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Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Your Dog's New Year's Resolutions
1. I will not play tug- of- war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
6. I will not eat the cats' food... before OR after they eat it.
7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
8. I will not throw up in the car.
9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
10. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
11. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
12. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
13. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
14. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
15. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
16. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
17. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
18. We do not have a doorbell.
19. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
20. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
21. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
22. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
23. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, she is 18.
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)
Kosher Japanese
There's a new Kosher Japanese restaurant opening soon. It's called "So-Sue-Me."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
The sermon
One Friday night I was in the synagogue and the Rabbi was giving his usual sermon. At the end of his speech, he told the congregation, "Before we continue, I would like to inform you that our synagogue has decided to collect goods for the most needy people in our area. It's for a good cause and we need your help. Please bring us this Sunday anything you have lying around your house that you can spare or have no great need for. For example, I'm sure that you can all think of something that you have excess of."
Behind me I heard the voice of an old lady saying to her neighbour seated next to her, "Yes, Tsuris."
(Tsuris: A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache.
Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender, adult son loses job and moves back home.
Major tsuris: daughter and baby 'Bridget' move back home too.)
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
Letter 2 Boss
Dear Boss,
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1816)
Step Up!
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing... he would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Enough of that nonsense!
The donkey later came back and kicked THE CRUD out of the farmer that tried to bury him.
MORAL: WHEN YOU TRY TO COVER YOUR ASS, IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO GET YOU.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5196)
What do you get when you play
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
Jazz Meets Classical
An orchestra was rehearsing a contemporary symphony in which there was a particularly difficult jazz trumpet riff. However, none of the trumpet players could play it. One trumpet player suggests they hire in a jazz trumpeter. The conductor screams, "NO, NO, NO!! Jazz musicians are irresponsible, can't play in tune, and are not real musicians!!" Finally, they talk him into it.
The next night at 7:57 (for an 8:00 rehearsal) the jazz musician shows up carrying his trumpet in a paper bag. The conductor decides to wait until after to yell at him. But the jazz-man plays the riff perfectly the first time. The conductor tries to thank him after rehearsal, but the cat is gone.
The next couple of rehearsals go pretty much the same way, with the cat actually playing the entire first trumpet part - perfectly.
Finally, the conductor grabs him after rehearsal and says, "You know, at first I didn't want to hire you because I thought jazz musicians were irresponsible and couldn't play in tune, but I must say you have changed my mind. Thank you."
The jazz-man says, "Well, cat, I figure it's the least I could do since I can't make the gig."
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
Ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab
* Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
* Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
* Consistently write three atoms of potassium as 'KKK.'
* Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
* When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
* Deny the existence of chemicals.
* Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
* Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker. Especially effective for female students.
* Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid.
* Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2426)
There was a young girl who begat
There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
Read all jokes from:Limericks (+566)
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."
Read all jokes from:Music (+2466)
Advice from awordinyoureye
Remember, you dont stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
An economist is someone who knows 100
An economist is someone who knows 100 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women/men.
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
The artist
Becky was very rich. One day she telephoned a famous young artist and said she wanted to commission him to paint her. He said his fee would be $5,000, which she immediately accepted. When she arrived at his studio for the first sitting, she gave him a cheque for $7,000. The artist was very surprised and asked what the extra money was for.
"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"
"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would have to keep my socks on. I must have somewhere to put my brushes."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
Making conversation
Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the salesman was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress..."
"Stop - I don't permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope..."
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"
"Sure."
"Then fuck you!"
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "Let's be honest with each other." - "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
Half time advice
It was half time during a Maccabi youth team football match and Henry, the manager of one of the sides, calls over Lawrence, one of his 9year old players and says to him, "Do you understand what co-operation is, Lawrence? Do you know what a team is?"
"Yes," replies Lawrence.
"Do you therefore understand," continues Henry, "that it's the team that counts and what matters most is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
Lawrence again replies, "yes."
"OK," Henry says, "so when the referee sees a foul and blows his whistle, one shouldnt swear, argue, attack him or call him a shmuck head and a putz. Nor is it good sportsmanship to call a manager a dumb ass hole. Do you agree?
