The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Dow Jones was unchanged and they called it a rally.
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1217)
Saturday, March 31, 2012
The stock market was in a terrible
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
6. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
10. No toes.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
Q. What do you get when you
Q. What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room?
A. A full set of teeth.
Read all jokes from:Alabama (+375)
Such Devotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.
"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+786)
On a promise...
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."
The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!"
The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be, when I finally get it..."
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)
You Know You're in Maine if:
* You own more than four pair of gloves.
* every other vehicle is a 4X4.
* camping is allowed it's only in steel sided campers.
* when the sun goes down, you start looking for your coat.
* in March your vehicle is 43% mud.
* You leave your keys in your car and the next morning your car is still there.
* You're on the shoulder of the highway with your hood up and somebody stops to help you.
* You can pay for six big macs with a personal check.
* drive by shootings only occur on the evening news.
* Your central heating system is fueled by large logs.
* You see numerous chauffeur-driven dogs.
* You can see the stars at night.
* people drive 100 miles to shop in a real mall.
* a deer throws itself under your wheels.
* You got a set of new snow tires for Valentines day.
* more than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.
* the term "chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.
* the bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
* You only paid $5 to cut down your own douglas fir christmas tree.
* You enjoy a hot chocolate more than you do a margarita.
* a girls basketball game fill's the school gym.
* You put the car heater on your list of best friends.
* You pawned a snow blower instead of a set of golf clubs.
* dressing up means wearing a tie with your flannel shirt.
* You think you're in a traffic jam when you're in the second car at the light.
* You don't use your blinker because everyone already knows where you're going.
* Your long john's don't come off until mid-May!
Read all jokes from:Maine (+24)
An old man goes to the Wizard
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)
The champagne
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants."
Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
The first woman recruit in the Army
The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.
Read all jokes from:Military (+607)
Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
Playtime learning
4-year-old Moshe is playing in his garden with his friend Mary. They're splashing around in his paddling pool and quickly get thoroughly soaked, so they decide to take off their wet clothes. Moshe looks at little Mary, then looks down at himself, and then says, "Oy, I just didnt realise there was so much difference between Catholics and Jews."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
When asked what he thought about the
When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency: "This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle."
Read all jokes from:Military (+606)
So the elephant says to the naked
So the elephant says to the naked man . . .
"You breathe through that little thing?"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
Progressive discussion
Rabbis Levy, Samuel and Kosiner were 'progressive' reform rabbis and were talking one day about the recent advances made by their synagogues. Rabbi Levy said, "we're very modern - we allow mobile phones to be used during services - we even have re-charging points all over the synagogue."
"Well," said Rabbi Samuel," we've installed a snack bar at the back of the synagogue for those who feel hungry or thirsty during services - we serve falafel in pitta and hot salt beef with latkes and new green cucumbers."
"That's nothing to what we do, my friends," said Rabbi Kosiner, "we close our synagogue for the Jewish holidays."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
A fishing lure
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)
Serenity prayer for the online addict
God, grant me the serenity to accept a server I cannot change,
Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on when I'm running late,
And the wisdom to know the difference between
"Come to bed now" (meaning "Let's have some fun!")
and "Come to bed NOW!" (meaning "That computer has got to GO"!)
Amen
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)
Q: What are the two most important things a Jewish mother needs to know about sex and marriage?
Q: What are the two most important things a Jewish mother needs to know about sex and marriage?
A: Who is having sex? Why aren't they married already?
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
In the hospital ward
Ben was in a hospital ward with two non-Jews. On his first morning, Ben puts on his tefillin, but the non-Jews can't figure out what he is doing. Finally, one says to the other, "Look how smart those Jews are! He's taking his own blood pressure.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
The Tax Man
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned
to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way "What
about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with
an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo
balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the
circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered
the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to
the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
It's All Relative
Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was incarcerated in the state prison.
The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."
The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week.
"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
Blame
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is. So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, okay?
Read all jokes from:Lists (+729)
Astrological condoms
SCORPIO: Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught. Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
SAGITTARIUS: Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases. Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.
