The rift

By chance, Esther meets her friend Becky in Brent Cross shopping centre. "Well fancy seeing you here," says Esther, "I haven't seen you for at least a year. How's everything?"
"Oh fine... . I suppose," replies Becky.
"What do you mean by 'I suppose'?" asks Esther.
"Well," replies Becky, "my sister Rachel is very ill and is in hospital. I've just come back from visiting her."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear it," says Esther. "Is Rachel the sister who's not been speaking to you for some time?"
"Yes," replies Becky, "she fell out with me some 2 years ago and she hasn't spoken a word to me since."
"So why did you visit her?" asks Esther.
"My sister Rachel is almost impossible to deal with," replies Becky. "When she's broyges, she stays broyges, no matter what. But she's very ill and my son Arnold begged me to go see her, and so I did."
"How did the visit go then?" asks Esther.
"As soon as I walked into her ward, she said to me, "Becky, don't think that coming here automatically changes anything between us. Nevertheless, I want you to know that if I die, youre forgiven for all youve done to me. But, if I get well, please God, then I'll stay broyges with you."

broyges: angry

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The rift

Titanic and two jews

There wore two jews on the Titanic. They were named Moshe and Jankele. Both of them survived. In the saving boat, Moshe cried and cried. To be friendly to him Jankele said:
"Why are you crying? The boat wasn't yours."

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Titanic and two jews

The Jewish Olympics

If you read through the list of the events taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah Committee has made some changes. Some of the less-publicised events of particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, include: -
1. Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition. The vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
2. Synchronized Swimming: Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
3. Synchronized Tanning: Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
4. Team Handball: The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two litre bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition.
5. Triathlon: This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon.
6. Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.
7. Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper that balances the Chairman's wife's bank account in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.
8. Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
9. Rings: No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three C's," colour, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three S's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.

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The Jewish Olympics

A lawyer is standing in a long

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around and yells at the person behind him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The man behind him says, "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." To that the lawyer replies, "Well, I'm a lawyer, and you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me, do you?"

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A lawyer is standing in a long

The lunch

Abbe Cohen goes to a restaurant every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. Abbe replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."
The next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".
Next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".
The manager is now obsessed with seeing Abbe say that he enjoyed his meal, so he goes to the bakery and orders a 6ft long French loaf. When Abbe comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. Abbe sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup and both halves of the 6ft loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for. When Abbe comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
Abbe replies "It wass goot as usual but I see you are back to giving only 2 slices of bread!"

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The lunch

A central banker walks into a pizzeria

A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.
When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter get it. There a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
The central banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

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A central banker walks into a pizzeria

There was a young man in the

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to
remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a
big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that
would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change
the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of
it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we
just make his legs longer?"

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There was a young man in the

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

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A man calls his stockbroker all anxious

A rather drunk man was walking along

A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right.

After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how in the hell did she do that?"

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A rather drunk man was walking along

The unhappy wife

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

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The unhappy wife

The blonde's final

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."

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The blonde's final

Planning a Will

Issy is seriously ill and decides to write a Will. He calls his brother Jacob, who is a solicitor, to help him. When Jacob arrives at Issy's bedside, Issy says, "Please write this down, Jacob. I give to my son David, $250,000. I give to each of my three daughters, Leah, Rose and Freda, $100,000. And I give to my only grandchild Henry, $50,000."
"Hold on, Issy," says Jacob, "You told me recently that your entire estate doesn't come to more than $50,000."
"Nu?" replies Issy, "So let them work for it like I did."

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Planning a Will

Ways Microsoft Would Change the Auto Business

1. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
2. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
3. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years!
5. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.

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Ways Microsoft Would Change the Auto Business

The Party

Gary was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. So Gary, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted,
"Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over

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The Party

Sour Grapes

This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.

Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, "I told you duck, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck looked startled and leaves.

Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

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Sour Grapes