Again Lawrence says, "yes."
"Good," says Henry, "Now go over there and explain all that to your dad."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6993)
Par for the course
The police are called to Avrahom's house in Hampstead Garden Suburb - the neighbours have heard some screaming. When the police arrive, they find Avrahom's wife Sadie standing over Avrahom's lifeless body holding a 6-iron in her hand. The club is still dripping blood.
A police constable asks Sadie, "Is that your husband, madam?"
"Yes it is," replies Sadie.
"And did you hit him with that golf club you're holding, madam?"
"Certainly," replies Sadie. She then drops the golf club, puts her hands over her face and begins to cry. "We only just got back from playing at a golf tournament," she sobs.
"How many times did you hit your husband, madam?" asks the constable.
"I dont know," replies Sadie. "Six, seven, maybe even eight times - but just put me down for a six."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
I guess Sonny's ski vacation didn't go
I guess Sonny's ski vacation didn't go so well. Hey look at the bright side...
At least he's out of the woods.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2465)
The hot dates
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's jewels are black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls never showed up."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
The great listener
Hannah is talking to her husband Howard. As usual, she's telling him all the latest gossip she's heard about their family and about their friends and about their neighbours. And as usual, she goes on and on and on, non stop. Suddenly, Howard can't take any more of this and shouts out, "Enough already Hannah. You're killing me with all this gossip. I can clearly see what will be on my headstone when I'm buried."
"So what do you see?" asks Hannah.
"Howard replies, "HERE LIES HOWARD LEVY, A GREAT LISTENER WHO WAS YENTA'D TO DEATH."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6993)
Here is your punishment
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Read all jokes from:Music (+2464)
She's So Blonde!
She's SO BLONDE That...
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
Season Ticket
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787)
Friday, June 24, 2011
You Might Be A Redneck If... (18)
You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
You have your family reunion at the Talladega 500.
You have your TV on top of empty beer cans and call it recycling.
You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
You hear somone mention the depression and you think they are talking about when Bubba's Market ran out of Skoal.
You heard that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so you moved.
You help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.
You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
You hunt deer from a moving vehicle.
You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
You inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
You itch your butt in front of your wife.
You join the army for the free uniform.
You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You just hate getting strip searched by the guard every time you go visit your cousin Bubba.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case".
You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
You keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
You keep all your guns in a fireproof locked safe and everything else out in the open.
You keep catfish in your aquarium.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
You keep your fingernails long to open you snuff can.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.
You know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song.
You know at least 6 ways to bend a baseball cap.
You know exactly how long it takes for pizza to get fuzzy in the fridge.
You know exactly how many cans of spray paint it takes to paint a 1976 full size Chevy truck.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Redneck (+1460)
Why Cats are Better than Men
1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.
2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.
3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.
4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.
5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.
6. When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.
7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.
8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.
9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.
10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have.
11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.
12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her.
13. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.
15. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
16. Better chance of training a cat.
17. Cats are cute.
18. A cat is never late for dinner.
19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!
20. You'll never get a call from you cat's ex-wife.
21. A cat would never leave you for a younger women.
22. Cats treat your mom with respect.
23. Cats don't worry about hair loss.
24. I feels nice to stroke a cats soft, fluffy fur.
25. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.
26. Cats can't show love without meaning it.
27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 40p
28. Cats actually think with their heads.
29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.
30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.
31. Cats comfort you when you are sick.
32. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
A better magic trick
A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a million times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear.
The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out. One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank.
Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
Jewish Lottery Wish
This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.
The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
"Buy a ticket!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
Doctor's Good and Bad News
The doctor took his patient into the room and said,
"I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)
Have You Cheated?
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral Sex does not count.
2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day... it doesn't count...
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex... doesn't count...
4. If both of you failed to achieve orgasm...it doesn't count...
5. Sex with a friend...it doesn't count...it's just another thing you share...
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "Did I shave my legs for this"...it doesn't count...
