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Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Blonde Pilot
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4663)
Chat up line
A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, "Do you want to play magic?"
"What's that?" she replies.
Grinning a little, he continues, "You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)
Blonde telephone company workers
Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer.
"Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said.
Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was the answer.
"Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?"
"Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground."
Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662)
Life's little problems
One day, as Rachel is cleaning her daughters bedroom, she notices a letter on the pillow addressed to her. With a worried feeling, Rachel reads the letter. This is what it said.
Dear Mum,
I'm sorry to have to tell you this but I've eloped with my new boyfriend. He's so different, Mum. What with his pierced tongue, his tattoos and his big motorcycle, I've found real passion with him. But that's not all. Im pregnant. But don't worry, Mick says that we will be very happy living in his caravan. He even shares my dream of having a big family and he wants to have more children with me.
He's very clever as well. He's taught me how to grow marijuana and I agree with him that it doesnt hurt anyone. So well be growing it not only for us but also all his friends.
Dont worry about our finances. Mick has arranged for me to appear in some homemade video films. I can earn $150 per scene, more if there are three men involved. But dont worry, Im 15 years old and know how to take care of myself.
In the meantime, Mum, please pray that science will soon find a cure for AIDS. Mick deserves to get better.
Love Rebecca
PS This letter is not true - it's all make believe. Actually, Im at our neighbours house. I just wanted to prove to you that there are worse things in life than denting your Lexus car.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Did you hear about the new italian
Did you hear about the new italian tires? Dago round corners, dago over pot holes and when they go flat dago wop wop wop wop.
Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)
Down a deep hole
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)
Signs Your Cat Has Learned How To Use Your Computer
You get email flames from some guy named Fluffy."
Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
Your web browser has a new home page at CalicoScootz.com:
Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."
Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
On ICQ, you're known as the IronMouser.
Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695), Lists (+729)
The Creation of Dogs
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth
(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
Marriage
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."
The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
This old man in his eighty's got
This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why, are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She replied, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He asked why.
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1843)
Flying High
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."
Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the Kol Nidre appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
You Know You're A Mom...
You know you're really a mom when...
1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.
3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
5. Your child throws up and you catch it.
6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
8. You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.
9. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, and you do it.
10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.
11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
12. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
13. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
14. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.
15. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.
16. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second month.
17. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.
18. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."
19. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
20. You read that the average 5-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."
21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
Read all jokes from:Kids (+2423)
Expensive perfumes
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)
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