15 jokes: May 2011

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A young couple gets married, and the

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride
if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will
never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has
been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an
explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you,
I put a golf ball in the drawer."

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the
$6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls,
I sold 'em!"

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)

Biological Differences

Even though we can now explain differences between men and women's social conducts genetically (that's the best excuse I've heard for years), several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few centuries away yet...for instance, can you explain why:

* Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.

* Men drive to a party, women drive back.

* Heterosexual women are not frightened by lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals - once they are pointed out to them, by women.

* Men have flu, women have colds.

* Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes. Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.

* Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: (e.g. drink a cup of coffee.) In the same time a multitasking women can make breakfast, make the children's sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and DE-flea the cat. Women have not yet realized this is an evolutionary disadvantage.

* Men warm their posteriors at the fire, women do not. Women's posteriors enable them to sit comfortably on the floor, men's do not.

* A man who regularly visits his mother is a mommy's boy. A women who does the same is a good daughter.

* A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult women will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a nightgown.

* A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo system.

* Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)

Rivkah, a teacher, reminded her class of

Rivkah, a teacher, reminded her class of the following day's final exam. "Now class, I wont tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I'll only consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or a death in your immediate family, but nothing else, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart-arse sitting at the back of the class raised his hand and asked, "What would you say, teacher, if tomorrow I said I couldn't come in because I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, Rivkah smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and replied, "Well, I guess I'd say youd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7001)

Murphy's Combat Laws

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

Murphy's Law The Army Weather Corollaries

Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.

A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.

The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.

There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.

There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.

Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.

Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.

Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?

The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.

Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.

The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.

The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.

If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

Rules of the Rucksack

1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Phillip's Law:

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Weatherwax's Postulate:

The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

Least Credible Sentences:

1. The check is in the mail.
2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.
3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

Brintnall's Second Law:

If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:

1. Refute the last established recommendation.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the paper on.

Oliver's Law:

Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws:

1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.

Rune's Rule:

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):

You get the most of what you need the least.

Hane's Law:

There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Read all jokes from:Military (+607)

One morning, this gay man woke up

One morning, this gay man woke up from a wonderful dream, only to hear his partner in the bathroom making grunting and moaning sounds. The gay man got out of bed, walked down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The gay man looked at his partner, masturbating with a condom on.

"What the hell are you doing???" The gay man asked his partner.

The gay man's partner looked up at him sheepishly, "Oh... I was just packing your lunch!"

Read all jokes from:LGBT (+289)

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)

The E-Mail Blessing

Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.

May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.

May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.

May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a "".

May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children You are to be searching for.

May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating Of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.

May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the Death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.

And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)

Holy perspective

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.

"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.

A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.

"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died!!"

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)

In some foreign country a Athens State

In some foreign country a Athens State Priest, a University of Alabama Lawyer and an Auburn Engineer are about to be guillotined. The Priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go.

The Lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he too, is set free.

They grab the Auburn Engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)

Overwhelming destruction

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself.

He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "And for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

Read all jokes from:Family (+438)

The eight nights of Chanukah

On the first night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the second night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, two matzoh balls and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the third night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the fourth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the fifth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the sixth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the seventh night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, seven rabbis dancing, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the eighth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, eight fiddlers fiddling, seven rabbis dancing, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)

Back on the golf course

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)

Mary was having an affair during the

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband,
John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend,
Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out
the window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the
window and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raining
like hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches us
in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed
his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside
he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he
started running along side the others - only he was still in
the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels so
free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man: "Do you always run
carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly: "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked: "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover? Long time no see."
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman?!?!?"
The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)

The Persistent Duck

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201), Duck (+15)

The talking dog

Broder walks into a bar with a dog on a leash. "Bartender," he says, "I'll have a scotch on the rocks, and a whiskey sour for my dog."

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow dogs in here."

"Just a minute," the dog says. "I'm not used to being treated this way. Maybe you've never seen a talking dog."

"Don't give me no talking dog, mister," the bartender tells Broder. "You're not the first ventriloquist we've had in here."

"Wait, you've got it all wrong," says Broder. "I'll go across the street to get a newspaper, and I'll leave the dog here. Then you'll see."