7. An old flame...it doesn't count...
8. An ex-spouse...it doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck".
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...it doesn't count...
10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation...it doesn't count...
11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex...it doesn't count...
12. Kissing body parts is not cheating...it doesn't count...
13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other...it doesn't count...
14. An act committed while you were intoxicated...it doesn't count.
15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other...it doesn't count...this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet".
16. Acts committed in a public place...it doesn't count...(why should it, it was public right?)
17. Phone sex...it doesn't count...(refer back to "glorified masturbation")
18. In car...it doesn't count...way too cramped...if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift...this counts...way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule 1...
19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm)...it doesn't count.
20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull'n pray method of birth control)...it doesn't count...
21. An act in which no kissing takes place...it doesn't count... (not considered to be intimate)
22. An act in which "you do all the work"...it doesn't count.
23. An act committed with your next door neighbor...it doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly".
24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other...it doesn't count.
25. An act which only happens on a random basis...it doesn't count, this should be considered " getting aquatinted "...
26. An act with a US President...it doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment...
27. An act with your boss...it doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
Fantasy
Ask any man and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the Jewish version of this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995), Sex (+4817)
Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal
Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball?
Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
The talking bird
This rich little old lady went to the grocery store one day to buy her groceries. As she entered the doors there was a talking bird to her right.
The bird said, "You are the ugliest woman I have ever seen!"
The woman was very offended and went to tell the store manager what had happened.
"If you don't stop that bird from talking to me like that I will never come back to this store again, and you do know that I am one of your biggest customers," she ranted.
The manager promised her this would never happen again.
A few days later the little old lady went back to the store and the very same thing happened.
The bird said, "You are the ugliest woman I have ever seen!"
The little old lady went and told the manager that the very same thing had happened.
"I will tell everyone I see not to shop at this store," she threatened.
The manager promised her again that it would stop this time.
He went up to the bird and said, "If you ever tell that lady that she is the ugliest woman you ever saw, I will pluck out your feathers and throw you in the street. Now do you understand?"
The talking bird replied, "Yes!"
A few days later the little lady entered the store, stopped, looked up at the bird to see if he would make that remark again. The bird just looked down at her.
As she started to walk away, the bird said, "I can't say it, but you know you are!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
A New York boy was being led
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.
"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
A redneck is driving down a back
A redneck is driving down a back road
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY
HOUR SPECIAL
LOBSTER
TAIL AND BEER
"Lord Almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
I have a strange story to tell
I have a strange story to tell,
Of a woman who casts a mean spell.
Though men would undress her,
Not one could possess her,
And the last man to screw her's not well.
Read all jokes from:Limericks (+567)
A Blonde Gets Smart!
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb!
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663), Law (+1199)
Top 15 country songs
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
- - - And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song Is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)
Q. Why do Alabama students have TGIF
Q. Why do Alabama students have TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First!
Read all jokes from:America US (+264)
Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife
Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her
son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood,
and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a
little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his
mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For
kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and
for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."
Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through
the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna
tell him, or should I ?"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
Q. Did you hear about the blonde
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662)
Three doctors are in the duck blind
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
Seven ages of the married cold
1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!" (my personal favorite)
5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
7th year--"For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
Medical facts
Issy and Rabbi Samuel were sitting next to each other on the tube train one night. Issy was returning home after another wild leaving party in the City, where he worked, and Rabbi Samuel was going to the Yeshiva to study. They often saw each other on the tube train and not for the first time, Issy smelled of beer, his shirt was stained, and his face was covered in lipstick.
Issy unfolded his Jewish Chronicle and began to read. After a few minutes, he turned to the Rabbi and asked, "What causes arthritis, Rabbi?"
Rabbi Samuel replied, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, uninhibited women, drinking too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Really?" replied Issy, "It says here in my paper that the well known Rabbi Jacobs has a very bad case of arthritis."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
One afternoon this young girl knocked on
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor,
to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god you
look so depressed.
She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me... six
dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to
spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.
Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
The complicated commercial lawsuit had dragged on
The complicated commercial lawsuit had dragged on for years and years.
