View all pictures from:Funny Picture (+2363)
Saturday, July 31, 2010
A young boy came home from school
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."
"What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2428), School (+377)
Things You Never Hear A Woman Say
* Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?
* You take me out too much, can't we just stay in?
* A fake one will do.
* You look stressed out, let me massage your back.
* Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it.
* That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body.
* I hate my Mother.
* No, no, you buy me too much already.
* What headache?
* Put your money away, let me buy the round.
* Don't get up. I'll clean the house, you just watch the game and relax.
Read all jokes from:Women (+407)
Cultural Perspective
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7002)
A mathematical economist came sailing by on
A mathematical economist came sailing by on an ice boat, and pulled to the shore beside the surf-fishing economist to scoff. "You'll never catch any fish that way," said the mathematical economist. "Jump on my ice-boat and we'll go trawling."
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
Sex limericks
There was a Young Man named MacNair
Who buggered his Wife on the Stair.
The bannister Broke...
...Without missing a Stroke
He Finished her off in Mid-Air.
Read all jokes from:Limericks (+567)
New Features in Windows 2000
* With optional metal probe, Microsoft's "Explorer" now explores more than just web sites.
* Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey.
* Built-in Excel macro calculates *exactly* how many times Bill Gates can buy your sorry behind.
* Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites.
* New "No Monopoly To See Here" background featuring a scrolling "Gee you're looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno" message and a dewy-eyed Bill Gates cursor.
* Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your computer.
* Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying "I can't do that, Dave."
* Final installation screen displays the message: "Thank you for upgrading to Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your programs useless."
* First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours of antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers!
* Free technical support until 1901!
* Crashes *twice* as fast as Windows 98!
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
Dog life...
Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?
Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
The teacher asked little Johnny if he
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A Jack."
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
There once was a hermit named Dave
There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
She was missing a tit.
She smelled like shit.
But think of the money he saved!
Read all jokes from:Limericks (+566)
After putting her children to bed, a
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was *that*?"
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2426)
Finally Together
Sadie is a beautiful girl. She could have been an actress but instead she decides to get married young and raise a large family. In no time at all she has ten children. Then suddenly her husband passes away - and Sadie is still only 42.
But it doesn't take our Sadie long to find a new husband. She quickly remarries and finds happiness once more. She could have decided that ten children was enough, but instead has eight more by her new husband. He dies when Sadie is still only 64 years old.
Maybe having so many children took it out on Sadie's poor body because only a few months later, Sadie herself passes away. At her funeral, the Rabbi looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."
Sadie's eldest son says, "Rabbi, do you mean mum and my father, or mum and my stepfather?"
The Rabbi replies, "Neither. I mean her legs."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7002)
Rules Men Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
Orange?
A man goes to the doctor, "Doctor, my penis is orange. What can I do about it?"
Doctor scratches his head and says, "I've never seen anything like it. Take these pills and come back in a week and see if there are any changes".
The guy comes back in a week, his penis is still orange.
Doctor says, "Let's see if we can figure out what is causing this. Tell me about your life-style".
Guy says, "I'm single, live alone, just a normal type."
Doctor: "How do you spend your evenings?"
"I like to watch porn videos and eat Cheetos. Why?"
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
A stock analyst and a stockbroker went
A stock analyst and a stockbroker went to the races. The stockbroker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst. "You are too theoretical," said the broker and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!" "What is your secret?" the analyst asked. "It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine." "But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested. "I told you, you are too theoretical!" the stockbroker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1217)
bar joke
A priest, a minister and a rabbi all walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, "What is this - a joke?!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7002)
Moe: My wife converted me to religion
Moe: My wife converted me to religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
Getting squirrely
A man wanted to go hunting, but he couldn't find anyone to go with him. As a last resort, he asked the town drunk to tag along.
The next morning, the drunk was ready and waiting, with a fifth of whiskey. When they got to the woods the old drunk took a seat under a large oak tree. The other man went off to his stand, and told the drunk to make as little noise as possible.
A few hours had passed, so the man went back to check on the drunk. As he got closer, he could hear terrifying screams coming from the drunk. The man yells at the drunk, "I told you to keep it quiet!"
The drunk explains, "I know, I know... but when I sat in a bed of fire ants, I didn't make any noise. Then, when a snake slithered across my feet, I kept quiet. But, I just couldn't take it any longer when that damn squirrel came back for my second nut!"
Read all jokes from:Hunting (+66)
Two neighbors had been fighting each other
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18- wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
If you drop a conductor and a
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
Man: "If I could just see you
Man: "If I could just see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
Food fight in a store
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.
