A bikini is the closest thing to a barbed-wire fence...it protects the property without obstructing any of the view.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
Monday, April 23, 2012
A bikini is the closest thing to
A divorce is like an amputation; you
A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there's less of you.
Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787)
The Bitch
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
Read all jokes from:France (+20)
Airplane Hijinx
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Your Time is Short
Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.
Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
You're just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.
I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"
Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well, here in America, we stand by our brothers.
As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishing.
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever; Your death has become our next endeavor.
What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.
Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.
We'll band together and fill the holes;
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.
But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue!
So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to kick your ass!!!
Read all jokes from:America US (+264)
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7000)
The Cat And the Milkman
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
The Creation of Dogs
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth
(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Read all jokes from:Dog (+334)
It's all OK
David and his friend Paul were talking.
David says, "You and I use the same call girl and I've discovered she is charging you, an accountant, twice as much as she charges me. Aren't you angry?"
"No", replies Paul, "I use the double entry system."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Par for the course
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband replies, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you dong?" she says.
The husband replies, "I'm still hungry so I was going to order room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"NO! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
Read all jokes from:Golf (+379)
Mickey Mouse Outfit
It was a very tight Christmas for one family. The father told his small son that he could only have one small gift. The little boy said, "I want a Mickey Mouse hat." That year he got the hat he wanted.
The next year was again very bad and the child was told that he could only choose one gift. The little boy said, "I want a Mickey Mouse shirt." He got the shirt.
The third year was much better. The father told his son that Christmas that he could have whatever he wanted. The excited little boy shouted, "I want a Mickey Mouse outfit."
So his dad bought him the Arizona Cardinals.
Read all jokes from:Arizona (+117)
The prescription
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
Read all jokes from:Medical (+1844)
Irish Declare War On France
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
Read all jokes from:Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
I Want My FTP
(Sung to the tune of "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits)
I want my
I want my
I want my FTP.
Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it
You get the files from the FTP
That ain't programming, that's the way you do it
Programs for nothing and the code is free
Now that ain't programming, that's the way you do it
Let me tell you those guys aren't pissed
Maybe break a nail on your little finger,
Maybe get some numbness in your wrist.
We've got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We've got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.
See the little user with his gifs and the jpegs
Yeah buddy he's got root
That little user got his own workstation
That little user got his own disk to boot.
We've got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We've got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.
I should've learned to run xarchie
I should've learned to play them games
Look at that mama, her gif is sticking in the monitor
Man we could have some fun
And he's up there, what's that? Orgasm noises?
Playing sound files like a grade-school geek
That ain't programming that's the way you do it
Get your programs for nothing get your code for free.
We've got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We've got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.
Now that ain't programming, that's the way you do it
You get your programs from the FTP
That ain't programming that's the way you do it
Programs for nothing and your code for free
Programs for nothing and code for free.
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1819)
Ooops
Mervyn and Kitty are sitting in an expensive kosher restaurant in Golders Green enjoying their salt beef and latkes when Mervyn notices Kitty staring at a man at the next table. The man looks decidedly drunk, so Mervyn asks Kitty, "Youve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes," she replies, "hes my ex-husband."
"Has he always been a heavy drinker?" Mervyn asks.
"No, not always," Kitty replies, "but he's been drinking like that ever since I left him six years ago."
"Thats remarkable," says Mervyn, "I didnt think anybody could celebrate that long."
Kitty hasn't spoken to Mervyn since.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
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