'I've had enough of this,' said the managing director of one of the firms involved. 'Let's come to a compromise solution and settle out of court.'
'Impossible!' snorted the City solicitor. 'My firm is determined to fight your case right down to your last penny.'
'Thank you for winning the case,' said the grateful client to her solicitor. He had won her 10,000 pounds from the local council as she had tripped over an uneven paving slab on the pavement and injured her leg.
It was a pleasure,' said the solicitor, handing the client his bill.
The client took the bill, then frowned: 'This bill is pretty steep. Is it right?'
'Of course,' replied the solicitor. 'It represents good value for all our time, care, experience, expertise and legal knowledge. If it wasn't for us, you wouldn't have won the case.'
'Nut your costs are almost half the damages,' replied the client. 'If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have had a case.'
'But,' said the solicitor, 'anyone can trip over a paving slab.'
Read all jokes from:Law (+1199)
A golf club visits a local bar
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
What's the difference between a soprano and
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
A farmer goes to confession for the
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and
tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever
since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the
pig is a male or female.
"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a
female, of course. What the hell do you think I am - a goddam queer?
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5197)
Turkey style
"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.
"Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate.
"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" he asks.
"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A woman goes into a hardware store
A woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.
"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427), Religious (+827)
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5197)
Cost cutting measures
Due to the current financial status of the company, all employees are encouraged to adopt the following cost cutting measures.
LODGING - All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
TRANSPORTATION - Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
MEALS - Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
MISCELLANEOUS - All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
Read all jokes from:Office (+195)
Equality
Jenny was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.
She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.
The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office.
"How did it work out?" they asked.
"Well, it was a great dinner, Jenny said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."
"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.
"It didn't work out," Jenny said. "Charley was too tired."
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787)
Hair Cut
A blonde goes to the hair dresser with headphones on her head. The hair dresser says, "You have to take off the headphones."
The blonde refused. The hair dresser tried to cut around the head phones, but she couldn't manage.
The hair dresser took the headphones off the blonde and she passed out. The hair dresser put them back on and the blonde came to.
Completely perplexed, the hair dresser took the headphones and listened.
From the headphones, she heard "Breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662)
The milk cow
A milk cow died and the farmer was looking for another. His farm was on the western border of Illinois and he found a cow for sale over in Iowa. He drives over and buys the cow.
Next morning he goes out to milk the cow but every time he reaches down and takes hold of the tits to milk her, the cow lets a big fart. After a number of times that this happens he gets the neighbor over and asks him to milk the cow. Sure enough the cow farts every time he touches her tits.
The neighbor stands up and says, "This cow is from Iowa isn't it?"
The owner of the cow asks how he knows that?
The neighbor says, "My wife is from Iowa."
Read all jokes from:Travel (+295)
Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bear!
Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)
Vacation itinerary
DAY ONE
6:00 am: Get up early. Shower, shave, dance naked with the curtains open.
6:15 am: Put on my really cool, plaid, wrinkle-free suit. Hide the bodies and wipe off any possible finger prints.
6:30 am: Eat a half-rack of spare ribs and chug a pint of day old Yoo-Hoo. Lock the dog in a small, unlit closet with no food or water.
6:45 am: Leave a dead fish in the mailbox. Depart for the airport.
7:30 am: Check my bags. Chain smoke in the airport lavatory.
8:00 am: Board the plane. Scare the guy sitting next to me by stuffing my hands into my pants and yelling "down boy!"
8:15 am: Collect everyone's airsick bags and weave them into a sexy nightie. Buzz the flight attendant and offer her a can of cocktail weenies.
8:30 am: Take off for Disneyland.
9:00 am: Use my laptop to send "messages from space" to the cockpit. Scream "There's a man on the wing of this plane!" over and over until someone gives me a Valium.
9:05 am: Sleep, perchance to dream.
7:00 pm: Land at LAX Leave a special "ticking package" in the airplane lavatory.
7:15 pm: Be the first one off the plane by declaring that the kidney in my carry on bag must be delivered by sundown.
