15 jokes: November 2011

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Throwing money

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.
The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)

3 Nurses and a Wish

A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery.

"I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.

"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.

The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)

I'm just trying to be helpful

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)

A little girl and a little boy

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2425), Men vs. Women (+5689)

Cats, the Musical

"Cats" is the longest- running show on Broadway to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America's most popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the true- to- life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats.

* Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.

* The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.

* Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not - depending on their mood.

* Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.

* When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.

* In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.

* For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.

* A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.

* Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.

* Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.

* Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.

* The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.

* Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and - well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?

* The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.

* Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

* The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.

* Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.

* Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.

Read all jokes from:Cat (+694)

A hooker in my cooker

There's a hooker in my cooker,
and boy, she is a quite a looker!
It started out, all last night,
when there was a great fight.

A guy was sporting a leopard-skin coat,
the girl was screaming like a goat.
The guy asked if I wanted a piece,
I said, "Good Lord, that cooch smells like cheese!"

The pimp swore that she was clean,
he also stated that she was mean.
So I took him up on that,
$45.00? For a bitch that fat?

We strolled up on up to my room
When the neighbors heard a SONIC BOOM!
The bed we were on, seemed to have broke,
God-Almighty, I popped that girl's yolk!

Then all of a sudden she started to scream,
I yelled, "OMIGOD, I'm gonna cream!"
My sheets were drenched in semen and sweat,
I said, "Damn, bitch, yer twat's wet!"

She got on all fours, and begged for more
I thought to myself, "Damn, what a whore!?"
So I got behind her, and gave her my stuff,
She began to huff and puff, then later she got rough.

She turned herself around, and showed me her tit
I said, "C'mon, baby, lemme get a little bit!"
She said, "Damn, baby, NOT SO HARD!"
So we started again, her tits shook like a tub-a-lard.

When we were done, we decided to lay down
All was quiet, there wasn't any sound...
Then all of a sudden, we heard a knock at the door,
The people outside screamed, "Where is that whore?!"

I said, "Hurry up, bitch, get in the oven!"
She said, "C'mon, honey, quit wit' da shovin!"
I let the people in, and they snooped around
They ask the question, "And who owns this gown?"

They said it must be hers, it smells like cheese!
I said, "C'mon guys, get out please."
They asked what was the scent coming from the cooker,
I said to myself, "They're gonna find that hooker!"

I said, "Its nothing, just my extra cheesy pizza."
Someone yelled, "I betcha it's that bitch Mitsa!"
They said, "Open the oven, we gotta take a look,"
I said, "C'mon guys, I gotta let my pizza cook!"

All of a sudden, I had a gun in my face,
"If you don't open that oven, you're brains will be all over the place"
I became scared, so I reached for a pot,
The last thing I heard was that gun shot.

When I woke up, I was laying in cream
And to my astonishment, it was a wet dream
I went to the kitchen to get a coffee-cup,
I heard a sound in the oven, I wonder what's up...

I grab a knife, and slowly walk over
I think to myself, "Damn what's that odor?"
I open the door, and to my dismay,
There was that bitch, saying, "I WANT MY PAY!"

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)

Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with 2 brain cells?

Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went
"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK
OFF!", the dog ate him!"

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

Q: What's white, furry, smokes cigars, and stays up all night playing cards?

Q: What's white, furry, smokes cigars, and stays up all night playing cards?
A: A poker bear!

Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)

Green Side Up!

A painting contractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She sad she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP." They walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP." The woman was curious but didn't say anything. They walked into the third room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and went to the window and opened it, he yelled "GREEN SIDE UP." Finally the woman asked, "why do you keep yelling that out the window?" "I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)

