"Kiss me," said the young lady urgently. "Please kiss me."
But the young man turned his head away, saying, "Of course not.
How can I? I'm your own brother-in-law. Hell, we shouldn't
even be lying here making love."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)
Saturday, April 30, 2011
"Kiss me," said the young lady urgently
Turning him on
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"
Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
A farmer's will
TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.
TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.
TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.
TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.
TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.
TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
Read all jokes from:Farm (+52)
The new bull
Three bulls overheard the farmer say that he was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch. This prospect brought about the following discussion.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed that 100 cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows that are presently mine. I'll fight 'em till I run him off or kill 'em, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows yet but I'm young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all my cows."
They had no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 5,000 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
Second Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
How to lose weight
Abe is just a bit overweight (well a lot, really) and goes to see a dietician.
"For the first two weeks," says the dietician, "I want you to eat normal, then skip one day and start all over again. If you do this, I guarantee you will lose at least 14 pounds in the first two weeks."
Two weeks pass and Abe goes back to the dietician and gets onto the scales. The dietician is stunned. "Abe, you've lost 20 pounds. This is unbelievable. Did you follow my instructions?"
"Yes I did," replies Abe, "I followed your instructions explicitly, even though I nearly died on day 6."
"Do you mean die, as in 'hunger'?" asks the dietician.
"No," replies Abe, "I mean die, as in 'all the skipping.'"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Adam and Eve
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were 2 little leaves,
One covered Adam's
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hold,
And filled her with passion,
beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then through the years,
People did screw,
And now it's time,
for me and you.
So pull down you pants,
And lay in the grass,
'Cuz I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
I used to not get on with
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months
I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her
mouth shut!
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)
While making rounds, a doctor points out
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" - "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
Rivkah, a teacher, reminded her class of
Rivkah, a teacher, reminded her class of the following day's final exam. "Now class, I wont tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I'll only consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or a death in your immediate family, but nothing else, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart-arse sitting at the back of the class raised his hand and asked, "What would you say, teacher, if tomorrow I said I couldn't come in because I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, Rivkah smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and replied, "Well, I guess I'd say youd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Great, Hot & Juicy Story
Well, I was loafin' around the salad bar at the burger stand one chili
day on Coney Island, when I Frito-Lay'd my eyes on the sweetest little
tomato I'd ever seen. Let's just say I could tell she wasn't gonna be
ice-cold or taste like some of those cheaper spreads I'd eaten.
So I mustard up my courage and I whispered, "Hey, Mama Bird! You got a
sweet set of sesame-seed buns, and I'd live to bury my open-face in
your McMuffin snack pack. And maybe later I could drive-in my Jumbo
Jack in your Box. So, what's your name, anyway?"
"Wendy," she replied, and said that her buns were always hot and
fresh. Well, it seemed like an invitation to me, so I unzipped my
French-fly, pulled down my hash-browns and whipped out my
Quarter-Pounder.
She took one look at my foot-long Weinerschnitzel and said, "Holy
enchirito, what a Whopper! I haven't seen a sausage and a pair of
McNuggets like that since I was in the sack with Long John Silver over
at the Colonel's place, and I probably won't see another 'til Foster
freezes over. And believe me, I relish the thought of squeezin' the
mayonnaise right outta that big Sloppy Joe of yours."
I said, "Look, honey... those meatheads are just horseradish. I'm the
supreme Burger King around here. And by the way, aren't you hungry?"
"Yeah," she shot back, "I haven't even had my breakfast, Jack." It
wasn't long before she was munching on my Big Mac and eventually took
down the whole enchilada. I could tell I wouldn't be able to hold the
pickles or hold the lettuce much longer, so I just blew a whole gallon
of my lo-cal secret sauce to go. She took a big gulp and giggled,
"Oooh, that's fast food. A bit salty, but quality you can taste... and
finger lickin' good, too!"
She said, "So what's yer name, hot dog? Orange you Julius?"
"No," I replied, but you can call me Pizza Man, 'cause I deliver!"
Well anyway, I turned her around, tore off her wrapper, and wedged my
Big Boy between her patties and right up into her hot cherry bendover.
She screamed, "I FOUND THE BEEF, I FOUND THE BEEF!" which just gave me
the urge to keep pounding my SuperBurrito in and out... in and
out... and in and out... and in and out of her hot little micro.