CAPRICORN: Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long. With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.
AQUARIUS: Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign, and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation. With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.
PISCES: Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside. Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.
ARIES: Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.
TAURUS: Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale. Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.
GEMINI: Gemini's are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order. Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.
CANCER: Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history known a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections. Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for a Cancer condom.
LEO: Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.
VIRGO: Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clean. Virgos tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual. Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloweration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.
LIBRA: Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
The Top 10 Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School
1. To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.
2. To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald's manager uses daily.
3. No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.
4. After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.
5. So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.
6. Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.
7. Easier to run escort service out of home when they're not around.
8. To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!
9. To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).
Read all jokes from:Lists (+728)
Oy Monica
Before Monica Lewinsky retained her role as an intern to the White House, she attended collage at Harvard.
Once day, Monica told her roommate that she had to pack up to go home for Yom Kippur. Her roommmate asked her what the holiday ment and Monica explained. Her roommmate asked her, " it seems kinda boring, why are you so excited?"
Monica replied, "i get to blow the shofer!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
Friday, March 30, 2012
This exchange was overheard between the separated
This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have."
The female response was: "Well, spit it out. It isn't yours!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
True story from Orange County, California:
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.
This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Confession
Miriam and Sadie are lying on their sunbeds. Sadie turns to Miriam and says "I can't keep it a secret any longer, I'm having an affair".
Miriam nods. "So who's doing the catering?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
"I can't find a cause for your
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664), Medical (+1843)
The Blonde and the Sheepherder
Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all being the butt of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make over, so she dyed her hair brown.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheepherder over."That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well, thank you," said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"Okay," replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman.
"Sure," said the sheepherder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382."
"Wow!" said the herder, "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman picked one out and put it in her car.
Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."
"Oh?" queried the woman, "what is it?"
"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
Telling off the Dean
Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.
"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"
Read all jokes from:College (+414)
Mathematics of a Jewish relationship Wise
Mathematics of a Jewish relationship
Wise man + Wise woman = Romance
Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair
Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage
Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6993)
These two rednecks go hunting one afternoon
These two rednecks go hunting one afternoon. While they are out, one of them all of a sudden falls over and quits breathing. The other redneck pulls out his cellphone and calls 911. He says, "O my gosh, my friend Bubba just fell down on the ground and quit breathin. I think he might be dead." Well, the 911 employee says "Make sure he's dead." The redneck says "Okay, give me a second." All of a sudden, they hear a loud bang. The redneck picks the phone back up and says "Yup, he's dead alrite."
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
The Hotel Bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Read all jokes from:Business (+60)
signs on shul bulletin boards
* Under same management for over 5766 years.
* Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush, come to shul this shabbes.
* Dont give up. Even Moses was once a basket case.
* Come early for a good seat.
* What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" dont you understand?
* Cant sleep? Try counting your blessings.
* To belittle is to be little.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6992)
Teacher: What's 2 and 2 Pupil: 4
Teacher: What's 2 and 2
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!
Read all jokes from:School (+377)
Standardized Guide to the Bases
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?
"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to
second base!"
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a
person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
- First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy
I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.
- Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.
- Third Bas e- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.
- Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado...
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
- On Deck- Having plans for a date
- Strike-Out- Duh!!
- Walk- Kissing
- Bunt- Masturbation
- Single- Tongue kissing
- Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
- Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
- Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
- Home Run- SEX!
- Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
- Error- Condom breaks during sex
- Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
- Hall of Fame- Marriage
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
- Balk- Premature ejaculation
- Pine Tar- KY jelly
- Relief pitcher- Vibrator
- Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
- Box Seats- Waterbed
- Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
- Rookie- Virgin
- Minor Leagues- Under 18
- Loaded Bases- manage a trois
- Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
- Foul tip- VD
- Three up and three down- impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast
the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in
a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot of
the confusion and helps you out.
I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America's favorite pastime!
Rule 2.
Section3.
The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point not specifically covered in the rules.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
Spell Checker - poem
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)
So corny, it hurts!
Man: Doctor, me leg keeps talkin' to me.
Doc: Don't be ridiculous!
