15 jokes: January 2012

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Top ten things you don't want to hear in surgery

1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em

10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)

Growing Older

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787), Medical (+1843)

My Paw

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and siddles up to the bar and announces:

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

A woman and her friend are visiting

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend visits her the next day and asks "Are you hurt?"

She replies, "Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

A woman and her lover are on

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when
all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.
"Oh, no, it's my husband!"
The man says, "Where's your back door?"
"We don't have a back door" says the woman.
The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)

The importance of research

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. "Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"

Read all jokes from:Student (+358)

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)

Reverend Fuzz

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)

Cars Like Computers

If cars were like computers they would:

1. ask you "are you sure you want the airbag to come out?" if you have a crash.
2. everytime you want to do ssomething you have to open the window(s)
3. everytime you want to shut it down you have to go to start, shutdow and press ok
4. if you dont do above, you have to wait for it to wait for about 5 minuets for it to check the disk
5. the more information is stored on it, the slower it will go.
6. if you get just too much stuff on it (like what happened to me), you have to break all the windows and get new ones

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)

Stupid Stunts

LOUISIANA - A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

UTAH - A 24-year-old man was arrested after his girlfriend accidentally tipped him off to police. She was merely trying to reach him on his cell phone to find out where he was. The problem was that the criminal left his cell phone at the crime scene. Police noticed the phone ringing during the middle of their investigation and answered. The girlfriend asked, "Are you with [the suspect]?" Police replied, "No, but we will be shortly." Lt. Doug Edwards told reporters about the difficulty of being a criminal. "A life of crime is pretty tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid."

NORTH MIAMI BEACH, Florida - In a valiant and, unfortunately, successful effort, a bank robber in Florida made out with a bag of cash after a couple of painful mishaps. Not only did the man accidentally shoot himself with the semi-automatic pistol that he threatened the cashier with, he was then hit by a van as he fled the bank. The man was helped out from underneath the vehicle by unsuspecting pedestrians and proceeded to escape in an awaiting getaway car. Police are now hot on the case in search of a rich man with a bullet wound and tire tracks.

BRNO, Czechoslovakia - A Czech prisoner could end up serving a longer sentence after guards heard voices coming from his backside. Prison wardens in Brno say they discovered the 48-year-old had hidden a tiny walky-talky up his butt. He was allegedly using it to communicate with his wife to arrange bribes for investigators and lawyers involved in the case against him. She would park her car a few hundred meters from the prison every day. "I have worked here since 1996 but I can't recollect ever finding anything stuck in such parts," said Sona Haluzova, spokeswoman for the Brno prison.

ILLINOIS - A 42-year-old, Wood River, Illinois, man was sentenced to 12 years in prison after robbing the same pharmacy he hit 20 years ago. Robert Crosno's 1982 robbery attempt also failed. He served six years in prison. The kicker? The clerk he held-up in 1982, Vicki Meyers, still worked at the pharmacy this time around. Meyers is not happy Crosno could be paroled after six years. "In six years I won't be retired yet," she said.

MADRAS, India - Residents of a southern Indian village allowed their children to by buried alive as part of a ritual "thanksgiving" service to two Hindu goddesses. In preparation for the ritual the children endured intensive prayer sessions and a 30-day fast. Before being buried, the children were rendered unconscious from the preparations. A good thing, too! If the children were not unconscious by the time they were to be buried, the families would be charged a 35 dollar blasphemy fee each. They were only underground for a brief time and suffered no ill-effects.

GAINESVILLE, Fla. - Marcus Isom claimed a spiritual advisor from Miss Cleo's psychic hotline led him to kill the wrong man. Apparently Isom believed the man he killed, Lemuel James Larkin, had stolen $15,000 in drug money from him and ordered his death to retaliate. Isom has been sentenced to life in prision. Miss Cleo declined to comment.

TOKYO - A 13-year-old boy told his father someone broke into his home and started a fire in the living room. The father reported the crime to police. After police investigated and found no evidence of a burglary, the boy admitted to making up the story to cover up the fact he didn't do his homework. He even put fire to a stack of newspapers and a computer. Talk about going the distance.

