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Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."
"Why," asked the Rabbi.
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."
"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."
"The food wasn't kosher."
"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.
"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."
"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"
"What, on Yom Kippur?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)
During the weeks before Amy's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
Some Bacon and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender stops them and says "sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?
A: A bitemare!
Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)
Sadie is 65 years old and has always remained unmarried, yet she desperately wanted a baby of her own. So with the help of modern science and with the help of a fertility specialist, Sadie has her miracle baby.
When she gets home, all her friends and relatives come to see her and meet the newest member of her family.
But when they ask to see the baby, Sadie says, "not yet."
A little later they again ask to see the baby and again Sadie says, "not yet."
Finally they ask, "So when can we see the baby?"
Sadie replies, "When the baby cries."
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" they say.
Sadie replies, "Because I forgot where I put it."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put you through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?
I think the cops have every right to shoot you if you're running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
And what is going on with gas prices... again?
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.
We need our country back!
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
1. He dries himself on your bed sheets after a bath.
2. He barks uproariously at doorbells on TV, but doesn't make a sound when a stranger comes to your door.
3. He not only wants to sleep in bed with you but wants to share your pillow as well.
4. Or worse, he wants your pillow all to himself.
5. He barks in the middle of the night to let you know that he's thirsty and you've left the commode lid down.
6. He is more attracted to your fishing lures than any fish ever were.
7. He loves to roll in the motor oil drip spot in your garage and then go straight to bed - your bed.
8. He confuses your $10 a roll Christmas wrapping paper with his potty papers.
9. He becomes romantically involved with the ankles of your dinner guests.
10. He thinks of your cat as a chew toy.
Read all jokes from:Dog (+334), Lists (+729)
Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5688)
The Simpson's invited their new neighbors the Parkers over to dinner. During dinner Mr Simpson asked Mr Parker what he did for a living.
4 year old Billy Parker jumped in and said
"Daddy is a fisherman!"
To which Mrs Parker replied" Billy why do say that? Your daddy is a stock broker not a fisherman."
"No Mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says I just caught another fish."
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
There are two theories on how to successfully argue with a Jewish mother. Unfortunately, neither works.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year
old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
The time had arrived for Moshe to take his Leah to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, Moshe felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. Moshe was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
Leah and Moshe were ecstatic. When they got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
