15 jokes: August 2010

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Mice in the Synagogue

Three rabbis were talking over a regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together.
Rabbi Ginsberg says, "We have such a problem with mice at our schul. The shammos sets all kinds of baited traps but they kept coming back. Do either of you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?"
The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen, replied, "We have the same problem at our synagogue, we've spent all kinds of gelt on exterminators but the problem still persists. Any suggestions?"
The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg, looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen and told the following story:
"Rabbis, we had the same problem with mice at our synagogue. We tried traps, exterminators, even prayers; but nothing worked. Then one Shabbos after services were over a brilliant idea came into my mind. The next Shabbos I went to the synagogue about an hour before services started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of the bima. Well, soon, hundreds of mice appeared on the bima and headed for the cheese. While they were feasting on the cheese, I bar-mitzvahed all of them. I have never seen any of them in shul again!"

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Funny Picture

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New dog breed

Did you here about the new dog breed of dog?
It's a cross between a Pittbull and a Collie.
First it bites off your leg, and then it runs for help.

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

Funny Cartoon

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Sport

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One Wish

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat."

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Funny Picture

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50 Reasons Why it's Great to be a Guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Monday Night Football.
5. The bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
6. You can open all your own jars.
7. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
8. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
9. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
10. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
11. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
12. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
13. The garage is all yours.
14. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
15. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
16. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
17. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
18. The National College Cheer leading Championship.
19. You don't have to shave below your neck.
20. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
21. Everything on your face stays its original color.
22. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
23. Flowers fix everything.
24. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
25. Three pair of shoes is more than enough.
26. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
27. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
28. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
29. Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
30. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
31. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
32. One mood, all the time.
33. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
34. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
35. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
36. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
37. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
38. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
39. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
40. The remote is yours and yours alone.
41. ESPN's Sports Center.
42. Bachelor parties rule over bridal showers.
43. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
44. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
45. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
46. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
47. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
48. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
49. Baywatch.
50. There is always a game on somewhere.

Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Men (+300)

Kids

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An Italian family is at the dinner

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father
says to his oldest son, "Tony, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"
Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it."
Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"
Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good."
Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo, how you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?"
Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy."
Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!"
Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)

The male code

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

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Funny Cartoon

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Funny Picture

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Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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Animals

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My grandson was visiting one day when

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

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Cars

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Girls

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Clearance

There were 2 rednecks that lived on opposite sides of the river. One was named Clearance and the other Billy.
They would always threaten to beat the crap out of each other, but said they couldn't because the river was keeping them from getting to each other.
They swore that if there was ever a bridge made that they would go across and fight.
Well a few years went by and they began to build a bridge. When it was done, Billy's wife told him to go fight Clearance since there was a bridge now. So he decided to head that way.
In the middle of the bridge, there was a sign that said "Clearance 11ft 3in.
All of a sudden Billy's wife heard a banging on the door. There was her husband, out of breath.
She asked "Well did you fight him?"
He said "No."
"Well why not?" she asked.
"Because Clearance didn't look eleven feet three inches from across the river."

Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1460)

Alligator shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisian
A. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but simply could not afford the prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spots the blond standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it up on the bank. Laying nearby were several other dead alligators.

Just then the blonde flips the freshly killed alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "SON OF A BITCH! This one ain't wearing any shoes either!"

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Girls

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Animals

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The lawyer's son wanted to follow in

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"

Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)

Uses for an Old Computer

Tear out the guts, cut a slit in top and use it for an inter-office suggestion box.

Use it as the largest desktop picture frame in your office. Put in lots of photos of your family and then place in on your desk in such a way as to keep the boss from seeing what you are really doing.

Use it as a false front for your home safebox. Put in your cash, jewelry and bonds. When thieves break into your house and see the computer is last year's model, they won't take it.

Use it as a paperweight during hurricane season.

Use it as a pinata for adult parties. Stuff it with party favors and then take turns smashing it open with a sledge hammer.