Well, we were still playing Pup 'n' Taco , when she confessed her real
name wasn't Wendy... but Ronald.
Hey, it wasn't my bag, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about
taking her over to see Dr. Pepper to have him pull a Carl's Jr. out of
her oven.
Yeah, little did I know that I had spend the night not with a saucy
little fish filet, but with a flaming Dairy Queen!
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
The best way
An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor, "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"
The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."
The couple said, "No, no, we trust you."
After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions."
This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge $35, and Medicare pays half of that."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)
Life in the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.
Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets...dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. I wonder if this is where we get the saying "Good night and don't let the bed bugs bite."
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold."
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years.
Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or was a "dead ringer."
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
An old man goes into the Social
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants and see if you can get disability!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)
New Thinking
THE QUESTION: Over a generation ago, in 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat spaculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their day. Now, 80 years later, what ultimately became of them?
THE ANSWER:
1. The president of the largest steel company (Bethlehem Steel), Charles M. Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the New York Stock Exchange, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat spaculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However:
In the same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
THE MORAL: Screw work. Play golf. You'll live longer and be better off in the end.
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)
No Problem, I'm From Chicago
A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him.
The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing.
To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem... just like Chicago in June," the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat and turns the temperature up to 150 and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.
The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200 and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems okay.
The man says, "No problem. Just like Chicago in August."
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat and turns the temperature to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight.
The devil immediately asks the man what's going on.
To which the Chicago man replies...
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!
THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!"
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
Redneck Games
EAST DUBLIN, Georgia - All around the country this summer, state and local fairs will provide entertainment for thousands. But not just any gathering sponsors a watermelon-seed spitting contest, hubcap hurling, pigs'-feet bobbing, and the ever popular mudpit belly flop. For those events and more, you would have to travel to Georgia for the 7th Annual Redneck Games.
The Redneck Games attract more and more people every year, and last year over 12,000 attended the festivities. International film crews have even captured the redneck spirit for the news.
In addition to the mud pits, excruciatingly hot weather, and juicy watermelon, another bonus is the loose dress policy: at the Redneck Games, shirt and shoes AREN'T required.
Read all jokes from:Georgia (+3)
Did you hear about the blonde that
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her.
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)
The car sped off the highway, went
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,
the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were
repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was
on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties,although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent
and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The
Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Read all jokes from:Military (+607)
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went 'ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!' and before he could say 'FUCK OFF!', the dog ate him!"
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
The Question
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your shirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand down her shirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
Top 15 Household Pet Dishes
15> Angelfish Cake
14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye
13> Chow Chow Mein
12> Bran Muffy
11> Eggs BenjiDict
10> Yorkieshire pudding
9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs
8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
7> Shrimp Cockatiel
6> Fettucine AlFido
5> Chicken Poodle Soup
4> Turtlellini
3> Lhasa Thermidor
2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
1> I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
Put That Bikini Back On!
A rather well built woman spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bikini. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there.
She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered, little assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"
"What difference does it make?" she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
Friday, April 29, 2011
While enjoying a drink with a mate
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone
by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink
and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)
Bar business
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the
Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.
Read all jokes from:School (+377)
As most young and weak kids are
As most young and weak kids are, Little Johnny was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Little Johnny's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+647)
the worrier of Chelm
The citizens of Chelm decided that it was inefficient for them all to be doing their own worrying. They had almost decided they would hire Chaim, pay him two rubles a week and he'd do all their worrying for them, but then Moishe asked: "But if we pay him two rubles a week, what will he have to worry about?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Appear on television
Wednesday, October 21, 1992
In July, Danny Fouts and his wife and her sister, in New York City to appear on the "Sally Jessy Raphael" show to discuss their arrest for shoplifting their wedding supplies on their wedding day in March, were arrested for stealing from the New York Ramada Hotel the TV show had booked them in for their stay.
Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
A little girl was out with her
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck
you everytime!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
A man with a plan
Roger lived by himself on a remote stretch of beach. One day as he was riding his horse along the shore he saw a beautiful woman painting a canvas. He rode up and down in front of her, but she didn't react to him.