Christmas

"Christmas is almost on us," said the teacher, and tomorrow I want all of you boys and girls to bring something to illustrate what Christmas is all about.
Next day, each pupil had brought something along. Little Sally was first. "I've brought a toy reindeer," she said, "because Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer."
Then came George, who had brought a piece of the deodar tree from his garden."This is what Christmas trees are made of," he explained. Little Bruce had brought some wrapping paper, and Marcie brought a picture of a turkey. All of which the teacher praised, but expressed the wish that someone had used a bit more initiative, and also concentrated more on the spiritual aspects of Christmas.
Inevitably, Little Johnnie at the back of the class had had his hand up all the while, snapping his fingers, and hissing "Miss, Miss." And as a last desperate resort she calls on him.
"Okay, Little Johnnie," says teacher. "What have you brought."
Proudly, Little Johnnie produces a set of ladies panties, which he twirls around his finger, high above his head, for all of the class to see.
"What are THOSE?" demands Teacher, as if she didn't know.
"They're girls' panties, Miss."
"I can see that, Johnnie. But what have they got to do with Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)

Busted!

During our routine sweep of the Internet, We, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes, you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair.
The timer starts NOW! Get off your butt - - you'll thank us for it later.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)

If Bill Gates Wrote a Book on Wicca

* The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.

* Iconology would be a major chapter.

* A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months, without which your magik would no longer work.

* Your broom would crash at least once a week.

* Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.

* A Book of Shadows would be called a Folder of Magik.

* A free high-speed connection spell would come with every book.

* Every now and then your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the re-boot ritual to get it working again.

* If you used the more powerful NT Magik, all circles within a 5 mile radius would go down.

* At least once a month you would have to re-install your spells into your Folder of Magik.

* You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)

Oh-lady-hoo

Three hunters decided if they got separated or lost, they would use the yodeling cry "oh-lady-hoo" to help locate each other. One hunter got lost and yelled "oh-lady-hoo" until he was hoarse but to no avail.

When it began to get dark, he gave up trying to find his friends, saw light at a nearby farmhouse, knocked on the front door and asked the farmer if he could stay the night.

"No problem," he said, "I've got a spare room you're welcome to use."

Toward morning, the hunter was awakened by the farmer's young daughter as she slipped into his bed. In no time at all they were going at it hot and heavy and in a few minutes she had an orgasm. Her cries of ecstasy soon brought an angry father into the bedroom.

He had a loaded shotgun and said to the hunter, "You better get dressed real fast 'cause you and me are going down to the barnyard to see if you can haul ass fast enough to outrun a load of buckshot!"

As soon as they reached the barnyard, the frightened hunter took off like a scalded cat, jumped high in the air to clear the barnyard fence, thought of his missing friends, yelled "oh-lady-hoo" and instantly received a full load of buckshot in his rear end.

As he lay on the ground bleeding profusely, the farmer walked up and said, "I know my daughter pretty well and had my mind halfway made up not to shoot. But, when you yelled, 'I got the old lady too,' that changed my mind real quick."

Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)

Can You Spare A Penny?

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"
And God said "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million pounds to you?"
And God said: "A penny"
Then the man asked: "God... can I have a penny?"
And God said: "Sure... in a minute."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)

Kill the Accountant!

Woe to the poor accountant! Here is a collection of accountant jokes! Enjoy!

What's the definition of an accountant?
- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
- Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What's an auditor?
- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
- Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
- Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
- Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Read all jokes from:Financial (+1217)

Two neighbors had been fighting each other

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
"My new pet elephant," Bill replies solemly.

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)

A man rushed into the doctor's office

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!!'
The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. Y ou'll just have to be a little patient."

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)

This is my first golf lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Read all jokes from:Golf (+379)

After putting her children to bed, a

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2426)

Canadian Laws

You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.
* In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch.
* Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
* In Montreal, you may not swear in French.
* Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.
* In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.
* In Toronto, you can't drag a dead horse down Yonge St. on a Sunday.
* The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone.
* In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed.

Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)

Q: What is the golden rule for cattle?

Q: What is the golden rule for cattle?
A: Do unto udders as you would have udders do unto you.

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)

Life And A Can Of Beer

When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- -your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions-things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff".

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)

Judgement day

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears to speak with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.

Doctor: "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people."

St. Peter: "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you?"

Nurse: "I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, etc..."

St. Peter: "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?"

HMO Executive: "I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country."

St. Peter: "Oh, I see. Please go on in . . . but you can only stay 2 nights!"

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)

2000 bears schedule

The Chicago Bears 2000 schedule and changes.

