15 jokes: January 2008

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

15 jokes 01/23/08

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: - 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

Sarah was a curious thirteen year old girl. "Mommy," she said, "I'd like you to answer one question."
"Very good," replied her mother, "I was wondering when you would become curious about birds, flowers and bees."
"It's not that," said the girl. "I know all about screwing. What I would like to know is how to make lasagna."

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That, son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."
A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman..."

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
"HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
"You're going to die," she replied.

Q What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
A Anorexic.

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl friend he'd have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them.
She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm he went back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could not continue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.
She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm he went back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been out there five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his hands.
His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?"

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been.
"Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."

ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain... we haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Love, Mom

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

15 jokes 01/22/08

While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you?"
"Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that?"
"Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh, "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved."

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Q Do you know the problem with lawyer jokes?
A Lawyers don't think they're funny, and the rest of us don't think they're jokes!

Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70. When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"
The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."
His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."
The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the "statue."
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he said to the statue "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"
The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."
"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questionedn his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat - not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

Monday, January 21, 2008

15 jokes 01/21/08

Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers. The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount!"
The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other: "We could eat the 30, I suppose."

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
Mathematician: "Never."
Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time."
Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.
She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions."
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.
The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes."

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

Sunday, January 20, 2008

15 jokes 01/20/08

Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life!" she announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old."
The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.
"But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"
"I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears.
"How could you do this to me!!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!!"
"No, no Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your operation."
Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger, "And who sent those?"
"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen! you hit her with the shovel!"

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."

Dirty Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off.
He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.
They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.
The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."

Dentist: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams."
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "Well, there are about 20 people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4."

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife, "Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones."
"Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies.
"But I want you to, Maude."
"But why?" Maude asks.
"Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!"

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling," she replied.
And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You know... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month."

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. The guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back.
Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

Saturday, January 19, 2008

15 jokes 01/19/08

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself."
The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.", She explained.
The Mother Indian paused for a moment then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said,
"I'm Eddie,
I'm here to pick up Betty.
We're going for spaghetti,
is she ready?"
No.

The second beau came to the door and said,
"I'm Joe,
I'm here to pick up Flo
to take her to the show.
Is she ready to go?"
No.

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer.
"Hello, my name is Chuck."

The farmer shot Chuck.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway... about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

Friday, January 18, 2008

15 jokes 01/18/08

A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach. "What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor.
"Oysters," she said.
"Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the lady
"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"
"My Gosh," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a
giraffe walked in.
"Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!"
"Well, why not try your luck?" replied the lion.
So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!"
"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asked the lion.
"Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000. The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too."

A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, she starts screaming but the horse seemingly unoticing its rider continues...
Now Vikki is grabbing on the the horses mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to fail. The blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off the horse.

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.
While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."
The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"

A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives. Without preamble the hooker says, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's for a hand job."
"$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the man exclaimed. "No hand job in the world could be worth $500!"
The hooker summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. "See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I can
do with my hands."
Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual experience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker, "God that was fantastic! How much for a blowjob?"
"$2500," the hooker replied.
"$2500 for a blowjob?" Cried the astonished man. "That's way too much!"
Again the hooker summons the man to the window, this time pointing across the street. "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? I own that because of what I can do with my mouth."
"Oh no," moans the man, "this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it."
Once again the hooker takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified.
As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know. How much do you get for pussy?"
The hooker drags the man to the window for a third time, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on the corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!"

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde 1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde 2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."

Thursday, January 17, 2008

15 jokes 01/17/08

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some "Aftershave Lotion" around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"
Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!"

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain
saw? He said "I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day."
He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day. The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.
The hillbilly jumped back and said "what the hell is that noise?"

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you... Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad ews. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this." Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married", he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children.
The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and there are only three parachutes.
The doctor yells out, "Save the children"
The lawyer yells out "F@CK THE CHILDREN!"
The priest yells out "IS THERE TIME?"

One neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you f@cking your wife."
Joe responds "The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."

The patient came into the doctor's office, suffering from amnesia.
The doctor asked, "Have you ever had it before?"

Leonard Alfred Schneider who was known as Lenny Bruce

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only "what is".
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha - ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
There are never enough "I Love You"'s.
When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Apple MacBook Air! PICTURE OF THE DAY!!!

15 jokes 01/16/08

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper. In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... physically attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.
"How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"
"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats..."

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f@ck the cat."

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money.
Well, a couple of hours later the old lady got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy."

A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon."
The preacher says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".
The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."
The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the Lords house again".
The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".
The preacher says "NO SHIT"?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

15 jokes 01/13/08

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde, "Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim. Please tell me how you did this!"
The second blonde then says, "But you ARE on the otherside!"

This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want to move to the back seat?"
She replies, "NO!"
Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"
To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd be lonely back there!"

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."
She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:

No Taxes
No Debt
Plenty buffalo
Plenty beaver
Medicine man free
Women did all the work
Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

Q.Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A.To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

15 jokes 01/12/08

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief says, "Yeah".
When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi".
After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you... you know... eat their....things"?
The chief says, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuers.
"NO", replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with COKE!!!"

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love... He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?"
"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Lunching with English friends at the time of her husbands reverement, Madame de Gaulle was asked what she was looking forward to in the years ahead.
"A penis." she replied without hesitation. The embarrassed silence that followed was broken by the former President.
"My dear, I don't think that the English pronounce the word like that, it is appiness"

A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on fire!"

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"
The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT!

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards - his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you..."

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