"I'll paint my horse yellow," he decided, "and then she'll notice me. She'll say,'Oh, I see you have a yellow horse.' I'll start talking to her and then I'll invite her back to my cabin for lunch and we'll have a bottle of wine, and then I'll open another bottle and we'll talk some more, and then it'll start to get cold so I'll light a fire, and we'll be sitting close in front of it. Soon we'll gently touch, then kiss, then make beautiful love all night. Yeah, that's what I'll do."
The next day he painted his horse yellow and went in search of the woman. As he approached she looked up and said, "I see you have a yellow horse."
"Yeah," Roger said. "Wanna get laid?"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
Chunks
This redneck walks into a bar and says, "Give me a coke."
The bartender says, "Nah, you want a beer. Every night you come in and have three beers and leave."
The redneck says, "Yeah but last night I had three beers here then went down the street and had ten more beers. Then I went home and blew chunks."
The bartender says, "Well it happens to the best of us."
The redneck says, "You don't understand! Chunks is my Pit Bull!"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
The Cristmas parrot
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing:
"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
Single woman's prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.
One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.
The single life will do just fine.
So what's up, girlfriend?
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
A seal visits a local bar
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)
Q: What have Posh Spice and Man Utd got in common?
Q: What have Posh Spice and Man Utd got in common?
A: They both play with Beckham.
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
State Capitols
There once was a blonde who was not so bright. Like most blondes, she was sick of people making fun of her so she decides she is going to study and become smarter.
She starts by studying the state capitols. This way the next time someone calls her dumb, she can prove she is smart by saying "ask me a state capitol; I know them all."
The next day she is being her dumb self when someone says "dumb blonde!"
She answers back, "Oh yeah, name any state and I will tell you its capitol."
The person says, "Nevada."
The blonde stands there thinking, "Ummmm umm hmmm," and then she says, "I've got it!"
"Its N."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
love thy neighbor?
one day moshe cohen goes to the rabbi to ask for advice.he says to the rabbi"rabbi,i feel very unholy
ive been very bad to other people."
"moshe"says the rabbi (for he knows him well)"the torah says to love thy neighbor like you love yourself".
"i know"says moshe"what should i do?"
so the rabbi says"go to you front window and stick out your tongue."
"gee,thanks"says moshe"will that make me holy?"
"no,"says the rabbi"but the man opposite your front
window refused to donate tzedakah to the shul"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)
You Might Be A Redneck If... (16)
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You have ever spelled some thing wrong you wrote out in Christmas lights.
You have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
You have ever surrendered to the police in exchange for ciggaretes.
You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
You have ever used a turkey baster bulb to get something out of your ear.
You have ever used lard in bed.
You have ever used spit tobacco as a fish attractant.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
You have gotten a warning to remove vehicles from your own back yard.
You have grease under your toenails.
You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You have more deer heads on your wall than family portraits.
You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
You have more guns than teeth
You have more hair than your dog does.
You have more insurance on your hunting dog than you do on your house.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
You have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob.
You have more than 4 vehicles up on blocks in your yard.
You have more than 5 fast food bags in your car.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house... not including 22 caliber.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.'s name on them than your own.
You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed your hunting dogs.
You have no idea who the President is but you can name five NASCAR drivers in a single belch.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
So who's kidding who?
Maurice and Rifka are a lovely elderly couple, both in their eighties. One day, Rifka says to Maurice, "Do you know what I'd like right now - an ice cream."
"Then I'll go get you one," says Maurice.
"That's sweet of you, dear," says Rifka. "Go get a piece of paper so you can write down what I want. You know how bad your memory is these days."
"Don't you worry," says Maurice, "I won't forget - just tell me what you want."
"I'd rather you wrote it down," says Rifka.
"Please don't argue," says Maurice, "what do you want?"
"I want a cornet with one scoop of raspberry ice cream. Please write it down."
"I don't need to. Do you want anything else?" says Maurice.
"Yes, I'll also have a scoop of chocolate ice cream," replies Rifka.
"Anything else?" says Maurice.
"Yes, I'll have some butterscotch sauce on top of the ice cream. But are you sure you won't write it down?" says Rifka.
"I don't need to, honest. Now do you want anything else?" says Maurice.
"Well now you ask," says Rifka, "I'd like a sprinkling of nuts over the sauce and to finish it off, a glace cherry on top. But will you remember all of that?"
"Yes, dear, stop nagging," says Maurice and leaves to get the order.
