A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:
* Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.
* Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.
* Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.
* Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.
* Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with spaying and neutering.
* Don't choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle, unless you have plenty of room to store the leftovers.
* Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand- to- hand struggle, in case of food- chain- hierarchy disputes.
* For a fun and low- maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat." Place a kitten in a 16- ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new pet won't get any bigger and will never run away or get into fights.
* Before letting your children play with their brand- new pet, remove potentially dangerous teeth and claws with a handheld rotating saw.
* For those parents concerned about the added expense a pet brings, remember: many pets and children may be fed to one another.
* Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.
* Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through good behavior. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.
* Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.
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