* Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
* Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
* Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
* Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
* Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
* Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
* Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
* You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
* Midlife brings the wisdom that "life throws you curves" and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
* Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
* Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
* The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
* You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
* Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
* Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
* You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
