What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The whole divorce
Rivkah is in court finalising her divorce. As soon as she signs the final paper and realises her divorce is complete, she says out loud, "At last, now all I have to do is arrange for a Get."
The judge hears her and asks, "Mrs Gold, what do you mean by 'Get'?"
Rivkah replies, "Well your Honor, a Get is a religious ceremony that's required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce."
"You mean like a Brit Milah?" asks the judge.
"Yes," Rivkah relies, "it's very similar. But in a Get, you get rid of the whole schmuck."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
Stop in the name of love!
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes!!"
Read all jokes from:Driving (+102)
Blonde camping
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4664)
Americans claim they have air superiority over
Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.
Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.
Read all jokes from:Military (+607)
Murphy's Laws of Sex
* Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
* Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
* Never argue with a women when she's tired - or rested.
* A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
* It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
* Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back in the spring but don't say no.
* A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
* Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
* Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
* Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
* Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
The boyfriend
TRUE STORY - A psychoanalyst told me last week end that a patient of his, who is Jewish, married, has two kids, a house in the suburbs with a two car garage etc. all of a sudden finds out that hes gay. He goes to his mother and says, "Mum, I just found out Im gay and have a boyfriend, his name is Heinrich."
His mother says, "Vot, youre going with a Nazis?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6997)
Heaven and Hell
When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.
"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical produce.
"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.
"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."
The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Sales Demo."
Read all jokes from:Sales (+103)
You might be a redneck crossdresser if...
- You go to family reunions to meet guys.
- You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that ain't.
- You wear combat boots with a minidress.
- You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger than your fist.
- You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack, a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame, and a Confederate flag on the tailgate, next to the bumper sticker that says "I sell Avon Skin-So-Soft."
- You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.
- You braid the hair that sticks through your fishnet stockings.
- Wear a black John Deere baseball cap with pearls.
- You use glitter to highlight your mustache.
- You wear tube tops with your mini, because it shows off your Harley-Davidson tattoo.
- Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.
- You keep spare ammo in your bra.
- You get a run in your stockings while changing a tire on your motorhome.
- Your purse is a toolbox.
- You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle nosed pliers.
- You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.
- You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.
- You call your vanity "your work bench."
- You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and eye liners.
- "Doing your nails" means sorting the ten-pennies from the sixteen-pennies.
- Your favorite leather skirt was made from the moose you shot last Fall.
- Your new sandals are made from truck tire re-treads your found on the road.
- You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.
- You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.
- Your best silver necklace is made from beer can pull-tabs.
- Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.
-. You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.
- Your moisturizer says "non-detergent SAE 10W30" on the container.
- You remove your leg hair with duct tape.
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1458)
Bad Luck
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day.
One day, he came to and motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."
The wife smiled softly as her husband continued, "When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked.
"I think you are bad luck!"
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+786)
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
Read all jokes from:Stories (+318)
Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian.
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Country run by Sicilian murderers
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
Q: What is Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite web site?
Q: What is Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite web site?
A: Alta Vista baby.
Read all jokes from:Celebrity (+967)
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Hashgacha jokes
K.O. - Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation
DANNY K - Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians
K SERA SERA - Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism
K MART - Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided
to discount their normal fees and make money through volume.
YUD K, VOV K - Under Divine Supervision
I'M OKAY, YOU'RE OKAY - Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Never let your man's mind wander
Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
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