Four women were out on the golf course, when one pointed out a white blur approaching from a distance. As it grew closer, they could see it was a streaker drawing near. As the nude guy ran past the women one said, "My golly, which is that? Was that Dick Green?"
Another answered, "I don't think so. I think it was just the reflection."
A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach said: "You're such a big guy - why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," - replied the lineman, - "but she's much better!"
Top ten ways to annoy your waiter.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
The laws of golf
1. No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
2. Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
3. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
4. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
5. No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
6. The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
7. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
8. Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
9. Palm trees eat golf balls.
10. Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
11. Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
12. A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
13. All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
14. Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
15. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
16. "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
17. The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
18. The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
19. Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
20. All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.
Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quick without her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps up and says "what the hell was that?", the Invisableman replies "I don't know but my ass sure hurts."
A woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is undone. The woman kindly says: "excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open". Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper. He decides to play into her unusual comment: "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman responded by saying: "no, all I saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle bags"
After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," - cried the man - "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" - asked the man.
The doctor replied: "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?"
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" - asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