50 minutes later Maurice comes back with a parcel. He goes straight to Rifka and proudly announces, "Darling, here's the fried fish you asked for!"
Rifka looks in the parcel, then at him and says, "I knew you would forget something. So where are the chips?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
A husband comes home with a half-gallon
A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if
she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)
Real gone fishing
There's a drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.
Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole in the ice.
Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.
Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."
"Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"
"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)
The illness
Two friends meet in the street. One says, "Is it true, Isaac, that your mother-in law is ill?"
"Yes."
"In fact, Isaac, I heard that she was in hospital."
"Yes."
"How long has she been in hospital, Isaac?"
Isaac replies, "In 3 weeks time, please G-d, it will be a month."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Top ten reasons to become a nurse
1) Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
2) Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
3) Needles: "Tis better to give than receive"
4) Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually.
5) Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
6) Interesting aromas.
7) Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8) Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9) Celebrate all the holidays with your friends - at work.
10) Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
The gift
Rebecca was the wealthy wife of a very successful businessman. One day, she decided to have her portrait painted as a gift to her husband. When she arrived at the artist's studio for her first sitting, Rebecca immediately explained to him exactly what she wanted:
'You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay. BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?'
The artist looked at Rebecca in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phoney jewellery.
Rebecca replied: 'When I die, I know my husband will quickly re-marry. When he does, his new wife will go crazy looking for the jewels'.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A nurse was showing some student nurses
A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)
Hide and seek
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
There were two people having sex in
There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up
and the guy thew the comdom out the window. His girlfriend got
mad at him she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car
and went to find the condom.
He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for
it back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give u a dollar."
"Well," little boy thought, "Okay."
So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what just
what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I
tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
True story from Orange County, California:
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.
This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)
Where is the Bathroom
One day, a brunette walked into a gas station and asked the cashier,"Where is the bathroom?" The casherier replied,"It's all the way in the back, but theres no toilet paper so you have to use a dollar."
So, she goes to the bathroom and walks out of the gas station.
A redhead walks in. She asked the cashier where the bathroom was. He said the same thing. "it's all the way in the back but theres no toilet paper so you have to use a dollar." So, the red head goes to the bathroom and walks out of the gas station.
A blonde walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The cashier replied,"It's all the way in the back but there's no toilet paper so you have to use a dollar."
The blonde goes to the bathroom and come out moaning. "Whats wrong?" The cashier said. "I didn't have a dollar so I used for quarters."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662), Brunette (+87), Redhead (+78)
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Read all jokes from:School (+377)
Doctors
I don't have many aches and pains
And don't need rubs or ointments
But yet it seems I've always got
Some medical appointments.
My doctor looks me over but
he soon realizes,
That what I've got needs the care
Of one who specializes.
No matter who I go to see,
I'm never, ever late,
Appointment time means nothing,
I sit and wait and wait.
I see my ophthalmologist
Because of my glaucoma,
But by the time he gets to me
I'm blind and in a coma.
My dermatologist comes up next,
He says I'm one bad case,
And then proceeds to change
The whole appearance of my face.
My dentist plans new teeth for me,
He'll fix them on the spot,
The only problem is they'll cost
More money than I've got.
And though I kid around a bit,
To them a rousing cheer,
For if I did not have them all,
I doubt that I'd be here.
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)
Q: How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse?
Q: How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse?
A: She can make a patient without disturbing the bed.
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4661)
Tell the truth
A fellow came to a house with a red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was no one in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35."
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is, "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
A: To keep the music out of their eyes.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
Laws For Women To Live By
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
Did you hear about the man who
Did you hear about the man who was half Jewish and half Italian?
He made himself an offer he couldn't understand!
Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)
This one New Yorker married himself a
This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and
brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first
arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in
bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded
condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she ponted it to her
new husband
As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and
asked "What they don't use those things where you come
from?"
"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium
KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly: when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)
Why nothing is better than sex
1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.
2. Nothing is free.
3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.
4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.
5. It's perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.
6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't get sued for it.
7. Keep those hard-earned pounds -- do nothing!
8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.
9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.
10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.
11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing situations later on.
12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.
13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.
14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.
15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).
16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.
17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.
18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.
19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.