September

15................Tefft Junior High School
22................Cub Scout Troop #101
29................Chicago Blind Academy

October
6.................Spanish American War Vets
13................Crippled Children's Home
20................Elgin Mental Hospital
27................Girl Scout Troop # 353

November

3..................Illinois Venereal Disease Clinic
10.................Cicero Boys Choir
17.................Korean Amputees

SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME

December

9..................Wrigleyville Gay Boys Club

** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **

1 - When playing polio patients, the Bears must not disconnect knee braces.
2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Bears must not hide the football under their jerseys.

** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **

1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Bears fans that have never seen this ) it is still worth 6 points.
2 - The Bears will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 - The Bears will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time.
4 - The Bears will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
5 - The Bears will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.

** NAME CHANGE **

The Chicago Bears will be changed to the "Chicago Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string.

** COACHING CHANGES **

Dave Wannstedt will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!

Read all jokes from:Sport (+1015)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

After hearing that one of the patients

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1841)

My Son Loves Me!

Three mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)

Three guys are discussing women. "I like

Three guys are discussing women.
"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."
He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)

Naming

A Chinese man walked into a pub in New York with his pal.

He says to his pal, "Hey! That's Jurassic Park Director, Steven Spielberg over there! God, I wish he'll come over to say hi".

Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a heavy punch on the nose.

"Hey! What's that for?!"

"You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbour!"

"I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese,Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same!"
Spielberg walks back.

The Chinese man calmly walks over and gives Spielberg a really heavy punch on the face.

"What... !?!"
"YOU BLOODY AMERICAN! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!"
"No, no, an iceberg sank the Titanic!"
"Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"

Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+966)

Signs that you are too drunk

* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

* You fall off the floor.

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

* You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

* Job interfering with your drinking.

* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence? You think not!

* You can focus better with one eye closed.

* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm?

* Roseanne looks good.

* That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

* Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

* You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex.

* Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

* The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

* You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the night.

* Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!

* You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your Oldsmobile.

* Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

* Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

* Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka.

* For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal.

* Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.

* For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

* You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

* Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

* Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"

* The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

* Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

* Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

* You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

* You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.

* You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.

* You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"

* You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)

Viruses

INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.
MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.
MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense."
CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.
SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt.
NEW ECONOMY VIRUS - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.
ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

Read all jokes from:Financial (+1217)

You Might Be A Redneck If... (4)