LOS ANGELES - Tyrone Jermaine Hogan picked the wrong car to mess with when he attempted to carjack the Florida Inter- national University judo team. After having completed one carjacking that evening, Hogan drove six blocks to a service station where he encountered a member of the team and attempted to reach in the van and steal the keys. The men proceeded to wrestle him to the floor until the police got there. "We had this guy like a pretzel on the ground," said instructor Nestor Bustillo. Looks like Hogan needs to go back to carjacking school.

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic - When flying into the United States it's better not to make comments to your fellow passengers to the effect of, "It's much easier to smuggle weapons onto planes in the Dominican Republic." The unidentified man made the comment to two North American passengers just moments after takeoff. They wasted no time in informing the flight crew that a potential maniac was on board and the pilots landed the plane immediately. Police arrested the passenger on the ground, but discovered he was not armed with any weapons, or wits for that matter.

Read all jokes from:Law (+1199)

The Obituary

After living out their retirement years in Miami Beach, Sam Goldberg passes away. His wife, distraught over the passing of her husband of 65 years, goes to the newspaper to discuss Sam's obituary.
The obituary editor says to Ruth, "tell me about your late husband." Ruth proceeds to tearfully extol Sam's virtues to the heavens... his incredibly charitable nature, his unsurpassed philanthropy, his impeccable business ethics, his excellence and loving nature as a husband, father, brother, son.
After 20 minutes of praise, the editor interrupts Ruth, saying, "Unfortunately, Mrs. Goldberg, due to the preponderance of elderly people in Miami Beach, this newspaper, unlike in the past, can no longer to afford to print lengthy obituaries at no cost, irrespective of how wonderful your late husband was. Our current policy is to offer you the first five words for free, and each additional word will cost you ten cents."
Ruth ponders this for a while, and then says to the editor, "okay, then, please print this... "

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)

Crashing Supermodels

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"

Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses' Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy' Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see'" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+966)

Period

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+647)

A cop sees a car weaving all

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on
her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a
couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)

Beer troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)

The plaque

One shabbes morning, Rabbi Levy notices seven year old David staring up at the large plaque hanging in the shul foyer. It was covered with names and small British flags were mounted on either side of it. David has been staring at the plaque for some time, so Rabbi Levy walks over to him and says quietly, "Good shabbes, David."
"Good shabbes, Rabbi," replies David, still focusing on the plaque. "Rabbi, what is this?" David then asks.
"Well, David," replies Rabbi Levy, "it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stand together, staring at the large plaque. Then little David's voice is barely audible as he asks, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)

Breaststroke

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)

Two copies

A young blonde executive was leaving the office one evening when she noticed the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my assistant has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," she replies, flattered that the CEO had asked her for help. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the START button. "Excellent!" replied the CEO, "I'll need two copies."

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662)

A husband comes home with a half-gallon

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if
she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)

What my daddy told me

Daddy told me long ago,
"Son, don't play with your dick.
Your teeth will rot, your nose will grow,
It's sure to make you sick."

"Your palms will get all hairy,
Or so I've heard it said.
You'll grow up to be a fairy
Just like your uncle Ned."

"Your bones will crack, your skin will crawl
Your back will always ache.
You won't grow more than four feet tall.
Your knees will start to shake."

"Your tongue will get all mushy,
Your hair will all turn green,
And then you'll lose your tushy
Before you turn thirteen."

"Your ears will flop, your eyes will cross,
Your crotch will start to smell.
Your brain will turn to applesauce.
You'll die and go to hell."

"And if they ask me how you died,
I'll tell them you were sick.
But in my heart I'll know I lied.
It's 'cause you pulled your prick!"

Daddy went to work this morn
And Mommy's in the kitchen.
I think I'll get out Daddy's porn
And give myself a twitchin'.

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)

Funeral Procession

A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it's lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people.

A bystander asks the man, "What's going on?"

"My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral," is the reply.

"Could I borrow your lion?" asks the bystander, "I've got a lawyer I'd like to have eaten."

