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Sunday, August 29, 2010
The announcement
At the start of his flight to Tel Aviv, Michael Lebovitz heard the following announcement "We are now going to show you a safety video. There may well be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only five ways to leave your aircraft. So please pay attention."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)
High military ranks
When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.
"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.
So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.
"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.
No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.
"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.
"I am a dope," whispered Reggie.
Read all jokes from:Military (+607)
The 10 commandments
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the waiting mass.
The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)
The affair
Moshe tells Abe one day, "I'm having an affair with a married woman called Freda."
Abe replies, "Mazeltov. I've been in the same situation myself so I'm in a good position to give you a piece of valuable advice."
"So tell me this advice, already," says Moshe.
"Well," replies Abe, "You must keep your affair a secret under pain of death. Only you, Freda and every one of her best friends must know."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Using nails on a house
These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.
He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"
Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+694)
Sex With Gorilla
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
A man comes home and hears hard
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from
inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor
of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having
a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the
doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,
there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet
door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it,
my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare
the kids"!!!
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
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