You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.
You have to recrank your car at every intersection.
You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message: "for a good time call... ", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
You have to slide out of the passenger side of your truck because the driver's side door is jammed.
You have to steal your neighbor's paper to see what the date is or you are out of toilet paper.
You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
You have to take out a loan to pay off the tire store.
You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
You have to use a ladder to get in your truck.
You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
You have to watch for cow patties when you play golf.
You have two pairs of jeans, and six pairs of boots.
You have two refigerators,one outside for the food and one inside for the beer.
You have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.
You have used a rag as a gas cap.
You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
You have your family reunion at the Talladega 500.
You have your TV on top of empty beer cans and call it recycling.
You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
You hear somone mention the depression and you think they are talking about when Bubba's Market ran out of Skoal.
You heard that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so you moved.
You help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.
You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
You hunt deer from a moving vehicle.
You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
You inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
You itch your butt in front of your wife.
You join the army for the free uniform.
You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You just hate getting strip searched by the guard every time you go visit your cousin Bubba.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case".
You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
You keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
You keep all your guns in a fireproof locked safe and everything else out in the open.
You keep catfish in your aquarium.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
You keep your fingernails long to open you snuff can.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.
You know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song.
You know at least 6 ways to bend a baseball cap.
You know exactly how long it takes for pizza to get fuzzy in the fridge.
You know exactly how many cans of spray paint it takes to paint a 1976 full size Chevy truck.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You know how to milk a goat.
You know just the right leaf to use when you run out of bog paper.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You know what a jockey lot is and you go more than once a week.
You know which leaf is best to use when you're out of toilet paper.
You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know who built the "other" hemi.
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
You learned the alphabet by eating Cambpell's alapahbet soup.
You leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.
You let your 13 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER kids
You let your twelve years old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
You live in a two-story trailer.
You live in El Reno, Oklahoma.
You look both ways before crossing a one-way street.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right'
You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.
You made your fishin pole outta popcicle sticks.
You make change in the offering plate.
You make your dogs sleep on top of the house in the rain because you can't afford to patch the roof.
You might live in a redneck town
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You missed your graduation because your kids were sick
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow the front yard and find a car.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.
You name your car the General Lee.
You name your children after the cars they were concieved in.
You name your dogs after your favorite "Playboy" centerfold.
You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
You need a dictionary to spell your name.
You need a truck to move your barbecue.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You nick-name children "possum" and "critter."
You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
You not only pass the beans at the supper table but your teeth so Billy Bob can chew them also.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You only bathe when it rains.
You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You own a badly made; ugly gun cabinet that you made in wood shop.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You own a lava lamp that over 5 feet tall.
You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
You own a trophy that includes the words "cow chip toss" on it.
You own a waffle house credit card.
You own a whole set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
You own an Elvis Jelly mold.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You own every Box Car Willie album.
You own half a pickup truck.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
You own more than 5 trucks that you need ladders to get into.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You own more than two clappers.
You paint your car with house paint
You painted your truck camouflage and now you can't find it.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You pave your parking spot just because your neighbor calls you a red neck.
You pawned your grandfather's pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend.
You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get four teeth kicked out.
You played the banjo in your high school band.
You practice your cow chip throwing techniques while they're still fresh.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.
You prefer to cut the excess length oof your jeans rather that himming them.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You proposed in a Denny's.
You pull one of your dogs loose teeth and keep it to have something to remember him by.
You pull out the generator when the power goes out to watch a NASCAR race!
You pull the legs off of flys then toss them into the air to see how long it takes them to "crash land".
You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.
You pulling your push mower at the same time to get your yard mowed.
You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
You purposely feed the cockroaches.
You put a 5-dollar bill in a pop machine.
You put a Clapper on your headlights.
You put a corn cobb on a screwdriver and call it a back-scratcher
You put a sign up that says "Billy Bob & Sally wedding - ->" on a carboard sign in spray paint nailed to a tree.
You put mud grips on your new Cadillac.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You rake your carpet because the sweeper motor is being used for your truck.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
You recite lines from "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You reckon the Internet is something you use when fishing.
You reckon the phrase "Chicken Out" means one of your pets has escaped.
You reckon watching wrestling is foreplay.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
You refer to deer hunting as a religion.
You refer to fifth grade as "My senior year"
You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome."
You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
You refer to Wal-Mart as going to the mall.
You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."
You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
You refer to your dog as your youngest.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags."
You refuse to shave or bathe until you've bagged your first deer of the season.
You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.
You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.
You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."
You remember phone numbers by writing them in the dust on your dashboard.
You removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.
You repaint your pink flamingo every spring but not your house.
You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.
You re-use dental floss to save money.
You ride a tractor with traninig wheals.
You rip a loud one and blame your date.
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
You run a garden hose from outside, through a window to fill your indoor hot tub.
You run from the cops on a John Deere tractor.
You sat on your roof with a loaded gun waiting for twelve midnight to roll around on Y2K.
You save cooking grease in a coffee can.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
You say "I tell you wut!" more than 3 times a day.
You scratch your butt at night and smell your hand in the morning.
You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.
You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
You see a forest fire and think "Bar-bee-Q".
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You see a sign that says "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is.
You see no need to stop at a rest stop cause you have an empty milk jug.
You see your grandmother naked and it turns you on.
You select a date's corsage to match her tattoo.
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.
You sent out birth announcements for your new puppies.
You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.
You shave your beard and find a french fry.
You shoplift from a yard sale.
You shoplift from Goodwill.
You shot your own 12-point coat rack.
You show strangers your war wound.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
You slam your truck's door and your 12 gauge makes a new sun roof.
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
You smoke hams after sex.
You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.
You spend more time with you truck than your family.
You spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV.
You spend three days in line for Reba tickets.
You spent more money on a souvenier Clint Black shirt, than on your whole wardrobe.
You spit in the skillet to check the temperature.
You spit on your own floor.
You spray crawling bugs with hair spray and light them on fire with a lighter.
You spray-painted your dog hunters orange to, "make him look more decent like."
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
You steal money from the Salvation Army buckets.
You stockpile pork and beans.
You stop picking your nose in traffic long enough to wink at the girl next to you.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You strung Christmas lights on an old truck parked in your yard.
You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.
You swallow a minnow just to impress the lady cashier at the local bait shop.
You take a bag to an All-you-Can-Eat bar.
You take a bath in a water trough.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.
You take your car to the repair shop to have the donut tires rotated.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner
You take your dog on more vacations than your wife!
You take your Mom to the Wal-Mart food court for Mother's Day...
You take your wife fishing and she out fishes you and all your buddies.
You take your wife to your mistress's wedding.

Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)

One foggy night, an Arkansas fan and

One foggy night, an Arkansas fan and a LSU fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Fayetteville. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The LSU fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Razorback fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The LSU fan walks over to the Razorback fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Razorback fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Razorback fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Tiger fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Tiger fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Tiger fan hands it back to the Razorback fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Razorback fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Read all jokes from:Arkansas (+102)

Lucky

Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner.

Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him.

He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed.

The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record because, the trainers say, the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."

Read all jokes from:Stories (+318)

What is the difference between a bodhran

What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathisers.

Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)

Cooperation

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

Read all jokes from:Family (+438)

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to
ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his
room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home
tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any
physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to
make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate
sex... you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just
maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything
was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you... "

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription
pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate,
adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron
Katz... Now, I'll just address this... By the way, Sol, what's
your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May
Concern"?

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)

Montana Ghost Story

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start," says the professor, "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" asks the professor.
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!" Dang, I thought you said 'goats'

Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)

Excuses for not going to work

* I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.

* My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.

* I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.

* I can't come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can't get out.

* I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.

* Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.

* Sorry Boss I can't come into work today...my spirit guide says work is for losers!

* There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.

* I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.

* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

* I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

* My stigmata's acting up.

* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

* Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma.

* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

Read all jokes from:Office (+195)

Political correctness for teenagers

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenging."

Read all jokes from:Family (+437)

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

Read all jokes from:Sales (+103)

How do you fit 100 drummers in

How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth?

Throw in a food stamp

Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)

Teacher: How do you spell cat, Angela?

Teacher: How do you spell cat, Angela?
Angela: C-A-I -
Teacher: Stop right there. Cat doesn't have and I!
Angela: So how does it see to catch a mouse?

Teacher: Melody, spell mouse.
Melody: M-O-U-S.
Teacher: But what's at the end of it?
Melody: A tail.

Read all jokes from:School (+377)

Did you hear Sonny Bono died while

Did you hear Sonny Bono died while skiing?

He fell off the 'Cher' lift.

Read all jokes from:Music (+2466)

Living in Paradise (Alaska)

Jan. 10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

Jan. 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Jan. 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.

Jan. 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my butt in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan. 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white stuff last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That darn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan. 15 -2 degrees outside. More blasted snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second-degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.

Jan.16 Darn blasted snow keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch the jerk that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to open our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan.17 Six darn more inches of blasted snow and sleet and ice and God knows what other kind of white crap fell last night. I wounded the snowplow jerk with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -62 degrees. I'm moving back to Albuquerque.

Read all jokes from:Alaska (+171)

Down in Florida, two widows were talking

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you
ever get to feeling horny?"
"Yes,"
her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do
you go to?"

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)

Signs you're an overweight cop

- You spend a lot of your time trying to apprehend Big Macs.

- You have two holsters: One for your gun, one for Italian Sausage.

- The last time you saw your feet, "Kojak" was on in prime time.

- Instead of yelling "Freeze!" you yell "Fritos!"

- Even a patrol car's big block engine can't propel you more than 30 mph.

- You sometimes work undercover as a sofa.

- You take the phrase, "Take a bite out of crime" too literally.

- Several times a year, rescue workers have to use jaws of life to get you out of your squad car.

