You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.
You have to recrank your car at every intersection.
You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message: "for a good time call... ", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
You have to slide out of the passenger side of your truck because the driver's side door is jammed.
You have to steal your neighbor's paper to see what the date is or you are out of toilet paper.
You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
You have to take out a loan to pay off the tire store.
You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
You have to use a ladder to get in your truck.
You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
You have to watch for cow patties when you play golf.
You have two pairs of jeans, and six pairs of boots.
You have two refigerators,one outside for the food and one inside for the beer.
You have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.
You have used a rag as a gas cap.
You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
You have your family reunion at the Talladega 500.
You have your TV on top of empty beer cans and call it recycling.
You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
You hear somone mention the depression and you think they are talking about when Bubba's Market ran out of Skoal.
You heard that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so you moved.
You help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.
You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
You hunt deer from a moving vehicle.
You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
You inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
You itch your butt in front of your wife.
You join the army for the free uniform.
You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You just hate getting strip searched by the guard every time you go visit your cousin Bubba.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case".
You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
You keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
You keep all your guns in a fireproof locked safe and everything else out in the open.
You keep catfish in your aquarium.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
You keep your fingernails long to open you snuff can.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.
You know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song.
You know at least 6 ways to bend a baseball cap.
You know exactly how long it takes for pizza to get fuzzy in the fridge.
You know exactly how many cans of spray paint it takes to paint a 1976 full size Chevy truck.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You know how to milk a goat.
You know just the right leaf to use when you run out of bog paper.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You know what a jockey lot is and you go more than once a week.
You know which leaf is best to use when you're out of toilet paper.
You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know who built the "other" hemi.
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
You learned the alphabet by eating Cambpell's alapahbet soup.
You leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.
You let your 13 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER kids
You let your twelve years old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
You live in a two-story trailer.
You live in El Reno, Oklahoma.
You look both ways before crossing a one-way street.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right'
You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.
You made your fishin pole outta popcicle sticks.
You make change in the offering plate.
You make your dogs sleep on top of the house in the rain because you can't afford to patch the roof.
You might live in a redneck town
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You missed your graduation because your kids were sick
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow the front yard and find a car.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.
You name your car the General Lee.
You name your children after the cars they were concieved in.
You name your dogs after your favorite "Playboy" centerfold.
You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
You need a dictionary to spell your name.
You need a truck to move your barbecue.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You nick-name children "possum" and "critter."
You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
You not only pass the beans at the supper table but your teeth so Billy Bob can chew them also.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You only bathe when it rains.
You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You own a badly made; ugly gun cabinet that you made in wood shop.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You own a lava lamp that over 5 feet tall.
You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
You own a trophy that includes the words "cow chip toss" on it.
You own a waffle house credit card.
You own a whole set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
You own an Elvis Jelly mold.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You own every Box Car Willie album.
You own half a pickup truck.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
You own more than 5 trucks that you need ladders to get into.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You own more than two clappers.
You paint your car with house paint
You painted your truck camouflage and now you can't find it.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You pave your parking spot just because your neighbor calls you a red neck.
You pawned your grandfather's pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend.
You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get four teeth kicked out.
You played the banjo in your high school band.
You practice your cow chip throwing techniques while they're still fresh.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.
You prefer to cut the excess length oof your jeans rather that himming them.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You proposed in a Denny's.
You pull one of your dogs loose teeth and keep it to have something to remember him by.
You pull out the generator when the power goes out to watch a NASCAR race!
You pull the legs off of flys then toss them into the air to see how long it takes them to "crash land".
You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.
You pulling your push mower at the same time to get your yard mowed.
You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
You purposely feed the cockroaches.
You put a 5-dollar bill in a pop machine.
You put a Clapper on your headlights.
You put a corn cobb on a screwdriver and call it a back-scratcher
You put a sign up that says "Billy Bob & Sally wedding - ->" on a carboard sign in spray paint nailed to a tree.
You put mud grips on your new Cadillac.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You rake your carpet because the sweeper motor is being used for your truck.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
You recite lines from "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You reckon the Internet is something you use when fishing.
You reckon the phrase "Chicken Out" means one of your pets has escaped.
You reckon watching wrestling is foreplay.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
You refer to deer hunting as a religion.
You refer to fifth grade as "My senior year"
You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome."
You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
You refer to Wal-Mart as going to the mall.
You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."
You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
You refer to your dog as your youngest.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags."
You refuse to shave or bathe until you've bagged your first deer of the season.
You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.
You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.
You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."
You remember phone numbers by writing them in the dust on your dashboard.
You removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.
You repaint your pink flamingo every spring but not your house.
You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.
You re-use dental floss to save money.
You ride a tractor with traninig wheals.
You rip a loud one and blame your date.
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
You run a garden hose from outside, through a window to fill your indoor hot tub.
You run from the cops on a John Deere tractor.
You sat on your roof with a loaded gun waiting for twelve midnight to roll around on Y2K.
You save cooking grease in a coffee can.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
You say "I tell you wut!" more than 3 times a day.
You scratch your butt at night and smell your hand in the morning.
You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.
You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
You see a forest fire and think "Bar-bee-Q".
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You see a sign that says "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is.
You see no need to stop at a rest stop cause you have an empty milk jug.
You see your grandmother naked and it turns you on.
You select a date's corsage to match her tattoo.
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.
You sent out birth announcements for your new puppies.
You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.
You shave your beard and find a french fry.
You shoplift from a yard sale.
You shoplift from Goodwill.
You shot your own 12-point coat rack.
You show strangers your war wound.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
You slam your truck's door and your 12 gauge makes a new sun roof.
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
You smoke hams after sex.
You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.
You spend more time with you truck than your family.
You spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV.
You spend three days in line for Reba tickets.
You spent more money on a souvenier Clint Black shirt, than on your whole wardrobe.
You spit in the skillet to check the temperature.
You spit on your own floor.
You spray crawling bugs with hair spray and light them on fire with a lighter.
You spray-painted your dog hunters orange to, "make him look more decent like."
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
You steal money from the Salvation Army buckets.
You stockpile pork and beans.
You stop picking your nose in traffic long enough to wink at the girl next to you.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You strung Christmas lights on an old truck parked in your yard.
You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.
You swallow a minnow just to impress the lady cashier at the local bait shop.
You take a bag to an All-you-Can-Eat bar.
You take a bath in a water trough.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.
You take your car to the repair shop to have the donut tires rotated.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner
You take your dog on more vacations than your wife!
You take your Mom to the Wal-Mart food court for Mother's Day...
You take your wife fishing and she out fishes you and all your buddies.
You take your wife to your mistress's wedding.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
