Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: Oh about 45 pounds.
Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.
Once there was two aliens that they came down to earth looking for jobs. One of them went to work at a Restaurant and the other went to work at a candy store. One day as they came down the street, they found a dead man on the ground. A police man shows up and asks: "How did you kill this man?"
One of the aliens said, with forks and knifes. The police man said you are going to jail.
One of the aliens replied back "goodie gum drops, goodie gum drops."
Attorney: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.Edgington at the Rose Chapel?
Pathologist: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Edgington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Pathologist: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.
Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around
Fans: Two sets of abusive referees
Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.
Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers
Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal when he is fed a bad ball
Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty area
Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.
PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:
Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.
Exercise No. 1:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.
Exercise No. 2:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Don't breathe. REPEAT again in case the first time wasn't effective enough. Repeat all steps on the other breast.
Exercise No. 3:
Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees).Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
Redneck Defined
- You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- You and your dog use the same tree.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
- The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending upon how much gas it has in it.
A little boy goes up to his mom and says: "Mommy can take a shower with you?" The mom says no, so the boys goes: "Please it's my birthday". "Ok" - says the mom - "Just don't look up or down". "Ok I promise" - says the boy. But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks up and says: "Mommy what are those?" - so the mom says "Those are my headlights". "Oh" - says the boy. Then he looks down and says: "Mommy what is that?" - so she says: "that's my bush". "Oh" said the boy.
So later the boy goes up to his dad and says: "Daddy can take a shower with you?" and the dad says "No". "Please it's my birthday". "Ok" - said the dad - "Just
don't look down". "Ok, I promise" - said the boy.
But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks down and says: "Daddy what's that?" - so the dad says - "That's my snake". "Oh" - said the boy.
So later that night the boy says: "Mommy, Daddy can I get in bed with you I had a bad dream". "No" - say his parents. "Please it's my birthday". "Ok" - said his parents - "Just don't look under the covers". "Ok I promise" - said the boy.
But as soon as he's in the bed he looks under the covers and screams: "Mom turn your head lights there's a snake in your bush!"
A second grader asked her mother the age-old question: "How did I get here?" Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you too?" - asked the child.
"Yes, Dear" - the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" - the child persisted.
"He sent them also" - the mother said.
"Did he send their parents too?" - asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did" - said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
The less you know the more money you make.
Proof:
We know that
a) Time is Money
b) Knowledge is Power
and from Physics
c) Power = Work / Time
By simple substitution:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Knowledge * Money = Work
Money = Work / Knowledge
It follows that as knowledge goes to 0, money goes to infinity.