- Your ass is known as the fourth precinct.

- You're frequently used as a roadblock.

Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)

It was a somber day in Disney

It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court..
The judge was about to make his decision he said 'Im sorry mickey, I cant
grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth"

Mickey retorted " I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.
"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then?"
"What and ruin my vacation?" she whined.

Read all jokes from:Office (+194), Women (+407)

Monday, November 28, 2011

Attending a wedding for the first time

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)

Said a swinging young chick named Lyth

Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."

Read all jokes from:Limericks (+567)

Chinese torture

Once upon a time in China lived two men whose names were I KUM and NO KUM. NO KUM was married to a young and very pretty girl named NO KUM TU, while I KUM was single.

One night I KUM went to see is friend NO KUM. Upon arriving at NO KUM'S home, I KUM found out that NO KUM was not at home. NO KUM'S wife, NO KUM TU, invited I KUM to stay the night with her. That night NO KUM TU came which

gave I KUM great pleasure as I KUM came too.

After a time NO KUM found out that he was going to be a father, but NO KUM didn't know how come. When the little child was born, NO KUM named him HOW KUM YOU KUM.

But NO KUM TU and I KUM know how come HOW KUM YOU KUM came. To this day NO KUM doesn't know how come HOW KUM YOU KUM came.

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)

The Harried Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it... all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

Read all jokes from:Men (+300)

You Might Be A Redneck If... (24)

You think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
You think a stock tip is advice on wormin' your hogs.
You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.
You think a TV dinner consists of a RC Cola and a moonpie.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.
You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
You think beef stroganoff is when the bull is playing with himself.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You think coming from a broken home means your trailer has a flat.
You think country and western are the two kinds of music.
You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
You think deer hunting should be an Olympic sport.
You think dingle berries are a fruit.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think dressing up is putting on all your camo.
You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You think garabage pickin' is a hobbie.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You think golf is when you try to hit the ball up your neighbors hole
You think good china is China without any Chinese people.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
You think hocking loogies onto oncoming vehicles should be an Olympic sport.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You think Iraq is a high performance Camaro.
You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3-year o.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
You think NSYNC is where the dirty dishes are.
You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Redneck (+1458)

Change of Plans

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

"Oh God!" she screams. "Help me! There"s a bee up my vagina and it"s buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!"

"Let"s go says her lover, I"ll rush you straight to hospital!"

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor. "What seems to be the problem?" he asks.

"I've got a frigging bee up my vagina" screams the woman. "Get it out!"

"I see," says the doctor."Well, there"s only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out."

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

"Just an inch or two should do it," he says. After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says "Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper" and slides it in all the way.

Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

"HOLD IT!" says the boyfriend, "What are you doing?"

"Change of plans!," shouts the doctor... "I've decided to drown the little bastard!"

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)

Women - Did You Know?

There are 3 BILLION women who don't look like supermodels and only 8 who do?

Marilyn Monroe wore a size 12.

If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

The average American woman weighs 144 lb. and wears between a size 12 and 14.

If shop mannequins were real women, they'd be too thin to menstruate.

One out of every 4 college aged women has an eating disorder

The models in the magazines are airbrushed they're not perfect!!

A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and shameful.

Models who twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman, today weigh 23% less.

Read all jokes from:Women (+406)

A bat in the outhouse

The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.
"Pop," he drawled, "Ah'm jest not sure Ah know what t'do."
"It's simple," said his father. "Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pisses."
Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it in the outhouse.

Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)

Q: What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?

Q: What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A: Goes-in-tight!

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)

How to make your husband crazy

* Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house.

* Organize his workshop, dresser top, or other special place.

* Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.

* Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.

* Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.

* Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.

* Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."

* Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."

* Have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.

* Reverse his contact lenses in their case.

* Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.

* Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)

After putting her children to bed, a

Q: What are white, furry, and have wheels on their paws?

Q: What are white, furry, and have wheels on their paws?
A: Roller bears!

Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)

It's coming back to me now

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)

Chicken Legs

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.

The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.