When Broder is gone, the dog says, "Hey, pal, what happened to my whiskey sour?"

The bartender is astonished. "Sure, right away. It's on the house. I can't believe this. Say, would you do me a favor? Here's ten bucks. My wife works in the restaurant next door. Would you mind going in and ordering a coffee to go? This will make her day, and you can keep the change."

"Fine," says the dog, who takes the money and leaves. A moment later, Broder returns to the bar. "Hey, where's Oliver?"

"He *can* talk," says the bartender. "I gave him ten bucks to surprise my wife. Here, I'll go with you."

As they leave the bar, they see Oliver in an alley, having his way with an attractive French poodle.

"Oliver, I can't believe it," says Broder. "You've never done this before."

"Hey," says the dog, "I've never had money before."

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?

A: Paddy O'Furniture!

Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)

Don't Kill Your Kids!

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.- Chinese Proverb.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago & they're still getting in!

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)

Little Johnny was sitting in class one

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)

Mouse Balls

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note last sentence!)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit.) Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop- off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist- off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static- sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)

Fascinating

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."

Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."

So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!

Read all jokes from:Student (+358)

Q: What's a Jewish Princess's favourite position?

Q: What's a Jewish Princess's favourite position?
A: lnside Brent Cross Shopping Centre.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7001)

mamma/murmur

Morris went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm.
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "You get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that." I said, "You got a heart murmur. Be careful!."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)

The warning

David, a senior citizen, was driving down the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful!"
"Hell," said David, "It's not just one... there are dozens of them!"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)

Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on

Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle.
Judi asked what the difference was.
"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."
"Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664), Farm (+52)

Beer Warning Labels

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)

Alaska

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before.

When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year.

Read all jokes from:Alaska (+171)

A rabbi took a job at a

A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)

Q. What's the difference between Michael and

Q. What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?

A. Michael's been able to have kids.

Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)

The smartest man in the world

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.

The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"

With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete and I should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, your holiness. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)

At a conference on the supernatural, one

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here
has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have
had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.
"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three
hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty
good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand
stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've
actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up
suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

What's a headache?

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)

Announcements in synagogue newsletters

o Join us for our celebration after services. Prayer and medication to follow.
o Weight Watchers will meet at 8pm at the Beck Hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
o Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
o For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
o We are pleased to announce the birth of David Bloom, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Shlomo Bloom.
o The Men's Club is warmly invited to the celebrations hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
o Our Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan last week "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
o If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you.
o Rabbi is on holiday. Massages can be given to his secretary.
o Mrs Himmelfarb will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
o The Ladies Guild have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Thursdays.
o We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the Beck Hall. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
o Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)

Getting Married in a Hurry

Giorgo and his beautiful girl-friend Isabella rush in to see the vicar: "We want to get married. Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you do a quick service?"
The vicar is amused. He marries the two young people, pockets his fee and asks: "Isn't there a proverb?.. something about not marrying in haste? Why are you two in such a hurry?
Dragging his bride after him, Giorgio rushes out into the street: "We double parked!"

Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+694)

Headaches

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and.." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?"

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I, myself, suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength, and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a single headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. Oh and, by the way, you have a lovely home."

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)

What's the difference?

Young Sam asks his father, "Dad, whats the difference between potentially and realistically?"
His father ponders for a while, then replies, "I suggest you first ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for one million pounds. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for one million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you learned."
"OK, dad," says Sam.
Sam finds his mother and asks, "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for one million pounds?"
She replies, "Absolutely, Sam, how could I miss such an opportunity?"
Sam then goes to his older sister and asks, "Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million pounds?"
His sister replies dreamily, "Oh Sam, of course I would, just give me the chance, that's all I ask."
Over the next few days, Sam thinks a lot about what his mother and sister have said. Then he goes back to his father.
"So Sam," asks his father, "did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
Sam replies, "Yes dad, I learned that potentially were sitting on 2 million pounds, but realistically were living with two Koorveh."
"Thats my boy," says his father.
(Koorveh: a trollop, a prostitute, a woman who trades on her sexuality for money, gifts or position)

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)

The anniversary

Max is in WHSmith looking for a suitable Wedding Anniversary greeting card. He's been there for over 45 minutes, but he's not having any luck. An assistant notices Max lingering over one card after another and, being a helpful kind of person, goes over to him to see if she can help. "Is there a problem, sir?" she asks.
"Yes, there is," replies Max, "I cant find one mine Sarah will believe."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)

Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Monkey see, monkey do.

