The Start-Up Screen

During 12th grade, I read up a book called "Stupid Mac Tricks." One of the tricks in it was how to replace the Mac's startup screen. As a joke, I made a graphic of a black-bordered white box with a gray background. The text in the box read, "This computer will self-destruct in ten seconds. Thank you, Apple Computer Co." I made this the startup screen for a computer in my high school's computer lab.
The next day an "out of order" sign was taped to the monitor. The lab attendants usually wrote the reason on the bottom edge of the paper, so I leaned in to read what had been written there. It said, "Will self-destruct."

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The Start-Up Screen

The Telegram

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed more stock.

Before leaving for another ranch to check on a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "That'll be 99 cents per word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods and says, "Okay, I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you only send her the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde and it's a big word ...she'll read it slowly."

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The Telegram

Jesus is Watching You

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."

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Jesus is Watching You

McDonald's excuses for the condom found in a Big Mac

* We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan."

* Condom, condiment--what's the damn difference?

* It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe."

* It was either there or in the vanilla shake.

* Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.

* We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal."

* So what... a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.

* Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"

* Drive-thru speaker broken --"Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device."

* When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

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McDonald's excuses for the condom found in a Big Mac

jewish chinese homosexual

what do you call a jewish chinese homosexual? a heblew

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jewish chinese homosexual

Funny Picture

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Funny Picture

Why Women Love Men!

They got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.

They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not.

Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.

The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backward of their inner Little Leaguer.

How tender they get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.

What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.

They make excellent companions when driving through neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.

They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.

They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor their neighbors say.

They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.

How nice their butts look in jeans.

Hold nice their hands look holding ours.

Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out.

They give great hugs, (and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you" is added)

They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our hearts and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to.

They don't care whether colors match, but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be.

They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.

Read all jokes from:Women (+407)

Why Women Love Men!

A seal visits a local bar

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

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A seal visits a local bar

Bar room translations

* "You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

* "I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

* "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

* "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female - I'm easy.)

* "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male - I'm gay.)

* "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

* "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

* "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

* "I don't feel well, let's go home." (male - I'm horny.)

* "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

* "Excuse Me." (male to male - Get the hell out of the way.)

* "Excuse Me." (male to female - I am going to grope you now.)

* "Excuse Me." (female to male - Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way!)

* "Excuse Me." (female to female - Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

* "What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)

* "Can I have a white Russian?" (male - I'm *really* gay.)

* "Can I have a white Russian?" (female - I'm *really* easy.)

* "That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)

* "Can I just get a glass of water?" (female - I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

* "I don't have my ID on me." (female - I'm 19.)

* "I don't have my ID on me." (male - I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 1.4 after my last visit here)

Read all jokes from:Bar (+1636)

Bar room translations

10 Guinness's

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure."
So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

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10 Guinness's

The Blonde and the Lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now
agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

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The Blonde and the Lawyer

The Creation Story As Told by the Cat

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.

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The Creation Story As Told by the Cat

A dietitian was once addressing a large

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"

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A dietitian was once addressing a large

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens
to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The
first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this
one, which is called Lipshitz."
"What a diamond!"
"How lucky you are!"
"Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady,
"Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous
Lipshitz curse!"
The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?"
"Lipshitz," sighed the lady.

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A buxom blonde wore, at a charity

A car breaks down along the expressway

A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trenchcoats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic.

One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

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A car breaks down along the expressway