At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20. Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix."
The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?"
"I'm eight, sir."
"Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?"
"Since I was raped, sir, when I was four."
"RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?"
"I don't remember, I was drunk."
"Welcome aboard *** Airlines Flight XXX, to YYY!
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.
"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."
"Okay, boss."
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"
"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."
Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.
Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
Bob: Darts?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Shoot some pool?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Cards?
Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and
fool around with my wife.
Bob: Whadaya mean?
Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around
with my wife.
Bob: What about me?
Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.
Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...
Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!
at Bill's house
Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how much is that watch?"
"It's $2000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"
"Just what sort of "time schedule" did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."
Cop coming upon a young couple making out....
Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
Boy: We're necking.
Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.
During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"
The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him.
The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"
With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.