Leg: Lend us a fiver!
Man: Told ya.
Leg: Giz a tenner!
Doc: My God!
Leg: Eh
Doc, can you spare 20 quid?
Doc: I know your problem. Your leg's broke!
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
The bases
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure.
Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...Standardized Guide to the Bases!
On Deck - Having plans for a date
Strike-Out - Duh!!
Walk - Kissing
Bunt - Masturbation
Single - Tongue kissing
Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
Home Run - SEX!
Ground Rule Double - Would have sex, but no condom
Error - Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling - Sex without condom
Hall of Fame - Marriage
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
Balk - Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar - KY jelly
Relief pitcher - Vibrator
Rain Delay - Parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
Box Seats - Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
Rookie - Virgin
Minor Leagues - Under 18
Loaded Bases - Manages a trio
Grand Slam - Sex four times in twelve hours
Foul tip - VD
Three up and three down - Impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out...
Read all jokes from:Baseball (+51)
A husband and wife were in their
A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her
expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big.almost as
big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he
followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife
retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape
measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas
grill!"
Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on
his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"
Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little
weiner!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
Fishing
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.
Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
Read all jokes from:Drunk (+137)
A confession
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
You might be a yankee if...
You don't know kudzu from kung fu.
You enjoy living in filth.
The only kind of grass you've seen is the kind you smoke.
You prefer Bruce Springsteen to Bocephus.
The thought of eating scrapple doesn't turn your stomach.
You talk real fast and charm real slow.
You think smog is a sky color.
You think all cars are yellow and have a light on top.
You think barbecue is a verb, not a noun.
Your momma spends more time in hockey locker rooms than your father's bedroom.
You think okra is a talk show host.
You can be surrounded by crime and "didn't see a thing!!"
You didn't know chickens laid eggs and cows produced milk.
You waste large amounts of money on a date, when all you had to do was ask.
You think Skoal is a form of punishment.
You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You've never, ever, eaten okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
You don't know what applique is.
You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)
You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
You've never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can't do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Marriage research
Isaac has been quietly perusing a document for some time and his wife Rose is getting curious. So she asks him, "Nu, so what are you reading, Isaac?"
"Our ketubah," he replies.
"But you've been staring at it now for nearly an hour," she says.
"I know," Isaac replies. "I'm looking for something."
"So what are you looking for, Isaac?" asks Rose.
"An expiry date," he replies.
ketubah: Jewish marriage certificate
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
A couple goes to a masquerade party
A couple goes to a masquerade party dressed as a cow. He's in front, she's in back. The party gets a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for a little walk. As they're going across a pasture, they hear, "Snort! Snort!"
The wife says, "Bobby! There's a bull over there, and I think he's gonna charge! What are we gonna do?"
The husband says, "Well, I'm gonna eat some grass -- you'd better brace yourself."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
My wife and I took out life
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other... So now it's just a waiting game.
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787)
Shipping to Overseas Market Through Professional Network of Cargo Services
Delivery of goods to offshore needs commitment and high standards of service. International shipping requires a wide network of overseas staff and machinery. The cargo services make shipping to overseas a hassle free process and assist you at every step. Beginning from paper work to delivery of the shipment, trained and professional staffs help you at every procedural step. The freight forwarding companies work constantly towards betterment of services and damage free shipment.
When you send any goods across international boundaries, you need to finish certain legal formalities so that your shipment passes safely through customs check. The trained staff comes into picture right from the packaging of the goods till it is shifted to a container and shipped. As many international shipping companies are available in market, rates are competitive and services are great. Anything from Air freight to shipping to overseas consignment reaches the specified address as network is vast and quick. Trained staff is spread all across the globe for speedy delivery of goods. The consignment tracking system is carved out of the state of the art technology and one can check the status of the shipment online on service provider's website. The international shipping services provide time bound and reliable door to port and port to door service. The domestic services are equally competent, akin to international shipments and you can hire a local agent for all your cargo shipping queries.