Read all jokes from:Food (+111)
The annoying drums
This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."
The manager says, "No! Drums must never stop. It's very bad if drums stop."
"Why?"
"When drums stop...bass solo begins."
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
Friday, July 30, 2010
A story for the chronologically challenged
It's Fay's 80th birthday and she decides to celebrate it on her own at the Savoy Hotel because they make good drinks there. As soon as she arrives, Fay goes into the bar and orders a whiskey with 2 drops of water.
As the barman gives her the drink, Fay tells him, "I'm 80 years old today, you know."
The barman says, "As it's your birthday, this drink is on me."
"Thank you," says Fay, and she quickly finishes her drink.
Then a woman next to her says, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
"Why thanks," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey with 2 drops of water, please."
"Coming right up," says the barman. Fay again knocks back her drink.
Then a man next to her says, "Mazeltov, madam, may I too buy you a drink?"
"Why yes," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey with 2 drops of water please."
As he hands her the drink, the barman says, "Excuse me for asking but why the whiskey with only 2 drops of water? I'm dying to know."
Fay replies, "It's simple - when you're my age, you know how to hold your liquor, but take it from me, water is something altogether different!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7002)
A redneck story
A man turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Do you want to hear a redneck story?"
The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, and I'm a redneck. You see the guy on the other side of you? That's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the guy next to him? He's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"
The fella says, "Naw, I'd hate to have to explain it three times."
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
Warning!
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
A special circuit in the machine called a 'critical detector' senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use the machine. The 'critical detector' then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
A guy is down on his luck
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino
and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.
I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for... Europe, the Carribean?"
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
7-Iron Curse
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, everytime I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous gas."
He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell.
The docotr says,"H'm, interesting case," and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall.
"What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst.
"I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.
Read all jokes from:Golf (+379)
One day Timmy came home from school
One day Timmy came home from school very excited... "Mommy, Mommy, guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!" His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a bari player."
The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"
"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a bari player."
On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a bari player?"
"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 27 years old."
Read all jokes from:Music (+2466)
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice... "
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4819)
Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary
* "Haven't I seen you before?"
o "Nice butt."
* "I'm a Romantic."
o "I'm poor."
* "I need you."
o "My hand is tired."
* "I am different from all the other guys."
o "I am not circumcised."
* "I want a commitment."
o "I'm sick of playing with myself."
* "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
o "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
* "I really want to get to know you better."
o "So I can tell my friends about it."
* "It's just orange juice, try it."
o "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
* "She's kinda cute."
o "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."
* "I don't know if I like her."
o "She won't sleep with me."
* "I miss you so much."
o "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."
* "Was it good for you?"
o "I'm insecure about my manhood."
* "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
o "Is my love tool really that small?"
* "I had a wonderful time last night."
o "Who the hell are you?"
* "Do you love me?"
o "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
* "Do you 'really' love me?"
o "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
* "How much do you love me?"
o "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
* "I have something to tell you."
o "Get tested."
* "I'll give you a call."
o "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
* "I've been thinking a lot."
o "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
* "I think we should just be friends."
o "You're ugly."
* "I've learned a lot from you."
o "Next!!!!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
I Just Can't Drive Today
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived.
When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2428)
Raised by Squirrels
An baby rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own.
This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to run around like its stepsiblings instead of jumping around.
As the rabbit reached puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis.
It went to its stepparents to discuss the problem. It confessed how it felt different from its stepsiblings and was much forlorn.
Their response was, "Don't scurry, be hoppy."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
3 Nurses and a Wish
A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery.
"I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
The beer prayer
Our lager, which art in barrels,
Hallowed by thy fame.
Thy will be drunk, i will be drunk,
At home, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the ale, the pilsner, and the lager,
Forever and ever.
- AMEN -
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Jewish definitions * Leftovers: something no
Jewish definitions
* Leftovers: something no Jewish meal is complete without
* Tsuris: your son is marrying someone who isnt Jewish
* Unofficial Jewish dietary law number 6: pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants
* Shmata: a dress that your husbands ex-wife is wearing
* Bris: An event where you should never sit in the front row
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7003)
How To Play An Organ
Things were not going well that Sunday...
The young minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
To further complicate things, he found out that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Well, here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
After the choir's anthem, the minister came to the pulpit and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we face a great challenge today... The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Now, any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At precisely that moment, the quick thinking substitute organist played a stirring rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner!"
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.
Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)
Room service
Jacob is staying at a London hotel and decides to phone his friend. He calls the operator and in broken English with a heavy Eastern European/Yiddish accent, he asks for 266418.