"Sure, get in line."

Read all jokes from:Law (+1199)

Turn back your car odometer

Paris Hilton made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with Nicole Richie.

Nicole Richie suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied Paris Hilton. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied Nicole. In a quiet voice, she told Paris: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here.
Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the Paris Hilton took a trip to the mechanic on the Nicole's advice.

About one month after that, both of them met and Nicole asked, "Did you sell your car'"

"No!" replied Paris Hilton. "Why should I' It only has 40,000 miles on it."

Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+966)

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor
goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor
goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I
had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

"Congratulations!
Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the
newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for
two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took
advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore,
either."

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)

Genesis: The Modern Version

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"
And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments.
And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)

Monday, January 30, 2012

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY

1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em

10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1842)

Judi and a brunette were discussing their

Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)

The message

Morris was in his front garden mowing the lawn when his attractive blonde neighbour came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later, she came out of her house again, went to her mailbox, opened it, slammed it shut and went angrily back into the house.
A few minutes later, she came out again, marched to her mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, Morris had to ask her, "Is something wrong, Sharon?"
"There certainly is, Morris! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)

A man goes into a bar with

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus
CAN'T play"
The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn,
loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been
watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100."
The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle.
Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says "What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!"
The octopus says, "Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!"

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200), Bar (+1637), Sex (+4812)

A lady from Chicago was visiting New

A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant.

"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "Here in the East we think breeding is everything."

"Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied. "Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4811)

The board meeting

Rabbi Levy finishes yet another of his long, dry and somewhat boring sermons. This time, however, before he sits down, he announces to his congregation that he wishes to meet with the shuls Board of Representatives immediately after the service.
The first man to arrive and greet Rabbi Levy is a total stranger to him. "Thanks for coming," says the rabbi, "but you must have misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the Board."
"Yes I know," says the man, "but if there's anyone here more bored than I am, then Id like to shake his hand."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)

Parting words

Three buddies are sitting around talking one day when they begin to discuss what they would like their friends and families to say about them as they're laying in their caskets at their funerals.

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!! HE'S MOVING!!!"

Read all jokes from:Family (+438)

Q: How do you tell a brown bear from a grizzly bear?

Q: How do you tell a brown bear from a grizzly bear?
A1: Climb a tree. If the bear climbs it and eats you, it's a brown bear.
A2: If the bear knocks the tree down and eats you, it's a grizzly.

Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a dustbin."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a dustbin."
"Now you're just talking rubbish."

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)

Redneck Games

EAST DUBLIN, Georgia - All around the country this summer, state and local fairs will provide entertainment for thousands. But not just any gathering sponsors a watermelon-seed spitting contest, hubcap hurling, pigs'-feet bobbing, and the ever popular mudpit belly flop. For those events and more, you would have to travel to Georgia for the 7th Annual Redneck Games.

The Redneck Games attract more and more people every year, and last year over 12,000 attended the festivities. International film crews have even captured the redneck spirit for the news.

In addition to the mud pits, excruciatingly hot weather, and juicy watermelon, another bonus is the loose dress policy: at the Redneck Games, shirt and shoes AREN'T required.

Read all jokes from:Georgia (+3)

Painting

One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home, he noticed that she was digging through the closet, looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said, "the paint can said, for best results, to use two coats."

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662)

The Devil and the golfer

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Read all jokes from:Golf (+379)

A big-game hunter went on safari with

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Read all jokes from:Hunting (+66), In-law (+105)

The dinner party

Freda and Moshe Levy won 8 million pounds in the National Lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in Northwood, surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After much searching, they found the perfect one.
One day, they instructed the butler to set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the Cohens, over for dinner and they will be going out for the day.
When they returned that evening, they found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four, the butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Bagels."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)

I knew a blonde so stupid she

I knew a blonde so stupid she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4661)

Time off for a happy event

Issy went to see his personnel manager. "Could I please have this Friday off so that I can have a long weekend?"
"Why?"
"Because my wife is expecting a baby," Issy replied.
"But of course you can, Issy," came the reply. "Why didn't you say so in the first place? When is the event due?"
"About nine months after I get home."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)

Is Windows a Virus?