Use it as a doorstop for those stupid self-locking restroom doors at service stations.

Tear out the guts, wear it on your head and go to a Halloween party as Bill Gates.

Inject it with every known computer virus known to man and send it to your worst enemy for a birthday present.

Tear out the guts and use it as a cooler.

Take it all apart and then glue it back together again in weird, bizarre ways. Sell it to a museum for ten thousand dollars as "pop art".

Found in NetDummy Humor.

A little mortar, a tower, a little mortar, a tower, a little mortar, a tower. You can build a computer house!

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Cars

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What is Your mood?

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I've given it up

Alf arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Michael Bloom has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Alf," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have."
But Sadie hadn't finished.
"And that's not all. I hear that Bernard, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have."
"OK, Sadie," said Alf, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Alf keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Alf shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Bloom has started smoking again."

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Funny Picture

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Fatherly advice

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up!'"

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Animals

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Two Italian guys are driving through Texas

Two Italian guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state
trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with
the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll
have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives
the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on
the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him
with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I
wish that guy would've tried that crap with me!

Read all jokes from:Italian (+654)

As most young and weak kids are

As most young and weak kids are, Little Johnny was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.

The bully without asking snatched the jar from Little Johnny's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"

"Well, they're smart pills."

"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!"

"See, you're getting smarter already."

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Rubbing Milk

A guy comes home one day to find his wife rubbing milk all over her breasts. Curiously he asks her why she is doing this. She replies that she has read that if you rub milk on your breasts they get bigger.
He looks at her for a moment and says, "then you should have used toilet paper."
"Why" asks his wife?
He replies "because it's done a hell of a job on your ass!"

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Funny Picture

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Funny Cartoon

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buried at asda

An elderly jewish woman decided to prepare her will and told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Asda
"Asda?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Asda?"
"Then I'll be sure my sons visit me twice a week."

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Conversion procedures

Bernard Levinsky wants to become a British citizen, so he changes his name to Benny Levy and applies for citizenship. After many months of waiting, he's asked to attend court, answer some questions and become, at last, a full British citizen.
Benny stands up to face judge Hodge. "Mr. Levy," says judge Hodge, "before I can grant you citizenship, I must ask you a few questions to confirm for myself that you really are interested in the UK, its government and its rulers. Do you understand?"
"Yes," replies Benny.
"All right, who are the UK's leading political parties?" asks judge Hodge.
"I'm a diamond merchant," replies Benny, "do I have time to worry about political parties?"
"Then who is our current Prime Minister?" asks judge Hodge.
"That's simple," replies Benny, "doesn't everyone know the answer?"
"Mr Levy," says judge Hodge, "are you always in a habit of answering questions in such an ambiguous manner?"
"Why shouldn't I?" replies Benny.
Judge Hodge is now getting angry. "Mr Levy," he shouts, "are you willing to swear your allegiance to our Queen, to our future King Charles and to everyone else in the Royal Family?"
"Your honour," replies Benny, "do you really want me to swear in court?"
"Mr Levy," shouts judge Hodge, "please stop answering all my questions with a question. Do you promise to support the Prime Minister and his government?"
"Isn't it enough that I support mine Sarah and my three darling kinder (children)," replies Benny. "You want my blood as well?"

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Business advice

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large Yellowfin tuna.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, se

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Freak Show

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Condom sizing

Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.

"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.

When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.

"Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out. How many?"

Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.

Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl.

So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?"

But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting."

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Funny Picture

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Silly Blonde Joke

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them!"
Her friend said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! W."

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)

A woman and her little girl were

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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Funny Picture

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Monday, August 30, 2010

Funny Picture

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Nick the prick had a forty foot

Nick the prick had a forty foot dick,
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four foot four.

Read all jokes from:Limericks (+567)

Two innebriated Auburn fans are walking along

Two innebriated Auburn fans are walking along a railroad track.
One says, "Darn! These stairs are killin' me!" ...the other says, "It's ain't the stairs I can't stand, it's the low handrails!"

