Dictionary for women
Argument (ar'gyou'ment) n. - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er'hed) n. - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar'bi'q) n. - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner".
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. - Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant'e'lope) n. - Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri'yer) n. - An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy'it so'da) n. - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e'ter'ni'tee) n. - The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex'er'siz) v. - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow'ser'ee list) n. - What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres'er) n. - Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard'war stor) n. - Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child'brth) n. - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip'stik) n. - On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. - Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa'shens) n. - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah'tr'pruf mas'kar'ah) n. - Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val'en'tinez dae) n. - A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
What are the pictures?
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them?
Mice Krispies!
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What is a mouse's favorite record?
'Please cheese me'!
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?
Mice cubes!
What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
Things Mom would never say:
- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
- "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
- "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
- "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
- "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
You Know You're In Alaska When...
- ...you know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- ...the mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
- ...there is only one shopping plaza in town.
- ...the municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- ...the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making.
- ...you find -60c a might chilly.
- ...the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- ...you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorrels.
- ...you can play road hockey on ice skates.
- ...shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
- ...you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
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