There were three guys in a bar

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of
control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a
while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what
about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her
hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in
unison.

"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight
like a man!' " he admitted.

Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)

There were three guys in a bar

Three Nature Lovers

Three nature lovers went for a drive into the mountains one day to see if they could spot some bears. They wanted to take
pictures of bears for their photo album. So they drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a
curve, they spotted a sign that read: "BEAR LEFT."
So they turned around and went home.

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

Three Nature Lovers

Three Little Italian Pigs

Once upon a time, there were 3 Italian pigs. Giancarlo,
the owner of a straw house, Antonio, the owner of a stick
house, and Guido, the owner of a brick house.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to Giancarlo's house
and said, "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house
down." And he did!
So Giancarlo went running over to Antonio's house and said
"Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"
So Antonio let Giancarlo in.
Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff
and blow your house down!" And he did! Antonio and Giancarlo
went running over to Guido's house and said "Let us in! The
wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So Guido
let them in.
The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff, and
puff and blow your house down." While he was huffing and
puffing, Giancarlo and Antonio were scared! But Guido picked
up the phone and called a friend.
All of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out
came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras.
These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the
neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, one of them
pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. They left
the wolf for dead, got back into their limo, and drove off.

Joncarlo and Antonio were amazed! They asked Guido, "Who the hell were those guys?

And Guido responded, "Oh, those are my cousins... the Guinea Pigs."

Read all jokes from:Ethnic (+695)

Three Little Italian Pigs

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!
Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!

Read all jokes from:School (+377)

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you

Q: What did the sled dogs say when their pizza was delivered?

Q: What did the sled dogs say when their pizza was delivered?
A: "Arctic hare, lemmings... Hey! Didn't we order puffins on this thing?" (And what about the mutts-erella cheese?)

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)

Q: What did the sled dogs say when their pizza was delivered?

Dividing Nuts

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road.

The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered.

Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

Read all jokes from:Kids (+2425)

Dividing Nuts

The Jewish Barbie

The last time I was I New York, my daughter requested that I bring back a Barbi doll. So I stopped in a toy store in the Jewish area and started looking around.
"How much is this Barbie doll set?"
"$19.95." the Jewish merchant answered.
"How much is the set here, Barbie at the beach?"
"Also $19.95."
I eyed another set, "how much is Barbie in the discotecque?"
"Also $19.95."
"And this one here, Barbie at home?"
"Also $19.95."
"Well, what about this one, Barbie goes shopping?"
"Also $19.95."
"O.K., how about this, Barbie gets married?"
"Also $19.95."
"And this, Barbie plays tennis?"
"Also $19.95."
"What about this one. Barbie get a Bat Mitzvah?"
"Also $19.95."
I eyed the last one and hoping for a lower price asked, "How much is this, Barbie gets a divorce?"
"Ah, dots $199.95!"
"Wow, why so much?"
"Vell, dot comes vit Ken's car, Ken's wardrobe, Ken's house, und, Ken's benk account!"

Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)

The Jewish Barbie

Fairy Godmother

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when - all of a sudden - a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered."

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198), Cat (+695)

Fairy Godmother

Three Brothers

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey.

Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering
three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

Read all jokes from:Drunk (+137)

Three Brothers

A lawyer and his two stockbroker buddies

A lawyer and his two stockbroker buddies took a month off to sail across the Atlantic. Midway across they hit a hurricane and the yacht sank, leaving barely enough time for all three to radio for help and scramble into a rubber life raft. The raft was riding very low in the water and being circled relentlessly by six or seven sharks when a Coast Guard launched a small rescue boat. A giant wave came along and swamped the survivor's raft. In an instant the sharks mauled the stockbrokers into little more than hamburger, but then broke apart to form a pathway and escort the survivor safely into the hands of the Coast Guard. "Damn!" gasped one of the astonished sailors. "That was a miracle!" "Nah," explained the lawyer modestly, wringing the seawater out of his shirt. "Just professional courtesy!"

Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218), Law (+1200)

A lawyer and his two stockbroker buddies

What's the definition of an optimist?

What's the definition of an optimist?

An accordion player with a pager.

Read all jokes from:Music (+2468)

What's the definition of an optimist?

You know you're italian when...

- You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.
- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.
- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
- You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.
- Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top to the beach.
- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
- If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
- You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
- At some point in your life, you were a D.J
- 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.
- You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.
- Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.
- You build your house with 3 materials... . brick, brick and wrought iron.
- You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.
- Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.
- It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.
- Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut."

Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)

You know you're italian when...

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" - "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Read all jokes from:Blonde (+4662)

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding

On Judgement Day

At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

• The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

• The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

• Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

• Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.

• You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)

On Judgement Day

Definitions:

string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

detach

Read all jokes from:Music (+2467)

Definitions: