with seeing Abbe say that he enjoyed his meal, so he goes to the bakery and orders a 6ft long French loaf. When Abbe comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. Abbe sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup and both halves of the 6ft loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for. When Abbe comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
Abbe replies "It wass goot as usual but I see you are back to giving only 2 slices of bread!"

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A central banker walks into a pizzeria

A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.
When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter get it. There a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
The central banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

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There was a young man in the

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to
remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a
big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that
would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change
the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of
it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we
just make his legs longer?"

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A man calls his stockbroker all anxious

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

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A rather drunk man was walking along

A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right.

After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how in the hell did she do that?"

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The unhappy wife

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

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The blonde's final

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."

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Planning a Will

Issy is seriously ill and decides to write a Will. He calls his brother Jacob, who is a solicitor, to help him. When Jacob arrives at Issy's bedside, Issy says, "Please write this down, Jacob. I give to my son David, $250,000. I give to each of my three daughters, Leah, Rose and Freda, $100,000. And I give to my only grandchild Henry, $50,000."
"Hold on, Issy," says Jacob, "You told me recently that your entire estate doesn't come to more than $50,000."
"Nu?" replies Issy, "So let them work for it like I did."

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Ways Microsoft Would Change the Auto Business

1. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
2. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
3. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years!
5. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.

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The Party

Gary was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. So Gary, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted,
"Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over

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Sour Grapes

This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.

Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, "I told you duck, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck looked startled and leaves.

Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

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Christina Aguilera's Doggy Bag

Christina Aguilera has apparently acquired a new sense of eco-awareness. Known to be a bit of a temperamental diva, Aguilera had a run-in with a glitzy Hollywood restaurant over some leftovers.

The San Francisco Chronicle reports that the singer had finished her meal at a trendy eatery and had requested that the waiter place her uneaten food into a doggie bag. When she was brought the leftover food in a styrofoam box, Christina purportedly blew her cork.

Aguilera was furious that this kind of environmentally-unfriendly material was being used and began to give the waiter a lecture on the evils of the polystyrene plastic.

She allegedly ended up storming out the door leaving her styrofoam doggie box behind.

The Left Coast Report says Christina shouldn't worry too much about the biodegradability of styrofoam. After all, parts of her body may last several thousand years longer than the little plastic food box.

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An old italian couple

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. Aftera while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" "No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband." The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split." To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"

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Q: If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?

Q: If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
A: Their paws.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
A: So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

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Q - How does a guitar player

Q - How does a guitar player show up for practice?

A - Drunk and late......... as usual

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Rachel's blonde roommate had to make an

Rachel's blonde roommate had to make an emergency phone call to home and her pre-paid calling card had expired. Rachel suggested she call collect. The blonde picked up the phone, looked at Rachel bewildered, and asked, "What's the number to 1-800-COLLECT?"

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Medical facts

Issy and Rabbi Samuel were sitting next to each other on the tube train one night. Issy was returning home after another wild leaving party in the City, where he worked, and Rabbi Samuel was going to the Yeshiva to study. They often saw each other on the tube train and not for the first time, Issy smelled of beer, his shirt was stained, and his face was covered in lipstick.
Issy unfolded his Jewish Chronicle and began to read. After a few minutes, he turned to the Rabbi and asked, "What causes arthritis, Rabbi?"
Rabbi Samuel replied, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, uninhibited women, drinking too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Really?" replied Issy, "It says here in my paper that the well known Rabbi Jacobs has a very bad case of arthritis."

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Aviation rules and reminders

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back...then they get bigger again.

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.

* It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.

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New performance

Moshe had a happy marriage for 25 years.
For the 25th aniversary they have decided to go to the same place they had their first sex and do it like they did it the first time.
So, they went to the same forest next to the city and found the same hidden place they had sex 25 years ago.
After all the action was over Moshe said:
- Listen,dear, we've had sex with you for 25 years but such a performance like today you have never done before. Such good movement, so nice twisting...
- Oh - the wife said - if you had on your bottom the nettles I had today you'd twist too!

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Smart Dog

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

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Picking tobacco on Inauguration day

Calvin Coolidge's anecdote about what his son was doing when he was inaugurated President

President Calvin Coolidge told the anecdote about his son, Calvin. "He was working in a tobacco field the day I was made President. Some of the boys said: 'If my father were President, I wouldn't be working in a tobacco field in the Connecticut Valley!' Calvin said: 'If my father were your father you would!'"

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Adult Limericks

Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallis.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small.
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.

There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you'd guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
"Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you."

A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
"The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson."

Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night,"

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An old Italian man lived alone in

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult because the ground was hard. On top of that, his only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The man sent a letter to his son describing his predicament.
"Dear Vincent: I'm feeling pretty badly because I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm getting too old to dig up a garden plot all by myself. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over because you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad"

A few days later, he received a letter from his son: "Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie"

At 4:00 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and the local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized profusely to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son:

"Dear Dad, go ahead and plant your tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie."

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You know you grew up Jewish when

You know you grew up Jewish when...

* You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef brisket".
* Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
* Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.
* You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
* You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
* You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
* Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.
* You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
* You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.
* You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
* You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout, "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.
* You have at least six male relatives named David.
* You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie.
* You thought that speaking loud was normal.

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Johnny Maths

Little Johnny was going to a public school and he was doing very badly in maths. So his mother decided to put him into a Catholic school. When she got his report card at the end of the term, his marks in maths had improved tremendously.
So she asked him why. He replied "When I saw that naked guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business"!!

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The hunting trip

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant... much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

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Two storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new Mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

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Diary of a successful new bride-cook

Dear Diary,

Monday

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing". So I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday

Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my moms. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday

Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday

Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Monday

I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk.

Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.

Love,
Pam

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Ranking kredytów hipotecznych-tanie kredyty

Jak wszystkim wiadomo, praktycznie nie istnieje taka usługa finansowa, jaka byłaby rzeczywiście kapitalnym i najkorzystniejszym wyjściem w absolutnie każdej sytuacji. Nawet tak atrakcyjne i cenione w tym momencie rzeczy jak różnego modelu kredyty bez BIK powinny być zaciągane z pewną rozwagą oraz odpowiednią wiedzą na temat całej ich charakterystyki, ponieważ w przeciwnym wypadku można jedynie więcej na nich stracić, aniżeli zdobyć.


Kredyty gotówkowe bez BIK sprawdzają się najkorzystniej w okoliczności, kiedy to zmagamy się z jakimikolwiek kłopotami finansowymi powodującymi u nas brak należytej zdolności kredytowej. Oprócz tego charakteryzują się one po prostu dużą prostotą, dzięki czemu winni się nimi zainteresować też i osoby potrzebujące szybkiej pożyczki i nie mające czasu lub ochoty na zajmowanie się wieloma zbyt trudnymi formalnościami. Warto jest jednak stwierdzić, iż z drugiej strony kredyty bez BIK dostarczają nam jedynie nieco mniejsze środki pieniężne, stąd gdy interesują nas naprawdę poważne kredyty, to właściwie nie są one adekwatnym dla nas założeniem.



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One day, little Billy comes home from

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not
finding his mother in the
kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door,
and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for
lunch, stripped naked,
on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to
traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Billy watches, and after a
couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son,
we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his
mother starts
moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is
where me and the
mailman usually falls off!"

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Honeymoon Cruise

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things - condoms and dramamine, since the man gets terrible motion sickness on ships.
So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise, and the man goes in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the counter with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.
The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"

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A cut above the rest

Emanuel the mohel comes home early in a nervous state. His hands are shaking violently. He has just performed a circumcision on an elderly man and although it went well he is worried that one day it just might happen that things could really go wrong. He now thinks he should take out some professional insurance and calls Monty, who is an insurance broker.
"Monty," says Emanuel, "I need some malpractice cover designed for mohels."
"This Ive never heard before," says Monty, "but give me a day to investigate."
Next day, Monty calls back, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
"So give me the good news first," says Emanuel.
"No regular insurance company will offer you such insurance. But Lloyds of London will insure you for up to $1M at a premium of $500 per year."
"Nu, and the bad news?" asks Emanuel.
"Theres a two inch deductible."

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Two pigeons were talking as they stood

Two pigeons were talking as they stood on the boundary watching the game. 'Now here's what we do,' 'We wait till the bowler runs up and bowls, and then, as the batsman hits it, we suddenly fly up over the stand. It gets the crowd every time!'

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Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?

A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair...and O.J walked!

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Moshe's mother

Moshe's mother, Hette, once gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, Hette said, "What's the matter, Moshe? You didn't like the other one?"

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Q: Do Alaskans Tan?

Q: Do Alaskans Tan?

A: No we just thaw.

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Never Go Hunting with a Redneck

Two men from West Virginia went hunting. They were named Billy and Jimmy. Billy said to Jimmy, "Shoot at any deer that moves."
They both went to different tree stands. Well, Billy forgot his smokes and went to ask Jimmy for a cigarette. When Billy started going over to Jimmy, Jimmy shot him.
Jimmy took him to the hospital and the doctor comes out. Jimmy asks, "Will he be O.K. Doc?"
The doctor said, "Sure, if you hadn't field dressed him in the woods."

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Sprzedaż mieszkania z kredytem hipotecznym-ranking kredyt gotówkowy

Jest to zapewne raczej jasne, iż najróżniejsze produkty kredytowe jakie otwarte są na współczesnym rynku finansowym w znacznym stopniu muszą różnić się od tych, z jakich mogliśmy korzystać jeszcze paręnaście lat temu. W końcu jest to specjalizacja, która kształtuje się w niesamowicie wręcz szybkim tempie, dzięki czemu w rzeczywistości non stop pokazują się w niej całkiem nowe, nieznane przedtem rzeczy.


Na szczególną uwagę zasługują przede wszystkim najróżniejsze kredyty bez BIK, które aktualnie są na rynku już od dobrych paru lat, i praktycznie od samego początku swojego zaistnienia cieszą się istotnie wielką popularnością. Kluczową ich zaletą jest przede wszystkim brak jakichkolwiek konkretnych wymagań stawianych przed pożyczkobiorcami – wystarczy wyłącznie przedstawić zwykły dowód tożsamości, aby otrzymać pożyczkę. Z pewnością, nie zdobędziemy za ich pomocą żadnych większych sum, ale jeżeli jesteśmy akurat w trudnej sytuacji finansowej, to i tak może to być dla nas nieoceniona pomoc pienięzna.


Bez wątpienia, kredyty bez BIK są tylko przykładem tego, jak sporo zachęcających rzeczy pojawiło się na rynku pieniężnym w ostatnich latach.



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Dear ________, I regret to inform

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my
personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour
hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten
up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying
to
kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
u
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
___________

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Dictionary

The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it
New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Q: What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?

Q: What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A: George Michael's latest release.

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Jigsaw Puzzle

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.

She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

The blonde frowns.

He continues, "Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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Buying Gifts for Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can neve have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule 3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule 4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule 5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule 6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule 7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule 8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule 9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule 10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule 11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule 12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule 13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule 14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule 15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

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Ode to Arizona

The Devil wanted a place on earth.
Sort of a summer home:
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Arizona.
A place both wretched and rough.
Here the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys were hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
and ordered no rain to fall:
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren desert
He transplanted shrubs from Hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear --
The climate suited them well.

Now, the home was much to his liking.
But animal life, he had none:
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake.
With its forked poisonous tongue:
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow its young.

Then he made Scorpions and Lizards
And the ugly old Horned Toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter.
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old Horned Toad looked ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom.
As any creator would:
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his wearthy brow.
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted
"I did my job too well.
I'm going back where I came from
Arizona is hotter than Hell!"

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Here are "Love & Marriage" as seen

Here are "Love & Marriage" as seen through the eyes of our kids!

How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
Kally, age 9

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10


What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?

"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8


What is the Proper Age to Get Married?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!"
Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!"
Freddie, age 6


How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8


What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10


When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"When they're rich!"
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8


What Would You Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9


The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ... I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!"
Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
Anita, age 9

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10


What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?

"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins ... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"
Craig, age 9


What Promises Do a Man and a Woman MakeWhen They Get Married?

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together."
Marlon, age 10


How to Make a Marriage Work?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"
Ricky, age 7


How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

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A roll of quarters

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans.

He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch.

"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

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The fax

A guy is sitting in a bar talking to his hand. The bartender asks him what he's doing and the guy says, "I'm using the telephone."

The bartender looks at him as if he's crazy and says, "No, you aren't, you are just talking in your hand."

The guy says, "No, I really am having a phone conversation-I had a micro chip and transmitter installed in my hand last week."

The bartender shrugs and goes about his business. A few minutes later the guy disappears into the bathroom and he's gone about forty-five minutes. The bartender starts to get worried so he goes into the men's room to see if the guy is okay. When he gets there, he finds the guy standing in the middle of the bathroom with both hands in the air, his pants down around his ankles and a roll of toilet paper stuck in his butt crack. The bartender is flabbergasted and so he asks, "What are you doing now?"

The guy replies, "I'm waiting for a fax."

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What's the difference between a pig and

What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?

There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

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The donkeys

Over near England is a very little island, called the Isle of Man, and a very peculiar thing about the people, on this island is, that they don't believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they can't keep horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly called an ass.

Some have just ordinary asses that you wouldn't look at twice, others have extraordinary asses. The mayor has an ass that nobody looks at twice, but his wife has a beautiful ass. People who really know asses say that she has one of the finest asses that they have ever seen. Men often stop her on the way to the market to pat her ass.

On Sunday they all go to church on their asses. Sometimes the girls ride the boys asses and sometimes the boys ride the girls asses.

Now of this particular Sunday the preacher had to leave immediately following the sermon so he thought he better have it handy, so he tied his ass just outside the window. During the service a fire broke our and everyone ran to save his ass. The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but there was a big hole and he fell into it - Which goes to show that even a preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

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Magic trick

Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?"

Second guy says, "Sure."

"OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees."

Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours.

"There," says the first one, "... does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?"

"Yes!"

The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!"

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Women's Compact Instruction Book

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon - why can't they put them all there?
Tell him you are not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your mans mind wander - it is too little to be let out alone.
Go for younger men - you might as well, they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the Do It Yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
A mans idea of serious commitment is usually 'oh alright, I'll stay the night.'
Sadly, all men are created equal.
Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of 'former boyfriend.'
There are lots of words to describe men - strong, caring, loving -they'd be wrong but you can still use them.

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Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

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Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen

Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the
largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen
bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits.
Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside... Madam, PLEASE
don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too
late; George, dig her out."

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Graduation Day

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Tom Cruise: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger'

Katie Holmes: Because I married the wrong man

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Q: How is cat food sold?

Q: How is cat food sold?
A: Usually purr can!

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Little Johnny's mother decided to give her

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

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Ways the Bible would be different if written by college students

* The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

* The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

* New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

* Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

* Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

* Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

* The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

* Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

* Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

* Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

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Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally - occurring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel - letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Congenital - friendly
DC - where Washington is
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - non-Jewish
G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - damn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited

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My Paw

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and siddles up to the bar and announces:

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

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Good Deeds

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment, Gabriel confirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, confirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

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I Don't Remember

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.

"The food and service were great!" he said.

His friend asked, "What's the name of the place?"

"Gee, I don't remember," he said, "What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?"

"You mean a rose?" asked his friend.

"That's it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"

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Cocky roach

Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rank. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

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Three altar boys are standing in the

Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around
their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys!
Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your
penis' away."

The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't
worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple
cold ones after work... "

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Monday, April 23, 2012

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.

The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice... "

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Snippets From British Newspapers

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbormaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

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One sunny day in Ireland

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."

So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"

The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"

"I'm from Dublin" came the reply.

"Me too! What street do you live on?"

"McCarthy street"

The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"

"162" the first man replies.

"Me too! What are your parents names?"

"Connor and Shannon"

The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?"

"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."

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Not enough

Sadie is arrested for shop lifting. During her trial, which her husband Sidney attends, the judge asks her, "How old are you?"
"I'm 60, your Honor," replies Sadie.
"And what did you steal?" he asks.
Sadie replies, "A tin of peaches, your Honor."
"Why did you steal this tin?" asks the judge.
"Because I was hungry," replies Sadie.
The judge then asks, "And how many peaches were in the tin?"
"Five," replies Sadie.
The judge then says, "OK, I think five days in jail would be appropriate."
But before the judge can pronounce sentence, Sidney suddenly stands up and asks him, "Is it OK to give the court some more information?"
The judge replies, "Yes, I suppose so, if you're brief. What is it?"
Sidney replies, "She also stole a can of peas."

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This man went to the doctor because

This man went to the doctor because he had a problem. The doctor asked him what was wrong and the man said his dick was orange. So the doctor ran all the normal tests on him to see what was wrong. The doctor did not find any thing wrong with the man so the doctor asked the man if he lived next to a waste dump.
The man said "NO".
Then the doctor asked him if he handled any toxic chemicals at work.
Again the man said "NO that he didn't have a job".
So the doctor asked him what he did all day long and the man said "I just sit around, watch Playboy Channel, and Eat CHEETOS."

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But Officer...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

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Men Bashing

Men are like department stores... their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

Men are like chocolate bars... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

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Climbing the Alps

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.

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The software engineering field is staffed primarily

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... a little strange.

While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

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Reviving their marriage

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)


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The Cold War

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling.
About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.
Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.
Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home."
One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, "See? It's like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!"

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Keeping myself pure

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)


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What is the difference between an Italian

What is the difference between an Italian prostitue and her mother?
About 15 Euros.

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Not Wearing Underwear?

Couple drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)


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Jesus is Watching You

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."

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Tuba Player: Did you hear my last

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?

Friend: I hope so.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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The Top Don'ts At The Office Christmas Party

1. Don't go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he's fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.

