Today jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How much money have you got?

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A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

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A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne... the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
"That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."
"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love?"

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A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Arizona."
"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter... and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"

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Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies. Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife.
Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a sharp, gasping intake of air. "Jimmy," she asked through titely clenched teeth, "Just where are your underwear?"
Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck. "My God!" he cried with aggrieved dismay. "I've been robbed!"

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Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet, sensitive men in this world?
Because they already have boyfriends!

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The doorbell rings in the middle of the night, and the wife gets up to see who it is. She comes back to bed and the husband says, "Who was that?"
The wife says, "Oh, it was some woman." The husband is freaked out. He says, "Well, uh, what did she want?"
The wife says, "She wanted to know if the coast was clear!" The husband is really nervous now. He says, "Well, what did you tell her?"
The wife says, "I told her the coast is a hundred miles from here; how in the heck do I know if it's clear or not?"

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Today jokes

Today jokes

Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of
breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"

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For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put You are not getting older at the top, and You are just getting better at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

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A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. "Ooooooo!" she wailed, "I am the Devil!"
He sticks out his hand... "Put it there, pal," he says, "I am married to your sister."

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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

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Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."
Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."
Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?" With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."
And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping
himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.
"Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.
Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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If men had PMS, what would happen?

1. The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
   
2. Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
   
3. There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
   
4. All of the above.

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A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together, "Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonite."
The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies, "An elephant".
The wife says "That's close enough!"

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An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?"
"I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off."
"Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"
"We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber."
"Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"
"Seagull droppings," says the Captain.
"Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out."
"Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."

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A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife."
"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.
"I got married again," the man sobbed.
"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

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Today jokes

Today jokes

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split."

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright but after a few months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean. The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

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Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.
No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

All My Love,
Jimmy

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

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There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing. His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish floated to the top. The game warden said, "That's illegal, you can't do that."
The fisherman goes, "Really?" He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water. The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the top.
The game warden said, "Stop that now, and take this boat back to shore...I'm going to have to give you a citation and confiscate all your gear."
The fisherman said,"Oh, really?"
He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into the game warden's lap, and said "You gonna sit there and keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?"

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It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

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"Information. Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore..."

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

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One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story.

Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't f#ck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

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A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.
Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee.
"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."
"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log."
"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun."

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth"?
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

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Today jokes

Today jokes

Chain Letter Type III

Hi there!
This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.
This Could Happen To You!!!

Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.

Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3 children and lived happily ever after. Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.

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A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "IT STOPPED ME!!!"

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable
for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: "Legal Consultation Service: $150.00"

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The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions - age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
"Oh," he mused, "It was 1945."
"Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.
"I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13."

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An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three knots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

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The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

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First," said the playboy,
"I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

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A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

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A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.
As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

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Today jokes

Today jokes

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

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"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.
"How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"
"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats..."

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A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths..."
The girl replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen..."

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When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Joe.
"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

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A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

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Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

---

---

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a
minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

---

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

---

---

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I
go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."

---

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

---

Today jokes

Today jokes. Friday Sports.

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

---

Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team. "It's fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and weave through your opponents."
Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out, "I suppose it all comes from early training, sir. You see, my mom used to take me shopping with her on sale days."

---

---

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.
"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."

---

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, "Golf Course or Intercourse?" So she says, "Wear your sweater."

---

---

This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns.
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.
"Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun.
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them.
"Well sh%t, Goddamn, hell, f#ck!" exclaims the nun.
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a f#ckin' tree."

---

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

---

---

Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

---

"Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet".
"No kidding? How much memory will it take up?".
"Not much, just two Bytes."

---

---

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
"What happened?" says the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Harry had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," says the wife.
"I know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

---

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

---

Today jokes. Friday Sports.

Today jokes

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

---

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck." The farmer shot Chuck.

---

---

A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.
"Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them.
"Aren't you talking to me?" his missus snapped.