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are beginning to ask themselves if Windows is a virus.
In response to the high demand for an answer to that question, a study was done and concluded the following:

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference! Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

In conclusion, Windows is not a virus.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)

Business failure

Benny was talking to his best friend Harry. "You know Harry, I can't understand why you failed in business. You had such good ideas."
"Too much advertising was the main reason for my failure," replied Harry.
"But I can't remember you spending a penny on advertising all your life," said Benny.
"You're correct there," said Harry, "but all my competitors did."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)

A young Army 1st Lt. is in

A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving
himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy,
seeing the young Lt.'s green uniform asks him if he was in the
Army. The Lt. smiles and say's, "Why yes I am...you wanna
wear my hat?" The boy nods and the hat is placed on his head.
As the boy admired himself in the mirror, the bathroom door
slammed open and an old Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt walked in.
He was decked out in his Dress Blue Uniform, with medals down
his chest. The boy, seeing the uniform asked him, "Hey, are
you a Marine?" The Gunnery Sgt peared down at the boy and
responded, "That's right! Why? Do wanna suck me off?" The
boy replied nervously, "I-I-I'm not in the Army!! I'm just
wearing his hat!!"

Read all jokes from:Military (+607)

Who knows?

Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of life insurance (his) - an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.
"Issy," she says, with tears in her eyes, "I don't think you love me."
"Why do you think that?" he asks.
"Because if you really love me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for."
"Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head."
"I know your views," says Sarah, "but I've spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance - and they're not as rich as you. If it's good enough for them, why isn't it good enough for you?"
"I'll tell you why," replies Issy, "it's because they've been paying high premiums month after month and what have they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht."
"So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?" says Sarah, "You've always told me I'm luckier than my friends - who knows, maybe this time I'll strike it rich."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)

The magical dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)

The special banquet

A very distinguished orthodox rabbi dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives, he's greeted by an angel.
The angel says, "You'll be pleased to hear that in honour of your arrival, a special banquet has been prepared. You will be served only the finest meats, fish and pastries."
"Who prepared the banquet?" the rabbi asks.
"Why, none other than Moshe Rabeinu," answers the angel.
"And who is the mashgiach?" the rabbi asks.
"Why God himself," replies the angel.
"Thank you very much," says the Rabbi, "but I'll just have the fruit plate, if you don't mind."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)

The Confession

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."

Read all jokes from:Men (+300), Religious (+827), Sex (+4813)

The rabbit and the bear

There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest and they`re running and running and they stop because a genie appears. The genie says " if you two stop fighting and chasing each other i`ll give you each three wishes"
They agree. The bear wishes first for the biggest "package" of all the bears in the whole forest.And His wish comes true. The rabbit then wishes for an unlimited supply of carrots. His wish is granted too. The bear`s second wish is that all the bears in the forest, except him, are female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. The bear`s last wish is that all the bears fall madly in love with him. The rabbit`s final wish is that the bear becomes gay, and the rabbit jumps on His motorcycle and rides away.

Read all jokes from:Bear (+405)

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"

It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.

"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks.

Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Cold In Alaska

A couple decided go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again".

She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

Read all jokes from:America US (+264)

What a Man Hears

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)

The Japanese tourist

A tourist from Japan is walking the streets of Manhattan. He is trying to find Bloomingdales Department Store, without success. He stops an elderly Jewish-Polish woman, and asks: "Excuse me. Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"
"You found Pearl Harbour. Find Bloomingdales!"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6994)

You know you're from California when...

* The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

* You were born somewhere else.

* You know how to eat an artichoke.

* The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

* Your car has bullet-proof windows.

* Left is right and right is wrong.

* Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

* Your mouse has only one ball.

* You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

* You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

* You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

* You drive to your neighborhood block party.

* Your family tree contains "significant others."

* Your cat has its own psychiatrist.

* You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

* You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

* More than clothes come out of the closets.

* When "the Dead" are best live.

* You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

* More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

* Smoking in your office is not optional.

