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A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money.
On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five
fingers.
"Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?"
"No", says the old fellow, "it means that you can pick one out."
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4817)
One day whilst out walking in Golders Green, Max sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale." He's curious so he rings the bell. The owner tells Max the dog's name is Cindy. He then takes Max into the back garden where a cavalier King Charles spaniel is just sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" Max asks Cindy.
"Yes, of course I do," Cindy replies.
"So what can you tell me about yourself."
Cindy looks up at Max and says, "I discovered this special gift of speech when I was young and as I've always wanted to help my country, I told MI5 about it. In next to no time, they had me flying all over the world, sitting in rooms not only with royalty and world leaders but also with spies. No one figured a dog could be eavesdropping, so I was their most valuable spy. But all the jetting around really tired me out. I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I resigned and signed up for a job at Heathrow airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious people and listening in to their conversations. As a result, I uncovered some incredible plots and deals and received seven doggie awards. I had a husband and many puppies. Now, I'm retired."
Max is amazed and asks the owner how much he wants for Cindy.
The owner says, "$20."
Max says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling her so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Because Cindy is a liar - she didn't do any of the things she told you."
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7001)
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says:
"So, why the long face?"
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after
the wedding, the brides father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he
could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this
period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger
into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold,
and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This
thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own
pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear
from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking
for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted
ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale,
the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or
even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk"; means "bare shirt" in Norse,
and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called
Admiral Vernon "Old Grog", after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.
The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When
you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy".
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or
handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle
to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Now you can appreciate the importance of BEER throughout history.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
A little old lady walks into a taxidermist shop carrying the dead bodies of her pet male and female monkeys. She explains that they were her favorite pets and she misses seeing them around the house. "Would you like to have them mounted?" asks the taxidermist.
"Oh, no," she replies, "standing side by side will be just fine."
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
I want to join a violent, armed group with no regard for the law... but the IRS isn't hiring.
@IRS
Read all jokes from:Financial (+1218)
Yesterday,
All my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.
Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.
I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come to-
morrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...
Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.
What I
have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb..
... there goes my "A"...
Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
Oh, how I long for Yesterday.
-Dead Poet's Society
Read all jokes from:College (+414)
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
A Wookie told you to shave.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
At least one section of your X-Wing is bondo colored.
At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
If you hear... "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... "
In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right."
Parts of a TIE fighter you blew up hang as a trophy in your living room.
People mistake your house for a jawa used droids and speeder parts dealership.
That "disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans.
The cake at your wedding was sliced with a light saber.
The Force isn't the only thing that runs in your family.
The inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light... and they didn't have it.
The smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba's Gamorean guards.
The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is "them dadgum skeeters."
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
There is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
When storm kills power yer lightsaber illuminates your house until you gouge Bubba's eye out.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You actually enjoyed seeing the Princess Naboo get kicked off her throne and let a man rule the world. (from Josh083170)
You beat the Gammorean Guard in an "ugly" contest.
You bought hanging air fresheners for your friend's X-Wing at Christmas time.
You brand cattle with a lightsaber. (from Tweetheart86chic)
You call Hank Williams Jr. "master".
You call the Emporer "That old ugly dude in the house coat."
You call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.
You call your young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
You constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
You count B.O. as a Jedi power.
You describe the taste of an Ewok as "jus' like chicken."
You didn't read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
You ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
You feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
You fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
You got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You have a gun cabinet just for lightsabers.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire "them damn Yankees."
You have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your sister.
You have ever gone deer huntin' with a lightsaber.
You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had your R2 unit use its arc-welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingie to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
You have ever said, "Anger... Fear... Aggression... Yankees... the dark side are they."
You have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.
You have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.
You have ever used a lightsabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
You have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder.
You have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with bowling or a spitting contest.
You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
You have fish innards all over your lightsabor.
You have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing.
You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
You have the words "Foxy Lady" or a playboy bunny painted on your land speeder.
You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
You inherited a styrofoam cooler and a tackle box with your light saber.
You jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.
You meditate to old CCR records.
You own a pink flamingo with blaster holes in it.
You put your lightsaber down your pants and brag about your big dick.
You say "these are not the beers you are looking for."
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You think that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good looking chicks.
You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
You think the Death Star is in the outhouse.
You trim your beard and find a Mylock.
You use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
You use Jawas for a drink holders.
You use the "O" on stop signs to sight in your new blaster.
You use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.
