Double trouble

"Oy, it's tough getting old," says Sam to his friend Hymie. "If it's not one problem, then it's another. As soon as I awoke this morning, I had two shocks, one after the other."
"So what happened, Sam?" asks Hymie.
"When I woke up," replies Sam, "I thought my water bed had broken."
"Well had it?" asks Hymie.
"No, it hadn't," replies Sam.
"Well that was alright then," says Hymie. "So what was your second shock?"
"I remembered that I didn't have a water bed," Sam replies.

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Double trouble

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The student psychiatrist from Texas

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

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The student psychiatrist from Texas

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Q: What's "68"?

Q: What's "68"?
A: You do me and I owe you one.

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Q: What's "68"?

Phone home

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 555-5555?"

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Phone home

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The great blonde kidnap

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

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The great blonde kidnap

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The Harvard graduates

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.

After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."

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The Harvard graduates

Animals

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Animals

Freak Show

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Freak Show

Q. What does a Jewish woman do

Q. What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A. Nothing, nothing at all.

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Q. What does a Jewish woman do

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More Brains Than Dogs

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?

So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.

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More Brains Than Dogs