Ten minutes later, Jacob hears a knock on his door. When he opens it, he sees two gorgeous, sexy women standing there.
One of them says to him, "Was it you who ordered two shikses for one night?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7002)
Did You Hear About the Blonde?
Did you hear about the blonde who was a pharmacist?
She got fired because she kept breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriter.
Did you hear about the blonde who was called "Sanka"?
She had no active ingredient in the bean.
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.?
She was Mentally Deficient.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
Did you hear about the blonde who, after going to the ballet, wondered why they didn't get taller girls for the ballerinas?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass?
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)
Fitness counts
Jed and Solly, both in their 50s, have been working in the same office for many years and have become close friends. One Monday, despite his age, Jed boasts to Solly about his sexual endurance the night before.
"I did it three times with my wife last night Solly," says Jed, matter-of-factly.
"Oy yoy yoy! Three times," gasps Solly admiringly. "How on earth did you manage that?"
"It wasn't too difficult," replies Jed, modestly. "After my wife and I made love for the first time, I took a 10 minute nap. Then I made love to her again, followed by another 10 minute nap. And then we made love for the third time. I can't describe how I feel, Solly. I woke up this morning feeling like a stallion."
"What a good method," says Solly, "I must try it. Mine Sadie wont believe what's happening to her when I manage to shtup her 3 times in one night. It will be a mekheiyeh for both of us."
So that night Solly surprises Sadie. He makes love to her, then takes a 10 minute nap, makes love to her again, takes another nap, this time for 15 minutes and then makes love to her for a third time. Then, with a smile on his face, he rolls over and falls fast asleep.
Solly wakes up feeling absolutely marvellous. He gets dressed and leaves for work. Rather than get on his usual bus, he takes a leisurely stroll to his office. This makes him 30 minutes late. When he arrives, his boss is waiting for him.
"Whats the matter Mr Jones?" he asks, "Ive been working for you for nearly 25 years and I've never once been late. Surely you're not going to reprimand me for a measly thirty minutes?"
"What do you mean thirty minutes?" says Mr Jones, "where were you yesterday?"
shtup: vulgar for making love
mekheiyeh: a pleasure
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7001)
Night Before Christmas
For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of
the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title
of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious
visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving
rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired
in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous
advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior
portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for
the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of
diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule,
aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent
to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his
undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more
vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated
loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ...
"Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost
exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could
readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal
extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved
-- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the
smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon
residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated
on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed
largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsuite facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his
aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon
completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ,
inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith
affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He
then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common
weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic
yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same
assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
Read all jokes from:Science (+105)
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
hind-lick maneuver
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches forward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right, that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
The Perks of Being Over 50
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. You sing along with elevator music.
4. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
5. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
6. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
7. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
8. Things you buy now won't wear out.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
13. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
14. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
15. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
She: What do you love most, my
She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?
He: Your sense of humor.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
How To Be a Good Wife
This is the text from a 50year old home economics textbook.
"Have his dinner ready. Plan the night before to have a delicious meal ready for him on time. This will let him know that you've been thinking of him and concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the thought of a good meal is part of the warm welcome he needs.
Make yourself look nice. Take a 15 minutes rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives home. Touch up your make-up and put a pink ribbon in your hair. Don't forget he has just been with a lot of work-weary people, so he will need you to look fresh. Be gay and interesting, as his boring day will need a lift.
Clear away the clutter around the house. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives home and gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Run a duster over the tables. Then, when he arrives home, your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order. It will give you a lift too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces, comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimise all noise. As soon as he arrives home, turn off the washer, dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and look glad to see him.
Don't greet him with problems and don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. So make him comfortable. Have him lean back in his armchair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other pleasant entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Your goal is to try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body and spirit."
Read all jokes from:Women (+407)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Bless the guy
Heavenly Father up above;
Bless this guy I truly love.
Bless his hair that sometimes curls;
Keep him away from other girls.
Bless his hands that sometimes roam;
Let them roam on me alone.
Bless his legs that run so fast;
Bless his little sexy ass.
Bless the places where we laid;
Bless the gap which he has made.
Bless the places where we fucked;
Bless my breast on which he sucked.
Bless the places that were dark;
Bless my neck on which he marked.
Bless the thickness of his sperm;
Protect it from numeral germs.
Bless his body I love to quench;
Bless his tongue I love to french.
Bless my voice for when I squeal;
Bless his penis I love to feel.
Bless his ass I love to squeeze;
Bless his balls I love to please.
And if he reads this prayer of mine;
I hope it blows his f*cking mind.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
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