Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
* * * * * * * * * *
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
* * * * * * * * * *
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
* * * * * * * * * *
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
* * * * * * * * * *
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
* * * * * * * * * *
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.
* * * * * * * * * *
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
* * * * * * * * * *
Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
* * * * * * * * * *
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
* * * * * * * * * *
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
* * * * * * * * * *
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
* * * * * * * * * *
A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her old computer had used 5 1/4's and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4's to her 3 1/2's. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that she didn't know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4's to the same size as the 3 1/2's and put them in the drive!
* * * * * * * * * *
True story from a Novell Netwire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this tech support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, how may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promtional, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?"
Caller: "No I didn't get it from a tradeshow, but it does have a trademark on it, '4X' ."
At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't keep from laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD-ROM as a cup holder, and snapped it off!
* * * * * * * * * *
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
* * * * * * * * * *
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
* * * * * * * * * *
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uh...uh...yeah."
* * * * * * * * * *
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to--"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
* * * * * * * * * *
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash--it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
* * * * * * * * * *
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
* * * * * * * * * *
Another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
* * * * * * * * * *
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
* * * * * * * * * *
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.
* * * * * * * * * *
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
* * * * * * * * * *
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
* * * * * * * * * *
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
* * * * * * * * * *
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow ! How can you see my screen from there?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."
* * * * * * * * * *
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive. Go to A: and type 'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place. It can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?
* * * * * * * * * *
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar ..."
* * * * * * * * * *
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer:(now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."
* * * * * * * * * *
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Individual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?
* * * * * * * * * *
Help desk received a call from a tech out in the field asking "Do I have to shut the system down to replace that bad board in the processor?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Me: Can i help you?
Newbie: Yes, I can't seem to get into the computer.
Me: You mean you can't log onto the network?
Newbie: Yes.
Me: OK, what happens when you try and login?
Newbie: I get a password error message.
Me: OK, can you tell me your login ID?
Newbie: Max-the-dog.
Me: OK, that sounds more like your password, what's your login ID, it's the other thing you type in.
Newbie: ohh ok, the other thing, hmmm (pause) ummmm... star star star star star star star star star star.
After muteing him while I giggled to myself, I got back on the line and explained to him what a password and a user ID was he got logged in and all was well.
The next day I got another call around the same time, it was him with the exact same problem.
* * * * * * * * * *
Me: Can I help you?
Newbie: Yes, my keyboard isn't working, I think it is broken.
Me: OK, what happens when you try and type something?
Newbie: I get all these different letters then the ones I am pushing, like when I press "q" I get an "h".
It turns out someone had played a joke on her and re-arranged all her buttons. I helped her put them all back in place over the phone.
* * * * * * * * * *
Me: Can I help you?
Newbie: Yes, my computer just stopped working, the screen just stopped.
Me: The screen stopped?
Newbie: Yes.
Me: OK, what's on the screen?
Newbie: Just my windows and some files.
Me: OK, then your computer probabally froze, just switch it off then back on again.
Newbie: Are you sure that won't harm anything?
Me: No, were you working on anything when it froze?
Newbie: Froze? No, it's like 90 in here, it couldn't have froze.
* * * * * * * * * *
Newbie: (frantic) You have got to help me.
Me: OK, what seems to be the problem?
Newbie: (crying and yelling) My term paper, it is like 90 f**king pages long, I just finished it and then I went to (sniff) click on the menu I missed and clicked on the top of my page and it disappeared and now I can't see it any more!
Me: OK, calm down.
Newbie: (sniff) OK.
Me: What do you see on your screen now?
Newbie: A bunch of windows and stuff.
Me: OK, what did you call your file when you saved it?
Newbie: Term paper (or something like that).
Me: OK, look at the bottom of your screen do you see a thin bar with a bunch of blocks in it?
Newbie: (pause) Yes.
Me: Do you see any of the blocks with your file's name written on it?
Newbie: Yes.
Me: Click on the one that says term paper.
Newbie: (pause) OK (sniff).
Me: OK, what happened?
Mewbie: Oh, I see it again! But, I only have the first page *sniff* all the rest is gone!!!
Me: Gone? (puzzled)
Me: (after some thought) OK, look to the right of your page do you see a long vertical bar with an arrow at the top and one at the bottom?
Newbie: Yes.
Me: Click on the one at the bottom.
Newbie: OK (pause)
Me: Do you see the rest of what you typed?
Newbie: Oh yes! I got it back!
* * * * * * * * * *
The other day I was in a computer shop looking at some of their computers. I was approched by a sales man, after some brief commentary on the computer I was looking at he started to explain what kind of computer it was and do his sales pitch on me. Here are some of the things he told me which I found funny:
"The larger the moniter you get, the better the picture will be."
"This is the latest computer, it runs at 233 Mhz!" (in early jan 2000)
"The CD-ROM also reads musical CD's!"
"This is the best mouse on the market!" (as he picks it up and shows it off, I read the bottom "SYNTAX", never heard of them)
"It comes with 700 MB of RAM!"
After a few more of these facts he spewed out at me I started to explain to him that the machine he was showing me was outdated by about 2 years, that mouse was by far not the best one on the market, and that it couldn't come with 700MB of RAM because it says on the brochure stuck to the top of the moniter that it is only expandable to 96MB.
Then he sid, "RAM? Hmm, no I meant floppy drive space."
I just walked out.
* * * * * * * * * *
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
* * * * * * * * * *
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
* * * * * * * * * *
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1816)
