I was traveling through south Georgia yesterday and noticed a lot of signs saying "pecans ahead." Wouldn't "restrooms ahead" be more appropriate?
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I was traveling through south Georgia yesterday
New person in prison
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Read all jokes from:Policemen (+247)
A guy starts talking to two women
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.
She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."
So she plays it while he screws her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says, "Gee... do you think he'd remember us?"
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)
Getting Into Heaven
The teacher asked the children in the Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was "NO!"
"Well," the teacher continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?"
In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2427)
First to Leave
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do and all the kids are restless. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Joya said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Joya. You can go".
Johnny was MAD.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". "That's right Mary. You can go".
Johnny was even MADDER than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Marol said, "John Kennedy". "That's right Marol. You can go".
Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these women would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
The accident
Unfortunately, there has been a terrible accident at the Nuclear Energy plant and three leading nuclear physicists are very badly contaminated. After a specialist has seen them, he declares that they are all dying and none is likely to survive the night. Each is quickly asked for their dying wish.
"What would you like, Pierre?"
Pierre replies, "I would like to meet my President and be awarded the Legion of Honour for my contribution to new energy sources."
"What would you like, John?"
John replies, "I would like to meet our Queen and be knighted for my services to cheap UK energy."
"And what would you like, Moshe?"
Moshe replies, "I would like a second opinion."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7001)
Seeing double
As Morris and Sidney are walking down Edgware High Street, Sidney says, "Morris, if you had two top-of-the-range Lexus cars, would you give me one?"
"Sidney," replies Morris, "weve been best friends for over 30 years now, ever since we left school and if I had two top-of-the-range Lexus cars, yes, I would give one to you."
They continue walking. After a couple of minutes, Morris turns to Sidney and says, "Sidney, if you had two luxury, playboy-type jet planes, would you give one of them to me?"
"Morris," replies Sidney, "you and I are like twins. You were my best man at my wedding and we've both attended the same shul for 30 years. So if I had two luxury, playboy-type jet planes, then yes, I would give one to you."
They continue walking. A couple of minutes later, Sidney turns to Morris and says, "Morris, if you had two 32" flat screen HD ready LCD televisions... "
"Hey, hold on a minute," interrupts Morris, "you know Ive got two 32" TVs."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7001)
The delivery
The new postman is delivering a registered parcel and needs a signature so he rings the doorbell. Sadie sticks her head out of the bedroom window and says, "Nu, what is it?"
"I have a registered parcel for Mrs Levy," he replies.
"Is it wrapped in fancy gift paper or just plain brown paper?" Sadie asks.
"Ordinary brown paper, madam," he replies.
"So who is it from?" Sadie asks.
"It's from John Lewis department store, madam," he replies.
"Does it say from which branch?" Sadie asks.
"Yes, madam," he replies, "it's from Oxford Street."
"Does it say what's in it?" Sadie asks.
"It says it's from their Writing Instruments department," he replies. "Will you now come down and sign for it, please."
"Sorry," replies Sadie, "I can't do that."
"Why not?" he asks.
"Because," Sadie replies, "I'm Sadie Cohen. Mrs Levy lives next door."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7001)
Proof at last
If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
The tailor
Isaac was out shopping in Golders Green when he sees a sign in a window saying, 'JACOB'S CUSTOM MADE CLOTHING'. He's not sure whether to go in – it looks an expensive shop. But Jacob, the owner, sees him hesitating and quickly invites him in.
"What are you looking for?"
"A suit."
"Good," said Jacob, "you've come to the right place. When we make a suit here, you'll be surprised at how we go about it. First, digital cameras take pictures of your every muscle and we download the pictures to a special computer to build up your image. Then we cultivate sheep in Australia to get the very best cloth. For the silk lining, we contact Japan for their silkworms, and we ask Japanese deep-sea divers to get the pearl buttons.
"B-b-bbut," said Isaac, "I need the suit for a Barmitzvah."
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
"... You'll have it."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7001)
Italian Love Song
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)
The Persistent Duck
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
Giuseppe is Becoming a Citizen
Giuseppe walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and says "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppe... you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)
Most memorable events
A reporter when up into the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He met an old man in a small town and asked him about memorable events in his life.
"Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost. So me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"
The reporter knew he couldn't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.
"Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found her. Then we drank the moonshine and screwed her. Now that was a lot of fun!"
The frustrated reporter told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any sad memories he could talk about.
The old man paused, then said, "Well, one time I got lost...... "
Read all jokes from:Family (+438)
What's the difference between a guitar player
What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)
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