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A jewish man and his wife were shipwrecked and stranded on a desert island.
After a few days, their strength was ebbing away and they were beginning to give up hope. Suddenly the man spotted a sail in the distance. "A sail, a sail!" he cried.
"Oh now," replied his wife, "I forgot my cheque book!"
(for those who don't get it, SALE)
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on.
He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your DENTIST. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT! I know what you were thinking!
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their
25th anniversary.
"HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you
can grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops
her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair
on my chest, now buy me a fur coat." "That's not your chest!" he roars
back. "Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married,
this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure
chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME
A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5687)
Why aren't tubas used in country/western bands?
Because they are HEAVY METAL!!!!
Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)
* It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
Read all jokes from:Alabama (+375)
* "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend."
* "You're different. I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."
* "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile but tell me more about yourself."
* "I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited."
* "Yes, of course I'm female."
* "No, this is my only screen name. You mean you can have more then one?"
* "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!"
* Male version is... "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out."
* "I'm not like most of the guys/gals here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other." (at the hotel coffee shop)
* "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts." (Which is true, it means: 'I'm horny and could care less, just type.')
* "Tonight my love... our souls have touched."
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)
A guy walks into the bar carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and with a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of shit, which scares the cat off his shoulder, and finally chases the cat out of the bar never to return.
Five days later the man returns; a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and a cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender, obviously annoyed at having to spend several hours cleaning up all the shit from the man's last visit, interrupted bitterly, "What the hell do you want?"
"I'd like a drink," responded the man.
"No way, not after your last escapade," snapped the bartender.
"But bartender, I'm in training," replied the man.
"Training! Training for what?" questioned the bartender.
"I'm training to be an airline pilot," responded the man.
"An airplane pilot?" questioned the bartender, "How do you figure?"
"Well," added the man, "I go on a trip, I do a little drinking, I shoot a little shit, I chase a little pussy and then I take five days off!"
Read all jokes from:Airline (+39)
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half- wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak), and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695)
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Read all jokes from:Miscellaneous (+55), Redhead (+78)
TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.
TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.
TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.
TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.
TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.
TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
Read all jokes from:Farm (+52)
Q: What's the difference between an Italian wife, a French wife and a Jewish wife?
A: When an Italian wife is having an affair, she says, "Mamma mia." When a French wife is having an affair, she says, "Ooh-la-la." And when a Jewish wife is having an affair, she says, "Issy, the ceiling needs painting."
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?'
Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)
* No need to saw off that damned house arrest anklet.
* Wobbly ISP performance not nearly as annoying as wobbly shopping cart wheel.
* No more blasts of perfume from the sample counter - until iSmell becomes available, that is.
* The terms of your parole prohibit you from coming within 500 yards of a real Victoria's Secret store.
* Don't have to worry about giving in to that Orange Julius temptation.
* Since you haven't been able to get through your front door in years, Godiva.com is a Godsend.
* Within seconds of buying grandma a large-print bible, you're back to downloading that sweet, sweet porn.
* Can continue to test your theory you can live without leaving your specially designed "BioChair 2".
* Can openly consult the voices in your head when buying that gift for Jodie Foster.
* Less contact with other humans means fewer on your list to be gunned down at a later date.
* You can finally get that kidney Uncle Bob always wanted.
* In a store, you can't pleasure yourself watching Tommy Lee put it to Pam while your purchase is being wrapped.
* No insensitive idiots razzing you about that place you tuck your wallet when you shop naked.
* When your name is Dick Buttlipz, it's better to not have to hand your Visa to a 16 year old sales clerk.
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1816)
- You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.
- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.
- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
- You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.
- Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top to the beach.
- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
- If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
- You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
- At some point in your life, you were a D.J
- 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.
- You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.
- Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.
- You build your house with 3 materials... . brick, brick and wrought iron.
- You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.
- Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.
- It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.
- Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut."
Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)
Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