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

Time to do the laundry

The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry

1. You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.

2. You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.

3. Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.

4. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.

5. The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.

6. The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.

7. Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.

8. The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.

9. Your red T-shirt is now green.

10. The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company's casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.

Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)

Three Blondes & Brunette

There are three blondes and a brunette. They are hanging off of a rope from a cliff and the rope is about to break. Somebody has to jump. After awhile of thinking, the brunette decides that she is going to jump. She gives a long speach about her life, and the blondes clapped!

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)

The reporter and the old man

The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benjy was coming up to his 108th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut," Benjy answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I've been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Shlomo followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benjy, "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)

They're the perfect match, she lies jogging

They're the perfect match, she lies jogging and he's on the run from the law!

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)

The teacher says, "Children, today I will

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."
Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2425)

A little boy did not go to

A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull".
"How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that"
"No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be the Bull".

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2425), School (+377)

Funny Cartoon

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Funny Cartoon

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Funny Picture

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Monday, May 30, 2011

Funny Cartoon

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Funny Picture

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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Funny Picture

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Funny Picture

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Freak Show

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Funny Picture

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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Funny Cartoon

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A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar

A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the coke machine at a large Las Vegas casino. She kept punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other, and change too!
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way to the other vending machines with the mounting pile of sod
A. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the young lady.
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of the group, "Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?"
"Hey back off, buddy," she retorts, "can't you see I'm winning here?"

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)

Grandma

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)

The Pig

A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig. He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over.

Cop says "Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?"

Driver says "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field."

Cop says, "I want you to take that pig to the ZOO!".

The driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo. So the next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over.

"What are you doing? I thought i told you to take that pig to the ZOO!"

The driver reply, "Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now."

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200), Pig (+24), Policemen (+247)

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards."
"Please wait a minute and I'll deal with you."

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)

Animals

View all pictures from:Animals (+465)

Q: What business is a yenta in?

Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)

First snake: I hope I'm not poisonous

First snake: I hope I'm not poisonous.

Second snake: Why?

First snake: Because I bit my lip!

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)

What's the definition of a quarter tone?

What's the definition of a quarter tone?

A harpist tuning unison strings.

Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)

Bill Gates and Hell

Bill Gates passed away and found himself in the ante-room between Heaven and Hell. The admitting Angel was surprised to see him and said there was some sort of mix-up in his file. After unsuccessfully trying to solve the mix-up, the Angel told Bill Gates that they would allow him to make his own choice as to whether he went to Heaven or Hell.

Gates was then seated in front of two computers: one labeled "Heaven" and one labeled "Hell."

The "Heaven" monitor showed streets paved in gold with many smiling people gathered in clusters singing beautiful hymns. Lovely harp music filled the air and the sky was filled with soft, puffy white clouds.

The "Hell" monitor showed a white sand beach with a sparkling blue ocean gently lapping on the shore. There were many beautiful young women in tiny bikini's strolling the beach, lying in the sand and playing volleyball and having a lot of fun.

Gates looked at both scenes for awhile and then thought to himself, "Hell really does look pretty great." He told the Angel he chose to go to Hell, and he was immediately sent down.

Quite awhile later, the admitting Angel was making his customary rounds of Heaven and Hell, checking on the daily routines. He saw Bill Gates and went over to speak to him. Gates was chained to a wall. He was dirty and thin. His body was covered in festering sores and he was groaning in great pain. The Angel said, "You know, I could not understand why you chose Hell when you could have gone to Heaven. You, of course, are suffering the consequences of Hell."

Gates looked at the Angel with tormented eyes and said, "Where are the beautiful girls? Where is the white sand beach and the sparkling blue ocean? Where is all the fun?"

The Angel said, "Oh, that. Well, you were looking at the MicroHell Screen Saver..."

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)

Things Adults Learn From Kids

1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.