20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
The farmer's story
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
The announcement
At the start of his flight to Tel Aviv, Michael Lebovitz heard the following announcement "We are now going to show you a safety video. There may well be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only five ways to leave your aircraft. So please pay attention."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
The operation
Morris was a very uneducated man, but by ruthless means became very rich. The older Morris got, the richer he got, the richer he got, the more women he had, the more women he had, the less use he was to them.
One day, Morris went to the top surgeon in the business and said, "I want to be castrated."
"You want to be WHAT?"
"I said castrated, my sexual powers are failing. I insist you operate at once."
The surgeon was a bit dubious, but in view of this last statement, and for a fee of $2,000, he carried out the operation.
Some weeks later, Morris was drinking in his local pub, listening to the conversation at the next table.
"I say, Barney," said one of the group, do you think there's any truth to the rumour that if a man gets himself circumcised, it improves his sexual performance?"
Morris quickly left the pub muttering to himself "Circumcised, that was the word I've been trying to think of."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Dating tips
The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.
The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy. 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex.
The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
Twain's Truth: Familiarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month... unless they're single.
The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4812)
Passing out the offering plate
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)
Three Brothers
Three brothers just off the boat at Ellis Island are questioned by an Immigration Officer, who asks the first, "What is your name?" "Berl" he replies. The Officer says, "Beryl? You can't have a name like that in America. From now on your name is 'Buck.'" He turns to the second brother and says, "What is your name?" "Cheyl" he replies."Cheyl? You can't have a name like that in America. From now on your name will be 'Chuck!'" He then asks the third brother, "And what's your name?" "Schmerl," he replies, "And I'm going back to Poland!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Restaurant etiquette
A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. As the rider approaches, the crawling man whispers through his parched lips, "Water ... please ... can you give ... water ..."
"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
"Necktie?" whispers the man. "I need water!"
"They're only four dollars apiece."
"I need water."
"Okay, okay, two for seven dollars."
"Please! I need water!" the man exclaims.
"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, as he heads off into the distance.
By now the man has lost all track of time, crawling through the desert seemingly for days. Finally, nearly dead, with clothes tattered and skin peeling under the relentless sun, he comes upon a restaurant. Summoning his last bit of strength, he staggers to the door and confronts the head waiter.
"Water ... can I get ... water," the dying man pleads.
"I'm sorry, sir. Neckties required," replies the waiter.
Read all jokes from:Food (+111)
Miranda rights
THE REVISED MIRANDA RIGHTS - VERSION 1
1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set.... GO!!!!!
THE REVISED MIRANDA RIGHTS - VERSION 2
1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking.
2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking.
3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.
THE REVISED MIRANDA RIGHTS - VERSION 3
You are under arrest and ...
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer ______.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day... TOMORROW!!!
Your Arresting Officer __________
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
Why can't sax players play punk music?
Why can't sax players play punk music?
Ever tried to play sax with a pierced lip?
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
A Fitting Purchase
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk, "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
Read all jokes from:Women (+407)
My girlfriend is out in the car
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
Acting his age
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker, the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says. "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4811)
Q: How do you tell the bride at an italian wedding
Q: How do you tell the bride at an italian wedding
A: She's the one with braided arm pits
Q: How do you tell yhe groom at an italians wedding
A: He's the one wearing new construction boots
Read all jokes from:Italian (+654)
Sex limericks
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
Read all jokes from:Limericks (+567)
Top 15 Household Pet Dishes
15 Angelfish Cake
14 Hamster and Cheese on Rye
13 Chow Chow Mein
12 Bran Muffy
11 Eggs BenjiDict
10 Yorkieshire pudding
9 Shih- Tzu Kabobs
8 Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
7 Shrimp Cockatiel
6 Fettucine AlFido
5 Chicken Poodle Soup
4 Turtlellini
3 Lhasa Thermidor
2 Rex- Mex Enchihuahuas
1 I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201), Lists (+730)
What do they do?
Jewish Women: They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream, sing when they want to cry, cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They wait by the phone for a "I got home safely" call after a friend drives home in a storm. They are childcare workers, executives, lawyers, and stay-at-home mums. They fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. They want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a Jewish woman is what makes the world spin! They do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
Jewish Men: They are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing bugs.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
My son the...
Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic lady says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 6".. he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God... '."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
I'm Out Of Estrogen!
Here are some of women's favorite bumper stickers:
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
AND YOUR POINT IS...?
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY... I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE!