Shipping to overseas destinations requires modern shipping techniques. Constant up gradation of tracking, weighing and delivery systems are done for better client servicing. Packaging, pick up, storage and delivery are carried out by trained staff. If you are planning to book any consignment, search online for shipping companies and reach your local shipping agent. The agent acts as link between the customer and shipping services and gives you complete knowledge on freight, packaging, pick up points and Customs Brokerage. The rates of shipment depend on the quantity and category of goods that are shipped, household shipments will be charged differently than commercial ones. The types of containers that are used for shipment are multipurpose vessels, dry containers, tankers and general cargo vessel; these containers are available in different sizes too. If you have to ship less quantity of goods, you can opt for freight consolidation packaging and save costs.
Cargo Shipping is spread across the globe and ships travel across all seas for shipment of materials. Many local companies have expanded their business Trans-nation due to affordable and customer centric international shipping services. The weighing systems are automatic and leave no chance for any type of measurement mistake; every cargo, whether small or large, holds same importance for international shipping companies. If you are planning to send certain chemicals, garments or other materials through the shipping, goods are packaged in specialized cargo vessels that suit your requirements. of petroleum or related products are done in Tankers with utmost care and security system. Special service packages are offered for special goods and they make your consignment reach safely.
If Tyson gets banned for life, he
If Tyson gets banned for life, he could always become a barber. Think about it: You could walk into his shop and say, "Hey, Mike! Could you take a little off the ears?"
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)
Boys & Girls Are Not The Same!
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
Thursday, March 29, 2012
How to get a life
It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:
Let go of the mouse.
Turn off the computer.
Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
Eat something other than taco chips.
Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.
Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.
Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.
When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.
If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.
Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.
Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)
Hoorah for Dennis Miller!!
He said recently on his show, regarding the judges who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional! Therefore you have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean (expletive)!"
Read all jokes from:America US (+264)
A well-dressed business man was walking down
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said Little Johnny. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.
"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"
"So what's your hurry?" said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
How do you get a violist to
How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
So You Think You're Computer-Illiterate?
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton.
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)
You know Greenspan's been around Sooooo long
You know Greenspan's been around Sooooo long he remembers the tulip bubble!
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
I tried to follow my doctor's advice
I tried to follow my doctor's advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing gum instead - but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn't light.
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)
If it is dry - add moist;
If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
Women's Compact Instruction Book
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon - why can't they put them all there?
Tell him you are not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your mans mind wander - it is too little to be let out alone.
Go for younger men - you might as well, they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the Do It Yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
A mans idea of serious commitment is usually 'oh alright, I'll stay the night.'
Sadly, all men are created equal.
Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of 'former boyfriend.'
There are lots of words to describe men - strong, caring, loving -they'd be wrong but you can still use them.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
Pamela Anderson's Sex Laws
One of the sexiest stars in Hollywood Pamela Anderson created some of her own so called " Pamela's Sex Laws "
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night ' Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery'..unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired ' or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. 'This won't hurt, I promise,'
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
A college student picked up his date
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
This guy wakes up one morning to
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he
finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua,
a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla
with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross
his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
Q: What are the two most important things a Jewish mother needs to know about sex and marriage?
Q: What are the two most important things a Jewish mother needs to know about sex and marriage?
A: Who is having sex? Why aren't they married already?
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)
One day a man and his dog
One day a man and his dog walk into a bar. The owner of the
dog says to the bartender "I bet 10 dollars my dog can talk".
The bartender, naturally, accepts.
All of the sudden the dog starts reciting the Gettysburg adress.
So the bartender layes down ten dollars and the dog grabbs it
and runs out the door. The owner runs after the dog. He finds him
in a back ally (kissing) a french poodle. The owner says to his
dog "What are you doing? You've never done that before."
The dog responds: "I've never had ten dollars before."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
The Night Before a Redneck Christmas
It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung
over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.
The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.
And Earlene in her curlers
and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.
Then out in the vacant lot
I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner
and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole Blue.
The moon was shinin down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin'
like rusty old stars.
And I couldn't believe
by own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
come flyin' through the sky!
Faster'n Ole Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered
and called 'em by name:
"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and Bud!"
