A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can’t do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can’t do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can’t do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can’t do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I’m drunk."
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined."
"It’s in the judge’s hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them" said the lawyer.
"But, I did send them" - said the defendant.
"What? You did?" - said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That’s how we won the case."
"I don’t understand," said the lawyer.
"It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card."
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a gas station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
"Mornin’ bye," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They’re called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving," says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus," says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".
A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.
The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What’s the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river" Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river" Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river" Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we’re laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her "Wanna have sex?"
"No." She answered.
I said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." She replied.
So I said, "I’d like to phone a friend."
That’s the last thing I remember…
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What’s ‘at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma..."
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let’s get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front said, "Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself."
This just in, hot off the presses. After a lengthy court battle and millions of dollars spent lobbying, the Supreme Court has ruled that there will not be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t for any religious reason. Congress simply has not been able to find three wise men and a virgin at the Nation’s capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
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