He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs so I bred a three- legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)

Bad News

A man had been feeling sick for quite some time and finally decided to see a doctor. The doctor came out and told the patient that he has some bad news to share. "You are going to die," he said.
"When will I die?" the patient asked.

"Ten," the doctor replied.

The patient, wondering, asked, "Ten what? Years, months, days ...? Tell me doc, I gotta know."

"Nine," the doctor said.

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)

You know your mother is Jewish when

You know your mother is Jewish when

* She cries at your bris - because you're not engaged already.
* She shouts "Mazeltov." - every time she hears some crockery break.
* She does all her Pesach shopping for next Pesach as soon as Passover ends – because she can buy the essential items at sale prices.
* She calls you many times a day before 10am - because she wants to ask you how your day is going.
* She takes an extra suitcase with her on holiday – because where else can she put the hotel's face cloths, soaps, shampoos, bath oils, shower hats and shoe shiners?
* She cries at your Barmitzvah - because you're not engaged already.
* She goes to her doctor for every minor ailment – so she can show your photo to the young single doctors.
* She won't let you leave home without a coat and some advice on dating – because 'mother knows best'.
* She takes restaurant leftovers home with her - "I should throw away?"
* She cries on your 21st birthday - because you're not engaged already.
* She's serves you chopped liver every week - because just once, when you were young, you told her you loved chopped liver.
* She makes an extra shabbos table setting – because you just might have met your beshert on the way over.
* She gets mad with you if you buy jewellery at full price – because she knows someone who could have got it cheaper in Tel Aviv.
* She encourages you to do whatever you want with your life - as long as it includes grandchildren.
* She's regularly heard muttering - "Is one grandchild too much to ask for?"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7001)

When you want a man to play

When you want a man to play with you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure it's uncomfortable, but it makes you look just like his remote control.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)

The teacher decided to give a pop

The teacher decided to give a pop quiz on this week's spelling words. She asked the students to spell the words and use them in a sentence. Three of the words were: hotel, stigma and homosexual.

Little Johnny's answers were:
1. h-o-t-e-l The President asked Monica to keep their affair on the down low, but Linda Tripp made the ho tel.
2. s-t-i-g-m-a The President said to Monica, "I want you to stig ma cigar in your you know what.
3. h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l The President asked Monica not to wear panties because he thought it made the ho mo sexual.

Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)

Tony and Sophia grew up in an

Tony and Sophia grew up in an Italian neighborhood in
New York City. They were playmates as children and
sweet-hearts in high school. After graduation Tony and
Sophia planned to be married. Since Tony was working in
the family business, they planned to live in Tony's family's
apartment, sleeping in Tony's bedroom. After the wedding and
all the celebration every one went to bed. Tony and Sophia's
bedroom was next to Mama and Papa's bedroom. Pretty soon Tony
and Sophia's head board was beating against the wall. Papa
said, "Mama, you hear that?" Mama said, "Yes." Papa said,
"You want to?" Mama said, "Yes." So they did it too. Papa
rolled over and was just about asleep when the head board
started banging the wall again. Mama said, "You hear that?"
Papa said, "Yes." Mama said, "You want to?" Papa said, "Yes."
They did it again. This was a hell of a work out for Papa.
He was laying there exhausted and could barely catch his
breath when the head board started banging the wall again.
Papa started beating on the wall and hollered, "Hey Tony,
whatcha tryin'a do, killa your Mama?"

Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)

Creation

In the beginning there was the computer

*File Description:*
THE CREATION:
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said... .
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind.

And God saw there were 0 errors.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

Read all jokes from:Women (+405)

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.

The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice... "

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)

A man with a plan

Roger lived by himself on a remote stretch of beach. One day as he was riding his horse along the shore he saw a beautiful woman painting a canvas. He rode up and down in front of her, but she didn't react to him.

"I'll paint my horse yellow," he decided, "and then she'll notice me. She'll say,'Oh, I see you have a yellow horse.' I'll start talking to her and then I'll invite her back to my cabin for lunch and we'll have a bottle of wine, and then I'll open another bottle and we'll talk some more, and then it'll start to get cold so I'll light a fire, and we'll be sitting close in front of it. Soon we'll gently touch, then kiss, then make beautiful love all night. Yeah, that's what I'll do."