7:25 pm: While exiting the plane, announce to the folks waiting to transfer "Damn that captain can put away some tequila!"
7:30 pm: Club an airport employee and steal his golf cart. Claim someone else's luggage.
7:45 pm: Hail a cab. When the driver says "Where to?", wink and ask to go back to his place.
7:50 pm: Get some ice for my head wound. Walk to the hotel.
8:30 pm: Check in at the hotel. Go to the hotel bar and stuff beer nuts into my nose until asked to leave.
8:45 pm: Strip down to my dainty underthings and hang out in the lobby. Beg for change in the lobby until asked to leave.
9:00 pm: Pee in the fountain. Proposition the bell hops. Go to my room.
9:15 pm: Unpack.
9:30 pm: Toss the TV over the balcony. 10 pts if it lands in the pool. 50 pts if I kill a pedestrian. 100 pts if I kill a swimming pedestrian.
9:45 pm: Sing to my toothbrush. Cut eye holes in the bed linens and "haunt" the adjoining guest rooms.
9:50 pm: Use C4 and fishing line to set trip wires for the maid.
10:00 pm: Put on my golf shoes and very little else. Find the roughest cowboy bar in town.
10:30 pm: Drink a shot of Jagermeister for every letter of the Chinese alphabet. Walk from person to person in the bar, point to someone else and say: "You gonna let him talk about your mom like that?"
10:35 pm: Leave quickly and quietly.
11:00 pm: Return to the hotel. Call room service and order poached eggs for everyone on my floor.
11:15 pm: Hide in the hallway and taunt passers by with my anatomically correct sock puppets.
11:30 pm: Do unspeakable things to myself with a hand mixer until the wee hours of the morning.
3:00 am: Sleep...for tomorrow is another day.
Read all jokes from:Travel (+294)
Marrying a non-Jew
A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a non-Jew.
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." The son persisted.
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied.
The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted,"because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father said. "I told you marrying a non-Jew would cause problems."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)
3 Day Pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.
The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab in his tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Anniversary surprise
It's Henry and Diane's second wedding anniversary and for a surprise, Henry decides to send some flowers to her office. He even instructs the florist to write on the card: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. Year Number 2"
Diane is thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It reads: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. Youre Number 2"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Lee was known among his friends for
Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
Smarty cat
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh... Can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695)
Little Johnny catches his parents going at
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
mr cohen
mr cohen was a jewish g-dfearing man who always trusted Hashem.one day his house went on fire while he was sleeping.he woke up to see a fireman inside the burning building and the fireman said "come with me and you will be safe"
no said mr cohen hHashem will save me.
the fireman left.then a helicopter comes along and a man steps out and said come with us to saftey.
no said mr cohen Hashem will save me.away goes the helicopter.
then a crane comes along and a man says come with us.
no said mr cohen Hashem will save me.
mr cohen dies and goes to heaven and he asks Hashem.
why did i die i was the only one who trusted you.
and hhHashem said i sent you everything i could to help you what more do you want?
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Sex Education
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
Y'All cut back now...
(to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone-
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his Dong with the swipe of a knife.
PENIS, That Is. Clean Cut. Missed His Nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend.
CURVE, That is Tossed the Nub. In the Shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there!"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
FOUND, That Is By a Fence. Evidence.
Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a Dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that dong."
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.
WHIZZED, That Is Even Seam, Straight Stream
Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.
VIDEO, That Is Unexposed. Case Closed.
Ya'll Sleep on Your Stomachs Now, Ya Hear.........
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
You know you're in Texas when...
* You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
* You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
* You can make instant sun tea.
* You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
* The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...
* You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
* You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
* Hot water now comes out of both taps.
* It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
* You actually burn your hand opening the car door...
* You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
* No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...
* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Read all jokes from:Travel (+293)
The Misplaced Suppository
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
Q: What do you call two trumpet players and three Tuba plaers walking into a strip club?
Q: What do you call two trumpet players and three Tuba plaers walking into a strip club?
A: Horny
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
A student comes to a young professor's
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "... I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
Read all jokes from:College (+414)
College Prayers
O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.