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
Ten Things A Cat Thinks About
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!
Read all jokes from:Lists (+729)
Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Torah more, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Torah diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair... " To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
The fight
Moishe had a fight with Sadie, his wife, and went to the cinema to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologise.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making, you bast**d? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."
Moishe replies, "So make just one portion, I'm not coming home."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
"I must take every precaution not to
"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
This guy is walking with his friend
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend replies "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
I have found at my age going
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when your wife gives up fooling around for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
Orthodox businessman
Overheard on the street in New York: a man with a long beard, black clothes, black hat and payes on a cel phone stating, "I am at your service 24/6."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
How to Impress an Italian Lady
How to Impress an Italian Lady:
Wine her,
dine her,
hug her,
support her,
compliment her,
suprise her,
smile at her,
hold her,
romance her,
laugh with her,
shop with her,
cuddle her,
go to the end of the earth for her...
How to Impress an Italian Man:
Show up naked,
Bring Beer.
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
The big apple
Miss Annabelle has just returned from her big trip to New York City and is having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her Southern Belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabelle. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabelle's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabelle.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabelle.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabelle.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
Miss Annabelle leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
Who can say this sentence?
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
Employee's Ten Comandments
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
Read all jokes from:HR (+462)
Q: How was velcro invented?
Q: How was velcro invented?
A: An italian woman was taking off her sweater and it go stuck to her mustache
Read all jokes from:Italian (+654)
The italian waiter
- Waiter... Waiter... Do you have frog legs?
- No!... I always walk this way!
- Waiter... Waiter... Do you have frog legs?
- Yes Sir! - Then hop over there and get me a sandwich !
- Waiter... Waiter... There is a fly in my soup!
- Not for long Sir! Look at the spider on the side of your plate !
- Waiter... Waiter... There is a hair in my soup!
- For $2.00 what do you want!? the whole wig!?
Read all jokes from:Italian (+653)
Dumb Crooks Roundup
BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison - for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's injury is punishment enough.
HEY - WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?
A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store... and called the police.
OOPS! OF THE WEEK
A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you're going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant - where cops found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.
I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!
During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
I THOUGHT THIS'D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY'D LOOK...!
A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.
AND FINALLY...
Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record - the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
All the toilet seats at the police
All the toilet seats at the police station were stolen. The thief is still at large. The police are having a time figuring it out, and they have nothing to go on.
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
Building Bill's House
Now if I were Bill Gates' contractor we'd have this discussion...
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there.
"
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "Sigh. Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it... nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
Dumb Jew
A Jew and a Christian are being chased by the cops
the Christian driver asks the Jew if the cops are still after them.
The Jew asks how do i know?
Christian: are there bright lights on a car behind us?
Jew: yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Prison vs. work
In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison, you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison, you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work, you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison, you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, you get your own toilet.
At work, you have to share.
In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you aren't suppose to speak to your family and friends.
In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison, you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.
In prison, you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison, there are sadistic wardens.
At work, we have managers.
Read all jokes from:Professional (+1060)
A regular Friday night poker game was
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong
well after midnight when one of the players returned from
the bathroom with an urgent report.
"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen
making love to your wife."
"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively
the last deal."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
American in Israel
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his friend and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredrick Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I've never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
Read all jokes from:Sales (+103)
Reading between the lines
Lawrence meets his friend in Golders Green and asks, "You don't look too happy, Nathan. How's business?"
"Oy, don't ask," replies Nathan, sadly.
"OK, I understand," says Lawrence, "but don't worry. For this time of year, that's not too bad."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
Dad gets with it
A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)
An old bloke in the Northern Territory
An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water.
"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks." As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls.
The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.
"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
The sermon
The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the shames to come over.
The Rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up."
The shames replied, "You put him to sleep. You wake him up."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)
Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you tell him the joke about David & Goliath?
Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you tell him the joke about David & Goliath?
A: No, he already fell for it once.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)
Batsman and Wicket Keeper
The nervous young batsman was having a terrible time and was lucky to still be at the crease. During a lull, he stammered to the wicket keeper, 'Well, I expect you've seen worse players.'
Silence....
He said 'I said I expect you've seen worse players.'
'I heard you the first time. I was just trying to think.'
Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)
The honeymoon surprise
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fianc
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)
The trial
At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.
After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.
He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
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