There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
This poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."
Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day?
A: Mice cream.
An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says: "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says: "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says: "I guess I should buy you a drink too."
The 80 year-old woman says: "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Alright" says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says: "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."
The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Comin' right up" the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says: "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The woman replies: "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"
The Bible teaches to love your neighbor, and Kama-Sutra explains how.
This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The customer was really annoyed; she pointed to the corner of the shop and asked: "No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"
The butcher frowned at her. "That" - he replied - "is my son-in-law."
"You look like a sensible girl. Will you marry me?"
"No way. I'm quite as sensible as I look!"
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. They placed the message "HE'S LYING" in the copier, and pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed to the police.
Q. Why is a sorority girl like a doorknob?
A. Cause everybody gets a turn.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.".
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said: "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog: "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said: "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said: "Meow"...
STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.
The following rules shall also apply:
- On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip credits.
- Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.
- All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.
- If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board.
- Anyone caught smiling will undergo counseling.
- Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.