The next day he painted his horse yellow and went in search of the woman. As he approached she looked up and said, "I see you have a yellow horse."

"Yeah," Roger said. "Wanna get laid?"

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5686)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

A Duck walks into a bar

A Duck walks into a bar.

Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread
[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any
F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail
your F*****g bill to this bar.
.....
............
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

Rollo

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and went right over the balcony railing.

Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "He seemed a little depressed to me."

Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)

Sex limericks

A kinky young girl from Coleshill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.

Read all jokes from:Limericks (+567)

Four catholic ladies

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

Read all jokes from:Religious (+826)

Please Execute My Son

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, Univ. Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2426)

I've never understood why women love cats

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5686)

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... Men will screw anything.

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)

What do a conductor and a sperm

What do a conductor and a sperm have in common?

only one out of a million work.

Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)

The wife wants to try the missionary

The wife wants to try the missionary position. She's on top while I'm in Africa.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5686)

Gifts for the Computer Addict

Are you having a hard time finding the right gift for the computer addict whose PC has everything? Not another Dilbert necktie, or King's Quest XLVIII. Try one of these.

CD - ROM rewinder. (For blondes only.)

Virtual reality beer.

NoseBlaster smell card - - the latest in multi - media technology. The deluxe version comes with direct - feed nostril tubes for the ultimate in virtual olfactory experience.

True - Type font modeled on their handwriting. The last word in non - reversible encryption. (May not be exported from the country.)

72 - inch monitor.

20 - foot mouse extension cord - a must for the 72 - inch monitor.

Michael Jackson - to - Michael Jackson Morph screen saver - - endless variations.

Bedpan - - Why leave your computer just for that? (Not for use with NoseBlaster.)

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)

The day Microsoft will make something that

The day Microsoft will make something that doesn't suck is probably the day they'll start making vacuum cleaners.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)

Q. What does JFK Jr. miss most

Q. What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard?

A. The runway.

Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)

Q: What did the polar bear say after a winter of feeding on seals?

Q: What did the polar bear say after a winter of feeding on seals?
A: "I think I'd like a salad!"

Read all jokes from:Bear (+405)

Sending a blonde a telegram

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisian
A. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.
"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $. 75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable," replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)

A zebra's retirement

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a cow," said the cow.

"Right, right, what do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool."

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round."

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)

The Harvard graduates

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.

After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."

Read all jokes from:Student (+358)

Jewish hardware store

Old mister goldberg opend a hardware store and as advertisment he made a picture of jesus nailed to the cross with the caption "they used goldberg's nail's"
his son upon seeing this tells his father that he can't use it because it will cause antisemitsm.
so he changed it to a picture of jesus that fell off the cross with the caotion "they should have used goldberg's nail's"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)

The Top Jewish Country & Western Songs

The Top Jewish Country & Western Songs

* Ever Since My Circumcision, My Babys Been Short With Me
* Four Thousand Years of Sufferin and I Had to Marry You
* Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights
* I Balanced Your Books, but Youre Breaking My Heart
* I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another Notch in My Belt)
* I Lost My Goil to a Mohel (And Now Im All Cut Up)
* I Was One of the Chosen People (Til She Chose Somebody Else)
* Im Dancin the Hora Alone
* Ive Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?
* Ive Starved and Ive Suffered and Ive Parted the Sea, Just to Find That Your Bush Wasnt Burnin For Me
* Mamas Dont Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Gentiles
* Mamas Dont Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesnt Mean Anything Now That Youre Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
* My Darlins a Schmendrick and Im All Verklempt
* My Rowdy Friend Elijahs Comin Over Tonight
* My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Aint Kosher
* New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament
* Stand by Your Mensch
* That Shiksa Done Made Off with My Heart Like a Goniff
* The Second Time She Said Shalom, I Knew She Meant Goodbye
* The Shiksas Gonna Hit the Fan
* This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!
* Why Dont We Get Drunk? - Were Jews
* Youre the Lox My Bagels Been Missin
* Youve Been Talkin Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town
* Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)

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