A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff.
"What we're really looking for here," - said the chairman, - "is what you might call a "Chief Worrier"! Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we'd be
prepared to pay $75,000 a year. Interested?"
"Certainly!" - said the applicant - "But - you'll pardon me for saying this, I hope - where on earth is Sheffield Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?"
"Ah!" - said the chairman - "That would be your first worry."
Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says: "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"
The rear tiger says: "Sorry" and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says: "I said stop it!"
The rear tiger says: "sorry" and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger: "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
A man is caught by cannibals. To escape the Island of Cannibals he has to survive 3 tents. In the first tent is ten bottle of Vodka. In the second tent there is a tiger with a toothache. In the third tent he has to sexually pleasure a lady.
So he goes into the first tent and about 10 minutes later comes out so drunk that he is about to pass out. He goes into the second tent. For about 20 minutes you here the man screaming and getting scratched. He comes out and he says: "Where's the lady with the toothache?"
A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that of his mischievous side.
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says: "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients." The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says: "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients." Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time another voice in head says: "but you're a veterinarian."
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital."How are you grandpa?" - he asks.
"Feeling fine" - says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?" - he says, - "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," - replies the Sister. - "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one" - gasped the wide-eyed lad - "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" - said the young girl.
"Alright," - said the doctor. - "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" - said the girl. - "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," - said the doctor. - "Madam, please stick out your tongue."
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said: "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said: "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said: "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage: "Hey DeBakey... Is that you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively: "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris: "Try doing your work with the engine running."