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Funny Picture

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)

Animals

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Little Known Feline Ailments

ME! Ailments? NEVER!

Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet, etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.

Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.

Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.

Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

NON SPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).

Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone, etc.

Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.

SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owner's earlobes/ nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.

Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.

Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.

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Be politically correct

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)

He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)

He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.

He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.

He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.

He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.

He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.

He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.

He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.

He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.

He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.

He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.

He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.

He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.

He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.

He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.

He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.

He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.

Read all jokes from:Military (+607)

How do Italians teach their children to

How do Italians teach their children to correctly put on underwear?
Yellow to the front, Brown to the back!

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Seeexy!!!

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Salvatore was getting old and because his

Salvatore was getting old and because his cheeks had become craggy and sunken, he found it hard to shave himself properly.He decided to go to Gregorio's barber shop and explain his problem.
Gregorio sat him in the chair,produced a specially shaped piece of wood which he placed between Salvatore's cheek and gum.After a few minutes Gregorio had given him a perfect shave.
Salvatore was pleased and said he would come back to Gregorio's every day for a shave.
"Just one thing," said Salvatore, "what happens if I swallow the wooden ball when you are shaving me?"
"You bring it back the next day like everyone else does," said Gregorio.

Read all jokes from:Italian (+654)

Animals

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An 8 year old boy walks home

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!"
Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.

The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah".
The little boy angryly points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.

The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!".
The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2428), Men vs. Women (+5691)

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One blonde to another: Have you ever

One blonde to another: Have you ever read Shakespeare?
No. Who wrote it?

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Zoology test

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"

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Q: Define: Genius

Q: Define: Genius
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.

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When the old golfer died, Peter met

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.
"Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see
the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back
in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game."

"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry
Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered.

"Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy."

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's
office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..."

"So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain."

"Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!"

"OK. Try me, " replied the Lord.

"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and
I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it
was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took
my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..."

"And that's when you took my name in vain?"

"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..."

"So, that is when you took my name in vain?"

"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches
of the hole..."

"Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!"

Read all jokes from:Golf (+379)

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Father: How were the exam questions? Son

Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

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Follow my leader

Little Emma is watching her mother preparing their Shabbat dinner – this week it's Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking. So Emma asks, "Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?"
Her mother pauses for a few seconds, then replies, "That's a good question, Emma. It's what my mother always did when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same. But I've no idea why. Let's phone bubbeh and ask her."
So they phone bubbeh and ask why she always sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking.
Bubbeh replies, "You know, Im not sure why – that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef."
Because they are now very curious, they visit Emma's great grandmother in the nursing home and say to her, "You know when we make Salt Beef, why do we always slice off the ends before cooking it?"
"I dont know why you do it," says the great grandmother, "but I never had a saucepan that was large enough!"

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Animals

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Seeexy!!!

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Bedroom golf

* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.

* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.

* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)

Q. How do Italian girls shave their

Q. How do Italian girls shave their legs?
A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them.

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Girls

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But Officer...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

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Ok, I'm going to get a lot

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat
so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her
teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns
into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

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Animals

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Future Baseball Star

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat:
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.

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A man was caught for speeding and

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."

The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

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Cars

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The older golfer

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Read all jokes from:Sport (+1015)

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."

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Animals

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Irishman declares war

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."

So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So

Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)

Cars

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Long Live The Lawyer?

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations!!!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?!" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old!"

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Read all jokes from:Law (+1200)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Human Geography

Geography of a Woman

* Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

* Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

* Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

* Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France, gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.

* Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

* Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

* Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

* After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Geography of a Man

* Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)

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Boston definitions:

Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.

If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is club soda. Pop is dad. When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER.

The smallest beer is a pint.

Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.

If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.

It's not a water fountain, it's a bubblah.

It's not a trash can, it's a barrel.

It's not a shopping cart, it's a carriage.

It's not a purse, it's a pockabook.

Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans.

They're not franks, they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.

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