12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

18. Duplos will not.

19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

20. Super glue is forever.

21. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

22. Ditto Tarzan.

23. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

24. Pool filters do not like Jello.

25. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

28. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

33. It will however make cats dizzy.

34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

36. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)

Friday, May 27, 2011

Bedtime Prayer for Women

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
He's not afraid to admit it when he's wrong.

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed
and won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, "How fat is my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'.
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.

Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait,
for I know You will send him before it's too late.

Amen.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)

Dying wishes

Hette is dying and her rabbi comes to visit her. "Do you have any last wishes, Hetty?" asks Rabbi Gold.
"Yes rabbi," whispers Hetty, "I know you won't like hearing me say this, but I want to be cremated."
"You know that is forbidden to us," says Rabbi Gold, "but because it's one of your final wishes - then OK. Is there anything else?"
"Yes," whispers Hetty, "I want my ashes spread over the John Lewis department store in Brent Cross."
"Why on earth would you want to do that?" asks Rabbi Gold.
"Because that way," replies Hetty, "my two daughters will find it easy to visit me each week."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)

A wish for Christmas

It is around Christmas time and Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on Santas lap.
Santa says to the little boy "I bet I know what you want for Christmas. I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word.
The little boy responds, "Nope".
So Santa again says "Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E"; as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger.
The little boy again said "Nope".
Well Santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to
himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy "I bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word.
Where to the little responds "Nope".
Well at this time Santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little boy "Then what the fuck do you want for Christmas"?
The little boy then looked at Santa and said "I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any because I can smell it on your finger"!

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2425)

DEAR DOCTOR Dear

DEAR DOCTOR

Dear Dr. Dover:

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy...but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely,
Bubba Brickhead

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)

Fathers' sayings * Don't ask me

Fathers' sayings

* Don't ask me, ask your mother.
* You didn't beat me. I let you win.
* Don't worry. It's only blood.
* Don't you know any normal boys?
* I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
* Who said life was supposed to be fair?
* If you forget, you'll be grounded till the end of the world.
* This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
* Don't give me any of your lip, young lady!
* You call that noise "music?"
* We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are.
* When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
* As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.
* I'll tell you why. Because I said so. That's why!
* You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.
* This is your last warning!
* I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
* What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
* I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!
* What do you think I am, a bank?
* What part of NO don't you understand?
* I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody else's father!
* Didn't your teacher learn you anything?
* You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
* It's hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
* You know you're always going to be Daddy's little girl.
* I'm not watching television. I'm resting my eyes.
* Don't use that tone with me!
* Am I talking to a brick wall?
* Don't make me stop the car!

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)

Funny Picture

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Judi was bored with driving her BMW

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)

Your Dog's Barking

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ...

"Good morning, Mr. Williams... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

Read all jokes from:Dog (+335), Miscellaneous (+55)

Q: Why do Jewish women shtup with their eyes closed?

Q: Why do Jewish women shtup with their eyes closed?
A: They hate to see their husbands having a good time.

Shtup: make love

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)

A man parked his car at the

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)

Tech Support Diary

A Week in the Life of the Notes Support Person from Hell

Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm
Lunch

3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\DARRK1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod - Fire!"

1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't here over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am
Lunch.

4:55 pm
Return from lunch.

5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01:

"Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift."

Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.

12:00 am
Lunch.

1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit - Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)

Dinner In Heaven

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greets her at the Pearly Gates.

"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" saith God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresas replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.

The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal.

Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.

Still she says nothing. The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. She can't contain herself any longer.

Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand..."

God sighs. "Let's look at this realistically, Mother Theresa," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

Read all jokes from:Religious (+827)

Two Men S.O.S.

Two men were hunting in the forest and accidentally got lost. They waited for a plane to look for them to take them to safety. When the plane arrived, one of the hunters said, "Shoot three times in the air. That is the distress call." So they did, and the plane flew by and didn't stop.
The next day as the plane flew out, they shot three times in the air again, but the plane flew on and didn't stop. On the third day as the plane flew by, one hunter said, "O.K. shoot three times."
The other hunter replied, "O.K. but we're almost out of arrows!"

