- The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
- Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
- If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.
- I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
- In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
- I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
- Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
- Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
- The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only "what is".
- The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha - ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.
- The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
- The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
- There are never enough "I Love You"'s.
- When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.
Leonard Alfred Schneider who was known as Lenny Bruce
