A Barmitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6999)
Monday, August 1, 2011
A Barmitzvah is defined as the day
Man is Like an Automobile...
* As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.
* The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!
* The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
* The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!
* It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
* His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position' and ya can't get anywhere that way.
* But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5690)
You might be a computer geek if...
* At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
* Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
* Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
* In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
* The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
* You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
* You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
* You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
* You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
* You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
* You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
* You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
* You know what http:// stands for.You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
* You see a good design and still have to change it.
* You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
* You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
* You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep, or they're just equalizing air pressure on both sides of their eardrums.
* You window shop at Radio Shack.
* You're both in the back-seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
* Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
* Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
* You've already calculated how much you make per second.
* You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
Read all jokes from:Technology (+1817)
Bumper Stickers
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me ... Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
I is a college student.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
Read all jokes from:Driving (+102)
Their Golden Anniversary
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599)
yom kippur
A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."
The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out."
"Alright," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6998)
A Strong Man
Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
The Top 10 Good Error Messages On Computer You Just Bought
1. "That URL was not found because frankly, I didn' try hard enough."
2. "If you continue to type that way, you'll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
3. "The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed."
4. "Normally, I would complain but I'll let that rough disk insertion slide this time."
5. "Don't worry, I'll clean up that beer stain."
6. "Its not a virus...its a STD(System Transmitted Disease)."
7. "Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click."
8. "That General Protection Fault is not yours."
9. "You're using MS Word 5.0 and that's a weenie version so why don't I upgrade you for free?"
10. "I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video... may I suggest another?"
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730)
Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom
Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off.
He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"
Read all jokes from:Little Johnny (+648)
An old man goes to the Wizard
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5689)
The economist Sergey Petroff was visited by
The economist Sergey Petroff was visited by his school-mate, who lived in Russia and was a new Russian.
"I live as if I founded myself in the paradise. I have whatever I desire!" boasted the mate. But his long monologue was finished with words:
"Nevertheless, I don't wish you such a life!"
"Why?" asked the writer.
"To penetrate into the Russian business is to enter the paradise: it is difficult to come in, but it is impossible to go out!" explained the new Russian.
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
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