---

Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack.
All his friends didn't know how to break the news to his wife, finally Johnny said: "I can be diplomatic about it and break the news gently!".
Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his wife answered the door, he calmly said to her: "Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!"
When Tim's wife heard this she said: "Tell him to just drop dead!"
Johnny answered: "That's exactly what he did!".

---

---

This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks "Whats a failic symbol?"
Doctor says "you're kidding..."
Girl says "No! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol?!"
Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says "You see? This is a failic symbol!"
Girl says "Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller"

---

One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with her."
To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his companion "good night", he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her money. "If you don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds!"
The next day, he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed to his atorney and explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the court as follows:
- Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the Defendant for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The Defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed amount. The rent was by no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask Judgment be granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.
The Defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense was, therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it.
- Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property,that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his stones, erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him personally. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted.
The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:
- Your Honor, my client agrees that the Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well existed, he would not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the Defendant removed his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do the cleaning up, but he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus making it very easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be granted.
SHE GOT IT!

---

---

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-5555 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555-5555 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-5555 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-5555 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

---

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

"Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!
IT REALLY WORKS!

---

---

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

---

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

---

Today jokes

Today jokes

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

---

Two doctors found themselves on the beach in Hawaii. As a real bevy of bikini-clad females walked by, one said, "Look at the legs among that group."
"Sorry old chap," replied the second doctor. "But I'm a chest man myself."

---

---

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"No!!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

---

Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are. The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says "We're just over Paris"
"How do you know" ask the others
"Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."
Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London"
"How?" asks the others
"Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben"
Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow."
"How do you know that?" comes the reply.
"Because some bastard has just stolen my watch"

---

---

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking:

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.

The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)reindeer and
specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a
red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately
departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

---

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, I don't know. You put down Neither do I."

---

---

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

---

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says: "Get gas and free sex here". So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.
"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier.
"Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied.
"Nope! Sorry play again".
So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked: "This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex!" He screamed.
"Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!"

---

---

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday."
Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"
The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

---

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his
purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

---

Today jokes

Today jokes

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20. Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."

---

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

---

---

A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix."
The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?"
"I'm eight, sir."
"Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?"
"Since I was raped, sir, when I was four."
"RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?"
"I don't remember, I was drunk."

---

"Welcome aboard *** Airlines Flight XXX, to YYY!
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

---

---

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.
"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."
"Okay, boss."
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"
"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

---

Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.
Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
Bob: Darts?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Shoot some pool?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Cards?
Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and
fool around with my wife.
Bob: Whadaya mean?
Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around
with my wife.
Bob: What about me?
Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.
Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...
Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!
at Bill's house
Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!

---

---

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how much is that watch?"
"It's $2000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"
"Just what sort of "time schedule" did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

---

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....
Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
Boy: We're necking.
Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.

---

---

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"
The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him.
The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

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With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.

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Today jokes

Today jokes

Pilot to tower... pilot to tower... I am 300 miles from land... 600 feet over water... and running out of fuel... please instruct!
Tower to pilot... tower to pilot... repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in Heaven..."

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John was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the "eighth" time John told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".
After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"

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Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl replied.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the level about this."

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A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!"
The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Bitch!"
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

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A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

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The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, "What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means "woman"?"
The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up. "*A*unt, your Holiness."
The Pope didn't speak for a second. "Oh." He paused. "Do you have an eraser?"

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A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking.
"Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off."
"No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins."

So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom.
"Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once.
"Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanising all over his territory."
"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married."
"Then how do you account for all of these things?"
"Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins?"

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A little kid comes running into the backyard.
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

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Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town.
"How're thangs with y'all, Pete?" one asked.
"Not bad atall," Pete replied. "My old woman ain't talkin' to me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her."

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A man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to. He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, "I'm moving here from the city, what do you guys do around here?"
The men answered, "Go hunt'n, kill things, 'n screw".
He then asked, "What do you hunt and kill?"
The men replied, "Sumt'n ta screw."

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Today jokes