"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
"Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
"You've ever used a pork product to assemble a bicycle."
A ceiling fan has ever ruined your hairdo.
A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.
A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru window at Hardee's.
A full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
A museum curator tries to buy 7 of the vehicles on blocks in your yard.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
A seven-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
A sign on the street says no crackin' and that reminds you to pull up your pants!!
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
A woman says she's game, so you shoot her.
About is you can loose them or not.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
All of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.
All of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
All you want for Christmas is deer pee.
All your golf balls come in egg cartons.
Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
Anesthesiologist in bib overalls feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
Any of your children were conceived under a stoplight.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.
Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.
Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!".
Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
Are missing a lot of teeth.
At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
At some point in your life You've been too drunk to fish.
Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.
Bikers back down from your momma.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Both your house and car are on blocks.
Breakfast consists of boiled eggs, can of Beenie Weenies, a couple saltine crackers and a 6 pack of Budweiser, because you like the smell it creates after completing the digestive cycle.
Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.
Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
Collect your old license plates and put them on top of the fireplace and call them trophies
Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.
Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.
Diners change tables when your family sits near them.
Dinner may or may not have tire tracks on it.
Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.
Dolly Parton reminds you of the "Grand Tetons".
Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning Channel.
Down where you come from reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.
Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
During the wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
Every time you see a road sign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Fancy eating out (for you) involves drivin' to the next window
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
Fine dining is the Waffle House.
Flannel is your favorite color.
For your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Friday night is "sneak into the drive-in night".
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.
Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car.
Hank Williams, Jr. is your hero.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Higher math means counting over 10.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.
Hot dogs and pork-n-beans are your favorite Sunday night dinner.
Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard's feet, owl's beaks and pig's ears.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
In preparation for your upcoming wedding, your register your Tupperware pattern.
In the delivery room, your husband says, "That's worse than skinning a deer!"
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Instead of buying your girlfriend candy and flowers, you spray paint her name on an overpass.
Instead of flossing you use a plunger.
Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".
It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test.
It took you twenty years to figure out how to add single digit numbers.
It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
It's impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People"
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
Last year you hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies.
Mail pouch sends you Christmas cards.
Making beer is a neighborhood project.
Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
More "cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
No matter how you clean your hands, the dirt under your nails won't come off.
Non-Athletic-Sport-Created-Around-Rednecks
None of these jokes are making sense to you.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
None of your zippers have all their teeth either.
Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.
On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
On cold nights, your dog sleeps on the bed and your wife doesn't.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
On Sunday's people stop by to ask you're having a yard sale and you're not.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
On the 4th of July you spend it at the waffle house beside a drunk while waiting to get your pastor out of jail
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
People ask your wife when her baby's due and she's not pregnant.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
People don't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
People think you're having a yard sale... and you're not.
PMS stands for "Parent Medical System."
Psychopath is a mountain trail for bikes.
Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your own."
Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
Rocky Top is your favorite song
Sand people back down from your mama.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
Slamming the door on your truck creates an instant sunroof.
Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
Some offers you a silver plate and you pull off you belt buckle and say, "No thanks, I've already got one"
Somebody says, "HO DOWN" and your wife falls to the ground!!
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your wife hits the floor
Somebody yells "Hoedown" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
Someone can circumcise you by kicking your little sister in the jaw.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
Steeling road signs is a family outing.
Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
That billboard that says, "Say No To Crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
That white-tailed deer is being paid 10 bucks an hour to stand on a ladder behind your wall and stick his head in.
The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
The best 5 years of your life were in the second grade.
The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The biggest city You've been to is Wal-Mart.
The biggest city You've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
The bouquet at your wedding was stolen from a cemetery.
The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
The church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
The dashboard of your work vehicle is covered with empty cigarette cartons and Mountain Dew bottles
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
The Dollar-General is bigger than the Wal-Mart.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
The fairground's main attraction is to see who can throw cow pie the farthest!
The family business needs a lookout.
The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife... and wave to her.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
The figures on your wedding cake wore overalls.
The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed your bathroom never did reach the house.
The first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, "Where's the nearest liquor store?"
The first thing you do in the morning is checking your critter trap, and you're disappointed when it is empty.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
The front license plate of your car has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
The game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The gazebo in your yard is bigger than your trailer.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.
The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
The landscaping in your front yard is broken down cars.
The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
The library in your city ran out of the book "The ABC's of Belching".
The main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
The Marlboro man is your idol.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is "What the hell are you lookin' at Diphead?"
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
The newspaper (the business) is the community toilet paper.
The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)
The one what hangs "round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
The only officer that is pursuing you is a game warden.
The only songs you know on guitar are Lynard Skynard songs.
The other 13 trailers out back of yours belong to your children and their families.
The passengers enter your vehicle through the driver's-side door.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)