And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.
Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.
Read all jokes from:Student (+358)
A visitor from out of town came
A visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the visitor.
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
The complicated commercial lawsuit had dragged on
The complicated commercial lawsuit had dragged on for years and years.
'I've had enough of this,' said the managing director of one of the firms involved. 'Let's come to a compromise solution and settle out of court.'
'Impossible!' snorted the City solicitor. 'My firm is determined to fight your case right down to your last penny.'
'Thank you for winning the case,' said the grateful client to her solicitor. He had won her 10,000 pounds from the local council as she had tripped over an uneven paving slab on the pavement and injured her leg.
It was a pleasure,' said the solicitor, handing the client his bill.
The client took the bill, then frowned: 'This bill is pretty steep. Is it right?'
'Of course,' replied the solicitor. 'It represents good value for all our time, care, experience, expertise and legal knowledge. If it wasn't for us, you wouldn't have won the case.'
'Nut your costs are almost half the damages,' replied the client. 'If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have had a case.'
'But,' said the solicitor, 'anyone can trip over a paving slab.'
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Old Man
Arnold had reached the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Worried by Arnold's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
Arnold looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me and I don't want to remind him."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
The flying blonde
A blonde went to helicopter flight training, wanting to learn to fly that day. The owner agreed to send her up, and instruct her by radio. He showed her the start up, and basic procedures, and up she went. At 1000 feet, she radioed, "I'm doing great! I love it! I'm really getting the hang of it!"
The instructor watched her climb to over 3000 feet, then watched in horror as the helicopter began a dive and crashed nearby. He ran over and pulled her from the wreck, asking, "What happened?"
She said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, until I got cold and turned off that big fan."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay the high New Orleans prices.
"I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper, "so I can get a pair of shoes for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in the bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
"Oh, no!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662)
Did you hear about the bum who
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.'
"Force yourself," she replied.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Johnny Maths
Little Johnny was going to a public school and he was doing very badly in maths. So his mother decided to put him into a Catholic school. When she got his report card at the end of the term, his marks in maths had improved tremendously.
So she asked him why. He replied "When I saw that naked guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business"!
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
Why, oh why?
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to a lady kneeling at a grave.
The lady seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached her and said, "Mam, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect herself, then replied, "My husband's first wife."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
Bear hunting?
Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that Moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
Read all jokes from:Bear (+405)
A Fabulous Holiday!
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a very good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
Tragedy in Texas
TRAGEDY STRIKES IN COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS
AP Newswire
Tragedy occurred today in College Station, Texas when a Cessna 152 piloted by two Texas A&M graduate students crashed into a cemetery on their final approach to the College Station airport. At last report over three hundred bodies had been recovered by Texas A&M's crack search and rescue team. A spokesperson for the rescue team indicated that recovery efforts would continue through the night. This reporter was impressed that the two students from the downed aircraft were aiding in recovery efforts.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners
after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun... '"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)
The redneck and the well dressed lawyer
A bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day.
The lawyer got out of his BMW, and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault...
"YOU STUPID HICK!" shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls and tangled beard.
"Hick, huh?" thought the redneck. "How am I gonna get outa this?"
After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks, and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.
Mister Hotshot was checking his suit and shoes to make sure they were not dirty.
He handed it to the lawyer, and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves.... IT'S HOMEMADE..."
Mister Big City Lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak.
The redneck then said, "You still look a little bit pale. How about another?" The smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow.
After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun through his wool suit.
Then the redneck said, "It's mighty hot today. Folks 'roun here don't usually wear shoes on a day like this. Why don't you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?"
The lawyer frowned, "Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That's fine for rednecks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!"
But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and finally the lawyer let out a drunken laugh, and took off his polished shoes and socks.
Then the redneck said, "Why don't you take off that fancy tie?"
"Take off my tie?" said the lawyer with a sneer and slur in his voice. "I'm a lawyer!!!" Then he looked down at his bare feet and took off his tie...
The redneck said, "And the suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit! I got another pair of overalls you can wear while we figger out what to do about this situation!"
The lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but...
Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the white shirt. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.
At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.
The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up.
After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn't find the redneck...
or his expensive clothes...
"Not me", the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree and wearing the lawyer's clothes and holding the keys to his BMW.
He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, sitting in the dirt, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and transformed into a true redneck,
"I'm waiting for the state trooper."......
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Some of Kitty's Favorite Christmas Carols
- 1. Up on the Mousetop
- 2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
- 3. Joy to the Curled
- 4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
- 5. The First Meow
- 6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
- 7. Silent Mice
- 8. Fluffy, the Snowman
- 9. Jingle Balls
- 10. Wreck the Halls
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
One Really Nasty Virus
E-MAIL WARNING
If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection. BEWARE!
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
Reasons For Breaking Up!
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: "OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)
Animal feet
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
Signs of the 2000's
1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
8. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
15. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
16. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
26. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
Not quite the Robert Redford technique
The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5686)
Emotionally Tuned - Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then Jennifer stops and says, " I don' t feel like it. I just
want you to hold me." Ben says " WHAT'" Jennifer explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day Ben takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells her,
We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond
earrings. Jennifer is so excited (she thinks he has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis bracelet. Ben says
" but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ' Jennifer is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is
going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " Ben says, " no -- no -- no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.
" Jennifer's face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the Ben says " You must not be
in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!!!!!
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
God forbid
The habit of asking God to prevent calamities is a hard one to break. One Jewish businessman, driven to despair by his rival's devious actions, shouted at him, "You should only drop dead - God forbid."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
It was a nice sunny day when
It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road,
when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)
One day, a young cowboy and a
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with
no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up
and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed,
they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her
husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes,
the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey?
Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots.
I need more rope!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
Patient: 'I've got a terrible pain in
Patient: 'I've got a terrible pain in my right arm, doctor.'
Doctor: 'Don't worry, it's just old age.'
Patient: 'But in that case, why doesn't my left arm hurt, too - I've had it just as long?'
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
The fire
Moishe is a member of Hendon synagogue. One day he calls on Rabbi Goldman of Golders Green synagogue to ask him for help.
"Everything I had and owned, Rabbi, was lost when my house burned down recently in a raging fire. I've nothing left but the clothes I'm wearing."
"Do you have a letter from your own rabbi attesting to this fire?" Rabbi Goldman asks.
"Yes, I did have such a letter, but unfortunately, that was also lost in the fire."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
The lost smokes
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Smart Dog
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open- mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself - whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)
Have I?
Moishe, an elderly man, goes to a brothel and tells the madam that he would like a beautiful, young lady for the night. The madam gives him a quick look-over and is rather puzzled. So she asks him, "How old are you?"
"Why," replies Moishe, "I'm 98 years old today."
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh," he says, "in that case, how much do I owe you?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Borrow The Truck
A white girl came up to her dad who was sitting in a beaten up armchair. "Pa, kin ah borrow the truck to-nahgt?" she asked. Her dad looked up to her and said, "Darlin', yew know what yew haf t'do if'n yew wants to borrer th' truck." "But Pa! Ah haf t'go naow!" the white girl cried. Her daddy stood up and unzipped his pants. "Yew know perfectly well what yew haf t'do. On yer knees, bitch!" The white girl complied and started sucking her dad's cock. After a few seconds she stopped in disgust and looked up to her dad. "Gee Pa, yore dick shore tastes like shit!" Her dad slapped his forhead and said, "Dammit, Ah forgot! Ah already loaned the truck to yer brother just a few minutes ago!"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)
Language
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. gdooybe
(Taht wlil fcuk the splelchekcer)
Read all jokes from:Stories (+318)
Application rejections
Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015
Dear Mr. Conners,
Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX
Read all jokes from:HR (+462)
Bragging about Japan
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
Greater Los Angeles area driver's license application
Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
Sex:___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female____both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___
Please list:
Brand of cell phone: ________.
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check haircolor:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ________
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ________
TEST
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should you:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit
Read all jokes from:Travel (+295)
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