* You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

* When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch."

* Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

* Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

* You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

* You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

* A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

* When all highways into the state say: "no fruits."

* All highways out of the state say: "Go back."

Read all jokes from:Travel (+295)

Cricket Vampire

Mrs Jones : I'd like my son to be excused playing cricket. I don't think he should mix with that sort of person.
Teacher: How d'you mean?
Mrs Jones: Well; I distinctly heard him say that the man in the white coat was a vampire!

Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)

Describe professions

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

Read all jokes from:HR (+462)

A gift for his mother-in-law

Two guys were talking at work.

"I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

Read all jokes from:Family (+437)

Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock

10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.

9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.

8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.

7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.

6. One word: polkas.

5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.

4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.

3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]

2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.

1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)

You might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if...

If the sticker on your computer says, "My other computer is a laptop."
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn't a power company.
If you start all your e-mails with the words: "Howdy y'all!"
If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT."
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."
If your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If your wife said either she or the computer "had to go," and you still don't miss her.
If you've ever been to "http://www.hee-haw.com."
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."
When you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can't write your name.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
When your friends comment on your "nice boots" and you say "Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."
When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, "Cow Tipping Configuration."
When your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.
When you're honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn't cover damage from "Bovine Saliva."
When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom's.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady.
Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free."
Ya think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous."
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think MB stands for "More Beer."
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, "My momma."
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.
You've ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.

Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Redneck (+1460), Technology (+1818)

Heaven & Hell

HEAVEN is where:
The police are British
The chefs Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it's all organised by the Swiss

HELL is where:
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organised by the Italians!!

Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)

The college dictionary

CAFETERIA: From 2 Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and "teria" meaning to wretch.

MAJOR: Area of study that no longer interest you.

STUDENT ATHLETE: See "contradiction in terms."

GRADE: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.

SUMMER SCHOOL: A viable alternative to a summer job.

QUARTER: The most coveted form of currency on campus.

HUNGER: Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)

I've got it!

Sidney, a Jewish scientist, wanted to know where the sun went after it set. He went around asking the other scientists, but they didn't know either. Pretty soon he had the whole of his science department trying to figure it out. They puzzled over it for a long time but they couldn't come up with an answer. In fact they sat up all night thinking about it until finally it dawned on them.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)

The computer dating agency picked me out

The computer dating agency picked me out as an ideal boyfriend.
But who wants to go out with a computer!

Read all jokes from:Men (+299)

Are You From Southern California?

You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
A family of four owns six vehicles.
Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
And finally, a question:

Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.

Read all jokes from:You live in if (+45)

Sometimes when I reflect back on all

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)

Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?

Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?

A: DUCK!

Read all jokes from:Military (+606)

Kosher Computers

I don't know if you know this, but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel ) called a DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

a. The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives:one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

b. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, it now gets "Ferklempt."

c. The Chanukah screen saver includes "Flying Dreidels."

d. It shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

e. After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

f . The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

g. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

h. The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

i. Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

j. I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.

k. Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

l. When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with a "You vant I should fix this?"message.

m. When my PC is running low on memory, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"

n. There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

o. After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."

p. Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

q. "Year 5761-5762" issues have replaced the Y2K problem.

r. If you fail to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."

s. When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"

t. When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."

u. And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam in your e-mail.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6995)

Spoofs on college names

In each of these examples, the actual name of the college is written first. Then, after each, spoofs are written about each college name.

Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.

Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.

Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.

Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.

King's College.
Queen's College.
Jack's College (formerly Knave's College).
Ten's College.
Ace's College.

Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.

Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.

University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.

Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.

Argonne National Labs.
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.

Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.

University of Wisconsin - Madison.
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
University of Wisconsin - Stout.
University of Wisconsin - Porter.
University of Wisconsin - Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin - Night Train.
University of Wisconsin - Everclear.

Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.

Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.

George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.

McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.

Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
UnState University.
Out of State University.

McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.

McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.

Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.

Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University.

South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.

BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.

Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.

Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.

Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.

Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.

Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.

Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.

Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.

Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.

Universite' de Montre'al.
Universite' Laval.
Universite' Trudeau.
Universite' Mulroney.

