THE ONLINE ADDICTION POEM

You just awake, your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus, still draggin your butt
You know you need coffee, can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker and put the mug to your lip

The feeling is warm, just what you need
But you know you need more and its something to read
The paper you say? No, dont think so. Not it...
It's much more exciting, you cant wait to "click"...

You boot up your 'puter, you click that icon...
Can't keep from grinning, you're really turned on!
When the voice says "Welcome", your heart skips a beat!!
You know your addicted ... all the friends that you'll meet.

And then you see it, you wait with a stare....
The mail box lights up!! "You've got mail" waiting there!!
OH, what a feeling!! You look with delight!
You hoped you'd have mail and you knew you were right!!

So you go thru the mail knowing this is the "Best"..
Reading this reading that ... as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the "delete" key, others get your first click
You know you must hurry, you gotta be quick!

It is then that you hear it, you can't wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter, who's name will it be?
And then there it is, covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound ... Oh, you know what that means!!!

"Quick mail check" you promised, you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM and your pressing for time!
You know that you want to and respond you will
So you stop what your doing and go for the thrill!

You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and Hugs...
You type and send words, refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check turns to hours online!

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)

THE ONLINE ADDICTION POEM

An Economist is someone who didn't have

An Economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.

Read all jokes from:Financial (+1217)

An Economist is someone who didn't have

A fellow stopped at a rural gas

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
"Hold it, hold it," the fellow said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn't mean we can't work, does it?"

Read all jokes from:HR (+462)

A fellow stopped at a rural gas

People can be divided into three groups

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Read all jokes from:Quotes (+12)

People can be divided into three groups

Three Doctors in Heaven

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven... but only for 2 days."

Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)

Three Doctors in Heaven

Art of grading

Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Read all jokes from:College (+414)

Art of grading

Californians

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."

Read all jokes from:California (+18)

Californians

In a drunken haze

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)

In a drunken haze

Blowing chunks

A man walks into a bar acting really weird. He sits down and the man next to him asks, "What's wrong buddy?"

The man replied, "I've been blowing chunks all night!"

The man next to him replies, "Well that's not that bad, you just had to much to drink."

The man then said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)

Blowing chunks

Insufficient Funds

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Read all jokes from:Financial (+1217)

Insufficient Funds

Mary was having an affair during the

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband,
John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend,
Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out
the window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the
window and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raining
like hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches us
in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed
his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside
he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he
started running along side the others - only he was still in
the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels so
free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man: "Do you always run
carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly: "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked: "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4814)

Mary was having an affair during the

Cop coming upon a young couple making

Cop coming upon a young couple making out...
Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
Boy: We're necking.
Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.

Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)

Cop coming upon a young couple making

If Tyson gets banned for life, he

If Tyson gets banned for life, he could always become a barber. Think about it: You could walk into his shop and say, "Hey, Mike! Could you take a little off the ears?"

Read all jokes from:Sport (+1016)

If Tyson gets banned for life, he

How To Give a Dog or a Cat a Pill

CAT:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *$#'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


DOG:

1. Wrap pill in bacon, cheese, or peanut butter; make him beg.

Read all jokes from:Cat (+693), Dog (+335)

How To Give a Dog or a Cat a Pill

Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal

Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball?
Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1818)

Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal