Q. Why does an elephant take a shower?
A. Because he can't fit in the bathtub!
A man and his wife are driving down the highway having a fight over the husband sleeping with another woman. The wife takes out a knife and cuts of the mans penis and throws it out the window. The penis splats onto the windshield of the car that is following and rolls off. The 14 year old girl riding with her dad says: "What was that Dad?" The father says: "It was just a bug, honey". The daughter replies: "WOW Dad, that bug sure had a big dick".
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says: "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So" - says the second drunk - "What's your point?"
"Well" - says the first - "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
There once was a blonde, a brunette and a red head and they were stranded in the desert and there car broke down and they all decided to take one item with them. So the burnet took her cell phone just in case she got a signal some where she could call for help. The red head took her canteen of water. The blond took the car door. After walking for 3 hours the blonde said: "Oh yah I forgot I carried this door the whole time and forgot to roll down the window, no wonder I have been so hot".
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you" - he announced - "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" - he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble" - came the reply.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks.
Hillary says to Janet: "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his."
Janet responded: "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks: "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?"
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton.
So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, that's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down, that's $440,000, leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. Now let's have a look at your financial statements.
Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of course and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher?
And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library? In Little Rock? Arkansas? Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.
Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 year - assuming, of course, she's elected, so even with your pension you're still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial.
Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You tried to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. But no one was interested? But you have other experience? I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development
Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. You actually did go to Yale you claim? A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail.
This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay. Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine.
Let's look at your assets: you owe $4.5 million Mr. Clinton? How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you're relying on the kindness of strangers.
You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school?
Any legal problems? I see a $90,000 fine for perjury. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you're not lying on you loan application? Of course it would look a lot better if you WERE lying.
Are there any other legal matters we should know about? Mrs. Clinton? You don't think she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap.
But we're not totally sure, right? That means there's a remote possibility-note that I say "remote" that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and while Mr. Clinton is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.
Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to over 22 times your annual income that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. And a looming criminal indictment. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.
We’ll give you a call...
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That is what their students are for.
Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