You use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
You use your lightsabor as a bug zapper.
You use your lightsabor as a flare and you hear Ma say from the back porch, "Billy Bob, you get your ass in here rite now you're gunna put Bubba's other eye out!"
You use your lightsabor to open the door on your chevy pickup.
You were buried with your lightsabor.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
You wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home.
You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
You wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training.
You're flying a ship that has no original parts.
You've asked an Ewok to help you go coon hunting.
You've ever given someone a wedgie by using the force.
You've ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her.
You've ever taken a telephone pole down to test a lightsaber.
You've ever tested your lightsaber on your little brother "tell me if this hurts".
You've ever used a lightsaber to save yourself from a hellashus impact.
You've got a stuffed womp rat from Begger's Canyon on your mantle.
You've moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers.
You've used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon.
Your beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt to shame.
Your best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett's tail pipe.
Your blind date was arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin.
Your father finally agrees to take you deer hunting and he hands you a lightsaber and says, "May the force be with you."
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
Your father's name is Garth Vader.
Your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters.
Your favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes.
Your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millenium Falcon.
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
Your landspeeder has a gun rack.
Your lightsaber came with a "money back guarantee".
Your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
Your lightsaber is equiped with a "kick start".
Your lightsaber is the best lawnmower blade you've ever had.
Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
Your plan to destroy the Death Star included two M-80s and a half-gallon of granny's moonshine.
Your priest carries a lightsaber in his boot for emergencies.
Your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
Your X-Wing has a still in it.
You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.
Read all jokes from:Lists (+730), Redneck (+1460)
Moshe the lawyer arrived home at 10pm and opened his front door. He was shattered after a day of trying to get a stay of execution for William Rite. This client of Moshe's was due to be executed for murder at midnight and his last minute plea for clemency had failed. So as he entered his house, Moshe was understandably feeling very tired and depressed.
But when Moshe walked in, there was his Hetty waiting for him. "So what time of night do you call this?" she shouted at him, "Where have you been?"
Too weary to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, Moshe walked past her, went into the front room, poured himself a large whiskey, downed it in one go, then headed upstairs for a relaxing hot bath – all the time pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
The phone rang while Moshe was in the bath and when Hetty answered it, she was told that Moshe's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Quickly realising what a day Moshe must have had, she felt sorry for him and went upstairs to give him the good news. As Hetty opened the bathroom door, all she saw of Moshe was his naked rear view as he was bending over drying his feet. "Theyre not hanging Rite tonight," she said to Moshe.
Immediately, Moshe whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Hetty, dont you ever stop?"
Read all jokes from:Jewish (+7001)
The finest culture comes from Frontz
And hoe-knee-swat-key Molly-ponce!
Sally learned to speak in French
She's now a dame and not a wench.
Dick acquired that language fair
And now he's swayve and deb-an-err.
Speaking French will prove you're better
Show you've got a rays-on-debtor.
Read in French and sack-ray-blue!
You're sure to find your tom-pair-doo.
Write in French and you'll be famous
Just like muss-your Albert Camus.
You can bet your dairy-air
Your French will prove your salve-war-fare.
He who is a true believer
Shows his Gallic joyed-a-fever.
French cuisine is all the rage
So drink Bored-O with soft from-age.
Wear a little black beret
And eat cross-ants with French calf-A.
Then there's all that art you know
So speak bow-czar and art-new-foe.
And what a joy to smoke Get-tans
While watching films that come from Cans.
I guess it's not an easy job
To be a phony stuck-up snob...
Such games in Frontz they also play
But there "c'est snob" to speak anglais!
Read all jokes from:France (+20)
This snow plow driver from North Dakota got married. He and his new
Bride prepared for their wedding nite. He watched for a while as she
spread three different kinds of creams and then a white foam in
preparation for their love making. She finally announced that she was
ready. The man then asked if she still had that string of pearls
necklace that he admired so much.
She replied, "Well, yes darling, I do. But what in the world would you
need it for at a time like this?
He looked again at all her "preparations" and replied, "Ain't no way
I'm gonna try to go into a mess like that without chains."
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
Little Guido was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you? It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Guido replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"
Little Guido answered, "No, but he minded his own fucking business!"
Read all jokes from:Italian (+655)
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1638)
Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love
Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and
after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.
(The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim
sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and
she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.
No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have
the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope
you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.
All My Love,
Jimmy
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the
latest style - folded down with the fur showing.
Read all jokes from:Men vs. Women (+5691)
