The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group of new troops on making a proper jump. He told them: "When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up, you hook up. When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your shoot to open. Got It? Good, get in the plane."
After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP! Hook UP!" and began shoving the troops out the door. Just after the last trooper exited, the sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someone knocking on the door. He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked him in the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?
So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer
...and be the butt of any joke on the internet.
I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most.
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."
Once when Mary was young her school had a halloween party for them Mary decided to go as a pirate after she had donned her costume she went into the family room to show her family they were impressed.
Mom said you look terrific mary you have your sabre,and your parrot on your shoulder,and look you even have a neat sack to carry your booty, but where are your buccaneers?
Says Mary, my buccaneers are under my buccanhat!
New scientific theories
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
He Salesman says, "why do you ask?"
She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red ?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."