"To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"
You know how on our old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the sky?
That's how this crew
went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums of his'n.
I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!
He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit
he still had most of his teeth.
Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
When he winked his eye
I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo tonight!
I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.
He topped off our stockin's
with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent
like Spam in your pocket.
He jumped in his pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with their possum tails flyin'.
But I heerd him holler
as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all!
And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole!
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm... five?"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)
Size Comparison
An Arizonan and a Texan were driving through Arizona one afternoon. As they drove down the highway, the Arizonan pointed out the sights.
Pointing out the car window, the Arizonan notes, "Look, over there is a cattle ranch."
"We have cattle ranches that are at least twice that size in Texas," claimed the Texan.
They drove on for another hour, and the Arizonan pointed out an area of cotton fields.
"In Texas, we have cotton fields that are much bigger than that," noted the Texan.
By this time, the Arizonan was starting to get annoyed. Not wanting to be outdone, he continued driving. An hour later, they reached northwestern Arizona. The Texan looks out the window at the Grand Canyon, points, and asks, "What is that?"
Without missing a beat, the Arizonan replies, "Don't you have irrgation ditches in Texas?"
Read all jokes from:Arizona (+117)
Cheapest car parking
A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Hasidic Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)
How To Have A Hit Record
Back in the early 1990s I decided to do something I always wanted to do since I was a mere child; I wanted to hear my record on the radio. To accomplish this feat I decided to hire a radio promoter. To begin I sent my new CD to about ten different music promoters whose names I found in the pages of a local music magazine. Some said they didn't handle my style of music, some said they had too many clients to be able to take on any more and a couple said they heard hit songs on my CD and, for a fee, they would promote my music to radio.
One very famous promoter liked it enough to offer to be our producer and shop our CD to labels. This was just what I was hoping for when I sent out the ten CDs since I didn't want to pay a promoter and market the disc myself. Before he got a chance to really make good on his offer the 1994 Northridge earthquake hit, he was injured and his home damaged and he suddenly had more pressing matters.
Eventually we did strike a deal with a promoter and paid for his services. The music business has changed drastically since then, especially with the Internet, Youtube and iTunes but what I learned about radio promotion may still be useful.
What I learned was that the country is broken up into seven geographical areas such as East, Southeast, Midwest, etc. and to get a national hit you have to promote to all areas at the same time. It's all a numbers game. You need, at least back then, fifty stations playing your song in rotation in order to be added to the radio charts of which there are several.
College radio and regional radio charts are the first ones a newcomer has a chance to get on as the larger ones such as Billboard choose what songs they're going to add by watching what records do well on the smaller charts. To get on the smaller charts you promote to small stations, that is, radio stations in small towns and with lower geographic coverage. These small town radio stations and college stations pride themselves on finding new talent and breaking the stars of tomorrow. You need to promote to these stations first in each of the geographic regions. The problem is that radio promoters usually only work one or two of these regions so you have to hire multiple promoters if you want more than just a regional hit which probably won't get you on the chart since you need fifty stations. Promoters network with each other so one promoter can hook you up with his counterpart in another region but you'll be paying for both and payment is on a weekly basis.
So now you're paying at least one promoter per region each week and every time you get on a chart you pay each of the promoters a bonus. Back then it was $500.00 per promoter per chart. The real bad news is that as these promoters network and cooperate with each other to get you a national campaign, the promoters you don't hire will actively try to sabotage your record, after all, you're now their records' competition. This competition between record promoters gets downright nasty so you can't expect just one or two promoters to do the job. You have to hire all the promoters that handle your style of music just to buy them off from attacking you.
The basic weekly pay per promoter plus the bonuses for the chart adds aren't your only expense. You also have to supply the promoters with swag. Swag is stuff that the promoters give away to the radio stations which makes the stations like doing business with a particular promoter. If you, through the auspices of your promoter, give a radio station a free boombox that station will look favorably on your record when the time comes that a record is dropping off their playlist and they're considering its replacement.