2. Don't put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.

3. Don't offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.

4. Don't call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.

5. Don't chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.

6. Don't tell your boss that you're the one that runs the company.

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His/her directions

HER DIRECTIONS:

80....(SF)....just after the weight station near Cordelia (I think) will be an exit for 14...Sonoma and Napa....take it.....follow it all the way through.....till you end up in Fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint I think it is....I don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy....go through the signal...go over the bridge thing....then when you get to the next signal....make a left to go to Death Valley.... you'll be on Carneros Hwy....then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right.....VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till you see a buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal thingamajigs....there will be a stop sign...you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln ...well...turn right....follow that to the end....its kinda a long way....you will hit old Bluewood Hwy....turn right on old Bluewood.....follow it down...past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right) which is in Cotati....stay on this road and just get on the freeway....you will pass an exit....then just get off at Wilfred Ave....just off the offramp there is a signal....turnl eft...then go straight through the next one and under the overpass....go straight.....you will see Pep Boys straight in front of you. You can chill there if you want or go to Wal Mart which you can't miss....it's in the same parking lot with Home Depot and Arby's.

HIS DIRECTIONS:

80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old Bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancster
RT Lassen St

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Billy Bob Died

A older woman down south goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is properly written. (She had always been known for her accuracy to details, second only to her famous sense of thrift.) Only his beloved pickup truck remained to remind her of his presence.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died."
Although amused at the woman's cleverness, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
This causes her to become only a little flustered, so she thinks things over for a few seconds. "In that case," she says, "let it read, 'Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale.'"

Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+598), Redneck (+1460)


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A bikini is the closest thing to

A bikini is the closest thing to a barbed-wire fence...it protects the property without obstructing any of the view.

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)


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A divorce is like an amputation; you

A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there's less of you.

Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787)


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The Bitch

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

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Airplane Hijinx

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"

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Sunday, April 22, 2012

Your Time is Short

Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.
Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
You're just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.

I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"
Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well, here in America, we stand by our brothers.

As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishing.
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever; Your death has become our next endeavor.

What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.

Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.
We'll band together and fill the holes;
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.

But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue!
So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to kick your ass!!!

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Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?

Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week.

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The Cat And the Milkman

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

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The Creation of Dogs

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth
(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

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It's all OK

David and his friend Paul were talking.
David says, "You and I use the same call girl and I've discovered she is charging you, an accountant, twice as much as she charges me. Aren't you angry?"
"No", replies Paul, "I use the double entry system."

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Par for the course

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband replies, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you dong?" she says.

The husband replies, "I'm still hungry so I was going to order room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"NO! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

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Mickey Mouse Outfit

It was a very tight Christmas for one family. The father told his small son that he could only have one small gift. The little boy said, "I want a Mickey Mouse hat." That year he got the hat he wanted.

The next year was again very bad and the child was told that he could only choose one gift. The little boy said, "I want a Mickey Mouse shirt." He got the shirt.

The third year was much better. The father told his son that Christmas that he could have whatever he wanted. The excited little boy shouted, "I want a Mickey Mouse outfit."

So his dad bought him the Arizona Cardinals.

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The prescription

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"

The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)


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Irish Declare War On France

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

Read all jokes from:Irish (+51), Travel (+295)


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I Want My FTP

(Sung to the tune of "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits)

I want my
I want my
I want my FTP.

Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it
You get the files from the FTP
That ain't programming, that's the way you do it
Programs for nothing and the code is free
Now that ain't programming, that's the way you do it
Let me tell you those guys aren't pissed
Maybe break a nail on your little finger,
Maybe get some numbness in your wrist.

We've got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We've got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.

See the little user with his gifs and the jpegs
Yeah buddy he's got root
That little user got his own workstation
That little user got his own disk to boot.

We've got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We've got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.

I should've learned to run xarchie
I should've learned to play them games
Look at that mama, her gif is sticking in the monitor
Man we could have some fun
And he's up there, what's that? Orgasm noises?
Playing sound files like a grade-school geek
That ain't programming that's the way you do it
Get your programs for nothing get your code for free.

We've got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We've got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.

Now that ain't programming, that's the way you do it
You get your programs from the FTP
That ain't programming that's the way you do it
Programs for nothing and your code for free
Programs for nothing and code for free.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)


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Ooops

Mervyn and Kitty are sitting in an expensive kosher restaurant in Golders Green enjoying their salt beef and latkes when Mervyn notices Kitty staring at a man at the next table. The man looks decidedly drunk, so Mervyn asks Kitty, "Youve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes," she replies, "hes my ex-husband."
"Has he always been a heavy drinker?" Mervyn asks.
"No, not always," Kitty replies, "but he's been drinking like that ever since I left him six years ago."
"Thats remarkable," says Mervyn, "I didnt think anybody could celebrate that long."
Kitty hasn't spoken to Mervyn since.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)


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