University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.

Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.

Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.

Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.

Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.

Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.

College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.

Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.

Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.

Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.

Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.

Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.

Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.

Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.

Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.

Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.

Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.

Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.

IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.

Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.

Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.

Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.

Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.

Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.

Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.

Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.

Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.

College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.

Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.

Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.

Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.

Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.

Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.

Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.

Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.

Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.

Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.

Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.

Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.

Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.

Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.

Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.

Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs University.

Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.

Read all jokes from:Student (+358)

A seal visits a local bar

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)

You might be an engineer if...

... Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

... You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

... In college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

... The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.

... At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

... You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

... You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

... You see a good design and still have to change it.

... You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

... You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

... You window shop at Radio Shack.

... Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

... Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

... You've tried to repair a $5 radio.

Read all jokes from:Engineer (+51)

School daze

(To the tune of Battle Hymn Of The Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm

It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told

I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two

Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea

So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas

But I won't be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known!!

Read all jokes from:College (+414)

The lady complained to her husband, "Why

The lady complained to her husband, "Why don't you buy me a fur coat? I'm always so very, very cold!"

"If you already knew the answer," he replied, "then why did you ask me the question?"

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.
"Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends
three hours every night in your apartment?"
Mrs Smith replied. "Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a
tonic for me."

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)

Patient: 'Doctor, every time I eat fruit

Patient: 'Doctor, every time I eat fruit I get this strange urge to give people all my money.'
Doctor: 'Would you like an apple or a banana?'

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)

Explanation, Please!

There was this couple who had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids."

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

A party of economists was climbing in

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'

Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were having

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were having dinner at an expensive New York restaurant. It was the place to be seen and both had dressed for the occasion. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred wore his smartest morning suit. But the evening was marred when the waiter bringing their deserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge.
'I'm terribly sorry' said the waiter.
You should be' replied Fred 'Thanks to you I've got pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails.'

Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)

A man parks his car and walks

A man parks his car and walks into an office building. As he gets to the elevator, he says "Oh no! I left my bagpipes on the back seat of my car! He runs back to the car. When he gets there, he finds a window smashed out and on the back seat are two more sets of bagpipes.

Read all jokes from:Music (+2466)

Insufficient Funds

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Read all jokes from:Financial (+1217)

The snake and the rabbit

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)

The tourist

A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
"Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
"Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, "You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language... "
"Why?" says his friend, "that bloke knew four languages and that didn't do him any good!"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)

God On Canada

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass near the top of the earth and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "that's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-lines. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely "Wait until you see the loud-mouths I'm putting next to them."

Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)

Two men are flying in a captive

Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are. So they go down to 20 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer. "Could you tell us where we are?"
"You are in a balloon."
So the one pilot to the other:
"The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist"
"Then you must be businessmen", answers the man.
"That's right! How did you know?"
"You have such a good view from where you are and yet you don't know where you are!"

Read all jokes from:Financial (+1216)

A priest is teaching a nun how

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest
"Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)

Irish girl confesses sins

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)

Two builders

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the builder.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the builder replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the builder exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.

On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist.

"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.

"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a tosser then!"

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)

Horse laugh

A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. One guy whispers something in the horse's ear and the horse starts to laugh.

The following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again and offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The guy who won the last week takes the horse off to the bathroom. When they come back, the horse is crying his eyes out.

Amazed, the owner asks the man how he did it.

The man says, "Last week, I told the horse that I had a bigger pecker than him. This week, I showed it to him."

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down at Auburn?

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down at Auburn?
A: Placing a sign on the animals that kick...

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)

Water

(this is a gross one...)

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)

A teacher puts a photograph of a

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur Miss?"

The teacher replies, "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"

The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers, "Is it attached by skin Miss?"

The teacher replies, "Not quite right either, Peter... anybody else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"

Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"

Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)

Sex limericks

A certain sweet girl from Key West
Was uncommonly large in the chest.
Any man's close attention
To her outside dimension
Brought his own measurement to its best.

Read all jokes from:Limericks (+567)

Pinocchio

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love, you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend.

Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls."

To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Monday, January 30, 2012

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Saturday, January 28, 2012

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