Payola is the cash payment from a record company, an artist or a radio promoter to a radio station in exchange for playing a particular record and it is illegal. But giving a station swag is perfectly acceptable. The reason a radio station would want your free junk such as CDs, T shirts, boomboxes, tape decks, etc., is because they can give that stuff away to their listeners who show up at events where the station is broadcasting a live remote or from an event the station is promoting. The free stuff gets the listeners down to the event and the event organizers pay the radio station cash to do a remote broadcast or promote the event through radio ads.
Our promoter had a special deal on boomboxes, a popular form of swag back then, that cost us only $65.00 per boombox, that means $65.00 per station. Now it should be easy to see how expensive a record radio campaign can be.
Back then, before iTunes and digital downloads, if you didn't have your records in record stores in the areas in which you were getting airplay, when you were getting airplay, then all the plays you get will mean nothing since the fans won't be able to buy your record if they want to. Getting independent record distribution was difficult unless you could prove you were getting radio ads and then you'd have to press up thousands of copies immediately in order to strike while the iron was hot. Now days that whole area of distribute is provided by the Internet, there aren't even any more record stores and it also provides a whole new promotion service independent of terrestrial radio, but if you're old enough to have the dream of hearing your song played on your favorite station while you're driving around in your car it can be done, if you have the money.
Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32501)
Q: When does a pensioner go to bed?
Q: When does a pensioner go to bed?
A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
The Perfect Woman
The story is told of a chance meeting between 2 men who had been college classmates. They went to a nearby sidewalk cafe where they drank tea together & talked about old times & about their present life situations.
"How is it that you haven't yet married?" one asked the other.
To which his friend replied, "To be perfectly honest, I must tell you that I spent years of my life looking for the perfect woman. In Barcelona, I met a very beautiful and extremely intelligent woman and, for a brief time, I thought I had found the ideal person to be my wife. But soon I discovered that she was terribly vain. Then, in Boston, I met a woman who was outgoing and generous. 'Here is the perfect woman,' I thought at first. But soon I discovered that she was flighty and irresponsible. I continued my search, but always found something missing in the women I was attracted to. Then, incredibly, one day I met her! I actually met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, kind, generous, and had a great sense of humor. In short, she was perfect."
"Well, then." said the friend, "What happened? Why didn't you marry her?"
To which the other replied, "I soon discovered she was looking for the perfect man."
Read all jokes from:Men (+300)
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Reverend Fuzz
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
'Twas the Night of Nekkid Frustration
'Twas a quiet night,
And all through the house,
No one was home,
Not even the spouse.
I was real horny,
With no one here who would care,
So I dialed AOL,
To see if My friends were there.
I looked at my buddy list,
To see who was online,
While visions of cyber-sex,
Danced through my mind.
When all of a sudden,
Who on my list should appear,
Just the best little cyber-babe,
I'd ever had here.
I IM'd her with "hey darlin",
Kisses, hugs, and hello,
When I suggested a private room,
She said 'lets go".
I made up a name,
We both clicked, and were in,
Anticipating the fun that,
Was about to begin.
We {S kissed and {S hugged,
Then our clothes we did shuck,
It was just then,
I ran out of luck.
Naked and hot,
To the imaginary bed we scooted,
When the next thing I knew,
I had been booted.
I ranted and raved,
And cursed AOL,
For taking my money and,
Putting me through hell.
I signed on again,
And impatiently waited,
Hoping and praying,
Her lust hadn't abated.
I was finally online and,
To the room I did dash,
To my little cyber-girl,
And heaven at last.
We got past the foreplay,
Were cyber-fuckin and then,
To my utter frustration,
I was booted again.
I cursed AOL,
As I got back online,
For what I swore would be,
The very last time.
We got down to business,
And as the end neared,
It happened again,
That thing that I feared.
Now the first was bad timing,
The second rough,
But the third time booted,
I'd had enough.
A letter I wrote,
Addressed to Steve Case,
Telling him what I would do,
If we ever came face to face.
I wrote in great detail,
Just how he would pay,
For my getting booted,
Three times getting layed.