Read all jokes from:Hunting (+66)

Computer Terminology

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer keyboard becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)

A man died and was taken to

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)

My sons the professionals.

Mrs. Feldman was getting acquinted with her new neighbor, Mrs. Johnson when Mrs. Johnson asked, "How old are your boys?"
The doctor is five and the lawyer is three" replied Mrs. Feldman.

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)

He Shall Overcome

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appeared to be in deep thought and very sad. He was just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looked up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do" she replied.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)

Funny Picture

View all pictures from:Funny Picture (+2366)

Nothing to lose

A depressed young blonde woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The blonde nodded, 'Yes'. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they mad passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)

The Rookie

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

Read all jokes from:Policemen (+246)

How does a lead guitarist change a

How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb?

He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)

After church, Johnny tells his parents he

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)

Animals

View all pictures from:Animals (+464)

Q: What brand of toothpaste to gerbils use?

Q: What brand of toothpaste to gerbils use?
A: Arm And Hamster.

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

Cat Resolutions

* I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

* I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

* I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

* I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

* I will not use the humans' bathtub to store live mice for late- night snacks.

* I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

* My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

* I will not help myself to Q- tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

* I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

* As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

* I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

* I will remember that I am A walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

* Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

* I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

* I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!

* I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

* I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."

* If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

* I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

* I will not knead my male human's groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

* I will not attempt to stop the human's snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

* I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human's dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say "Where's my supper!"

* I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human's grandmother is visiting.

* I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

* When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

* When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

* I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.

Read all jokes from:Cat (+695), Lists (+729)

What is the diffference between a dead

What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?

The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)

The visit to the Rabbi

Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."
"Why," asked the Rabbi.
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."
"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."
"The food wasn't kosher."
"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.
"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."
"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"
"What, on Yom Kippur?"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The gold medalist

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)

Wedding vows

During the weeks before Amy's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.

"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)

Some Bacon and an egg walk into

Some Bacon and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender stops them and says "sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here."

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)

Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?

Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?
A: A bitemare!

Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)

The miracle baby

Sadie is 65 years old and has always remained unmarried, yet she desperately wanted a baby of her own. So with the help of modern science and with the help of a fertility specialist, Sadie has her miracle baby.
When she gets home, all her friends and relatives come to see her and meet the newest member of her family.
But when they ask to see the baby, Sadie says, "not yet."
A little later they again ask to see the baby and again Sadie says, "not yet."
Finally they ask, "So when can we see the baby?"
Sadie replies, "When the baby cries."
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" they say.
Sadie replies, "Because I forgot where I put it."

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)

Yes, I'm a Bad American - by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put you through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot you if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

And what is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)

10 Traits You Don't Want in Your New Puppy

1. He dries himself on your bed sheets after a bath.

2. He barks uproariously at doorbells on TV, but doesn't make a sound when a stranger comes to your door.

3. He not only wants to sleep in bed with you but wants to share your pillow as well.

4. Or worse, he wants your pillow all to himself.

5. He barks in the middle of the night to let you know that he's thirsty and you've left the commode lid down.

6. He is more attracted to your fishing lures than any fish ever were.

7. He loves to roll in the motor oil drip spot in your garage and then go straight to bed - your bed.

8. He confuses your $10 a roll Christmas wrapping paper with his potty papers.

9. He becomes romantically involved with the ankles of your dinner guests.

10. He thinks of your cat as a chew toy.

Read all jokes from:Dog (+334), Lists (+729)

Funny Picture

View all pictures from:Funny Picture (+2365)

Never marry a man for money. You'll

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)

Q. What do you call 5 dogs

Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?

A. The Spice Girls!

Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)

Stockbroker as a Fisherman

The Simpson's invited their new neighbors the Parkers over to dinner. During dinner Mr Simpson asked Mr Parker what he did for a living.
4 year old Billy Parker jumped in and said
"Daddy is a fisherman!"
To which Mrs Parker replied" Billy why do say that? Your daddy is a stock broker not a fisherman."
"No Mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says I just caught another fish."

Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)

Are You Bored? Clik Any Picture For the Best Entertainment

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Monday, May 30, 2011

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Friday, May 27, 2011

Thursday, May 26, 2011

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