You may think this funny,
A ass-slappin hoot,
But the next time you cyber,
WATCH OUT FOR THE BOOT
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION A young man
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
A true story: A convicted con man
A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City, to which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
Things only a mom can teach
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ...
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."
My Mother taught me ESP ...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX ...
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS ...
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
Read all jokes from:Family (+438)
Q. Who really killed John F. Kennedy?
Q. Who really killed John F. Kennedy?
A. Two hundred Italian sharpshooters.
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
An infinite number of rednecks, in an
An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks, firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, will produce all the great works of literature - in Braille.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in
love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have
the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and
should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and
she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking
screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
Q - How is Princess Diana different
Q - How is Princess Diana different from Tiger Woods?
A - Tiger Woods knows how to pick a driver.
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+966)
A guy walks into a bar on
A guy walks into a bar on the moon and says to the bartender "Hey, there's no atmosphere in here!"
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Reasons to live in British Columbia
1. Weed!
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder.
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar.
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown.
6. A university with a nude beach.
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash.
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
10. Cannabis.
Read all jokes from:Travel (+295)
An answer for everything
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."
The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?"
The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
Little Mary is sitting in class and
Little Mary is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home to her mother, and explain what happened.
On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.
Little Johnny asks Little Mary, "Where are you going?"
"I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Little Mary.
"Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny.
So little Mary pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.
Little Johnny steps back in horror and says, "Why did they cut your wiener off!?"
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
A woman was chatting with her next-door
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
Way down in the deep south, in
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I
have been hearing very nasty rumors!"
The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am
asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here
- before my flock of loyal followers."
A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
Rules Of The Road In Florida
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no-fault insurance the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Florida is the home of high-speed slalom driving.
12. It is traditional in Florida to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.
13. Remember that the goal of every Florida driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.
14. In Florida, 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1457)
Rabbit Revival A man was driving
Rabbit Revival
A man was driving along one day and he hit a rabbit. Feeling terrible he stopped and got out of the car to see if it was badly hurt. To his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Unsure what to do, the man runs to the nearest building, which happens to be a salon. He says to the hairdresser, "I've just hit and killed a rabbit in the middle of the road! What should I do?" The hairstylist thinks a moment, then says "I think I have just the thing." He grabs a few bottles from a shelf and runs out to the rabbit. Opening the bottles, he poured the contents onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit jumps up, shakes itself, looks around, then hops of. It went a few feet, then turned and waved, went a few more feet, then turned and waved again. This odd behavior continued untill the rabbit was out of sight. The man looked and the Hairdresser in amazement and says, "Wow! What did you do?" "Oh," the stylist responded, " I gave it a hair revitilisant with a wave!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)
Why Dogs are Better Than Men
* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you're gone.
* Dogs look at your eyes.
* Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
* Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
* Dogs understand what "no" means.
* Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw.
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they're lost.
* Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* You can train a dog.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
* Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
* Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335), Lists (+730), Men vs. Women (+5689)
Morris's local manufacturing business was broken into
Morris's local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are currently combing the area for clues.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
The greatest God
There was a christian, a muslim and a jew who were discussing who had the greatest God. The muslim started:
"I was riding my camel in the desert. Suddenly I saw a sandstorm coming closer. I got afraid, I thought my end had comen, but I didn't lose my faith in the holy Allah. I prayed to him, and 100m from me, the sandstorm stopped."
Then it was the christians turn:
"It was a nice day, and I was rowing my boat. The suddenly, I saw a storm coming. I got afraid, but I didn't lose my faith in the holy Jesus, and 50m from me, the storm stopped.
Then it was the jew's turn:
"It was a sabbath. I walked in Manhattan in my most expensive costume. Then suddenly I saw a black bag in front of me. I stopped down my hand, and when I pulled it up, it was full with money. I got afraid, because you can't have business with money on sabbath. But I didn't lose my faith in the holy Hashem. I prayed to him, and 500m from me it was Tuesday...
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Way down in the deep south, in
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I
have been hearing very nasty rumors!"
The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am
asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here
- before my flock of loyal followers."
A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."
Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)
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